General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi Guys- smoe of you might remember my previous post - well I amplease to announce that the matter has been resolved, thanks to all the great adevice I received! I'm already a more confident person - still working on improving my self-esteem every day!
Well my wedding is in 21 days, and I would just like some advice from all you married guys out there,for my new marriage-to-come!
How do you have a successfull marriage and grow old together??How do you keep the passion alive? How do you have a happy marriage? What advice & does and don'ts can you guy offer me???
What works for us is we let each other know how much one appreciates the other. We do this often, we also say thank you for the small things, like grocery shopping or cooking a meal. Communication is extremely important! My husband and I talk everything out and we are very good at compromising, even if it takes a day or two to think about it. We've only gotten into one little argument in the last 13 years of being together, which wasn't too long ago. I was in the hospital for 5 nights due to a stupid kidney infection. It took a toll on my hubby and the stress level was high. He had to take care of the kids, see me and missed some work. I can fully understand what he went through.
We as a couple, have zero expectations of each other. By doing this, there never is any resentment held within us. We are the best of friends. My and I talk everyday through out the day, even when he's at work. We tell each other everything and hold back nothing. We shower each other with affection. During those early years of child raising was a little more difficult. We had less time for affection, but that came back once the girls were a little older and started school. We tell each other everyday we love one another whether it's verbal or written. We cuddle at night holding hands, talking, watching tv or just resting.
We respect each other, we both understand what our specific needs are, through communication, We compromise, we show effection and passion. We have a lot of fun and laugh with each other.
I'm very lucky and married a really nice guy. He helps me out more then most men would, especially after my neck injury. My husband puts a lot of effort into our marriage and always put my needs before his. He's always making sure that I'm doing/feeling okay everyday. We are extremely compatible and have been since day one. Not too many couples get along as well as my husband and I. My husband is a very patient man. I appreciate everything he does for me. We've been married 12 wonderful years, together for 13. Posted via Mobile Device
I would like to preface this with the fact that the notions below are generalizations and may not apply to you. Please take from it what you need.
Also I would like to congratulate you for seeking advice. Most people come in when they are facing serious problems, so many of those problems would have been avoided if partners took the time to train themselves on the basic skills of sustaining a balanced long term relationship and handling common challenges.
The general advice I would suggest consists of 2 steps:
- get informed on relationships, they usually do not work based solely on instinct. There are many differences in male female behavior and instances where instinctive behavior leads to conflict. It is critical that you understand these concepts
- practice what you learn diligently till it becomes habitual. Just understanding is not enough you need to develop the habits of sustaining long term balance. Similarly to going to the gym.
More specifically here are a few pointers to help you get started:
- Be comfortable in your own skin. We all work with the physical appearance that we have and given that a woman who has the wisdom to appreciate and be comfortable with her body is highly attractive and highly sought after.
- Be wise with dealing with men and practiced in handling the common challenges when communicating and relating to men.
In the context of a long term relationship there are 4 areas you need to cover.
Motherly
A woman needs to be like a mother in a relationship. A good mother takes care of her children, she is patient loving and forgiving. If a father is the pillar the mother is the foundation and together they stand up.
Partner
Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.
Supportive
Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6.
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him.
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior.
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks
Eager and diverse lover
You are eager to make love to him often and to please him in bed searching for different ways to do so. You like diversity and like to experience the full spectrum of intimacy with him.
Find out what is important to your husband and give it to him as much as possible. Men typically want respect and sexual fulfillment.
You have to Give to a very high level in your marriage, but you also have to Take (i.e. not feel guilty about expecting your needs to get met by your husband).
What you need and what your husband needs are two very different things. You have to make sure you give him what he needs, and that you communicate what you need so that he give it to you.
Shoot Cinderella in the head. Her and Prince whatever-his-name are lies.
Marriage is a job. Very rewarding if done right and worked at relentlessly.
Sometimes it's all Tulips and Daffodils while skipping through a field like a Summer's Eve commercial. Sometimes it's a gritty war movie where the two of you are slogging through a muddy trench.
When you take your vows, mean it. Become a team. Him and you against the world. Have each others backs when times are tough. Compliment each other in words and actions.
Sit and talk. Sit and listen. When you find yourself watching a re-run of Beavis and Butthead for the third time and you are about to say how boooooored you are, kill the TV and split a bottle of wine.
Get a music service (Pandora, Sirius, Sony, whatever) hooked into a decent sound system of some kind. Turn on music instead of TV. Let the music station pick the songs. TV does the talking and thinking for you, music lets you talk to each other.
Sex is fun. Really fun. Really,really fun. Look at "married" as universal permission to try anything you want with each other. Make it fun, keep it fun.
Take time for yourself.
Let him have time by himself.
Take new adventures together.
