Tricked, I don't know who I married
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Old 02-15-2012, 08:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tricked, I don't know who I married

I am new to the site and looking for advice dealing with my relationship with my husband.

My husband went through a divorce with his ex , who wanted the divorce not him. During the divorce he remained close to his ex to gain custody of his kids, which is where they belong. I won't go into that mess. My husband during all of the divorce became a Christian and by the time we began to date he was bent on being a changed man of God, never going back to his past. I was shocked to learn of his past and didn't blame him for his feelings of shame. Turns out his wife brought other women into the relationship for both of their pleasure. He fell in love with one of the women who actually moved in with them and their kids. Before we dated I verified he was over this and wanted to live according to God's will. I got the song and dance assuring me yes and he didn't even want to go to the wild parties at their friends houses. I wasn't totally convinced but I stepped out in faith trusting that he was a good father, changed man, and basically a good person.

After dating for a while we were engaged and married. Things started off rocky the first week when he left to meet the ex and sign a paper, telling me he would be right back. After three hours I threw the supper I cooked him in the garbage and went to bed. He said she wanted to talk so they did and cried together. I was upset due to the fact he could have called me with the phone on his side. His excuse was he didn't think about it.....EXCUSE ME....he didn't think about his NEW wife at home for almost 4 hours. I was pretty hott. About a month after that, all of the and women he had been with in the past started appearing on his facebook, calling all hours of the night and showing up everywhere we went. I was getting slapped in the face all the time with his past, trying to adjust to living with new and different families, his ex texting him in the middle of the night wanting him to come have sex with her or lay with her, and to top it off his mother moved in with us. I have been a full time student since we began to date and I am cleaning house, caring for his kids and his mother and cooking when not doing homework. I make time for him and the kids at any cost at any time. It has been almost two years now and he says he is unhappy and feels tied down. He no longer goes to church,prays or even talks about God, and when I try to talk to him he is mean, short and bitter. I have prayed about everything but his treatment of me has gotten horrible. I have caught him lying about little things and confronted him, he still denies the thruth and calls me crazy (amoung other not nice things) and complains about things I don't even do, so I drop it. He has been getting text messages from a girl he claims not to know and nude pictures, which he saves on his phone. I asked him to erase them and asked why he looks at them if he is married to me. I was told he likes looking at other women naked, he is a man and it turns him on, I better learn to cope or leave. He followed up by saying there was some thing wrong with me not wanting to look at other men and he wished I would. He also wants to start going out with the boys to have a few drinks or over to friends houses drinking without me. He said he wants to be a man hang out, drink and have fun and talk to women if he pleases he might even stay gone a few days. He actually brings up divorce quite often and asks me why I am still with him. I am 10 years older than him but I look younger than him, very youthful, healthy and not bad looking. He says I am very pretty and the only thing he does seem to like about being with me is the sex and I clean house and care for the kids well. I told him I married him for better or worse and I promised him and God to be a good wife and love him. I intend to keep my promise to him and God. Thinking something is wrong with me and to cover all bases I even rededicated my life to God and have stayed in prayer. I shared this with him and the fact I am doing everything to better myself and our marriage last night and he went in a complete outrage. He somehow turned it all around as a complete insult to him and told me God won't help me andI will get struck down. To him that is the way it works the better you do the more crap you are delt so why not just be bad. He said he won't conform to it and I just need to get my things and leave. Sex is all that is good and he can get that anywhere and he has even thought aboout going ahead and having sex with someone other than me. He thinks he might as well. I asked him has he cheated or if there is someone else and he said no but there might as well be. I am a basket case I don't know where all this is coming from and it hurts because he is so very serious and stern. Any ideas would be helpful and if there are none please pray.
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Old 02-15-2012, 08:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tricked, I don't know who I married

