My husband has changed so much

kkip · 02-06-2012, 04:31 PM

Hi, I am at a cross roads in my marriage and I don't know where to go. I know no one can help me and its a decision I have to make on my own but writing it down might help me see things from a different view.

I have been married for 4 years and together for 7.5 years. When I met my husband he was a funny, carefree, kind, considerate man. He was born and raised in the caribbean and I am born and raised in UK. He told me he loved me after a week and I was shocked.

After time I fell deeply in love with him, he brought me to life and showed me what a caring man was. My husband had a career when I met him, he was a military man who was groomed and kept his room clean and tidy.
We both worked full time to provide us with a comfortable living.

We were so alike in many ways and I knew I had found my partner for life.

Fast forward a few years and I barely recognise my husband.
We moved to the caribbean to live and stayed with my husbands parents to begin with. I struggled to adapt to the new culture, environment and way of life but did my best to overcome my fears.

My husband got a job and we were happy for the first year. We had a baby and this has been a turning point for us. Our relationship has gone downhill.

My husband chopped and changed jobs for a while and whilst we had no money coming in we were living at his parents and they overstepped the grandparent line so frequently I once said that my baby feels more like their child than mine.

I chanced upon a full time job that would mean independance from the in-laws and a chance to earn some good money, as my husband was out of work at the time I took the job and he stayed home with our baby.

My husband began to resent me working, he would put me down, he made me insecure and took away my confidence.
towards the end of my time in the caribbean I was a shadow of my former self. Made to feel bad about working away from my child, and my husband did nothing around the house. He barely cooked or cleaned.

We moved back to the uk after alot of pushing from me, my husband is stuck in the caribbean awaiting a visa. I'm not sure I want to be with him, he has changed so much I don't know what he is like any more. He has not had steady employment for over 2 years and the pressure on me to provide has been immense.

I have told the authorities that we are happily married when in fact I dread the day he gets his visa and comes over because I know I will have to face my changed feelings. I dont want to hurt him as he is a decent guy, he just can not provide for me and our child and is not the man I married. I think he may have been depressed for a while.
He also almost embarked on an affair whilst we were living overseas. This was when we were having major issues and a girl showed him interest.

I am now living with my child for almost a year without seeing my husband. I love my life now. I am confident, happy can provide for myself and my child on my own. I have my own space and have found myself on internet dating websites to gain some confidence. I had no intention of meeting anyone, until I did.
Someone showed an interest, gave me compliments, took time to talk with me and now I am having an affair with this guy.
I dont want to be this person, the person who has affairs. I want my husband to be the man I married, but he has changed to much and I dont know him any more.
I am confused and lost

Hope1964 · 02-06-2012, 04:42 PM

What you are doing is WRONG and you need to stop immediately. Tell your husband that you're cheating on him, then divorce him and let him find someone who will NOT cheat on him.

You did it backwards. You should have found someone new AFTER you divorced. Then you wouldn't be a cheater, and now you'll be a cheater all your life.

accept · 02-06-2012, 04:51 PM

Are you and your H the same culture. Perhaps I should rephrase that. What I mean to say is really is there more to it.

pssa · 02-06-2012, 05:13 PM

You should tell him that you cheated and that you are filing for divorce. You should not bring him to the UK nor consider staying with someone who makes you feel dread. You both made mistakes and will have to live with that, but your marriage seems doomed to me. How will he feel about not having a close relationship with his child?

Also, don't fool yourself about "not trying to meet someone until you did" You were looking for someone and you found him. Honesty is a good place to start.

SunnyT · 02-06-2012, 06:19 PM

Are you and your H the same culture. Perhaps I should rephrase that. What I mean to say is really is there more to it.

Do you mean "race"? Because I'm pretty sure that the cultures of the UK and the Carribean are pretty different.

Happy_in_love · 02-07-2012, 03:16 AM

Havingan affair - whether emotional or physical is never ok. you are not being honest with yourself. - Take a look at your relationship again. Your husband is not the only one who has changed - you are having an affair - and you are surfing around on dating sites- I bet you are also not the woman he married!!
You are not even taking responsibility for the fact that you are having an affair - you blame your husband for his changes,while you yourself have gone through some changes!
I amnot judging you and I am not trying to be rude - but I'm trying to give you the facts - and I am not going to sugar-coat them.
You had an affair, you husband almost had an affair. He changed, you changed. I think the best starting place for you would be to decide - do you want your husband back? If you don't - be honest about the affair and get a divorce, stop lying to yourself and your husband.
If you want your husband back,get into marriage counselling. Be honest about your feelings, and the affair. You both need to make a choice here. I would start with an open and honest discussion of your feelings, and your behaviour,and take it from there! Good luck! And keep us posted!