Apologies if you've heard this all before, but this is new to me. Fries my brain and scares me ****less!
I have been in my first long term relationship for over 6 years now, he was my "first" sexual partner as well as my first long term relationship. He is 5 years older; i am now 25 and he is 30. We moved in together pretty much straight away and got married 2 years ago after i finished university.
The problem? Well, a few things that have been eating away at me for too long. Admittedly, this feeling comes and goes, but i've been feeling this all too frequently.
1) I now find him increasingly boring. He isn't very playful, he doesn't understand why i enjoy being carefree and enjoy life alongside humour. If i don't make light of something during the day, he would rarely try to make either of us laugh. UNLESS he gets the giggles from getting high, which i feel i now really encourage as it seems to be the only way i really have a laugh with him.
Anyway, for this reason, i have stopped taking him out with friends. as he'd sit there not really understanding a joke or turning the conversation serious and unpalatable. I've lost my old bestest friends (also because they were male and caused Huband to feel insecure) now, atleast i have a couple girls that i meet/go out with outside of work. I have even "dropped" out of my group of friends as it was becoming awkward for everyone, conflicts would rise and i couldn't keep coming up with excuses as to why i or we couldn't go out.
2) Our communication skills. I find myself keeping what i think or how i feel inside, TOO OFTEN! We are both quite sensitive people, but anything that is shared is not understood or accepted. I try to be as clear and as careful in what i say - to not offend or upset - but however i express it, we end up shouting at each other, because he doesn't like or accept how i might feel, and i dislike his reaction (+lack of understanding/acceptance) to what i have said. we end up crying, throwing abuse and not talking to each other all day and night and then through my exhaustion i apologise to him for feeling such and such a way - and for him to forgive me and be alright with me!
I find it SO difficult to not be able to freely express what i want to my partner. I feel isolated, resentful and want to escape to a place where someone will listen and accept my feelings.
3) He doesn't have any active hobbies. Except what he does for work. He is indeed very lucky to enjoy his job and i am super happy for that. But he doesn't do ANYTHING else. He'll talk about wanting to do this or that, and he has done since i met him. But nothing! No avid interest in sport, no games, no books, no art, no music, no gardening, no nothing! I've booked classes for him, and even asked to do things together, but there is always an excuse. He has a couple of good friends that he sees 1-3 times a week for a couple of hours a time.
He does have interests in politics and the world, even travel and smoking, but there is only so much we can discuss???!!
4) Lately, i have been fantasising too much. Sexual, playful, and even social!! And he isn't in any of it. If i'm attracted to someone in the street and we make eye contact, i can quickly dream of whatever i would do to him or him to me. I even picture myself with a "partner" with my group of friends. I dream about a "partner" tickling, playing, joking with me. And afterwards, i feel pathetic!
The things is, he really is a kind, smart and good man. And we definitely do have lot of interesting worldly conversations.
He has helped me lift out of depression and been there for me through previous abuse, and i'm so grateful for that, he helped me when i felt i couldn't be helped.
Also, i am his only family now.
And i do genuinly love and care for him. I suppose i married him because a) i was young, it was quite random, i enjoyed the spontaneity of it. b) i couldn't imagine him not being in my life. I'd hate to hurt him. and c) i didn't really believe in marriage at the time, so went with it as, to me, it was a party for a piece of paper for him and my family.
I'm just scared of wasting away my life not being completely satisfied. But then i'm scared to hurt all the people that are involved (my family is huge and everyone loves him).
And that the happiness i am searching for, doesn't exist or isn't going to happen for me.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared, bored, lonely and tired of this relationship.
Is this normal in marriage? Does anyone else feel similar? What can i do to better things? Am i being silly?