can they be friends?
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default can they be friends?

I have posted a few times about my marriage. I need more advice as the situation has changed again. Husband wants our marriage to work and wants to get rid of the feelings he has about being restricted. He says he's most upset that I "have the power to tell him who he can and cannot talk to unless it's work related". Those were his words to me. There was ONE woman at work that our therapist and I think he needed to stop having personal conversations with. Mainly because she was one of the women he betrayed me with and because they have developed an intimate relationship. I understand they are friends and I honestly hate taking a friend away from him, but I truly feel they are simply too close. She married while they were messing around. (No physical contact, but there were texts and videos)

Do you think it's possible for them to be friends still given their previous relationship? I find it weird that one of the women who helped him break his vows is the one he goes to when he needs to talk. At the same time I want him to be able to talk to someone. Should I just say go for it and talk to her but let him know what he tells her he should also be able to tell me?

I have no desire to control him at all. I simply want him and I to both be happy.

Husband and I are going to have a serious talk about what's going on Thursday and I want to be prepared with what I want to say.

I guess I should come up with boundaries. I just find that hard because I thought he would have known when he was crossing the line. I always went by the rule "if you don't want your partner doing it, then don't you do it".
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

Noooo!
I couldn't/wouldn't accept that.

How do you know the affair isn't still gong on?

How many women did he betray you with? (sorry if this has been posted by you on another thread before)

Would he accept this if the situation was reversed and it was you still in contact with your AP? I doubt it.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

He told me had I done what he did he would not have stayed with me.

They are no longer messing around. I'm pretty confident in that. I just know he would talk to her about things I feel he should have been talking to me about. He would also tell her our problems...which is basically his betrayal. Other than this we have no other issues.

He was texting, doing videos and webcam with about 5 women. I saw all the photos and videos. He physically touched another woman's breasts at work when she unbuttoned her blouse for him during a should rub he was giving. Which he no longer is allowed to do!

I guess I am struggling with his words about how angry he is about me telling him to stop personal conversations with her and me not wanting to be a controlling person.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

If I was on a diet, I wouldn't have the candy bowl on the coffee table.
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OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

You can't control him. You AREN'T controlling him. He's making you feel that way so that he can continue his behavior and you will be "forced" to accept it.

You can give him a choice. It is not for control. Tell him he can choose you or her. If he chooses you, he isn't to talk to her anymore. If he chooses her, then you will move on with someone you can be happy with.

You obviously aren't happy or comfortable with his relationship with her and it's unreasonable for him to think you should be. Most people wouldn't be.

Tell him you aren't controlling him. You are giving him a choice. He is cake eating. You do not have control over his decisions but you DO have control over yours, and tell him you choose to be happy. In the current situation you aren't happy, and it's purely conditional.

Expecting someone to be faithful in a marriage is not being CONTROLLING. He has obviously cheated before. He lost those privileges. You don't dislike her because she is a FRIEND you dislike her because she is a love/sex interest of his, or at least was (but likely still is). That is not controlling.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet n sour View Post
Husband wants our marriage to work and wants to get rid of the feelings he has about being restricted. He says he's most upset that I "have the power to tell him who he can and cannot talk to unless it's work related".
Your husband cheats, rug sweeps, and now wants to cake eat as if it never happened. Not only should you say no, but you should say hell no. He has no right to be angry. You are the one that should be angry that he is showing no remorse for his cheating by even asking you this. How dare he even bring this hurtful matter up again with you. What a jerk.

As for him feeling "restricted", it is called marriage. In marriage you are not allowed to cheat with another women. I have bad news for you. He still has feelings for this women and wants you to trust him so that you can treat again.

Many couples do not allow opposite sex friends at all. Most that do allow opposite sex friends, do not allow opposite sex friends if they had any romantic history with each other in the past. No one allows people to resume opposite sex friendships with people that they have cheated on with in the past.

You need to not blink an eye when you tell him no. You need to be angry with him for trying to pressure you to allow him to be friends with her again. You need to tell him that he clearly is not over her and that he needs to look for another job. He has a choice, you or her. You have a choice to leave him if he does not pick you.

Last edited by TRy; 02-14-2012 at 08:02 PM.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Sweet n sour... disucssing your personal problems with another woman is a big no-no!

The other sex stuff..arrhh!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable...you seem to be a most forgiving and loving wife..... probably more so than he deserves right now.

Stand your ground!
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sweet n sour View Post
I guess I am struggling with his words about how angry he is about me telling him to stop personal conversations with her and me not wanting to be a controlling person.
Why on earth are you struggling with this? There are consequences for cheating. One consequence is that you lose the right to be friends with your affair partner. Considering that divorce is another possible consequence, he is getting off easy. He himself told you that had you "done what he did he would not have stayed with" you.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

I honestly agree with the comments. I need to stand firm. It's just so hard when he's been really good at making me feel bad. I know she is a good friend of his. Had they not done what they did in the past I wouldn't mind their friendship.

I wonder if he found someone else to talk to like he did her if they would also establish a strong bond. Perhaps that means he shouldn't talk to other women like that.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

Male/female friendships are difficult at the best of times i think... impossible if there is an physical attraction.

Does he have any male 'mates' that he can talk to?
Do you belong to a church?

Having someone to vent to is good but not when that person has the power to destroy your marriage.

Best of luck with your talk.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

We don't belong to a church. He has really good male friends but doesn't want to discuss personal issues with them at all. Perhaps he is more comfortable talking to women...or maybe it's more talking to her.

I just hate that this will probably become more than it should when we talk. I want us to work because we are really good for each other and there is tons of love in the relationship. I just fear there is too much respect lacking on his part for me. He's being very selfish.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am in the same situation. I had to send my husband a link to "emotional infidelity" before he "got it". He thought he was not doing anything wrong. I also told him that if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed a break from her. It's not easy and I don't know the right answer. But if he is committed to your marriage he would be willing to work it out without accusations.
I like you feel confident my husband has not done anything inappropriate since but the trust is gone and hard to rebuild. He has to understand where you are coming from and willing to change and understand the damage he has done if it's to work.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gatoluvr View Post
I am in the same situation. I had to send my husband a link to "emotional infidelity" before he "got it". He thought he was not doing anything wrong. I also told him that if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed a break from her. It's not easy and I don't know the right answer. But if he is committed to your marriage he would be willing to work it out without accusations.
I like you feel confident my husband has not done anything inappropriate since but the trust is gone and hard to rebuild. He has to understand where you are coming from and willing to change and understand the damage he has done if it's to work.
Can you give me the link please?
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

No, they can't be friends.
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:17 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: can they be friends?

Hey SweetSour---You are kidding, right---What were you just dropped on this planet

Your H., was messing with 5 women, inapprropriately touching some, doing other things with others, and you let him tell you, how things are gonna be

Your F'ing H., doesn't get to say word #1 about ANYTHING

You lay down the law, you tell him what he will and what he can/can't do---and if he doesn't like any of it---you tell him he start having relations with a D. atty, as in defending agst your action.

You do not be nice about any of this-----you need to be harsh, hard as nails, and you get in his F'ing face and stay there.

He does not get to have friends with ANY females---he can't be trusted----by all rights, if he is messing around at his job---you should demand he leave that job like yesterday

guess what, i am gonna tell you what your future is gonna be---I am not gonna predict, I am gonna tell you----It is gonna be a LIFE OF MISERY

Get your head out of the sand, stand up for your self, show some self worth and dignity, and tell your H. what will be, and how it is to be done!!!!!!!!!!!
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