my story...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-10-2012, 06:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default my story...

i know i have never posted here before, but i thought maybe i could find some refuge here. i am sure that this story is not unique to me, and i guess i'm confused. i am not proud of what i've done, and have only ever told this story to one other.

i was a male teenager brought up when the internet was just starting. i quickly became addicted to porn, cybersex, taking dirty photos, and online relationships. i am not proud of this.

i met my future wife when i was in my 20s. we got married reasonably quickly. we were very much in love... but like any relationship there were issues, and i don't think these ever got addressed.

the addiction to porn and cybersex reared its ugly head every now and then.

when we got married, our sexual relations got very low. we talked about it a lot, but did not actively seek counselling or anything. i realise this was a mistake.

i took refuge online and started taking photos of myself posting them on online forums. i felt this burning desire for gratification, to impress other people.. to feel wanted. i did not feel 'wanted' in my relationship.

on that online forum i ended up meeting someone. i had always laughed at people who said serious relationships had occurred online.. but for some reason this blossomed into something that was amazing. there was a bond between us which neither of us had felt before, on so many levels. we became essentially soulmates, and shared everything with each other, including online sexuality.

after about 18 months this got more and more intense... it was hard for both of us, we both had issues in our own lives and relationship, and the refuge that we gave each other comforted us. we fell in love with each other. i convinced myself at the time that it didnt detract from the love i had for my wife, but i was probably naive.

it was at that time that i found a way to visit her as part of a work trip. my head was a mess.. i loved my wife, and she was a part of every element of my life.. but at the same time i had this emotional bond with this other woman. en route to the journey i confessed all to a friend of mine.. the only one i have ever told this story to.

my friend (female) had been through a similarish story with her partner. she convinced me that i should not see this woman.. that i loved my wife, and that i would risk any trust if she knew i saw her.. even if nothing happened.

so i told the woman i could not see her. she got very mad and angry. after a week or so, i felt guilty. i was travelling far from home and was close to where she was. she truly felt like my soul mate, and we had shared so much. i figured if the roles were reversed i would never forgive her if she didnt see me. so i ended up seeing each other.

we met, and spent time together. we did not make love.. i couldn't do that to my wife, and it made things complicated. it was incredibly intimate though. at the end, we agreed we would try and just be friends (before i left).

since then it has gotten very emotional again, to the point where we have discussed living together. i feel that i can't live with her, and i can't live without her. i understand where she is coming from... she loves me, and we can't just be friends. but i can't lose her.. and at my back i hear this voice that my life would be empty without her. she wants to be with me, and make steps to do that, of course including breaking up with my wife, or at least sorting out where i stand with my wife.

meanwhile, things with my wife go up and down. she is a good person, and i love her, but we have issues as any relationship does. things are not 'bad' between us, but they are not good... i mean, how could they be good when i am doing what i am doing..

i don't want to lose the woman, but my whole life is tangled up with my wife. my wife loves me deeply, and i love her.. i know that 'the grass is always greener on the other side', and i know i naive, and many things i have done is stupid... but it is true that the bond that i share with the woman is not as passionate or thrilling or emotional as the bond i share with my wife. but what two relationships are the same.

i don't know what to do. i know i need to get some counselling.. probably both individually and as a couple. i am so worried that whichever decision i make is going to negatively affect the rest of my life.. and because of this i have been inactive of making a decision.... scared of making the plunge and saying "ok, i am going to try and make things better with my wife" and losing what is perhaps my soulmate and closest friend; or saying "OK, i am going to risk my whole life and jump overboard and start a new life somewhere else". instead i am just hurting everyone including myself.

i guess i'm not looking for advice.. i guess it's all obvious: i need professional help... i don't know.. just sharing my story is somewhat of a relief.

anyway, that is my story, and somewhat of an introduction... i don't mean to be too forward,.. thanks... i wish i knew about this forum years ago... any comments/hellos/opinions much much welcome.
soundofthesphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-10-2012, 06:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
Default Re: my story...

if you fall for two people, go for the second one, because you would have never fallen in love with her if you truly loved the first.
essjaybee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default Re: my story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by essjaybee View Post
if you fall for two people, go for the second one, because you would have never fallen in love with her if you truly loved the first.
you honestly think it is that simple? i think if people followed that pattern there would be many more people living alone with cats after a string of failed relationships.
soundofthesphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
Default Re: my story...