Why are you putting up with this??? I understand that you are a believer of God but God did not put you on this earth to be treated like that. I think you should divorce him and move on with your life, how long will you live like this before you realise that you deserve a lot better. You are looking after his kids not yours, his mother not yours, and your having to put up with the fact that he is cheating on you. Granted you have made a promise to God but that does not mean that you destroy your life to stick to that promise, you promised to stay faithfull and be a good wife which im sure you have been im sure you did not promise that you will put up with whatever crap he throws at you. Good luck
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Old 02-15-2012, 08:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tricked, I don't know who I married

I would tell you what my dad would tell me...My dad is one of the best Christian men that I know, when I asked him what his thoughts were in instances such as yours he said that God would have never intended for you to be in this type of relationship and sometimes divorce is a necessity....The problems in the relationship were nothing that you created, I honestly do not think that God would want any of his children to suffer, you were deceived, it is not your fault...
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I can't believe he has done a 180 on his whole being and that I fell for it. I have 4 children of my own 3 grown and a 7 year old. We have four children at home his and mine. Honestly I think i stay for the kids more than him. His ex is too busy with her life to even get them when she is supposed to and hardly ever calls. He works 4pm to 3am and sleeps till noon. He usually is busy until right before he goes into work. I try to spend quality time with them. I feel sorry for them. Neither parent makes time for them and prefers someone to do the job for them.We are converting the garage into an apartment for his mother and I work on that when the kids go to bed and he is at work.

You are right I am mature 44 and he is 34. I am settled in life and content, he is not, but says he is. I have survived 2 bad divorces and made it very clear if we married I planned on forever and did not agree divorce was an option. I guess I am kicking myself for being so blindsided and praying for a way out.

I have no job and no way to work and finish school at the moment and could never provide enough income for a place to live for my child. (I don't get child support and wont go through the hassel to get it. She is easy to care for and when Im done with school money will not be an issue in 2 years). At my age I am scared of the world and hurting the kids more than him.

I have been abused in my past relationships and cheated on. One ex gave the reason that I treated him too good like a king and he took advantage. This one I just don't understand how he was such a smooth talker and I fell for it.

He needed a babysitter for his kids at the time we got together and later for his mother. At that time I was a good wife. But now the apartment is almost finished for the mother and his youngest starts school in August. I have contributed to his mother's apartment and remodeling our home floor to celing with my school money the past year. Now the end is in sight in a few weeks My school fund is drained and I'm not needed. I asked him was this the case and he replied see it how you want to you needed a roof over your head to go to school so don't complain. Mind you I had a place when we met, it was tough and the place was tiny but I managed to scrap by.

I just need confirmation I am doing right in my duties and if there is anyone out there that has any idea what the heck is going on with this man PLEASE help me understand how to cope till I can start on my new path on my own. I am older and wiser but this is totally a different situation for me. The other men in my life were not Christians and neither was I until mid way through the second marriage. While everything about me is being betrayed I want to do the right thing until the end and leave some imprint on the kids. I want them to see upstanding morals and Godliness. I am the only source for mine and his. I have to make him go in the garage to drink his beer or what ever is his choice at the time. Never in the house. I don't have anything against drinking but not in fromt of the young kids. He has two beautiful girls 10 and 5 and his outlook and comments are all negative and he snaps at them some now too. I am the one who loves them throuh their pain and tears. I hate the thought of leaving them and the 10 year old has over heard him telling me to leave and asked me who will care for us if you go? SAD! or what?
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tricked, I don't know who I married

And to add to what greeneyes said. I would ask for a separation at this point for both of you to review your lives and see if you want them together. Maybe he'll return to God during that time and you can start again. If he doesn't, be prepared to move on.
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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He may have to provide you with more money than you think during a separation. Talk to a lawyer, the first consult is usually free. You don't have to commit to talk. Just check things out so you can make an informed decision.
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Old 02-15-2012, 09:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Wow....that is tough, when his girls rely so heavily on you as their caregiver....I know that the automatic response is it shouldn't be your problem, but I totally see where you are coming from because apparently neither of their biological parents care for them very much....I have no idea what I would do in that situation because you know there is a good chance those girls will be miserable and alone once you're gone....

