Married with kids, but want my ex
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married with kids, but want my ex

So here is the background on my story. Sorry for being long-winded.

Dated an amazing girl (letís call her Julie) during my late twenties for 3 years and was certain it was the person I was going to marry and grow old with. We were perfect together and the relationship was simply amazing on all levels. Never had any problems and it was always a happy time. I had to go away for one year to study a course overseas and during that time Julie kind of had a mini-breakdown and she broke up with me. I was distraught and just couldnít understand what she was going through (her parents got divorced as well which might have had something to do with it), but tried to move on as best I could. When I returned home again after that year, we stayed in touch and the fact that she had started dating another guy made it a little easier for me to move on. About a year later, I started to date another woman (letís call her Heather) and this is where I believe my life took a turn that I am now regretting.

Now although Heather was a good person and a beautiful smart woman, the relationship was never easy. We fought a lot and were on and off a few different times. I couldnít really pinpoint it, but I just wasnít as much fun around her as I was with Julie. Maybe itís because she was just a more serious type, but it really bothered me and I felt that I was being held back. Despite this I continued the relationship because I did love her and told myself that I need to grow up as I found a great woman with good values.

At the same time, Julie had broken up with her new boyfriend and begged me to come back. She knew she had made a terrible mistake and did everything she could to convince me that she would stand by me forever. I was very tempted, but was into my new relationship with Heather and wanted to give it a fair chance. I ended up marrying Heather.

So I have now been married to Heather for 5 years. We have one amazing daughter and a son the way. Now while my marriage has been good, it has not been amazing. From the day I proposed, I thought deep down that I am marrying the wrong woman, but was in too deep to turn back. I think that was my big mistake. I constantly am thinking about Julie and how my life would be if I had married her instead. We secretly get in touch from time to time and every time, we have to stop as it is too painful for both of us. She still loves me unconditionally and is not shy about stating it. And I know I still love her, but try and hold back as best I can given my situation. She is living with a man, but has refused to get married as she still trying to deal with losing me. I was her life she says and recovering from it is still taking toll on her. She would gladly take me back if I were to be in a situation where I could.

This is where I need advice. My thoughts for her have never gone away and recently intensified to the point where every day I am thinking about how my life would have been better married to Julie. Itís not that there are any major issues with my current marriage to Heather, itís just that I donít have the same feeling for her as I do Julie. The intensity of these thoughts fluctuate, but they never go away.

Am I being stupid here and suffering from ďgrass is greener on the other sideĒ type thing? I know all marriages lose that luster over time, but mine never had the one I shared with Julie and I truly believe that the luster would not have faded to any great degree if I was with her. I know I am being unfair to my wife and kids, but cannot change how I feel. I am seriously considering various options to be with her. Whether it be a full-on divorce from my wifeÖwhich is highly unlikely given that I have a kid on the way. Or maybe some secret meetings once or twice a year although this is not ideal as it would only make things even harder once back to reality. Or I could wait until the kids are older and then divorce. Or do I just suck it up?

I know some will think I am being selfish here and that I have a good family and I should stick with them as that was the choice I made. But do I just commit to a life of mediocrity when I am fairly certain I could have one that is much more fulfilling and happy. I am starting to spew rubbish here which shows how confused I am. I miss my ex terribly and donít know what to do. PleaseÖany advice much appreciated.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You are making a horrible mistake and it is devestating to your children, who are going to bear incredible harm due to your selfish thoughts. Your children are innocent and do not deserve such tragedy in their lives.

You are in control of your thoughts and if your life is one of medicrity it is becuase you choose daily to make it so. Any person can fixate on an old lover just as any person can fixate on going all in mentally, emotionally and physically with the person they chose. You act like this is all beyond your control when the fact is it is totally in your control.

You benefit in some way by living and thinking this way (i.e. the grass is greener). The discovery you have to make is why are you doing this? Is it fear of success? Did your parents do something to you as a child? There is a specific reason that you are fixating on a past lover while having children with your wife and it has nothing to do with the quality of this other person. It is something you are are personally protecting youself from.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married with kids, but want my ex

I feel so very sorry for your wife and your kids. You're a very selfish man.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married with kids, but want my ex

Believe me, in situations like this, I don't think that any reply can really help you to change your mind. Time will, though, if you let it, and challenge yourself to grow as a man.

It was more of a low key, fond remembrance, but I would sometimes look back on a former girlfriend, a soulmate I thought at one time, and wonder if I had made a mistake by letting her out of my life. She accepted me no matter what, and said that we were meant to be together forever. She was always happy, supportive, and a finalist in our state beauty contest to boot.

Its funny how easy it is to remember those parts of the past, and how insignificant the issues between us now felt.

