General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi all. I've been having issues with my husband (who I married only a few months ago). I am concerned that he lacks common sense. I'm trying not to be condescending towards him by saying much about it, but it really bugs me and I'm having a hard time keeping my frustration contained.
For example, we are buying gifts for his family (and him), and he really wanted this red cell phone, as he is enamored with the color red. Everything has to be red. I am the one who is searching online for all the key features and specifications of the phone, reading through customer reviews to look for potential problems, etc. He wants to pay way more for a substandard phone with higher cost, less features, which is more unreliable... simply for the fact the phone is red and has a nice display. I found a much better phone for him, but he didn't want that one as it was black. I feel like shouting at him: "Are you NUTS?? Where's your judgment?" Obviously I don't shout at him, but I'm sure he can sense my irritation. I can't believe he values form over function. He thinks I am controlling; I think he is immature.
When we were dating, he had previously told me that he wanted a partner who was very kind and caring, and he didn't care about her looks as much (as long as she was reasonably attractive). Seeing the irony of this, I brought it up with him yesterday, asking him why he values a woman's character over her looks, but values a phone's appearance over it's utility. He didn't make the connection of what I was saying, and thus had nothing to say in response.
I am the more intellectual type and my husband is not. He is well educated, as am I. I'm a med student, and he has completed master's level degrees... and he was even one of the best students in his class. He can memorize info and has a great ability to retain it (much better than I can), but he's not a free thinker at all. If you want to try to engage him in an intellectual conversation, he never really has much to say. We do chit-chat quite a bit and can talk for a few hours at a time, but the intellectual nature of the conversation is pretty low. He also cannot manage himself well, as he needs constant reminders to get anything done (I am the one with ADD, yet I have to manage things for him). I have to remind him to take a shower, shave his face, run errands, etc. I feel like he is a small boy needing his mommy rather than a grown up.
Yes, I knew that he didn't seem very sharp before I married him. I chose to marry him because he seemed very nurturing and gentle... which I didn't get from past dating relationships (from guys who were all reasonably smart enough, but were more tempermental, judgmental, and critical of me). My husband's sweetness won me over, and although I went back and forth racking my head over whether to marry him or not (because of this), I decided to go forwards. A nurturing partner is still #1 on my list, but intelligence is a very close #2. I didn't realize how deeply frustrating it is to be married to someone who seems to lack common reasoning and self-awareness. I also am dismayed by his lack of ambition, and am afraid that I will be the one having to be the breadwinner (after he moves in with me, as we are currently long distance). Since I've known him, he's left 2 solid jobs (that he got because of being top of his class)... the first job he left due to wanting to spend time with me, and the second job he left to caretake for his mother (who is very ill). Initially I thought it was a good thing that he cares for people more than career which showed his nurturing nature, but now I am questioning whether it is not a really a sign of inability to hold down a job.
I am stuck, because I am happier being with him than being alone. Yet I'm so severely dissatisfied with his lack of intellectualism and lack of introspection. He can be emotionally manipulative (begging and guilt-tripping me to do what he wants me to do), which drives me crazy. But he doesn't beat me, doesn't shout or name call me, doesn't cheat on me... so I don't know if I have good enough reason to leave. I just don't know what to do. I'm 30 and he's 27 - so I don't know if this is something he'll grow out of or not.
Three years' isn't that much of an age difference at this point. Sounds like you've already lost respect for his mental abilities (if you ever had much respect for him at all). Do not sweep this under the rug and hope it gets better. Some people go through their whole lives without common sense. I'm like you; I tend to research things based on stats, cost, reliability, etc. But lots of people just sail through life buying things because of more cosmetic issues. And they may never change.
I recommend talking to a marriage counselor about this. If you're already annoyed by his way of (not) thinking now, how bad will it be when you're done with med school and the two of you are trying to figure out what part of the country to move to so you can start your practice? Will he want to move to Cincinnati just because their team is the REDS?
This will not improve unless you address it and try to move beyond it. Talk to someone who can help you work through your feelings now!
