Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage
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Old 02-16-2012, 02:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

Hi everyone,

Apologies if you've heard this all before, but this is new to me. Fries my brain and scares me ****less!

I have been in my first long term relationship for over 6 years now, he was my "first" sexual partner as well as my first long term relationship. He is 5 years older; i am now 25 and he is 30. We moved in together pretty much straight away and got married 2 years ago after i finished university.

The problem? Well, a few things that have been eating away at me for too long. Admittedly, this feeling comes and goes, but i've been feeling this all too frequently.

1) I now find him increasingly boring. He isn't very playful, he doesn't understand why i enjoy being carefree and enjoy life alongside humour. If i don't make light of something during the day, he would rarely try to make either of us laugh. UNLESS he gets the giggles from getting high, which i feel i now really encourage as it seems to be the only way i really have a laugh with him.

Anyway, for this reason, i have stopped taking him out with friends. as he'd sit there not really understanding a joke or turning the conversation serious and unpalatable. I've lost my old bestest friends (also because they were male and caused Huband to feel insecure) now, atleast i have a couple girls that i meet/go out with outside of work. I have even "dropped" out of my group of friends as it was becoming awkward for everyone, conflicts would rise and i couldn't keep coming up with excuses as to why i or we couldn't go out.


2) Our communication skills. I find myself keeping what i think or how i feel inside, TOO OFTEN! We are both quite sensitive people, but anything that is shared is not understood or accepted. I try to be as clear and as careful in what i say - to not offend or upset - but however i express it, we end up shouting at each other, because he doesn't like or accept how i might feel, and i dislike his reaction (+lack of understanding/acceptance) to what i have said. we end up crying, throwing abuse and not talking to each other all day and night and then through my exhaustion i apologise to him for feeling such and such a way - and for him to forgive me and be alright with me!
I find it SO difficult to not be able to freely express what i want to my partner. I feel isolated, resentful and want to escape to a place where someone will listen and accept my feelings.

3) He doesn't have any active hobbies. Except what he does for work. He is indeed very lucky to enjoy his job and i am super happy for that. But he doesn't do ANYTHING else. He'll talk about wanting to do this or that, and he has done since i met him. But nothing! No avid interest in sport, no games, no books, no art, no music, no gardening, no nothing! I've booked classes for him, and even asked to do things together, but there is always an excuse. He has a couple of good friends that he sees 1-3 times a week for a couple of hours a time.
He does have interests in politics and the world, even travel and smoking, but there is only so much we can discuss???!!

4) Lately, i have been fantasising too much. Sexual, playful, and even social!! And he isn't in any of it. If i'm attracted to someone in the street and we make eye contact, i can quickly dream of whatever i would do to him or him to me. I even picture myself with a "partner" with my group of friends. I dream about a "partner" tickling, playing, joking with me. And afterwards, i feel pathetic!

The things is, he really is a kind, smart and good man. And we definitely do have lot of interesting worldly conversations.
He has helped me lift out of depression and been there for me through previous abuse, and i'm so grateful for that, he helped me when i felt i couldn't be helped.
Also, i am his only family now.

And i do genuinly love and care for him. I suppose i married him because a) i was young, it was quite random, i enjoyed the spontaneity of it. b) i couldn't imagine him not being in my life. I'd hate to hurt him. and c) i didn't really believe in marriage at the time, so went with it as, to me, it was a party for a piece of paper for him and my family.

I'm just scared of wasting away my life not being completely satisfied. But then i'm scared to hurt all the people that are involved (my family is huge and everyone loves him).
And that the happiness i am searching for, doesn't exist or isn't going to happen for me.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared, bored, lonely and tired of this relationship.
Is this normal in marriage? Does anyone else feel similar? What can i do to better things? Am i being silly?
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

Youre not being silly. Is he from the same 'culture' as you. Its not usual not to understand a joke.
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

We have a "mixed-race" relationship. But i'm not sure if that itself has caused any issues or problems...
The joke thing, wouldn't necessarily be difficult to understand - he himself is smart - i suppose we just don't have similar ideas of what is or isn't funny.
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

I gathered that but didnt want to say it. I cant really see what you can do about it.
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

He sounds like me... I don't know why but I have a hard time just enjoying a laugh sometimes even though I have a pretty robust sense of humor. My mind gets weighed down with stress and obligation because I feel trapped by my responsibilities, and it was so much worse when my W was saying she wanted the same things you did... I hard such a hard time having faith that I could uphold the basic duties of life especially when she had horrible spending habits, racked up debt, was a slob and was resentful about having to plan things or take on any kind of boring tedious type of task. I have never felt the basic security in life, probably because I have never really had any one to depend on since I moved out on my own after grade 12, I obviously do get by just fine but mentally I am always on guard and it shows up as being too serious and reclusive, like your H sounds.

He may be bitter and uncommunicative thinking he can change you to meet his needs better by punishing you and himself (aka he has "nice guy syndrome"). Or is just suffering from stress and being overwhelmed from it all.

