General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
What you found in your wife's chat is pretty much a carbon copy of what many women who come in for counseling tell me about their partners.
Allow me to please explain some common misunderstandings about what she is saying.
Firstly the critical skill that most men should have in a relationship is how to properly emotionally support their partner. Most women will naturally talk about their feelings and want to receive understanding and support.
It is likely that your wife feels she is not getting the support she desires when she speaks to you so she withdrew from that and searched for a friend who would be supportive. While another woman will instinctively offer the support she needs doing so is more difficult for untrained men as they naturally offer advice or logical explanations which feels invalidating and ultimately hurtful for a woman.
Regarding the wording she uses. Please keep in mind that this is the normal way a woman will express negative feelings she is not lying nor is she purposefully exaggerating. Please allow me to explain:
- as a man you are naturally used to talk about facts, information, logic and you keep that focus even in heated emotional arguments
- most women when they are discussing emotions they will express them with whatever words suit them best. As such they assume a poetic license in their language. They will express feelings in a way that when you look at it logically it will seem out of context, exaggerated or flat out lying. However in her mind she is telling the truth because she is expressing how she feels rather than what happened
Furthermore in the case of heated negative emotional arguments your partner will remember the tone of voice and words you said that hurt her. She will remember the emotion of it and it will be out of context. Simply put, when you hurt your woman she will not register the logical context of what you where trying to say, her memory will register the negative emotion and as such blame you for it.
In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:
- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship.
You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to misunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.
- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them.
Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.
To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.
If you would like to take steps towards peace of mind in an elegant way or you are concerned about invading her privacy may I suggest the following material :
"How to never be lied to again" has a wealth of deception detecting techniques and some of them fit your situation quite well.
I feel proceeding as such is more elegant than putting yourself at risk by installing a key logger that you feel uncomfortable using or are not technically able to or confronting her without training and be shut down.
If you would like to take steps towards peace of mind in an elegant way or you are concerned about invading her privacy may I suggest the following material :
"How to never be lied to again" has a wealth of deception detecting techniques and some of them fit your situation quite well.
I feel proceeding as such is more elegant than putting yourself at risk by installing a key logger that you feel uncomfortable using or are not technically able to or confronting her without training and be shut down.
Good morning all. Well never installed key logger. Last night after the usual trips to computer room- she came out and said "is everything ok, u seem like there is something on your mind." Maybe I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I took the opportunity and said " now that u mention it there is something". I explained to her that her constant trips to FB were giving me concern- even more so because it was obvious that whatever she was doing it was clear that she didn't want me to be part of. Well after explaining my concern - she got agitated - went in to room signed on came out handed me laptop and said "can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs. Stay on my page all day and night-text anyone-do anything u like-read my posts etc I'm doing nothing wrong except talking to my family & friends." She then put laptop in front of me and "knock yourself out." She went to bed and I have not talked to her since as she went out to gym early this morning BTW-only needed a quick glance to see that all emails, etc were from family & friends. She seemed so upset. What u guys think I should do now? Posted via Mobile Device
If she is being careful, and if she is in some kind of affair, she would be deleting as she goes along.
I don't know what to make of her "I can't believe you would even question me after 16 years". It could be classic Cheater 101 response. If my wife falsely accused me, I think I would have that kind of response but also would show concern. We cannot presume our spouses will do what we think we might do in the same circumstance. So apply your knowledge of your wife's normal behavior.
I was surprised at my wife's flat and brief response to me asking her about the lady's razor and lotion found in the car. She just said "It's not mine", and "I am surprised you would think I could have an affair". Why didn't she show concern that I had such suspicions? Why didn't she show more curiosity about the razor and where it came from? Why didn't she discuss how to deal with the situation?
So do you think your wife's response and her subsequent behavior is consistent with how you expect her to respond if all is innocent? Trust your gut.
You do understand that she could have multiple FB accounts and secret email accounts, right?
When I raised the issue with my guy about his "friendship" and whether it was continuing, I did mention that I saw a couple of receipts, he offered to me immediately that I could look at his FB account and his yahoo account.
there was none of this "how dare you" stuff. And these days I just would not put up with this.
If you are expected to turn down the approaches of other suitors AND spend your holidays with your partner's boring relatives AND more, then your partner should not have a problem verifying that it's worthy or your time to do so.
If you've been wearing your emotions on your sleeve, and she's atune to this, then she may have realized that you thought there was something up. It could very well be that she's just covering her tracks, and giving you the laptop and telling you to knock yourself out, is just a big show of "how could you accuse me????". I have to say that it appears to be the classic backpedalling response...that she went to bed in a huff kind of seals that, IMO.
Do you have access to the email she uses to log into FB? If so, you can download her FB history to see if she deleted incriminating convos. I've seen it explained on TAM, but I'm having trouble finding the link.
Methinks you shouldn't have told her about FB and just monitored it for a week. If something was up, you are most liklely not going to find out about it since she's hip to you.
But who knows. Maybe nothing is going on. It all seems so strange though.
I read onec, sometimes the most logical explaination for something is exactly what it seems........ :/
Well, right or wrong, when she posed the question if something was up I took the opportunity. Unless she is a mind reader there is no way that she could ever known it was a facebk issue. Now I understand she could have deleted things but I really don't think so. I think it really is a case of her wasting time and talking to her family and friends. I saw a million emails and texts to her sister and mother alone. No I think the issue has switched to me not trusting her or even questioning her. Like I said she never did anything in 16 years and there was no change in her behavior with me in any way. She was perfect me with me all weekend up until I told her what was on my mind . I'm getting the feeling that I jumped the gun - really hurt her by questioning her- over what looks like to me a little innocent facebk obsession. By the way- she usually calls or texts at least 3 or 4 times while I'm working by this time of the afternoon. So far today- nothing from her- no calls no texts no messages. Posted via Mobile Device
Do not allow her to make you feel guilty for sharing your concerns. Chances are she knew darn well her FB addiction was causing a problem.
Also, her facebook addiction is not innocent, even if she is only talking to her family. Visiting her FB every 15 minutes means you're not getting any REAL quality time. If you decide not to investigate further, you still need to address this issue. She should eventually understand that her constant need to visit the computer would be a red flag in any marriage.
Agreed. I don't think I have anything to apologize for. Especially in the way I presented to her- not accusing- but saying it was a concern - and also said if there was something that I was doing I would expect her to tell me what it was so we could discuss. So I need to go home from my job soon- any advice on what my attitude should be when I walk in the door? Obviously by her lack of texting etc to me do far today i am assuming she is really upset. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Facebook Problem with Wife 