I cannot even begin to give you advice in this situation, because I don't even know for sure what I would do, but looking at it just from your standpoint I think you can rest assured that what you are having to deal with in your marriage is not what God had intended for a marriage, and I don't think that it would be something that would be frowned upon, it's not your fault if it fails....
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Old 02-15-2012, 11:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tricked, I don't know who I married

Good for you for your determination and faith. God bless you! Although I can only find fault with your husband in your current marriage description and not with you, HERE is a book for married women that is highly regarded by people I trust.
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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It's hard to think of leaving them, but I know this marriage is not God's will for me. I don't want to be thinking so much of myself that I over look how God is using me with these kids right now. I might not like the place I'm in or the situation, but God may have me right here for a reason (these kids) at the moment. I am going to check into a seperation that way I could slowly seperate myself from the kids some and maybe find someone I could trust to fill in when the time comes. He has said when we split there will be no visiting there is no reason for it. This is hurtful for me and will be for all 4 of the girls at home and the older girls, they love each other so much. I never talk badly of my husband in front of them nor do I allow them to know anything is goin on. Lately this has been hard because his attitude has been so rotten with us all and at times he has gotten loud. I am physically tired of running behind him doing damage control and I am running out of things to say trying to keep peace without hurting feelings. His own mother can't understand what his problem is and won't dare say anything. I know he wants to be free and that is fine but the rudeness I don't agree with. Honestly, I want to be free more than him, because he has now what he knew he was getting in me and I have nothing in him that I thought I married. I feel I am living with a stranger every day but looking into little eyes that need me. I'm torn inside and it is stressing me out. My grades are hurting in school and I can't let them drop. I am an honor student and carry a 3.74 GPA and have possible future job prospects looking at my records. My suffering now, I have to get through without a ripple to get to my degree for my girls. I have never made more than min, wage and I am determined to make over triple that an hour easy with this degree. It's for the kids not me I want to provide better for them than I did in the past as a single mom. (I want this for his girls too, they are mine as far as I'm concerned as well). I was maybe hoping for a man to respond with some input as to what my husband may be doing or thinking. I spoke to him onthe phone tonight and asked would he go with me to talk to someone for help.....He is not interested and doen't think he has a problem but I seem to have many including thinking my God can fix me and him and all the bs in the world. NICE HUH?
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you just bought the book on line that was requested.

Last edited by 04pepper; 02-16-2012 at 01:00 AM.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tricked, I don't know who I married

I'm thinking that maybe at a time when things were falling apart for him, he wanted to turn his life around and then he started to miss doing all the old things he had done before....That's kinda what it sounds like to me....

You seem to be a very strong, level-headed person and I think that with time you will figure out what is right for you and your family. My feelings are that right now you have to worry about you and the girls, even his girls, and let him follow his path....The thing is that no amount of praying or hoping will change someone, God gave us free will in that department. Seems like your H is showing his true colors now....
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If you do separate and the ex wife is so busy with her life like you said, maybe you can talk to her about visitation. This way they can be included in your family with your children and not think that you abandoned them. Maybe eventually you'll be able to be in a healthy relationship so all of the children will know what that is like. Good luck to you. I hope everything straightens out eventually.
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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This may be difficult for you to do but it may help you to get through your current situation.

Firstly, create a vision of where you want to be in the future... then implement a strategy on how to get there.

Keep it simple.

Your vision could be finishing school and getting a good job. If so, keep focused on that and think of the rest of the trouble in your life (your husband) as if you are on a building site trying to move rubble. As you shift one lot of rubble, more rubble just keeps coming but, always keep focused on the vision. You will get to the trenches - finishing school and getting a job!

If you can adopt this mind set and take everything in very small steps to achieving your end goal, it may help you get through this situation and onto a better life.

Stay strong for yourself and the children. Focus on your end goal. It may be to get out but, on your terms or, it may be to turn everything around. Just remember, it takes two to make a marriage work. Your husband isn't working on the marriage.