Another thing I would say is it is very dangerous to be encouraging him to do drugs, to escape from his anxiety that is a recipe for addiction.
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

He sounds quite a bit like my husband. me trying to crack jokes or lighten things up because I want to see a smile or joke around. no hobbies, he has lack of interest, however i am very dedicated in my hobbies. my husband will also talk about all sorts of things he wants to do, or new hobbies to try, talks about it like its really going to happen.,, it never does. just like yours. also Communication problems, i usually keep everything inside to prevent a fight. No matter how small the subject or how stupid it is, something can easily get him very offended and blowing out of proportion to the point that i hardly try because i dont want to walk on eggshells. my problems may be different, because my husband has anger problems that he is getting help for. Also he is very childish and dramatic . but his biggest problem is that hes depressed. when hes walking around, theres obvious body language, tone of voice, and things he would say that shows hes very depressed. but he didnt know it. most people dont. I am wondering if maybe it is similar to what you are going through... that its not the jokes that its more than that. because you are so desperate for joking around and playfulness... and because you feel lonely and bored. is your husband becoming distant or showing any signs of depression? it took me a while to see my husband as he really is because as hard as it was for him to realize he was depressed, it was hard for me to accept he was depressed. I am just throwing it out there, if its helpful, if not. but reading your story reminded me so much of what im going through. I am still trying to sort my issues with my hub out, but out of everything ive read on here,. you described a lot i can relate to. Im still figuring things out myself.
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

@accept, how did you know??

Thanks Lon. That was actually really helpful. I know he's been feeling quite stressed with life lately - he took the job he wanted but it pays less - but that's only been an issue the past couple months. He has been like this for as long as i remember. I try to make life as easy and enjoyable as i can for him. I'm not sure what else i can do? How am i supposed to get him / us into being able to lighten up? To be honest, i remember thinking this before we got married. I just thought we'd get on with things and improve things gradually. Like you, he also moved out really young and has had to support himself, and only himself since he was 15.
We have definitely had times where we've both really enjoyed ourselves lounging or out and about, but it's the everyday seriousness and boredom/not being playful/light/humorous -or whatever you want to call it!
I'm wondering if i keep at whatever i'm doing to help, he'll get to reach feeling secure and comfortable enough to finally let go. Or, is he always going to be this way as stresses of life and living don't really go away as they morph etc?

Yeah, i realise encouraging smoking isn't great. at all!! To be honest, he's been smoking since before i met him - i think he's been using it as an escape/coping mechanism since before he lost his folks about 10years ago. I tried to get us into swimming, writing and other activities but they didn't really stick,
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

Thanks darksky. Sounds really tough on you both right now.. How long has it been like this for?
Yup, our husbands do sound similar!! I don't think mine has depression... he talks quite a lot really, isn't distant and always wants affection. Might have to do a bit more research on that tbh. How are you dealing with it all?
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

How I knew. Well I and my Wife are also from different 'cultures'. This of course makes things very difficult. My sense of humor is totally lost on her.
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Old 02-19-2012, 01:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling trapped + lonely in my marriage

I too know true loneliness in a marriage. Living in the same house with someone and being totally alone. He goes to his room and I go to mine (we have separate beds because of his snoring). When I try to talk to him about my loneliness, he gets very annoyed and angry. Unlike you, I never hold my feelings in. He knows everything I feel, however, he shuts me out so he never hears me. It is like he is behind a wall of glass and can just see my mouth moving but doesn't hear my words.

You cannot change someone no matter how hard you try. My husband is not going to suddenly stop being depressed, stop drinking, and start liking to cuddle. I am very affectionate and have not been touched in ages. Thank God I have my dog Lou who can take all my affection.

I too lost all of my friends because they were all men. I like men better as friends because some women are boring. Talking about their kids, soccer games, blah blah blah. I love to joke around and just be me, but my hubby gets very very angry if he catches me even writing a male friend an email. Why does he care? If he doesn't want me, why can't I find solace anywhere else? And not physical solace.

I had two emotional affairs through the years that made me feel more alive than anything. Hubby got suspicious and hacked my phone and computer and made me out to be a *****. I just crave any kind of attention.

He is who he is and will never change. I find myself mimicking his depression by sleeping all day and being lazy like him. I fear there is no hope.
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by endlessgrief View Post
I too know true loneliness in a marriage. Living in the same house with someone and being totally alone. He goes to his room and I go to mine (we have separate beds because of his snoring).
I too was sleeping in the spare bed for "snoring" (well it was actually a medical problem, massive nasal polyps that were literally choking me, that I took way too have fixed partly because of my stubborness and largely because of a 18 month surgery waitlist). I don't know what happened all that time, at first it really was out of necessity so we both (well her that is) could sleep, with me being the doormat I willingly took the spare bed.

She never once in almost two years came and snuggled up with me, I didn't realize until after it all fell apart how long it was and how it eventually killed the connection we had. There were a couple times I would go to her (our) bed but she would get anxious and the moment I dozed off I lost the mental concentration necessary to keep my throat muscles relaxed enough to breathe quietly, so she would elbow me and tell me to leave.

