kag123

My husband and I have sex about 1-2 times a month. This is less than what I would ideally want, and I think its safe to say less than he wants too. Those few times we are doing it, I am initiating it. If I get it started, he will almost never turn me down...only for reasonable things like if he is sick with the flu and really feeling terrible.

I feel that he is disinterested and he never ever makes a move to initiate sex with me. I cannot read his mind, but I do try to discuss the topic outside of the bedroom and let him know that I would be up for it more often if he wants that. He says he would like that. He also tells me that he masturbates (he knows that I do too) pretty frequently, like probably every other day?

I asked him to come to me when he is in the mood and we will make things happen, instead of him taking care of himself as his first choice. This was a few days ago. I KNOW he has been masturbating with 100% certainty and he has not come to me at all.

I do it when I have no other option - he is not home or circumstances prevent us from getting together. He seeks to do it all the time with little thought as to the other options that I told him were available. When he does coke to me, I seriously very rarely turn him down - I can only think of a hand full of times over the past year.

Why would he choose his hand over me? It makes me so sad. He claims to enjoy the act when we do have sex and if he doesn't, he is a good actor. Am I unattractive or doing something to turn him off?

He is not cheating, I know that for certain. There is no other woman in the picture.
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MrK

Ask him if he is thinking of men or women when he masturbates. And that is 100% not a joke.

kag123

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kag123

I know that he looks at porn on his phone every.time he masturbates. We let each other use our phones and are open book with everything. So I check his history sometimes on his phone and I look at the porn he's watching, its always straight or lesbian. He has also showed me the videos that turn him on most (I have no problem with watching it, I watch it on my own occasionally and we watch it together) and I can tell you he's not interested ib men. I prefer videos with men in them and if the man is a little too...ahem...graphic in the video he is turned off by it.

Do you think that is enough to solidify that he doesn't like men?
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tacoma

He`s lazy.

It`s easier to rub one out than have sex with you.

DanF

I think you are right.
masturbating is easy, no one else to worry about, no foreplay, it's quicker, etc, etc.

I do it sometimes, but it's because I have a much higher drive than my wife. I could go twice a day and she's more of an every other day type.

PBear

And/or he's not attracted to you for some reason.

C
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kag123

So what do I do in this situation...just let it go and take care of things myself?
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Oregondaddy

Well, like a lot of things, porn is like a drug... It really is. And some people will then think, why can't my spouse do it like they do? Even though, even the "amatuer" stuff is pretty much staged and phony. Then you wind up thinking normal, well, is boring. Now some couples are fine with porn on some levels, and use it as a tool to get the "pump primed". However it seems that your husband might be more into the "virtual" world than the real one. This is way beyond the skills of me as an ordinary type person, but I would recommend some sort of counseling for him, or both of you at this point. Once he gets his brain, and other parts, back into the real world, I would think your problems would get better.

PBear

If it was my partner masturbating rather than having sex with me, and I was available and not happy with the frequency of our sex life, the conversation would be hort and not so sweet. Something like "I know you're masturbating and watching porn. I also am not happy with our sex life. I want to work with you to fix this part of our marriage because I love you and want to be married to you. But you have to want to work with me on this too. I vowed monogamy to you, not celibacy.". And if she (my partner) kept doing what she was doing, she would quickly be given an opportunity to masturbate on her own all she liked, cause she'd have a place of her own.

C
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I Know

Oregon: I disagree. Doesn't everyone know that porn actors are, well, actors? They are getting paid to put on that enthusiasm.

Similarly, when I go see a Hollywood movie where the female lead is a bitsh, I understand they are playing a role. They probably are not a bitsh in real life.

Husbands preference for porn is probably just laziness.

I agree w/ PBear. Wife needs to confront and discuss this with husband. Sex is part of the marriage bargain. And husband is not holding up his end. If it's a medical issue, he needs to see a doctor.

MrK

Yes. He's straight. Thanks. I just don't understand his desire for porn when there is a willing partner. I WISH my wife wanted me. I love my porn. Probably a little too much. But a warm body with all of the right parts doing the right things? AND she loves me and wants me?

I've finally accepted that there are men with low sex drives, but that's not him.

I hate to say it, but PBear is probably closest right now. And unless you're pretty gross, I'm sure it's not a physical thing. (Because even if you are gross, he can make it dark and you can be anyone he wants you to be, so that isn't a problem. Better for you really, but I digress.)

Could be he's just not that into you right now. I went for 5+ years without a clue that my committed life partner, whom I ADORED, didn't really like me. I don't know if she ever really loved me. I didn't have a clue. I tried to fix a marriage that was in a rut and some ugly stuff came out.

I hope I'm wrong. But what you need are a couple of honest "Here's why I'd rather jack to porn than screw a wife that I love IMMENSELY" men to post. In lieu of that, I'd say his lack of interest in you sexually portends to problems in your marriage.

Just a though.

MrK

You know, I remember this catching my eye when I first read it. This is weird, but could he be shy with his wife? He's afraid to approach her? It's possible. I've experienced it.

OP, you say he won't turn you down. So if you only have sex 1-2 times a month, that's as much YOUR fault as his, right? You're only asking him twice a month, if my math is correct. Ask him for more. He's not going to do it. You know that.

Here's a plan. Pick a good time and place. Get him a little horny. When the time is right, tell him you are tired of only having sex biweekly. You think he is too. And although you're fine with his porn use, he has a choice. His hand and a computer screen or THIS.

Then do his favorite thing to him. And do it really well. Dress for the part. When you're done, tell him all he has to do is ask, any time, within reason, and you'll do it again. But he has to ask for it. That's the last time you're initiating.

If he doesn't start coming to you at least weekly, revert back to my last post. (If he doesn't start coming back DAILY, you've got a problem. But I'll admit to a more stereotypical male sex drive).

johnnycomelately

Does he have trouble coming?

I had a problem coming with my Mrs because, it turns out, my grip was too firm when masturbating. I too had gone off sex because it was a lot of work and when I failed to come my wife felt miserable and this set off a negative cycle.

He needs to recondition himself. Ask him not to masturbate for a week and send him sexy texts/emails etc. Then have a proper session on the weekend. Worked for us.

In the long term he might need to change his grip like me and reduce the amount he masturbates down to once or twice a week.

kag123

Thank you all for the replies.

Obviously I can only really guess at what his reasoning is as much as any other person on this board can, but to respond to some of your recent posts:

I have been making more of an effort in the last 2-3 months to be more available to him. Part of the initiating thing is an emotional problem that I need to get over, I desperately want for him to come to me and WANT me without me having to feel like I am coaxing him into it. (I dont know how you men can do this time after time when you say that you feel that you have to beg your wife for sex - I think it feels humilating sometimes and sad. I really feel for you guys.) Even though I may share some of the same sex drive as a man, I am still a woman who feels the need for an emotional connection during sex. So I interpret a lot of his standoffish behaviors poorly and take them personally which makes it hard for me to get up the nerve to initiate sex with him more often. Usually the 1-2 times a month when I am initiating it, is when I cannot control myself anymore and would probably have sex with any warm body that was available LOL. That sounds really over-the-top and of course I would never CHEAT on him, but hopefully you understand what I mean. Plus I kept foolishly thinking - if I make him wait long enough, his sex drive will kick in and he will come to me when he just can't hold out any longer. Obviously that is flawed logic.

Maybe he has desensitized himself too much from too much masturbation. I had to stop using vibrators for that reason (my choice) because it was desensitizing me to being able to fully enjoy sex with my husband. I took it upon myself to stop using them to make the sex more enjoyable.

We did have a firm talk recently and I thought I had made it clear that I want him to come to me for sex instead of going off to do it himself, but I feel that nothing has changed. Maybe I wasn't clear enough, I am not sure. I have been making an effort to spice things up lately, meeting him during his lunch break for a quickie and things like that, and he recieves them really well but then it's still like nothing changes. He's still not coming to me more often and still doing the same old stuff.

Things didn't use to always be this way. We have two young children at home and before we had kids he was always coming to me. Then we had kids - and I went through a period where my sex drive was low (not an unusually long time, maybe 3 months or so after each birth while I was physically recovering and up all night with the baby) and then we seem to have never really recovered from that. You think he has the "madonna" complex?