Anxiety and marriage

angeleyes1111 · 02-14-2012, 03:36 PM

I am so lost and confused and scared out of my mind. Last June, I discovered that my husband of only 1.5 years was having an affair. It lasted March-June. When I found out, I asked him to leave and he did. We then went through the motions of seperation. In August, we decided to reconcile. We do counseling, I do alone counseling (I have general anxiety and have for years), and we reconnected and I got over the affair issue and things were great. The last month or two, all I feel is anxiety about the relationship. I love him-I think-I know I want to love him-and I want to feel OK. I keep telling myself that the anxiety will go away. I have analyzed the anxiety (probably shouldn't be), but I have, and I am not anxious about the affair-just the future and can we last and what if we have kids and do I really love him.....I talk to my psychologist about it, but I don't tell her all of it, because I don't want to hear her say then I should walk away. Because I don't want to walk away. I was wondering if anyone else on this sight has any advice or similiar stories, anythig to help me wrap my head around my feelings.

anotherguy · 02-14-2012, 04:44 PM

I am painfully ill-equipped to offer you any sane advice.. but...

"...I talk to my psychologist about it, but I don't tell her all of it, because I don't want to hear her say then I should walk away."

Are you that sure what she would say? Could be that you have a very good feel for how she would react. Do you really trust her?

Would it be better to be honest and get some hopefully objective feedback that could perhaps..maybe... help? If it came down to it - you would at least have the ability to express how you feel about walking away - which can be a valid position too.

If you are going through all the effort of therapy, I suppose its only going to get you so far if you are hiding crucial details about what you are feeling.

sorry.. im sort of babbling here...

Hope1964 · 02-14-2012, 05:16 PM

Take the infidelity out of it for a moment - would you still have those same fears? Because no one ever does really know what the future holds.

My advice would be to be truthful with your counselor. If she's telling you to walk away, and she's ANY good at her job, there must be more going on than you're telling.

s.k · 02-14-2012, 07:03 PM

I think the affair has a lot to do with what you are feeling, if you know you dont want to walk away then I woould suggest that you continue talking to a counsellor and express these feelings to your husband. Its hard to get over the fact that the person you love and given your life to would cheat, thats a thought that will never leave your mind no matter how much you want it to but you have to control the feelings you have when you think about it and all you want to do is walk away if you dont want to.

MSP · 02-14-2012, 08:29 PM

Generalized anxiety might wander around aimlessly for a while, but it likes a place to call home. Right now you're being anxious about being anxious, basically. Fighting it won't help. Giving in to it and leaving him won't help, because it will just be stronger the next time you get anxious about something.

Rationalizing your problem won't help, because fear is not rational. It won't matter what you tell yourself to try to convince yourself things will be okay, because deep down there is always a part of you that whispers, “What if . . . ?”

Here is a revelation for you: the things that you fear are not the enemy; your fears are your enemy.

The solution is to find something that is the opposite of the fear—having a good time doing whatever the fear tries to stop you doing—and think of that. Feel the happy feelings you will have when you do that positive thing. Think of how free you will feel. Then do it. Still afraid? Do something else to attack your fear. Throw it back in its face. And then do it again. You will win.

Unhappy2011 · 02-14-2012, 09:20 PM

Why don't you want to walk away? Don't you think you deserve better?
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