Thanks for your input, HurtnOhio! I do value it. I do need to talk more to someone about this. I don't want to leave this marriage, but I don't know how long I can live like this either.
Actually, he has already told me that he wants to live in New York City, because he thinks it's a cool, high status place to be, with big tall buildings which he has seen in the movies (as he comes from India). He'd be more excited to tell his friends back home in India that he's living in NYC to impress them. I'm like "Ummm... have you thought of the cost of living there? We'll have to live like paupers there, while we could have a good quality of life here (where I currently live)."
he is enamored with the color red. Everything has to be red.
I have to remind him to take a shower, shave his face, run errands, etc. I feel like he is a small boy needing his mommy rather than a grown up.
Yes, I knew that he didn't seem very sharp before I married him.
He can be emotionally manipulative (begging and guilt-tripping me to do what he wants me to do), which drives me crazy.
he's 27 - so I don't know if this is something he'll grow out of or not.
Something is not right with this guy. High functioning autistic maybe? Aspergers? Something is off.
I quoted key things that stood out to me. Being enamored with a color makes me think autistic as well as everything else on your list. He may be highly intelligent but lacks life skills. It's fixable if he wants to seek counseling for it or to start have him evaluated.
Judging solely on how you come off in writing, I feel sorry for your husband. I see nothing but contempt on your part. He has master's level degrees? You don't buy those at walmsart lady. There may also be a cultural divides between the two of you.
Try backing off. You do describe yourself as controlling, which can only cause him to rebel. Posted via Mobile Device
Can I be brutally honest? You do sound controlling. You also sound anal retentive and smug.
Why can't he buy a phone because he likes the colour? Some people value form over function - like Picasso - that doesn't mean they are inferior.
Your making lists of characteristics that you 'value' also sounds cold and calculating. I think you should marry for love, not because someone possesses a list of characteristics that fit with your ideal.
If I was your husband's friend I would tell him to run a mile.
Life's way to short to get angry over small issues. You married him knowing his quirks and his full potential/abilities. I honestly see noting with buying a "red" phone if it is what he likes. Perhaps he's not interested with the additional options.
You are going to live miserably if you continue on like this. Maybe you could lighten up a little on him and focus on yourself. You are already holding a lot of resentment early on in your marriage. Both my husband and I have no expectations of each other. We have had a wonderful marriage so far these last 12 years.
I think maybe you made the wrong choice in whom to marry. Either you need to change your view on him or divorce him. Also unexpected life changing events happen in life. I broke my neck 3.5 years ago and I'm now disabled and homebound due to the pain. My husband has been nothing, but loving and supportave towards me. It's okay to get divorced if your not happy or compatible. Both my husband and I made a mistake and married the wrong person before we met each other. Now we've lived the best 12 years of our lives. Good luck! Posted via Mobile Device
When we were dating, he had previously told me that he wanted a partner who was very kind and caring, and he didn't care about her looks as much (as long as she was reasonably attractive). Seeing the irony of this, I brought it up with him yesterday, asking him why he values a woman's character over her looks, but values a phone's appearance over it's utility. He didn't make the connection of what I was saying, and thus had nothing to say in response.
He's not being inconsistent at all. He makes decisions based more on emotion than logic, so he wants a phone that makes him feel good and a wife that makes him feel good. Ironically, he may end up with neither.
Since his decisions are more emotionally-based he has difficulty quantifying his reasons; he just wants what he wants. Yes, this makes him susceptible to being swayed by advertizing and peer pressure. Yes, this means his decisions are subject to changeability or stubborn insistence, depending on how he feels. But you can't force him to change, because it will change his basic personality--the core of who he is.
Men should be like some electronic products and come with a big sticker over their personalities that says, WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE CONTENTS WILL VOID WARRANTY. If you insist on trying to fix and correct him it will just frustrate you both. It doesn't matter that you are more cerebrally-inclined than your husband. He has his own strengths, which are different to yours. If you want your marriage to work, encourage him for who he is and the decisions he makes. Stop trying to align him to your own values.
