tacoma

Make it easier on him.

Initiate more and more aggressively.

Take care of him and push him towards taking care of you.

If I`m wrong and it is more than laziness at least trying this path will help you figure it out.

He could also be having ED problems.
Any signs of that?

CantBeJustMe

Is there any other thing in the past, your relationship past that is, that might help explain this?

You mention that he "came to you" more before the kids came along. Did you turn him down often during that 3 month or so dry spell after the kid(s) came along? Did you offer to help him out in other ways?

Is he insecure about his physical self? Has he gained weight or suffered health issues in the past?

And don't take this the wrong way, this coming from someone married for more than 15 years who would gladly have sex with his wife daily, or multiple times a day, but is lucky to have it every few weeks...but if you WANT sex with your husband, what's so wrong about just asking for it?

I made the same mistake for a long time. Waiting out someone who obviously has a MUCH lower sex drive that I do. It doesn't do any good...at all.

Lon

kag, lots of ideas on here... one thing I will add, is that if he is anything like I was in my sex-deficient marriage, he may just be really afraid to disappoint. If he is like I was, he has a built-in standard that you come first, and so he'd rather let the anxiety build and use the release you finally get as a way to boost his performance and make him feel like he is the best possible lover. That really is exhausting especially when the precedent is set.

Keep initiating with him, and hopefully he comes around to giving himself permission to be selfish sometimes. When you are in the mood instruct him to just take you without worrying about your orgasm, mix it up that way and let him know that sometimes you just want him to use your body. Right now he feels a lot of pressure to perform, some from himself and some from you.

I do think that porn can be very destructive when it detracts from a healthy sex life with your spouse. Part of the solution is him finding a way to cope without depending no it... the other part is finding a way to overcome the pressure he is feeling.

My only other suggestion to you is to not become resentful that you are the one that always has to initiate, he very likely wants to have sex with no strings attached and right now sex for him means all kinds of conditions that may or may not be true. I know in my sexless marriage, whenever we would have sex (and it was always good when it happened) her closest friends all get a news update, so for me having sex meant inevitably hearing "way to go" or "you da man" from all their husbands... it was too much sometimes.

gonefishin

Kag123

I would keep bringing up the topic with him. He sounds like a dud. 1-2 times a month! I would go insane. I know how it feels being the one that always initiates. I am in that situation with my wife. She can not give a solid explanation why she does not. Once she told me we all have our crosses to bear. What the hell does that mean?

Anyway, my attitude is we all have needs. I initiate at least 3 times per week knowing that I will get turned down once or twice. i also bug her during her period, knowing I might get a HJ out of hit. I do not take it personal anymore. It is just a numbers game

So, my advise to you. Wear him down! Initiate 3-4 times a week until he breaks. Tell him you will bug him util he starts participating in the initiating. Tell him to man up!

Jeff74

Not to be a downer, but there might be nothing you can do. Try all the suggestions and see if they work..and if not, then you have choices to make.

Also, look at the bright side..you are having sex! My wife has no interest in sex so I go without it. She is perfectly fine with me using porn as my outlet because it gets rid of the burden for her. I would love to have sex 1 to 2 times per month!!
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Trying2figureitout

Ditto...be happy with what you get. Sexless marriages are much worse.

CantBeJustMe

WRONG ANSWER!!!! Trust me I’ve been there, in reality I’m still there, but after being honest with myself and working on improving other areas, I’m already seeing some results.

Regardless, if you are just coasting along in a marriage where you want more sex, and your spouse won’t accommodate you, you need to deal with it now.

The longer it goes on, the more comfortable your spouse gets with this “arrangement”. Then you get used to it, if you haven't already.

I see so many guys post here and other message boards (BTDT – I was one of you) and they piss and moan about “feel lucky about that once a month, I rarely or never get sex”, then they get online, check some porn out and masturbate.

Get off your ass!!

You guys talking about getting no sex. What kind of shape are you in? When’s the last time you worked out? Do it for YOURSELF. I guarantee you will start feeling better. Not only physically, but mentally as well. You will have more confidence in yourself. The better you feel and look physically, the better your feel mentally, and people will notice. That in and of itself is worth it.

Look you CAN’T make your wife give you sex. So why not work on the things that you CAN improve?

How are you around the house? Are there always little things (or big things) that need fixing? Does your wife nag you about them?

Guess what…thinking “Screw her. She doesn’t give me any sex , why should I do this or that. Why should she get what she wants, but I don’t get what I want?”

That’s a marriage killer right there. DOA. Call the funeral parlor.

You can’t make your spouse act the way you want, but you CAN IMPROVE YOURSELF. Be the bigger person. Do all those things around the house you’ve been saying you’ll do.

Does she “nag” you to help with the kids more? DO IT.

It’s not like you’re getting sex anyway right? So WHAT CAN IT HURT?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

“The Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.”

Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Find a hobby (hint: masturbating is not a hobby) CHANGE THE ROUTINE.

Don’t do it looking for immediate changes in HER. Don’t expect or look for changes in HER, AT ALL.

Do it FOR YOU.

I Know

Great post BeMe.

Jeff74

So let me answer your post very specifically because I think you were making the assumption that all men in a sexless marriage fit your description:

I am 39, have been married for a number of years and have one son (toddler age)

1.

The last time I worked out was today. I am in the best shape I have ever been in. I have less than 10% body fat, can run 8 minute miles (as i did for the NYC marathon) and can lift more weight than I did in college. I started a 5 day a week exercise program 2 years ago to help deal with the stress of my wife not wanting to have sex with me.

I do feel better about myself since getting in shape and have gotten many compliments about how amazing my transformation has been. I am not trying to boast here as I am no male supermodel but I do take diet and exercise very seriously.

2.

I am very good around the house. We both work long hours but I do all the laundry, clean all the dishes (she cooks) and we split up other "chores". I also do projects around the house when I can...and my wife would absolutely admit that I do more than a lot of the husbands of people she knows.

3.

Although I dislike shopping I do get new clothes when needed..as an attorney I wear a suit every day but even with suits there is some amount of flexibility. And as for haircuts, I am still happy to have my hair. :-)


My wife has been very clear. We are not having sex. I, however, do not treat her with disrespect or disdain. We still do family things when we can (weekends) and she and I have great conversations about work, politics, etc. All in all, we get along great.

As I wrote in another post, I would love to have sex with my wife...but I have found my way of dealing positively with the situation and getting on with my life. I do not want to be a part time dad and see my son 50% (at best) of the year...no way.

I get on with my life, as you said, for me and not for her. In the past few years I have become much happier but our sex life has not changed. We have been through 2 marriage counselors and that did not help either.

Sometimes, it is not the man that needs changing. Sometimes it really is the woman...but when it comes to sex, if either one is unwilling then it is off the table.

that_girl

So...he's masturbating to porn but doesn't come to you for sex much anymore.

He has enough energy to look up the porn he wants to watch, wack one off, but can't wait til you two are together that day to have sex.

This would piss me off. Your needs aren't being met and he is probably getting more and more used to just visual stimulation and his hand.

Bad news.

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I Know

Hats off to you counselor. There is no way I could do what you are doing. I think I would hate my wife so much for the lack of sex that it would poison my love for my kid(s).

How did it get to be like that? (no sex). Been going on long?

CantBeJustMe

Wasn’t really an assumption. I know how I initially reacted when sex and affection dried up. I know I’m not alone in how I reacted.

That’s great. I wish I could still run. High School then College sports, followed by more than a few years of being in Uncle Sam’s employ left me with zero arch and the knees of a 80 year old. Instead I have to put double the time in on a stationary bike or other machine to get the same cardio workout. I miss running…I mean in all honesty I hated it. But running by myself, I could think and sort out all the things going on that day. Most times by the time I was done with that, I was already done with my run.

Awesome. It can be hard to self-motivate out of that haze.


Okay. Sounds a bit lopsided towards your end though. But I know that feeling, I’ve been there too.



Gotcha. I know most men won’t agree with this, especially those struggling with hair loss, but I wish I would go bald. It’s not in the cards. My Dad still has a full head of hair at 69 years old. My hair grows way too fast. I keep it short, and every two weeks is about as long as I can go. I’ve been wanting to try the “Mr.Clean” look for years.


Okay, this sounds a lot like what my wife and I went through when my son was small, with of course some differences. How long has this been going on? How was your sex life before your son was born? This happen after the kid was born? What spurred the “very clear” part from your wife? Was there an argument about sex, or several? Is there any signs of physical or sexual abuse in her past? Sometimes it can be there, and it blows you away when you realize it.

I definitely understand you there. I refused to be a part-time Dad. Kids, especially sons, need a constant Father figure that’s THERE. Our kids didn’t ask to be brought in the world, we did that willingly.

Have you read Athol Kay’s book? Seriously, I read this not too long ago, and I have read enough books on relationships, marriage, sex, sexless marriages etc, I feel most times I more qualified than some of the marriage counselors out there.

You can download it and read it immediately. It’s not high brow standard marriage stuff. It’s real world things that you can do. I have a feeling that the Alpha / Beta thing might be part of what’s going on here. I know it’s already helped in my marriage, and my wife is damn near asexual it seems sometimes.

When you did see marriage counselors what did she say about sex? Has she or her family ever been diagnosed or had a history of depression?

Look I definitely recommend Athol’s Book – Go HERE to check his blog and you can find it from there.

Read it. Let me know what you think, feel free to shoot me an email or PM me. I know what’s it like to feel like you’re doing everything humanly possible and it still doesn’t work. It’s not easy. But I can tell you that it doesn’t get easier. Eventually your son will grow up and you will put your nose down and get involved in his life, your career and anything you can to take up time and energy to NOT think about the lack of sex in your life. Read the book. I have a feeling the Alpha / Beta mix might had another angle to your efforts.

Good luck.

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