General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I do not even know where to begin so, please forgive me if this doesnt come out perfectly.
Six days ago I sent my boyfriend at text that stated I didnt love him anymore followed by a short email that basically read you are dead to me and ended with I hate you.
Why? Well previous to those actions we were on the the phone and he was telling me about what was bothering him, work and money. I listened, he finished and then I proceed to tell him what was bothering me, the health of this pregnancy and myself. I maybe got a sentence or two out of my mouth when he mumbled something and then silence. I thought the call had been dropped so I said hello a few times, and he came back to the phone seemingly annoyed and shocked. He said that he had just told me that he had some paperwork to do and that he was going to bed. Im mumbled okay, and he just hung up.
I sat for a minute still holding the phone and then I called him back, when he answered I asked him if he was mad at me. He started yelling at me about he hates having conversations with me because they are always negative. Tears just poured down my face. I was talking to him about the child that we created together afterr two miscarriages, and my concerns for him/her, how could he view that as negative? Then he continued by saying that he hates talking to me on the phone, and not just being able to hang up. He was in midsentence of whatever else he was about to say and I just hung up. I called several times after that but he didnt answer. So I sent the text and the e-mail.
I have cried enough over the past year to have filled a swimming pool for an Olympic event. I am hurt over so many things and mad over some others, and Im sure its vice versa for him. However, for the past year I felt like I was the only one trying to make it work, not all the all the time but a majority of it. He always said that if it was going to work then, it would work it self out sans his effort.
We went to counseling once (he did iniate that) but he believed that the woman was more interested in watching the time than listening to us. I think he was comfortable with the things he had done werent beneficial to a healthy relationship.
I asked a few months ago, about going back to counseling and he said no, that he wasnt going to create another bill that had no end in sight. Later, he said that he would go if I would pay for it. I didnt think that was a fair suggestion at all. I asked him if he would pay half and he definitively said no. I feel like if I pay for it then I will again be putting all the effort in.
When I sent that e-mail and that text I was being partially truthful I am not in love and I do hate the man that I have these continous fights with.
I miss the man that I met almost 3 years ago, and I still think he exsist somewhere in there. Does that make sense?
We are in a very bad place right now, but I still think we could work through this. I love him, he just has hurt me so many times that I tend to react in a non productive manner.
I thought that if I did talk to him for a week then he would take the iniative to call me or something, if he loved me. Then I started thinking that maybe the text and the email put me in the postition to make first contact. I called, he didnt answer. I waited a bit called again, no answer. Then I excessively called to the point he just turned his phone off. I know its wrong to ring his phone to that point, but when Im in the midst of doing it, I just think he will answer this time...maybe this time...maybe this time, to the point I quit counting the amount of times I have called, Im just waiting to hear his voice.
I am not comfortable leaving voicemails, because I tend to fumble over my words from speaking so quickly and Im always paranoid as to how I sound/come across.
I want to have a conversation with him but I dont know what to do, because I dont want the conversation to go downhill. I dont react well to certain comments he makes, the cussing, or yelling in general. I either cry or play tough and out do him.
I dont really know how we got to this point, I would have never seen this coming.
I guess my question is how can open the lines of communication between us in an effort to start over?
Think about what you want to say to him, write it down if necessary. Then call him and schedule a time to talk about things with him. Leave a message if necessary. Sounds stupid, making an appointment for something like this, but I found it helped my husband and I when we had something we needed to talk about. It sets aside a time dedicated to talking, and it gives some advance notice so both people can "prepare" and get in the right frame of mind.
Sounds like you both have a lot to talk about. Please keep us posted.
Think about what you want to say to him, write it down if necessary. Then call him and schedule a time to talk about things with him. Leave a message if necessary. Sounds stupid, making an appointment for something like this, but I found it helped my husband and I when we had something we needed to talk about. It sets aside a time dedicated to talking, and it gives some advance notice so both people can "prepare" and get in the right frame of mind.
Sounds like you both have a lot to talk about. Please keep us posted.
It doesnt sound stupid, actually I think this would definitley be helpful. I did call him and ask him when would be the best time to call him, so now Im going to write down the things I would like to say. I know I have to start small, it doesnt become overwhelming. I apologized for over calling him. I dont think he was expecting me to say that.
::BIG SIGH:: I called him several hours later, he was walking in the cold because his vehichle was out of gas and he asked me if he could call me back. I said okay.
