One of the best ways you can show your spouse that you care about him or her is by validating their feelings or experiences. Validation is a key ingredient to healthy communication in marriage.
We have all been on the receiving end of someone else that validated us, whether it be a spouse, family member, friend, or co-worker. When we are validated, we get a sense of connection and understanding. On top of that, we are able to continue sharing our thoughts and experiences because we know that understanding will be there from the other person in the future.
When validating your spouse, you don't have to understand why they feel that way; in fact, you may never fully understand the why of their feelings. You also do not have to agree with what they are saying. Validating is about showing your spouse that you care about them and what they are saying. In their book The Marriage Garden, H Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall talk about validation (p.119):
Pattern for a validating statment:
You are (identify the feeling) because of (identify the action) .
For example:
You are upset because I came home late.
You are stressed because the kids wore you out today.
You are excited because you passed your test.
Ask yourself these questions:
Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Validating Your Spouse
We have all been on the receiving end of someone else that validated us, whether it be a spouse, family member, friend, or co-worker. When we are validated, we get a sense of connection and understanding. On top of that, we are able to continue sharing our thoughts and experiences because we know that understanding will be there from the other person in the future.
When validating your spouse, you don't have to understand why they feel that way; in fact, you may never fully understand the why of their feelings. You also do not have to agree with what they are saying. Validating is about showing your spouse that you care about them and what they are saying. In their book The Marriage Garden, H Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall talk about validation (p.119):
Validation involves understanding and valuing our spouse. To validate our spouse we must
Listen by giving our full attention.
Listen to the emotions being expresed.
Listen to the needs being expressed.
Understand the issue from the other person's point of view.
Using non-verbal communication and cues is a part of validating your spouse. When your spouse is talking to you, pay attention and stay focused. Look at them when they are speaking. Give your full attention to him or her and do not allow yourself to get distracted by TVs, phones, etc. Show that you are listening by nodding your head or giving some positive verbal sounds such as "yes" or "uh-huh." Give validating statements (you may use the pattern below for help in creating a validating statement).Listen by giving our full attention.
Listen to the emotions being expresed.
Listen to the needs being expressed.
Understand the issue from the other person's point of view.
Pattern for a validating statment:
You are (identify the feeling) because of (identify the action) .
For example:
You are upset because I came home late.
You are stressed because the kids wore you out today.
You are excited because you passed your test.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I strive to validate my spouse, or am I more concerned about my own agenda and feelings?
- Do I try to solve/fix my spouses problems instead of listening to him/her?
- When my spouse is talking to me, do I try to see things through his/her point of view?
Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Validating Your Spouse