Guess what? If I had married her, I'd still have to accept that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Sad as it was, in my absence, this former girlfriend could not resist the attentions of another guy like me, if one ever came along. A guy with a troubled past, who no longer wanted to be known as a trouble maker. She liked the romance of being with someone like me, but my wife chose me. This other woman has been through a marriage with a very wealthy man, divorced, and still sends occasional christmas cards for the whole family. I still maintain that I made the right decision, based on what I know of her.

Julie had this mini-breakdown. At some point, I think you really need to dwell on what happened, and the signals that it sent to you at the time. Mini-breakdowns are usually only a symptom of a much bigger problem. If she had half the feelings for you as you have for her, nothing other than a serious problem would've kept her from breaking up. Her later apology might have been sincere, but you can probably expect small samples of this same breakdown, pushing away, and hopeful reconciliation when the marriage gets stale after seven years. If this isn't the case, something will cause the marriage to lose fervor over time, because it is our human nature.

The only absolute in any of this is your determination to work your butt off to make the marriage strong, and turn it into a real legacy. You can even choose to do this with the woman who gave the rest of her life to you already. It is a choice that belongs within the realm of mature, stable men. After making this choice to face it realistically, asking if you have done everything you can, you may still decide that this marriage will not work. But you need to be realistic about what you might be getting into on the other side of the fence.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married with kids, but want my ex

Neither Heather or Julie have anything to do with how you feel. You have major internal conflict that is triggered by Julie's presence in your life. In simple words,YOU are NOT being YOU.

The real you would never even find himself in this situation with a baby coming soon.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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First, let me implore you as some on who has had an affair, do not perpetuate or escalate your affair. Yes, you are having an affair already, it doesn't sound like you've done much concrete with it, but your heart is divided. Cheating is not an option. You think you are tortured and in turmoil now? You have no idea of torture and torment. The prices of an affair defy explanation, please take my word for it, it's something you want no part of.

As for your dilemma, your choice is really fairly simple. Get your heart in to your marriage or get your ass out. Easier said than done I know but it's no more complicated than that. You cannot have your cake and eat it to. You cannot have Julie without crushing heather, even if you decide to have a full on affair, this is true.

In the end you will tell one, or both, women goodbye. It is unavoidable. The question is how will you behave, what kind of man will you be in getting to that point?
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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It sounds like you are suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. I've been there too and I can tell you for certain, the grass is NOT greener and there would be issues with Julie at some point. It is really hard to deal with the "what might have been" questions, but at some point, you have to make the effort to let them go.

You made a committment to your wife and your family. Everyone gets hurt when you bring a third party into the picture, so I would suggest you focus on your wife and the good things that you do have and let Julie go.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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We secretly get in touch from time to time and every time, we have to stop as it is too painful for both of us. She still loves me unconditionally and is not shy about stating it

You are having an affair right now. Stop it.

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Neither Heather or Julie have anything to do with how you feel. You have major internal conflict that is triggered by Julie's presence in your life. In simple words,YOU are NOT being YOU.
And as long as you stay in touch with Julie, the ex girlfriend who also in a serious, committed, live-in relationship wtih her boyfriend, the worse for you and especially your pregnant wife and marriage.

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As for your dilemma, your choice is really fairly simple. Get your heart in to your marriage or get your ass out.

In the end you will tell one, or both, women goodbye. It is unavoidable.
Great post. This says it all.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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The point of all this is you are in love with another woman, and considering an affair or leaving her whilst not only do you have a child, but your wife is pregnant.

I'm sure your wife must have some idea about this other woman.

Should you see this other woman behind your wifes back? Don't be ridiculous. Who here is going to say 'yes, wonderful idea!' Should you stay? Not if you're not in love with her. If you stay out of a sense of obligation you will only end up making her life a misery and cheating eventually anyway.

However, she is pregnant. With your child. Whatever you decide to do, please keep this is mind if/when you leave/cheat - it's going to be devastating to her. I know you have happy visions of running off into the sunset with this other woman but before you do, take a moment to think about the wife, child and the unborn baby you are leaving behind. Think about how this will affect them. Not to guilt you into staying - but so you are aware that in this situation there's more involved than just you and your feelings and try to have some empathy.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by josh215 View Post
So here is the background on my story. Sorry for being long-winded.

Dated an amazing girl (let’s call her Julie) during my late twenties for 3 years and was certain it was the person I was going to marry and grow old with. We were perfect together and the relationship was simply amazing on all levels. Never had any problems and it was always a happy time. I had to go away for one year to study a course overseas and during that time Julie kind of had a mini-breakdown and she broke up with me. I was distraught and just couldn’t understand what she was going through (her parents got divorced as well which might have had something to do with it), but tried to move on as best I could. When I returned home again after that year, we stayed in touch and the fact that she had started dating another guy made it a little easier for me to move on. About a year later, I started to date another woman (let’s call her Heather) and this is where I believe my life took a turn that I am now regretting.

