General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Over the last few months my wife is on FB almost every second of her spare time and its really starting to eat away at me. Everytime I go near her or walk into the room where her laptop she is like a deer in headlights. I have no reason whatsoever to think that she is cheating or anything like that, we are together always. We are not kids we are in our late 30's. If I lean over her to speak to her she gets antsy and starts moving the cursor up and down, she disables her chat etc. I also noticed that she set up (from seeing her page) a new FB e-mail account aside from the one we already have with Yahoo.
I see her typing away posting or writing or whatever all the time, but when I look at her home page or wall (we both have our own computers) there is nothing posted on her page for weeks. Whatever she's doing, innocent or or otherwise, there is no question that she doesn't want me to see it, and she is mailing, texting or writing posts somewhere else that I cannot see, innocent or not, it is unsettlling.
I'm thinking about asking her her in a diplomatic way to let me see her page, her e-mail and her posts or at least let me sit next to her for an hour or two to see what messages she gets, who IM's her and stuff like that. Married 16years- I would freely let her see my e-mail-phone-text-FB or anything else if she had a concern-because I have nothing to hide. She could look over my shoulder for weeks and I would not have a problem. Should I tell her that if there nothing you wouldn't want me to see-why would there be an issue. Any thoughts on how to handle this this would be very welcomed.
This has red flag written all over it. She isn't going to just 'let' you see what she's doing you are going to have to go about this another way with possibly a keylogger. I think it's time to gather evidence to find out who she's talking to all day and what's she's talking about.
This has red flag written all over it. She isn't going to just 'let' you see what she's doing you are going to have to go about this another way with possibly a keylogger. I think it's time to gather evidence to find out who she's talking to all day and what's she's talking about.
My wife used a keylogger to catch me. You wouldn't be posting if you weren't concerned. Might be only talk right now, but it is talk she doesn't want you to see apparently.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
As someone who had an EA that was based primarily in facebook - I assure you this is bad bad bad.
How to proceed is tricky. If you do what you propose above odds are that she'll create some half baked reason to keep you from it at that immediate moment, figure out how to take it deeper underground and then present you a sanitized picture to put you at ease.
How about her phone? Does she have a smart phone? If she does you might just have to one day take both from her, log them both in and watch and wait. If she doesn't have a smart phone honestly I'd take her cell phone for the same period anyway because whoever she's communicating with they are likely communicating via text also. Speaking of which - can you check the cell phone bill for volume and numbers of who she's talking to? If you do this, don't be surprises to find a password on the laptop and a lock code on the phone. Once you take the move of confrontation you've got to see it through. If you get possession of those devices and they're locked you MUST make her log them in. If she won't you've got your answer and you cannot proceed until she reveals what she's hiding.
Personally - I'd hide and watch for a bit - but not too long. EA's escalate with amazing speed - scary speed - like you wouldn't believe it could happen speed. How about a voice activated recorder in her car?? Phone calls in the car are a favorite of cheaters.
Sorry you find yourself in this spot. Maybe I'm off base but the red flags are there and they're usually not wrong.
Edit to add: to give you some idea of how this works and why surprise and control of communication is so important. It's not uncommon for two people cheating to have a simple one word code that if received, means to go dark until the all clear code is sent. A simple one word text from your wife could shut the whole thing down and leave you empty handed and looking like a paranoid fool. You need to be sure you have the bases covered before you confront.
No, have not mentioned a thing to her yet. Just trying to figure the best way to handle it first. No other issue in marriage whatsoever but this. I phone is always unlocked, she leaves it around all the time and never uses it very much. We also have same account that I pay the bills on and I already looked at that and there is hardly any usage by her.
If they have to hide it; they shouldn't be doing it!
We (DH & I) don't do FB; never have and have no desire to. I've heard divorce statistics have sky rocketed since FB came on the scene. One of the reasons being members, male & female, are using FB to reconnect with past loves. I'm not saying this is what's going on, it may be something totally different but IMO if it's 'innocent' then there would be no reason for the secrecy. I think your idea of 'friendly' confrontation is a good one. You'll be able to judge from her reaction whether or not you really have anything to worry about.
No, have not mentioned a thing to her yet. Just trying to figure the best way to handle it first. No other issue in marriage whatsoever but this. I phone is always unlocked, she leaves it around all the time and never uses it very much. We also have same account that I pay the bills on and I already looked at that and there is hardly any usage by her.
Well that's a good sign but don't take a deep breath. Not to sound like I'm paranoid but keep an eye out for a second phone that you don't know about. Again - not uncommon at all. Cheaters (if that's what you're dealing with) are devious, creative and resourceful - it's amazing the lengths they will go to to keep their affair alive.
FWIW - I thought I was the most happily married guy in the world the day my EA began. Just because everything is good in the marriage does not mean you are safe from this.
I'm not even thinking anything like an affair, at least as yet. We are together everynight so do not think that. But it is driving me mad trying to figure what the heck she is doing every few minutes for hours and hours. In fact she can't sit still and watch a televison program for more than 15 minutes before going to turn the computer back on again. This has been more apparent over the last month or so. I mean she gets up every 15 minutes, goes to FB, I have at least been able to see that when I walk into the room. I have been doing nothing but observing this pattern develop as she seems to be typing like a mad woman. She is not on late at night, goes to bed and goes to sleep, but the pattern continues the next day and from about 6 to 11PM each and every evening without fail.
Boy oh boy would I like to get that FB password for just an hour!
I'm not even thinking anything like an affair, at least as yet. We are together everynight so do not think that. But it is driving me mad trying to figure what the heck she is doing every few minutes for hours and hours. In fact she can't sit still and watch a televison program for more than 15 minutes before going to turn the computer back on again. This has been more apparent over the last month or so. I mean she gets up every 15 minutes, goes to FB, I have at least been able to see that when I walk into the room. I have been doing nothing but observing this pattern develop as she seems to be typing like a mad woman. She is not on late at night, goes to bed and goes to sleep, but the pattern continues the next day and from about 6 to 11PM each and every evening without fail.
Boy oh boy would I like to get that FB password for just an hour!
Ask her what she's doing. Then drop it, don't mention it again, and keep your eyes opened. Her reaction should be telling enough.
Not to freak you out, but you do not need to leave the house to have an EA...
Agree and if not stopped they CAN turn physical. They all start innocently enough. "Oh it's just a friend" but then it spirals out of control quickly. I've seen it happen with acquaintances.
Well since I've sounded the affair bell pretty loudly let me give you the flip side.
It's also possible that she's doing something on facebook that's not illicit, just something she knows you won't like. Example. I'm on this site a lot - more than is healthy really - and my wife always gives me a kinda weird look when she finds me on it. I have a tendency to keep the iPad near by and check in periodically when I'm at home. Since I know it weirds her out just a little I have a tendency to want to conceal it from her. I have nothing to hide mind you - she knows I'm here, had my user id and password as well as her own. It's just a reflex since I feel a little bit of judgement when she finds me here on TAM.
Maybe your wife is simply feeding her animals on farmville and just thinks you'll think she's weird for being so into such a stupid game?
What I do know is that secrets in a marriage are cancer - either way you've got to get it cut out or it will continue to eat at the relationship.
BTW - to the other "regulars" before you jump on me for hiding something from my wife. I recognized that concealing anything from her was bad instantly and knew that I either had to get comfortable with it or not. Clearly I'm still here so I got comfortable with it but it doesn't mean I don't still have that reflex for some reason.
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Facebook Problem with Wife 
