General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Debating between just telling her to go to her page and let me sit with her and see what happens or just getting a logger if I knew where to find one. if I do the keylogger should I just take the computer to a tech when I know she's off getting groceries or something? I'm not computer savy so I'm afraid I will mess it up. I know that she is going to the mall with her sister tomorrow night. Before jumping to conclusions her sister is picking her up. They are usually gone for at least a couple of hours so I would have time. Maybe this is the only way to really figure it out, short of figuring out her password.
One easy way to find out what you want to know is limiting her privacy on the computer. She runs off to it, give her about 5 or 10 minutes (so she's deep into it) and then go in the room and hang out. Find some reason to be in there so she either has to shut down or continue on... if she shuts down each time you do this, you really have your answer.
Chatting with a girlfriend is one thing, chatting with a guy is another. I like to talk.. not facebook chat. I'll call somebody before I sit in front of the computer. I'm on a computer all day at work already. Who has that kind of time to chat it up at home??
Yes we friended on FB and I looked at her friends many times lately. I can see at least 20 or so people that I didnt recognize. 7 males, never thougt at lookin too muchbefore. In the times I keep looking this week there is one guy always near the top of the group of 10 people u see as friends without clicking on the friends (364) thing where when u do all friends pop up in another screen. I do not know whi he is & when i clicked on him it said he only shares info with certain people.
Yes, we have kids (12 & 15). I am certain that it is the FB page each and everytime. I can clearly see that when I walk in. Never seen anything but FB and I must have walked in there 500 times in the last month.
Also, I would get out of the house more. Your kids are old enough to be left alone. She can't be on FB for hours without access. That quality time with you elsewhere can tell you a lot too. Watch her behavior, see if she's antsy or uncomfortable, or just refuses to be out/alone with you... finds excuses to stay in.
Sounds like an EA to me. Welcome to the club. In all seriousness, you will most likely need hard evidence before she admits to anything.
Expect things to get far worse before they get better, if thing could even possibly get better. My story sounds very similar to yours. Its unfortunate, but I'm cruising to divorce.
I have gone into room many times of late to start convo bout something, etc. Its not like shutting right down, she gets figidty starts minimizing page or now i suspect shuting off chat, not sure what she is doing but certainly moving from what she wasdoing when i walked in. If I stay a few mins, down goes cover. I go into other room and she follows. No kidding here-ive been timing it she cant sit still for more than 15 min & shes right back in there. If I walk back in,, the same routine as above is repeated again. Starting to be maddening. I can predict almost every move.
We are not house hermits-we go out to dinner at least 2-3 times weekly to nice places, go to movies, go out for drinks, run together, and take at least 2 vacations yearly and each have many, many friends and great and big families.
This thread could not have come at a better time. My wife is going to pick up our son at school (a 40 minute process) and I will be installing a keylogger.
I know she is not having a PA and I don't think she is haveing an EA either, she is just so cold to me lately and can't really express why except a couple of things that seem fairly trivial. I need to know if she is telling someone something deeper that I can use to understand what is really going on with her.
My wife is also on facebook all of the time. She doesn't necessarily operate in secrecy but then again I don't act very curious (though I am) because I don't want her to get over protective of her privacy.
The point is, I want to know what is going on under my own roof and in my marriage. It may be depression and she really does not know why shes sad and indifferent to me. It may be resentments she doesn't feel comfortable revealing to me but is willing to confide in someone else. It might be an EA. All I know is the answer is on that computer and the peace of mind in truly knowing what time it is is worth the invasion.
If she would just talk to me in something other than vague references about our marriage I wouldn't be doing this.
TBH I'm pretty nervous about it but excited at the same time. Nervous of what I will find, excited about taking control.
I have gone into room many times of late to start convo bout something, etc. Its not like shutting right down, she gets figidty starts minimizing page or now i suspect shuting off chat, not sure what she is doing but certainly moving from what she wasdoing when i walked in. If I stay a few mins, down goes cover. I go into other room and she follows. No kidding here-ive been timing it she cant sit still for more than 15 min & shes right back in there. If I walk back in,, the same routine as above is repeated again. Starting to be maddening. I can predict almost every move.
Subtlety has left the building. She's blatantly obvious! Don't go mad, GET mad. Big difference. Call her out on her behavior and tell her exactly what's on your mind. Don't allow this disrespect to continue. And YES this is disrespectful to you and your relationship. She's hiding things from you. No bueno.
Paul- feel same way. Dont think its a PA. Not sure if its only one guy, maybe talking to friends too, just dont know. But what Im sure of is that whatever shes doing, she is very nervous for me to see. Last week when this really started getting obvious I posted a nice picture of our kids that i took a week ago on y own FB page. I walked in and used the excuse that wanted to see how it looked to the people that got it. she let me stand over her to see how it looked on her FB but she was like frozen. I saw another picture just above mine that her girlfriend sent her and I said oh_____ sent you a nice picture of her vacation let me see. i never saw anyone so carefully scroll upward so that I could see just that picture and post and no other. I'm no fool, she was frozen, that's when I realizedthat this was becoming an issue. i like you feel that the answers lie in that dam laptop-just haven't got to the point of the keylogger-actually heard that term for the 1st time this morning. But unlike u, there are no other sign that anything is amiss and we getting along just fine.
agree with a Bit Much. i am mad. So i call her out, get upset, tell her that its disrespectful and so on. i imagine that she will say that shes just talking to her friends etc. Then what? she denies it and i never find out really what is going on. I starting to thing like paul-maybe its time to go underground here- without saying a word to her first. i know for fact that her guard is not up yet as I have not let on to her that i think anything else is wrong. Going to dinner tonight without kids, then i will guarantee the same scenario will happen between like 9 when we should get home and 11:30P. At least six or seven trips back and forth in there.
You have to get to the point that when you confront - if she won't give it up or let you see that computer that you are comfortable enough something bad is going on that her lack of co-operation makes her guilty. DO NOT confront her until you arrive at this point. If she is cheating and you have any doubt she'll find it and use it against you to get you to go away - at least temporarily. Then she'll take it deeper underground.
Only confront her when you're willing to declare her guilty if she doesn't give you what you want -regardless of what she says.
My guy and I talk about moving in together. But interestingly enough, I have never opened this message board on a computer at his place. I use this place to vent, to gain control of my emotions after having to deal with his EA which reminded me of the EAs in my failed marriage. I do ask myself how I will be able reconcile this when we are cohabitating.
Regarding FB, I did notice, that his EA partner was very active on his FB wall during that period, so yes I would advise anyone to periodically watch their partner's FB wall. I noticed that whenever he would go to a concert without me, she would "Like" his mention of it. Of course, she went with him.
But then her security settings were such that if he signed on to her wall, then "friends of friends" (ie. me) couldn't see that.
My guy then offered to defriend her. I agreed to it since I thought, well, if there were any interaction between them on there, I couldn't complain. I did like looking at her wall from my guy's account as I was able to gain a better picture of her. That's how I found out her b-day and was certainly able to pre-empt any intentions my guy had (which he did) of going to her party without me.
I already know that she is guilty of not wanting me to see something or somethings plural, that I am sure of. So Ive already established that clearly in my mind with no doubt that shes guilty of at least that. So if I confront and she refuses to let me see, as i suspect she will, it just verifies what i already know. Im sure that my confronting her will take her by total surprise. What i need to find is the particulars. Just verifying her guilt by not letting me see does nothing to resolve this issue for me, innocent chat, messaging or not.
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Re: Facebook Problem with Wife 
Who has that kind of time to chat it up at home??