If you want to really do something that will have such a huge impact on your relationship right now this very night, go to his bed and snuggle up with him, or even just lie beside him, wear ear plugs if you have to, or at the very least let him have the master bed. A man who doesn't sleep in his own bed has failed already and has accepted it is out of his hands, is broken. If you are not going to give him approval as your H then please, please divorce him so neither of you waste precious life and he can have his own bed atleast.

Quote:
You cannot change someone no matter how hard you try. My husband is not going to suddenly stop being depressed, stop drinking, and start liking to cuddle. I am very affectionate and have not been touched in ages. Thank God I have my dog Lou who can take all my affection.
You can't change a person but you can change your own life and your own situation. Right now you have higher regards for you dog than your H, no wonder he doesn't want to cuddle with you he doesn't feel worthy enough.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you for offering your heartfelt response. I do make time to lay in his bed as often as I can and watch TV just so we can be together. I fear having separate beds has hurt our intimate relationship.

The thing that bothers me is he will never come to my bed and cuddle. I have the good computer and have dozens of movies on it we could watch. He says it's because of the dog hair since I share my bed with a black lab. But I make sure I change the sheets and there is not hair.

Another problem is that he goes to bed stinking drunk every night and I cannot be in the same room with him. His personality changes so much. NO, he is not abusive, he is not mean, he is DIFFERENT. I want to lay in bed with my husband, not some person he morphs into. I call his alter ego Richard (****).

They say marriage is hard, and they are not kidding!!!!
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:17 AM   #13 (permalink)
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EG, I still think the way you are treating your dog compared to your H is not healthy for the marriage at all (but that's my opinion only, and obviously your Lab is the loyal companion you need). While I'm trying to offer some suggestions that seem one-sided or unfair, I am certainly not trying to suggest you are to blame for state of disrepair and definitely not his depression or alcoholism. (I admire and am amazed at my mom's tolerance of my dad's alcoholism, she has spent decades sharing his bed while he is stinking drunk in it too, but I think it has damaged her in a lot of ways)

Sometimes marriage means giving and not taking for awhile, but only if that means working toward a common goal. If it isn't working like this and he is not willing to address his problems, seek counseling for his addictions and medical treatment for his depression it is not fair to ask you to put up with him like this the rest of your life. He is not able to meet your needs and many of those needs cannot be met in other ways, so if he is not willing to try to fix things or uphold his end of the commitment I advise to cut your losses, seek a divorce and start living the kind of life you need and want.
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Old 02-27-2012, 01:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh man I know how you feel. I am a complete nut with a very strange sense of humor. My humor is sometimes dark, and not many people get me. I find I cannot be around those who do not laugh a lot and especially those who get offended easily. I lost my best friend because she married an angry man who got offended over anything anyone said, he would even write his familly off for YEARS and not speak to them over little verbal disagreements. I ducked out on my best friend before I did something to offend her husband and have her disown me because he said to. She has had to disown her own sisiters and brothers because Bob got offended about a view they had in politics or how they lived their lives.

Not being able to express yourself to your spouse is completely horrible. That is suppoed to be the one person in the world you can share anything with. Everything you hold in will fester as I'm sure already know. It sounds like you know who you are and you are completely in touch with your feelings. That is good but also bad because you are super aware, therefore, everything he does or does not is going to get to you and you are going to add it to the other festering opinions already in your head.

If I couldn't act silly I would go insane. Would he be okay with you going out with your friends without him? The fantasizing you do I do all the time as well. The "what ifs?" drive me crazy. It isn't easy to say I AM DONE and just leave. You know in your heart that this is who he is. It doesn't sound like he will be likely to change. You don't want your marriage to turn into some mess where he is more like a father figure than a partner. Like if you laugh in public and he give you THE LOOK or says HUSH, YOU ARE BEING TOO LOUD.

You have come to the right place. I find I get to vent and get some feelings out in some small way. It makes me feel better. In the end you are going to do what you are going to do. You sound very strong and will be able to handle whatever life throws at you.
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:06 AM   #15 (permalink)
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hello, well I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I too began to fantacise about other men. Even though we have a good relationship, good sex and are good friends, I still feel ailienated and alone in this marriage. My husband has children from a previous marriage, but I have none. The stresses of our lives have driven a wedge into our love and I wonder if we have actually fallen "out" of love somewhat. My fantacies are an escape from the continuing stresses of our life. One of my husbands children is mentally ill (a young adult now). Something that came along after we married. Is this normal to fantacise about others? Is it normal to want to find a form of escapism? Makes me understand why people are unfaithful. You can have everything in a marriage, but if you feel lonely and not very interested in intimacy, then is the passion over between us? I thought I was just older and not very sexual, but then I started sexting and have conversations with just one person and they make me feel wonderful. I have found that my sexuality is alive and well after all. It's only a form of escapism I know, but is it dangerous to the marriage? The fantacies were already there for a few years now.
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