Now although Heather was a good person and a beautiful smart woman, the relationship was never easy. We fought a lot and were on and off a few different times. I couldn’t really pinpoint it, but I just wasn’t as much fun around her as I was with Julie. Maybe it’s because she was just a more serious type, but it really bothered me and I felt that I was being held back. Despite this I continued the relationship because I did love her and told myself that I need to grow up as I found a great woman with good values.

At the same time, Julie had broken up with her new boyfriend and begged me to come back. She knew she had made a terrible mistake and did everything she could to convince me that she would stand by me forever. I was very tempted, but was into my new relationship with Heather and wanted to give it a fair chance. I ended up marrying Heather.

So I have now been married to Heather for 5 years. We have one amazing daughter and a son the way. Now while my marriage has been good, it has not been amazing. From the day I proposed, I thought deep down that I am marrying the wrong woman, but was in too deep to turn back. I think that was my big mistake. I constantly am thinking about Julie and how my life would be if I had married her instead. We secretly get in touch from time to time and every time, we have to stop as it is too painful for both of us. She still loves me unconditionally and is not shy about stating it. And I know I still love her, but try and hold back as best I can given my situation. She is living with a man, but has refused to get married as she still trying to deal with losing me. I was her life she says and recovering from it is still taking toll on her. She would gladly take me back if I were to be in a situation where I could.

This is where I need advice. My thoughts for her have never gone away and recently intensified to the point where every day I am thinking about how my life would have been better married to Julie. It’s not that there are any major issues with my current marriage to Heather, it’s just that I don’t have the same feeling for her as I do Julie. The intensity of these thoughts fluctuate, but they never go away.

Am I being stupid here and suffering from “grass is greener on the other side” type thing? I know all marriages lose that luster over time, but mine never had the one I shared with Julie and I truly believe that the luster would not have faded to any great degree if I was with her. I know I am being unfair to my wife and kids, but cannot change how I feel. I am seriously considering various options to be with her. Whether it be a full-on divorce from my wife…which is highly unlikely given that I have a kid on the way. Or maybe some secret meetings once or twice a year although this is not ideal as it would only make things even harder once back to reality. Or I could wait until the kids are older and then divorce. Or do I just suck it up?

I know some will think I am being selfish here and that I have a good family and I should stick with them as that was the choice I made. But do I just commit to a life of mediocrity when I am fairly certain I could have one that is much more fulfilling and happy. I am starting to spew rubbish here which shows how confused I am. I miss my ex terribly and don’t know what to do. Please…any advice much appreciated.
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Heller, Joseph. Catch-22, Simon and Schuster, 1955"

Life is what you make it my friend. This is largely mental. You program yourself. Yes program to be in love with your wife. Thinking about someone else is literally programming your self out of love with your wife. What you are doing is fantasizing. Be in the now. Make what you are doing now great and not mediocre.

Stop being unfaithful. You have children and your wife is pregnant. Man up. You are acting like a 15 year old girl. Sorry dude. Pitifull. I hope your post is not a serious one. If I was your best friend I would kick your butt and knock some sense into you. You have it good. Stop being a diva.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 02-14-2012 at 08:54 AM.
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Old 02-14-2012, 09:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Julie sounds unstable.. What kind of fun did you have with her. A little crazy, adventuous, maybe a little danger thrown in. Intoxicating with a flighty girl who kepted you on edge maybe. .

Was she ever calm and steady, the type of person that you can build a life and family with? The fact that she could not wait one year for you when she was so much in love but she is willing to wait years now seems unusual don't you think.

Maybe her breakdown was a portent of greater mental problems. Many people have parents who divorce and don't breakdown. What was the nature of the breakdown?

Julie is the type of woman who cheats, is selfish and deceptive. This is a woman you team up with against the innocent souls of your wife and kids. Who is looking out for them while you are busy daydreaming?

Don't be foolish. Don't you think it is time to grow up and be a man who is honest, responsible? You have what many would die for 1.5 kids with a wife who loves you even though she sees your worts. This Julie will dump you as soon as you get a divorce just like she did before.

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Old 02-14-2012, 10:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Josh,

I believe you have been given some powerful advice and criticism here. I hope it gets through. I also think this has the potential to be a very messy situation even if you do not leave your wife. Julie seems unstable and I hope you have identified this as a recurring response.

Lock your heart Josh. It sounds a bit silly but it needs to be done. Not sure how to get it started? First recognize that "feelings" are fickle. You are not thinking straight.