I missed his return call, I call him back ask if he is okay, he says yes. I ask him about attending the official ultrasound in a month, and said to remind him closer to the date, I say okay.
He tells me about the dog he just got and his work schedule for tommorrow. I just listen.
Then I asked him if I should just stop thinking about him. He says that things can be so easy and I make them hard. (I bite my tounge and just listen, eventhough I want to scream I am not to blame for everything.) So I ask him if that was a yes, and he says that is wasnt nothing. I was hoping for a definitive answer, but I just keep listening. Then he pretty much proceeds to start an arguement with himself because I am not raising my voice, cussing, only responding to what I absolutely needed to.
We cannot agree on one situation: I had a conversation with the woman who I felt crossed the line in their just business friends relationship. He feels like I crossed and should have never had that conversation with her. I feel like I didnt do anything wrong, I was acting on what I knew.
However, he is angry about this, and I dont know what to do. A part of me feels like I should apologize for the way I went about it, since it upset him, but the other part of me is like if I apologize then this may occur again.
So here I am again in th holding cell.
well i know how you feel to a certain extent. i have been caught up in the emotional tug of war. ive called my H a million times, told him i hate him, im leaving him, and all the rest.
Most of the time I did these things because it was the only way I knew how to get a response out of him. He seemed indifferent towards me and that drove me nuts. I did most of the things I did to try and get a reaction out of him. It never worked.
I went to counseling myself. i was so tired of hurting and so tired of fighting with him. I had a counselor talk to me about boundaries. That was the start of turning my life around with my H.
There's an exercise on boundaries that i did. http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html If you scroll towards the bottom of the article there's a circle diagram. Do this exercise. It opened my eyes.
Right now you are giving your boyfriend more then he is earning. You are allowing him into intimate areas of your emotional life because you need him, but not because he has earned it.
You will need to have your deep emotional needs met, but it just cannot be solely by him. at least not right now. reach out in other areas of your life to find support and love. find it from areas that make you feel good.
If you keep pursuing him emotionally, despite the pain you are feeling, you will only hurt more and more. Listen to your pain. it is a signal telling you he is not ready to handle what you are asking of him.
I cannot afford counseling for myself, currently, Im saving as much as I can in preparation for the LO due in July.
You are right, I do pursue him emotionally and its hasnt gotten me anywhere consistently. I really thought that that if he loved me then he would be there for me when I need him, but well here we are.
I think in terms of us all the time, and I dont think he does. He thinks I want him to stop his whole world (his daughter, business, and himself) and just focus on me. It really hurts that he thinks that, I have never said anything like that, and never done anything intentionally to make him feel that way, but nonetheless he does think that.
However, I do give him more than he earns, thats pretty much all I did last year in attempts to have a healthy relationsship again. I was always iniciating everything, trying to be the bigger person but ultimately I think I ended up resenting him and finding myself often disappointed. He would do something to bring a hardship to the relationship and I would just try to fix it, instead of waiting on him to fix it. I have no patience, or too much hope or both.
I will do the excercise and see what it reveals for me. However, I am at a loss on how to stop giving when he isnt earning.
We dont live together, so any suggestions in reference to conversation and contact would be wonderful.
However, I am at a loss on how to stop giving when he isnt earning.
We dont live together, so any suggestions in reference to conversation and contact would be wonderful.
Well, right now i think you should focus on getting support where it is willingly given.
i am personally not a religious person, but i find people at church to be very friendly and there is hope there. i go not because of god or anything of that nature, but to get support and bring balance to my life. you might consider looking into a church.
i also found a huge support in this forum. i love coming here. i have my bad days too, but being here reminds me what i need to be doing.
im on another forum, too, that soots my mood. i find them very supportive.
I also meditate and exercise. those help tremendously.
as far as your conversations with him, you wont fix anything there. and you know you cant not talk to him. you cant make him respond. my advice, well, quite frankly you know its going to be an emotional mess. there's just no way to fix that directly. its going to be very painful for a little while, but focus on the hope that the other things you start doing today will bring you the peace you are looking for. it might not be the peace you expect, or the way you expected it to come about, but if you do these things, it will come and you will feel better.
its the things you do when you are not talking to him that will help. read online about boundaries, codependency, go to many places you feel you get support and slowly you will find you dont want to keep going to places that only hurt you. you'll find a confidence in yourself and you wont need your boyfriend anymore.
by saying you wont need him anymore, that does not mean you wont love him, still. i love my H very much. but i dont need him. i can give him his space and listen to him when im pushing his boundaries. i have other areas of support so i can stay calm if he cant meet my needs.
