Re: everyones option: breaking up
When it's the person who's been cheating and lying and offering up abuse for 5 years, and then when the cheated keeps on suggesting the cheater complete individual therapy and then join her in marriage therapy, and he declines and suggests divorce after learning that she has grown not to accept abuse and to call it out and question it, and not buy into the 'you need to get over this and move forward' and 'this relationship can never work because you don't trust me' (no kidding, and after he/she lied for 5 years it would be expected that he/she would be trustworthy, just because he/she says he/she is....?)it's kind of difficult not to accept! To me, it sounded like a splendid option, best idea my spouse came up with yet for our relationship, that would ACTUALLY work, and not require significant self-delusion on my part. It was the one sane and reliable option I had. And I owed myself to accept.
Sometimes people who are in co-dependent relationships, on either side, I might add, can't deal with those relationships any more when the abuse cycle is brought to a stop. So they want out, to be able to continue their addiction, and for the other party, it's an option too good to pass up.
I suspect there are a lot of co-dependents who should be dealing with co-dependency before coming to a marriage forum desperately seeking ways to be a better spouse, how to keep their spouse from cheating, blaming themselves, wanting to turn over every possible rock of what they did wrong, when they're already doing everything they possibly can before coming here...for their marriage to *last*, namely being party to a relationship that is unhealthy to begin with and never should have started.
It's like doing CPR on someone who's been dead for over an hour.
On someone who's died of the ebola.
Just perpetuates the trauma.