My gut tells me you are heading for a world of major disappointment and turmoil if you leave. Quit thinking about yourself and just "love" Heather. Remember love is a verb. I suggest you drop the chit chat with your distraction and pour your heart and soul into serving your pregnant wife and child. If you really detach and do this I have every confidence you will have a great life without your former GF.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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So Josh - what's it to be? Do you hear what we are saying to you? Or, will you be another one post wonder who didn't hear what they wanted and sticks their head back in the sand because they can't stand to face the situation.

I get sticking your head back in the sand - did quite a lot of it myself. The thing is -every day this continues on - the harder it will be to resolve. Every day you're not getting out of this hole you are digging yourself deeper in.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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So I have now been married to Heather for 5 years. We have one amazing daughter and a son the way. Now while my marriage has been good, it has not been amazing.
Oh god, here we go. Another person that isn't going to be satisfied being with the same person for long. New and exciting opportunity for sex with someone else comes along, and you think the grass is greener on the other side.


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From the day I proposed, I thought deep down that I am marrying the wrong woman, but was in too deep to turn back.
Bulls*** and onions. You don't propose to someone you think is the wrong woman. Either you wanted her or you didn't. Now its all moot as you can't change the past there, but don't try to tell us there was no turning back if you realized this when you went to propose.


Quote:
I think that was my big mistake. I constantly am thinking about Julie and how my life would be if I had married her instead. We secretly get in touch from time to time and every time, we have to stop as it is too painful for both of us. She still loves me unconditionally and is not shy about stating it. And I know I still love her, but try and hold back as best I can given my situation. She is living with a man, but has refused to get married as she still trying to deal with losing me.
So you are an emotionally unfaithful person as is she.

You both should set your SO's free from you. Don't waste any more of their time on this earth that they could be using to find someone who loves them. Then you and this other woman can do whatever you want without further hurting them or wasting any more of their time.


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This is where I need advice. My thoughts for her have never gone away and recently intensified to the point where every day I am thinking about how my life would have been better married to Julie.
So do it. Pay your child support, and make it right with your wife in a divorce.


Quote:
Itís not that there are any major issues with my current marriage to Heather, itís just that I donít have the same feeling for her as I do Julie. The intensity of these thoughts fluctuate, but they never go away.

Am I being stupid here and suffering from ďgrass is greener on the other sideĒ type thing?
I think so, and I think with Julie, or any other woman you just might be the type where the 7 year itch is too much to handle and you'll need to scratch sooner or later.

But really, I'm concerned about your wife and Julie's current man. The deserve better than to be with someone that will always pine for someone else.


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I know I am being unfair to my wife and kids, but cannot change how I feel.
Then that statement says it all. Set your wife free.


Quote:
I am seriously considering various options to be with her. Whether it be a full-on divorce from my wifeÖwhich is highly unlikely given that I have a kid on the way. Or maybe some secret meetings once or twice a year although this is not ideal as it would only make things even harder once back to reality.
And somehow you think anyone in their right mind here is going to tell you that you should further F over your wife by entering a physical affair with this Julie?


Quote:
Or I could wait until the kids are older and then divorce.
Oh thats real nice. Waste 15 to 18 more years of this woman's life only to dump her later. What kind of man are you?


Quote:
Or do I just suck it up?

Nope, it still isn't going to be fair to your wife. You've listed every option OTHER THAN trying to spark a fire with your wife.

So seeing as how you are obviously not interested in that, divorce your wife. Let her find someone that will love her.
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Old 02-14-2012, 10:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Life is made up of choices, we need to make up our mind on exactly what we want and learn to stay by it.I am going to tell you the truth possible in the hard way because that to me is what I owe you in the present circumstance.
A lady who can not wait for you for one year can never wait for you for one year and a month,not to mention for five(5), ten(10),Twenty or more years as expected in marriage.Your secretly getting in touch with Julie from time to time despite openly accepting that you do not have any major issue against your wife(Heather) is an indication that you are consciously chaining yourself to the past and refusing to let go..You need to meditate deeply and tell yourself the truth..What on earth gives you the assurance that if you were married to Julie your future would be as rosy as you think.Have you ever wondered why the saying ''Women are surplus yet wives are scarce / men are surplus yet husbands are scare'' As you have also admitted, you are being cruel to your wife and children. In case someone has not told you,there is always a ripple effect. The shocking aspect is that it does not stop with one generation alone, it goes through the son (in such marriage) to his future wife and their children, Then through the daughter(in such marriage) to her future husband and their children....and on and on. The chain could indeed be endless.Come to think of it..Are you sure your wife does not have ex-boyfriends that may be dying to re-establish their ''first love'' relationship with her if given the opportunity?....I wonder how you would feel as a man to suddenly discover that.Wake up Man!!! ''marriage is a serious business''
Lastly,''it is when a man / woman wakes that his / her day begins-this does not how ever stop the clock from ticking away''.Why??..Time waits for no one.
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