I apprieciate you taking the time to offer me some advice.
I was hoping that their would be more responses such as yours so I could explore different options, but I see that if you arent married you tend to be overlooked on this forum. I havent been able to find a forum where people are seriously dating and can ask for advice, so I finally posted here after weeks of lurking.
As far as this scenario goes, I know that I dont need him, I have never been that type of person. I just thought he would do the things that he so naturally did in the beginning of our relationship. So I right now Im extremely taken back. I worked so hard to try to get back to that point, because I never wanted to have the type of relationship were everyone is just content, instead of being happy.
Anyways, Im choosing to take a longer hiatus again because I am trying to believe that there is a reason for everything. Im still praying for my desired outcome, cause I know there is a reason that I havent just written us off so easily, as I have done previous relationships in the past.
Im still praying for my desired outcome, cause I know there is a reason that I havent just written us off so easily, as I have done previous relationships in the past.
I can certainly appreciate what you are saying. I am the same way with my H. i think anyone that heard my H's and I story would have told both of us to call it quits. but i just knew it could work. So from my point of view, i say if you know in your gut it can work, well, go for it. but just remember, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Find peace within yourself first, and then go to him emotionally. I think your boyfriend is probably a good guy. he probably just feels overwhelmed and unappreciated.
I can certainly appreciate what you are saying. I am the same way with my H. i think anyone that heard my H's and I story would have told both of us to call it quits. but i just knew it could work. So from my point of view, i say if you know in your gut it can work, well, go for it. but just remember, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Find peace within yourself first, and then go to him emotionally. I think your boyfriend is probably a good guy. he probably just feels overwhelmed and unappreciated.
If anyone heard my boyfriend and I's stories, we also would have been advised to cut ties, but I know that this is just a hurricane that we have to go through to apprieciate what it is to come in the future. It will be nice to look back and say " It was hard but we overcame it."
I know that it will work, but I see that as of right now we need to be separated since everything is so fresh.
He is a great man, he just has behaviors and thoughts that dont mesh with my behaviors and thoughts right now. I would rather be separated right now and have a chance to start over later, then keep trying to be together and end up hating each other for real.
I am going to try to make it through at least ten days, and then ten more, and ten more until it doesnt hurt so much not hear his voice. We will see how it goes. Thanks again and I will update in a few days unless something develops sooner.
I know I was a nervous wreck with our first child, was I prepared? will I be a good father? etc...alot going on there.
I know it is very difficult for the woman, alot going on and the hormones are out of wack, I knew that as soon as I saw my wife cleaning, something was wrong...lol
Pregancy is difficult on both parties, especially since you are not married.
He answers your calls and calls you so at least you know he wants the connection. You will definately need baby steps, you can ask him what he wants he may not tell you, most men have a hard time "speaking" their emotions, especially if he is a "tough rugid" guy, not all of us can be Tom Seleck.
you need to find his best method of communication, aparently the phone is not it. Maybe you can sit down over a beer for him and a water for you, don't put him of the defensive, but re-enforce that he will be a great father to his child, that by him just being him and watching the kid grow together either as a couple or friends will bring alot of joy to you an the child.
I know I was a nervous wreck with our first child, was I prepared? will I be a good father? etc...alot going on there.
I know it is very difficult for the woman, alot going on and the hormones are out of wack, I knew that as soon as I saw my wife cleaning, something was wrong...lol
Pregancy is difficult on both parties, especially since you are not married.
He answers your calls and calls you so at least you know he wants the connection. You will definately need baby steps, you can ask him what he wants he may not tell you, most men have a hard time "speaking" their emotions, especially if he is a "tough rugid" guy, not all of us can be Tom Seleck.
you need to find his best method of communication, aparently the phone is not it. Maybe you can sit down over a beer for him and a water for you, don't put him of the defensive, but re-enforce that he will be a great father to his child, that by him just being him and watching the kid grow together either as a couple or friends will bring alot of joy to you an the child.
