bayberry

Hi - New to the forum and relatively new to marriage. I am 34yo, my husband is 36...we have been married only 10 months and are going through what I believe are the normal hardships anyone goes through during the fist years of marriage. The problem is this: we spoke about starting a family prior to getting married...originally I said I wanted three children and he said two would be fine...I am ok with this BUT he has now expressed specifically that he is not interested in having a family. He has stated that we might have 1 child but he is not excited about that at all. Our sex life has come to a complete halt and I am not sure if its because of this or because or other normal stresses (we both work very demanding jobs) but every time the conversation comes up about family...he changes it or it ends in an argument. I feel this is a real deal breaker...the children part. I am scared of wasting time..I really consider medically the issues of delaying a family and I am scared of what the next step is supposed to be. I just wondered what the forum (both men and women) thought of this situation...a general opinion would be great - its hard to speak to friends and family about something like this because I don't want anyone to have a personal opinion or to make a judgment on either of us.

draconis

It sounds like he did a bait and switch. If it is important to you then I'd say it is a deal breaking. He lied and wasn't truthful and even went so far that by with holding sex to control the relationship and keep you from having the family you want and deserve.

draconis

oceanbreeze

let's see my opinion, (draconis sounded so good!)

what about surrounding yourself with family and friends with your husband and if any of them have a baby that perhaps both of you can take turns holding a baby. see how your husband reacts. let him hold the baby first and do not leave him any clues as to why you are doing it. just as a social thing. i know this is a bit sneaky, but you know how they say actions speaks louder than words. if your husband is truly happy holding a child, he may even change his mind. watch your husband then see how he reacts, you will see the true answer and go with your instincts not what you thought you saw.

draconis

Good idea, oceanbreeze it also softens the blow for relatives it he reacts in a negative type of way. If he doesn't take the niece or nephew than you can see serious issues ahead.

Funny my sibling use to take his child when getting a car. Iff the sales person took the child it showed a sign of trust and not just being fake, or so the thoughts of my sibling. Either way it is more important for you to see your husband for who he really is.

draconis

Doubt&Wonder

My POV.....

Most guys are scared at being responsibly for another life and with you and him only having been married for 10 months he probably is not ready (right now) to talk about bringing another life into this world.... give it some time and then bring up in another year or two and see what happens.

For now just enjoying being with the man you chose to give your heart to for the rest of your life - ENJOY! SHARE! TRAVEL! BE ADVENTURES!

And YES - Your sex has probably come to a halt due to the stress that has been created from talking about having kids - for sex makes kids.

Andrea

What draconis said.


I totally agree on this.

evenow

Oh dear, this sounds familiar.

Unfortunately in my relationship I pulled the bait-n-switch. I thought prior to marriage that I would have children, and years later discovered the more I thought about it the less I desired them.

In your husband's case it could be many things. Has he talked about why he's not interested in children? It could be his upbringing, or genetic worries? Since you say you have very high stress careers, maybe that is influencing his decision, and how he views everything. He may not see being able to spend time with kids or want any extra responsibilities right now. This really needs to be dealt with. You have to know whether he's just not very interested in children because of changeable circumstances, or if he never wants children.

If it's the latter, I'm sorry.