Exactly. So, think about it. Do you love the first? Do you love her enough to work on things? If you move on to this other woman, what if something "better" comes along? Will you continue to face the same problems over and over again?

You need to first figure you out. Look at WHY you are facing the issues. I think in some way you answered yourself by using terms like "grass is greener" etc. Don't over analyze it, look at the facts.
essjaybee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default Re: my story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by essjaybee View Post
Exactly. So, think about it. Do you love the first? Do you love her enough to work on things? If you move on to this other woman, what if something "better" comes along? Will you continue to face the same problems over and over again?

You need to first figure you out. Look at WHY you are facing the issues. I think in some way you answered yourself by using terms like "grass is greener" etc. Don't over analyze it, look at the facts.
i guess when it comes down to it, i'm scared of being alone.

i dont think there is an answer.. i need to get help.. i know that. it's nice to hear and read other peoples experiences though..
soundofthesphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 6
Default Re: my story...

Also, woman #2 is manipulating your emotions to some degree. Was she aware you were married? If so she also knew that you weren't hers and that was an acceptable risk at the time.
essjaybee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 650
Default Re: my story...

Posted via Mobile Device
kag123 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default Re: my story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by essjaybee View Post
Also, woman #2 is manipulating your emotions to some degree. Was she aware you were married? If so she also knew that you weren't hers and that was an acceptable risk at the time.
maybe you are right about that... i never thought of it that way.. i've always assumed any wrong doing was from me. if she was manipulative, i dont think it was intentional.

but i would be just as manipulative. she is in a relationship with kids. her relationship is much less happy then mine though.
soundofthesphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 650
Default Re: my story...

I think you need to consider seeking a therapist. You didn't mention where you are currently with your porn/cybersex addiction. If that is how you met the mistress, what is stopping the same chain of events from happening a second time if you left your wife to be with her? My personal opinion is that you don't really want either relationship...by having them both you are able to ignore and take a break from the problems in each one bt distracting yourself with the other. When you give yourself 100% to a relationship you don't have that luxury. It is normal for problems to arise and difficult situations will need to be faced. I think either relationship you choose (even if you left both of them and eventually found someone new) would be flawed because that is just the nature of how relationships work. You need to be ok with that and feel secure enough with your commitment to work through those challenges as they arise.

Surely your wife must know something is going on? You must be spending a lot of time talking to the other woman to develop this kind of relationship with her.
Posted via Mobile Device
kag123 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2012, 07:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default Re: my story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
I think you need to consider seeking a therapist. You didn't mention where you are currently with your porn/cybersex addiction. If that is how you met the mistress, what is stopping the same chain of events from happening a second time if you left your wife to be with her? My personal opinion is that you don't really want either relationship...by having them both you are able to ignore and take a break from the problems in each one bt distracting yourself with the other. When you give yourself 100% to a relationship you don't have that luxury. It is normal for problems to arise and difficult situations will need to be faced. I think either relationship you choose (even if you left both of them and eventually found someone new) would be flawed because that is just the nature of how relationships work. You need to be ok with that and feel secure enough with your commitment to work through those challenges as they arise.

Surely your wife must know something is going on? You must be spending a lot of time talking to the other woman to develop this kind of relationship with her.
Posted via Mobile Device
i agree re:therapist.... maybe you have hit the nail on the head.. although i know with the 'mistress' as you put it, it is easy for us to communicate about sexual wants and desires and needs.. the porn/cybersex addiction is completely dormant when i have been talking to her. i guess when it comes down to it, is seeing her highlights the problems with my wife. i know noone is perfect. it'sall a mind****.

my wife knows something is going on. she knows i saw someone when i was travelling. i haven't told her everything.. i probably should. i don't know. i am in a position where i can talk to her a lot at work, so it's not exactly that obvious.
soundofthesphere is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Story... justabovewater Going Through Divorce or Separation 1 08-27-2012 12:11 AM
Best Love Story movie you wish were YOUR LOVE STORY... savannah General Relationship Discussion 41 03-28-2012 10:46 AM
my story mylifeasawife Considering Divorce or Separation 8 08-24-2010 10:30 AM
The story I could not tell her........... BigGuysmallHaert Coping with Infidelity 3 07-14-2010 12:27 PM
Divorced folks - Good story or bad story after 1 year? HELP ME. Considering Divorce or Separation 2 07-10-2009 10:13 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:22 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage