General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Even if you put aside the possibility of affair....
How she has reacted is disrespectful to you and your feelings. You have a right to address your feelings. When you confronted her about her FB issue, she should have sat down with you and showed you her FB and made sure it was clear that nothing was going on.
It sounds like she values her feelings more than yours. You have a right to ask your partner things like that.
@OP: why are you surprised that your wife' sister would be taking her side in this? It was a set-up call. Rather than talking to her sister about this, she should have been talking to you, which she has not. You have done nothing wrong. If you back down you will regret it, as you will no longer be able to speak up when she does something like this again.
To Fireplace Man - at this point you actually have no evidence she is cheating. So explain to her that it's not that after 16 years of marriage you don't trust her, it's that she was acting in a way that sent warning bells off in your head. Completely normal. Everybody would react the same way.
She is being stubborn and expecting you to apologise. You must not do this. You have voiced your concerns, and she handled it wrong. Doesn't she trust YOU enough to sit down and talk about what was going on and be honest.
Seriously, there have been times I have been texting a girlfriend and my husband looks over my shoulder and I pull away and he gets upset. Then I show him. But the reaction isn't because I'm guilty, it's because it's private between me and her, he can read it if he wants but it was her thoughts only shared with me.
Facebook is addictive. She handled it badly when confronted. You got suspicious. You believe there is nothing - so talk to her. Get it all out. She's not acting very mature avoiding you and making you feel like you have to talk to her family about the problems and you can't even approach her.
If you feel you need to investigate further, then do it.
But if you think she is being honest, then trust your wife. You don't need people here to tell you she is or she isn't cheating. Everybody has different advice, from different experiences.
We are not in your marriage. You are. She is talking on facebook and you are talking to us (which is great and I hope it helps you). But now is the time to put the computer down, and go and talk to each other.
Does she work outside the home? She may not be on FB at home, but she could be doing it elsewhere. Smartphone even.
I think it's very strange she reacted the way she did to you voicing concern, and that the first thing she said was "can't believe that u would even question me after 16 yrs." It's weird. You weren't even questioning her about her talking to another man, you didn't question her at all, you just stated her FB time was excessive.
I think she gave something away when she said that. And then she tried to manipulate the situation and you by not speaking to you for 2 days, thinking maybe you'd grovel and apologize for suspecting her. Someone that gets that 'upset' or emotional over a simple concern has something nefarious going on.
I had a girlfriend who used to say to her husband "I can't believe you would even think that after XX years...". Actually, she was having an affair.
I had a girlfriend who used to say to her husband "I can't believe you would even think that after XX years...". Actually, she was having an affair.
Deflection.
Let's take the focus off ME and let's focus on you instead because I'm not ready to stop doing what I'm doing.
What's done in the dark always comes to the light. It may take a while, but it always comes out. Either you sit and wait for it, or you take a proactive stance and start digging. You're going to find what you're looking for 9 out of 10 times.
OMG. Yet another facebook-fueled affair just like my fWWs.
Same red flags. Your gut is screaming at you, and it's rarely wrong in this type of situation. There IS an OM, most likely a coworker, old college boyfriend, old high school boyfriend, or a former lover. And then this is the way it progresses:
Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102
It may have gone something like this:
They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
Then it would have morphed into talk about:
What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...
Well I'm happy to say that I have been monitoring my wifes facebook usage daily (not happy at monitoring, happy to not find anything) for three weeks now and theres nothing. I knew a PA was highly unlikely due to logistics but much less confident that an EA wasn't occuring. The program I used actually takes screen shots so there is no chance that she could be having, then erasing conversations.
The one guy I thought might be the biggest threat actually is quite respectful of our marriage and often checks with her to make sure he isn't crossing some boundary with me in his talking with her.
I did see one guy trying to bait her into an inapropriate conversation and she shot it down quick. He was talking about how it was his birthday and what she is going to give him. She said she'll dedicate her soccer win on sunday (his birthday) basically saying "we'll get a win for ya". You could tell he was not impressed so he pushed her for more like letting him tickle her and she says "no, thanks". So he posts a sad face and she says "don't know what to tell ya". After a little more small talk he writes "nite, hon" and she writes "adios". I was proud of how she handled it.
The ironic thing is the only conversation she has had about o0ur relationship issues occured just three hours after I installed the program. She was venting to a friend about us in a pretty mean way that was hurtful, but I had to put it in the context of her having a private conversation and how all of us paint things in a way to get support.
She had a follow up chat with this person the next day that was much less toxic and very brief. Then nothing more on the subject to anyone. I found out her FB login and went through all of her conversations with this friend and those two IM interactions were it. It just amazes me at the timing. If I waited one day I would have missed it.
I did see one guy trying to bait her into an inapropriate conversation and she shot it down quick. He was talking about how it was his birthday and what she is going to give him. She said she'll dedicate her soccer win on sunday (his birthday) basically saying "we'll get a win for ya". You could tell he was not impressed so he pushed her for more like letting him tickle her and she says "no, thanks". So he posts a sad face and she says "don't know what to tell ya". After a little more small talk he writes "nite, hon" and she writes "adios". I was proud of how she handled it.
Haha! She went on facebook today and immediately set this guy to "do not see" so he wouldn't know she was online.
I personally hold FB responsible for the downfall of our marriage. Currently going through dissolution that will be final later this month. It seemed like it wasn't very long after she joined things started to fade. Our lives have always been very stressful as we have 2 special needs boys so needless to say we dont get out as much as we would like. I think she has seen on FB all the running and partying her friends are able to do now because there kids are either grown and gone or can take care of themselves now, and I think that is what she wants and has decided to leave. She says she wants a better life for "both" of us. She swears there is nobody else but I really have to wonder sometimes. I just checked out cell account and have found she is texting all the time. I know she has a lot of friends and does some texting for work but I have found her and my best friend have been texting A LOT lately. We have all always been very close friends but I find this to be kind of weird. Especially since he rarely ever contacts me anymore.
She then told me that she talked to my wife and the reason she is upset is because she feels as if I don't trust her and now she cannot go back to her friends and family and do what they have been doing because I have now tainted her experience. She also said that they both agreed that they were getting crazy with it and it was becoming obsessive. I think I really messed up and maybe should have approached it in different way. She thinks I violated what she feels she earned in our marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry that I'm going to say something you won't like hearing. This is not the response of an innocent person. This is the response of a person who is trying to present an appearance of integrity, that of someone with a guilty conscience. Whenever someone says "How dare you doubt me!?" in what is otherwise a pretty normal situation, you should be worried that something isn't right. You didn't accuse her of having an affair, just raised an issue. If nothing was the matter, she would have tried to explain to you why you have nothing to worry about, not become indignant and self-righteous.
"Methinks, the lady doth protest too much."
I'm not saying she is having a full on affair, but something is going on and she is keeping something from you that she wants to protect. It could be doubts about your marriage, it could be something about herself that she isn't sure of, it could be just a crush she has on someone that she doesn't want to admit (girl talk that you wouldn't want to hear). The problem isn't that. The problem is that she isn't putting your marriage first and that she is trying to blame-shift, gas-light, and misdirect you instead of getting to the root of the problem or working it out with you. She is withdrawing and protecting herself as a unit and she is not working in favor of fixing the marriage.
I would suggest that you not give up on this issue, that you remain vigilant, and do not rug-sweep it. Don't keep fighting her on it. Let it go. But keep an eye out and be vigilant. Something is definitely going on whether or not it is an affair; it is something that isn't helping strengthen your marriage and it's a communication and secrecy issue.
When you log onto your wife's account, immediately go to her chat box and log off. Then her friends will not detect you. I caught my husband having multiple cyber affairs, and trying to hook up and meet. They were all women he knew from work or previously (before we were married). He was also talking smack about me (messaging) to multiple friends. It really hurt. I suspected him when he would stay up to all hours texting this one woman, and when I would come downstairs he would minimize the texts so I could not see who he was talking to. One day he left his Facebook page open, and I read and printed it all out. I confronted him. All he could say for himself was, "I am sorry you had to see that.." We have since rectified that even if you are not having a physical relationship with someone, it is still an affair. EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED AFFAIR = EMOTIONALLY DETACHED MARRIAGE. I have not had any intimacy or attention from him for four years now. It all went to other women, while I took care of our house and children. We are working on it, but I highly recommend webwatcherdata.com to moniter her, secretly. I have since seen many women begging for his attention, and he has been good. Let's me know who the enemy is, and I wind up at parties sitting right next to these ladies. It all just hurts.
Thinking that you can confront a cheater and they will come clean did not work for me. Luckily, I had EA printed out proof. And it was quickly escalating to PA, with him pushing and pushing to get together. When confronted he denied, denied, denied. Long before I had the proof, I suspected. I would ask, "Are you cheating on me?" and he would laugh at me, tell me I was silly. He told me, "I will tell you if you have something to worry about." Then he would text multiple women about the sex dreams he had about them. When could they get together? They were equally baiting him. All in my house. Where I trusted him. With our kids. When confronted WITH the printouts he just said that it was never going to amount to sex, so it was all okay. We are working on that. We are seeing a marriage counselor today, our first visit. I will see.
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Re: Facebook Problem with Wife 