Function as a couple, with other couples.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
Last edited by Mistys dad; 02-17-2012 at 11:23 AM.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
Know that most marriages go through rough spots. I don't think there is anyway to avoid them. Ironically it's how you handle the tough moments that define your relationship not the fun ones.
Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.
Those are some foundational things I will teach all of my children -in preparation -BEFORE they walk down that aisle......
Quote:
Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making da** sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
1.Don't have sex too soon, it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST. TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON, do things together, go places, make sure you genuinelly LIKE them, RESPECT them , and they should be on par as a BEST FRIEND before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of course. A little romance is good !
2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE , your hopes, your dreams. Have a vision, Be sure your this BF or GF can fit into this, wants the same things, will be a "helpmate" in these same dreams. Are you both old fashioned in our views, traditional marraige type thing or agree both parents need to work...and housework will he shared for a healthy running of the family/home.
3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS and morals, so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irratating them to anger over doctrine, etc.
4.COMMUNICATION - -know how to resolve conflict !! When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" sometimes I ask , did you have your 1st fight yet ? UNtil you have a few of those, you simply do not know each other well. I like what this article says about Conflict #5 ... Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE
Every marraige will struggle if communication is not used effectively. If one is a Silent Treatment player, this has to be nipped in the butt. Be a listener as well as an effective communicator of your needs. Be open, honest in all things, undertanding & forgiving when it is called for .
5. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ? This is the #2 reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change, the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying, a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little , put his feet down some & still get his bills paid.
6.SEX ! Compatability is very important here - especially IF YOU LOVE SEX ! Many women's drives can take a dive after marraige & kids, knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful , if she can orgasm, does she feel passionate desire ? A ton of talking needs to be done here --what one expects in marraige & what is agreed upon -how to handle the dry spells ect. Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed- so no surprises later & hurt feelings. And always keep the sex Spicey, buy a game, get a book, keep learning. It may be less than 10% of the marraige, but when it is lacking, it may feel like 90% of the problems.
7. Kids.. talk about how many, when to start a family, HOW to discipline . Mom & Dad need to be on the same page, kids will seek to divide & conquer. Important!
8. Sexual attraction, never underestimate it, a plan to keep the pounds off -if this is important to one partner, it is for BOTH.
9. Do you genuinely ENJOY each other, crave to be with the other, laugh together ALOT, love getting away alone. Are you both Home buddies or both more the party type? Being similar can be very helpful here.
10. LOVE LANGUAGES - since we are ALL sefish, we should try to marry someone who closely matches our same love languages in a similar order. As we generally GIVE what we want to RECIEVE -unless we are just plain lazy. Book & tests in link:
11. Know yours & your partners Inborn Temperments so you can understand them , how they think, why they react the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses.
Shoot Cinderella in the head. Her and Prince whatever-his-name are lies.
Marriage is a job. Very rewarding if done right and worked at relentlessly.
Sometimes it's all Tulips and Daffodils while skipping through a field like a Summer's Eve commercial. Sometimes it's a gritty war movie where the two of you are slogging through a muddy trench.
When you take your vows, mean it. Become a team. Him and you against the world. Have each others backs when times are tough. Compliment each other in words and actions.
Sit and talk. Sit and listen. When you find yourself watching a re-run of Beavis and Butthead for the third time and you are about to say how boooooored you are, kill the TV and split a bottle of wine.
Get a music service (Pandora, Sirius, Sony, whatever) hooked into a decent sound system of some kind. Turn on music instead of TV. Let the music station pick the songs. TV does the talking and thinking for you, music lets you talk to each other.
Sex is fun. Really fun. Really,really fun. Look at "married" as universal permission to try anything you want with each other. Make it fun, keep it fun.
Take time for yourself.
Let him have time by himself.
Take new adventures together.
Function as a couple, with other couples.
oh I LOVE this post
The music suggestion was unexpected and I completely agree!!
Congrats My wife and I have been married 12 yrs I love her more today than I ever have their are
Some great post and advice already given I would like to add the practice of
Joint agreement by both parties inregards to making decisions. Also be Honest and truthful to each other
Live within your means Love one another.Good Luck Posted via Mobile Device
Hi Guys- smoe of you might remember my previous post - well I amplease to announce that the matter has been resolved, thanks to all the great adevice I received! I'm already a more confident person - still working on improving my self-esteem every day!
Well my wedding is in 21 days, and I would just like some advice from all you married guys out there,for my new marriage-to-come!
How do you have a successfull marriage and grow old together??How do you keep the passion alive? How do you have a happy marriage? What advice & does and don'ts can you guy offer me???
Thank you ....xxxx
Before you marry do His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary setting.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Explain to your husband you re expecting a few weddings each month from the wedding and on for example of talking to him daily life and is important to not only end the conversation but you render yourself beyond yourself is like a wedding
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Advice for new marriage 
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