Awww, Tom Seleck :drool: j/k
My SO is how would you say...a different breed. He doesnt understand the "big excitement" behind pregnancy. He has a preteen daughter that he loves very much but he wasnt involved at all in the pregnancy portion past the point of conception. He didnt go to any of the appointments, want to feel the baby kick or anything.
How does he feel about this baby? Well, his last child was concieved before he got married, the child was 6 years old when they decided to tie the knot.
He had expressed wanting to be married before having a child because he didnt want to repeat his previous lifestyle again and because he wanted to have some just us time prior to having a child. Completely reasonable, however despite the fact we werent planning we werent peventing either.
This will be our third pregnancy but only our first to hopefully make it to term. (Im almost 5 months pregnant.)
The first miscarriage was devastating and I found myself blaming him, thinking if he would have cared more we would be having a baby. I became extremly depressed and very emotional and he withdrew and began working like crazy. I think we both to began to wonder if the other really loved us a much as we thought, I think we were both scrutinizing every aspect of our relationship. In the midst of that I became pregnant again 7 months later, but once we kept having more bad days than good days I moved out. I lost that baby too.
He took my moving out as giving up on him, his daughter, his dreams, us, everything so eventhough we continued to have a relationship throughout that year but I see now that he hadnt put very much effort into it any longer because he didnt know where it was going.
When I became pregnant this time, Im sure he had already prepared himself for another loss, so he was even more detached the first three months than usual. The fact they were we still stuck on past issues hendering us from moving foward didnt help matters. I also realized that because I had become so consumed with trying to concieve a baby (I didnt feel like a woman after two m/c's) for the past year, I think I made him feel like all I wanted was a baby and not him too. Which is far from the truth but I do see how he could have come to such conclusion.
As of right now: I quit calling him repeatedly and sending him text messages. I decided to allow him to feel comfortable enough with me to iniate conversation. A few days later he did, and we have been conversating pleasantly for a few days.
I realized in hindsight that I really didnt need to conversate with him 7 times a day, and that its not the end of the world if we dont talk for a day. I am being more considerate of his time and need for time to himself when he has worked 14 hours running his business. In turn, he seems to listen to me a little more and that is always a plus.
Also he agreed to go to the big ultrasound for the baby, and one more appointment later on that I wanted him to attend.
He told me the other night that I was the only woman that I was the only woman that he had been in love with in ten years and that he did want to be with me, he just doesnt want to argue. I dont want to argue either.
...You know we argued a whole lot less when we had more sex. Sorry, I would love to have sex everyday like 9 times a day, but damn jobs, bills, kids, and life hinder that. Too bad he's not into phone sex. Im sorry Im in my own little world there.
Wow you two have been through a lot. Everything makes a lot more sense now. that's good that you're giving him a little more space, and it seems like he is responding to you more (ironic how that happens isnt it). I hope everything works out for you guys.
Valentine's Day I fell into the resentment trap which put a bump in our postive communication for a day or two but the following Tuesday he sent me a slew of text messages while drinking with a friend. He sent fifteen and I think I responded to four. I called him and we talked for a while, then he asked if he could see em, I was somewhat hesitant but Im glad I did.
We talked very openly that night and the following morning, without it becoming an arguement.
After breakfast, I headed back home feeling good and with a little more insight about him.
The next two days I only heard from him once a day usally early in the morning. After the second night of going to bed without heaing his voice, I was irritated but I didnt want to argue about it, but I did want fix the problem. So after thinking about it I came up with a proactive idea that would get my point across without starting an arguement. So I sent him a text that said: The text you sent me when you were drinking were nice, I would love to get text like that when your sober. Thinking of you. He sent me a text back that he was thinking of me too and then another one later that said goodnight. I was very happy, he was making an effort which means so much.
He called me at 8am and asked me if he could take me to lunch later and I said yes. Well he didnt arrive at the time he said he would, but he called me and apologized for that and for acting like a partime boyfriend. He picked me up about hour later, and we went and we had a nice lunch, and great conversation. We discussed the upcoming baby, his business, his financial worries, and things that just amused us in general. Our date was short and sweet but nonetheless fufilling. It meant the world that he took the time out of his already busy schedule to spend time with me. After he dropped me off at home, I sent him a text letting him know just that, and expressing my hope for his finacial situation to improve.
Going Nowhere Fast 
)
Too bad he's not into phone sex. Im sorry Im in my own little world there.