Your husband may be a sociopath from what you have written. He and his wife care little for their children and such people are intrinsically selfish in nature. They use people. A good indicator is a tendency to blame others as opposed to taking personal responsibility for their own actions.

Your husband may also be a sexual deviant and hooked on porn with naked pictures on his mobile. He may be setting up meetings online with strangers for sex. This is putting your life at risk.

Your husband is using you. You need to be smart to outwit him.

Use the roof over your head to become strong and pull through this situation. Come away with some good qualifications and hopefully a job at the end of it all. A third marriage and being older means you need to ensure that you do the right thing from here on.

Turn around the bad school results by turning your attention to your end Vision.

In stages, you will get there and your husband will be the loser.

You are young... still. You cannot have a husband that treats you badly and then dumps you years later when you are much older and when it may be much more difficult to recover emotionally and financially.

From what you have written, your husband sounds as if he needs help. Let that be his problem from here on in. He seems to act as if you are a soft touch.

Your aim should be to get to a position where you can decide the timing to get out, or stay. Make that your decision, on your terms, not his!

From what seems like a position of hopelessness, you can turn this around. You can make it. Just keep shifting all the rubble and focus on your end goal.

Good luck.

Last edited by Lazarus; 02-17-2012 at 04:42 PM.
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't think you should be having unprotected sex with him-- I'm sorry to say but any husband who is out and about at all hours, gets texts and XXX pics from multiple women, it probably having sex with other women. You should use condoms with him at the very least and make sure you get GYN exams. I can understand wanting to stay for his kids. Maybe a miracle will happen and he'll turn around. Can you bring him to a christian counselor?
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Old 02-21-2012, 05:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you to all of you for your input, it has been very up lifting for me. I do have a goal to finish school in 2 years getting my masters, heading back into the work force making a comfortable living, but not having to work daylight to dark hours in doing so. I lived several years single and it taught me a lot about myself and who I want to be. I work every day to be better, not just good enough for myself and others. While I am here I plan to make the best of the situation that I can for myself and the kids. I have tried to talk to him about seeking help and his response was "Go ahead you need it. I don't have a problem. You have issues." Well, maybe I do.....I have a heart that wants to do right by God, my family and others. I do not like being lied to, it hurts me and when I express how it hurts or makes me feel I am called terrible names and put down. So I don't bother even expressing it anymore. I am 44 years old weigh 105-107 and look about 30 years old after having 4 children. I feel like I look average and have done some modeling, but I don't have a big chest or behind, but I stay in shape. Yet my husband tells me how he loves big chested women with nice behinds and if he sees them he will look and yes it turns him on and he gets off thinking about them, it hurts my feelings. So I am always trying to look my best in hopes that he will notice me and think of me like that. Everyone notices except my husband. Now I am just letting it all go and putting myself together everyday for me, so I feel better about myself. I desire for our children to have and do well and I encourage them everyday to strive to be better. I try to set good examples for them in everything I do. My life is an open book and I admit I have not been nor will I ever be perfect, but I will be the best that I can at everything. My faults and mistakes in life have made me who I am whether I am proud of it or not, God is my judge and not anyone on earth. I haven't done anything bad in my life except habor hurt, feel insecure, distrust and allow others to take advantage of my goodness. So I have issues (yes) who doesn't? The difference is I have a brain and the free will God gave me to use with my determination and I am trying to use it wisely where as my husband doesn't have a clue. The man thinks my relationship with God is an insult to him for goodness sake!!!! I have made a bad choice in allowing this man to be my husband becasue he does not deserve what he has in me, I know this. So in knowing this I will move myself forward to my goal doing the best as I move rubble to leave a print of goodness behind when I am able to leave. I let go of the hurt and bad feelings this man has implanted in me and will allow it to help me make better choices in the future. I will be perfectly happy living single again, I don't need a man......I have the best MAN in my life that any woman could ever have.....I have God who will provide all my desires and needs as long as I allow him. What more could a woman want or need?????? Strong I am and I thank you all for encouraging me, I can't let that man's words and actions bring me down. Thank you.
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