What you can do is to learn how to more effectively communicate with him in a way that he will respond to. You obviously respond well to logic and research; he responds best to emotions. You need to speak to his feelings, rather than appeal to his intellect, when you discuss subjects where you disagree. Although THIS BOOK is just light reading, I very strongly recommend it as a source of great help in understanding how to happily live with your husband.
I agree with the above posters... most of them. I don't see that he needs help. He may be more caring and emotionally geared than you can live with. You chose the best part of him to marry, not thinking that it's not really how you want to live.
So ya, maybe you married the wrong guy. He shouldn't have to change, but you two SHOULD be able to discuss this. And I think its not about "cerebral"... but more about practical vs emotional. Neither is bad, and I think both often have a hard time understanding each other!
On the other hand...look at it this way. What if he isn't into earning a big living? What if he wants to join the Peace Corp or something.... giving himself and "earning to live" rather than "living to earn"??? Question is.... would it be a deal breaker for you???
Can I be brutally honest? You do sound controlling. You also sound anal retentive and smug.
There is nothing at all wrong with your husband. Nothing that you described paint him as being in the wrong and you being in the right. Actually reading just your side of things, you do not come off very well. There are many other woman out there that would be happy to be married to your husband. Apparently, you are not one of those women.
Wow, you guys have given me some excellent insight. I really do like the counter perspective, as I hadn't thought of many of your points before. I will respond to a few comments in particular.
Mavash - I hadn't really considered Autism/Aspergers. But it's very possible. Previously I wondered if he had some long-term effects from a motorcyle accident 3 years ago (before I met him). However, later I met his brother who is even more inclined to rash judgment than my husband, so I realized it had nothing to do with the accident, but is just about how his family is. I haven't read enough about Aspergers, but will find out more to see if this might be what is going on with him.
MSP - Your post resonated with me strongly. You are absolutely correct that he is more emotionally based. It's very different for me, as in past dating relationships I used to be the more emotional one with the guy being the more logical one. With my husband, the positions are switched and I'm not used to that. (I can be emotional as well, but he is more than I am.) It's new and unusual for me, and thus I probably haven't given his emotional side the respect it deserves. Not because I am mean-spirited or evil or anything, but simply because in the past, I used to put aside my own emotions to appeal to the logical side of the guys I dated. So I probably came to view that as being superior. But what your post makes me consider is that the emotional way of being is just as valid. Thank you.
SunnyT - I'm okay if he doesn't make a ton of money, as long as he makes a reasonable living. I used to imagine myself working part-time someday, and having a husband who is fairly ambitious. But with my husband, I think he would be far better as a stay-at-home dad. My husband used to study law and accounting in India, which really surprised me as I thought one needed to be analytical to be a law student, but he isn't. However, we both might be able to have a life that suits us - maybe I could still work part-time someday, and maybe he could be that stay-at-home dad (if he can manage to find some sort of accounting or business job that allows him to work from home). There might be a way. As far as your comment about 'earning to live', I actually encourage him to find a job that he would love to do. When I ask him what he wants to do with his life, he doesn't really know (as where he is from, people don't really have that many options to sit and think what they want out of their lives). He says he might like to be a judge. When I ask him why, he says because where he comes from, judges are highly respected. I tell him to find out what he is passionate about and do that instead, rather than worrying about status or what everyone else thinks of him.
I do admit him being from India could be a factor. That does change things.
We are of the same ethnicity (though I'm an American). I have previously dated guys from India and never had this sort of issue with them. Though I admit the previous Indian guys I dated grew up in larger more cosmopolitan cities and had more international exposure, as they were living in the US when I got to know them. My husband grew up in India in a small, rather orthodox city, and never has been out of his country (I am the one who spent time with him there). He has also never left his family, as that is common culture there. It's possible it may be a bit cultural, as I have some cousins in India (who have never left the country) and they can be a bit like my husband at times. Conversely my Indian friends living here in the US tend to be extremely bright and analytical types. So I don't know if he might change a bit once he's exposed to a cultural melting pot as we have here. I am not saying he has to change, but I wonder if he will naturally after he comes here.
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husband lacks common sense? 
