General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
OK, so the standard advice for any relationship is to meet half way, or that it takes two to create a problem. With that logic, in the situation I'm about to describe to you, I must have done something wrong, and I honestly don't see it. I need help to see it and advice on what to do about it all.
My wife and I have been married for 3+ years. Before we started dating she had two dogs. A black lab and a Miniature Pinscher. The Min Pin is an aggressive dog. It took three months of dating and spending nearly every weekend with her for him to stop barking at me every time I moved. He has bit me, my father, and my brother in law. They weren't very bad bites, in many cases he got more clothes than skin.
When we were expecting our first child I became very nervous about the dog. I did some research online and found out that Min Pins are one of the worst breeds to have around kids. Some advised to get rid of the dog, some advised to be careful, and never let them interact without direct supervision. I'd say that we decided to keep the dog and be careful, but there wasn't really any decision. However, I said (I honestly don't remember if I ever said it to her, that would help right now.) that the dog gets one chance. If he bites our son, even a little just once, he's gone.
My wife does not believe the dog is dangerous. When our son was born, she would frequently leave him in the same room as the dog or maybe it was that she wasn't immediately next to the child when the dog was around. I don't remember exactly, but it made me nervous. Then of course, I got used to it, and eventually started doing it myself.
Bear in mind, we are now expecting our second child which has ramifications to the story on multiple levels. Last Sunday I was at a Superbowl party and she was home with our son. She called me around halftime and said that the dog had bitten our son. It was not unprovoked he was hitting the dog, but that doesn't change the danger involved.
When I got home they were both asleep. The next morning my wife said she was wondering if the dog needed to be put to sleep. I said I didn't think that was necessary, but that we should probably start looking for somewhere else for him to go, if for no other reason than if it happens again, he will be put to sleep. She said she would talk to a friend of hers to see if her mom might be interested in taking him (the dog).
When I asked her the next morning if she had contacted her friend, she got upset, burst into tears and said that she couldn't deal with this while she was pregnant, but that I could. I didn't really know if she meant she wanted to wait until the baby was born before we did anything, or if she meant that she was just not in any condition to take care of it.
Either way, I figured something had to be done sooner than later. I had been looking all over the net for options and advice and in the mean time saw lots of horror stories and pictures of what can happen. I didn't think waiting until there were two children were in danger was an option.
Then I got an email from her (I was home sick - whooping cough) while she was at work saying that I could go ahead and look into the Craigslist lady but that she was very hurt. She felt like I was not taking her feelings into consideration. And, oh by the way, if anything happens to the baby she's carrying due to her stress level, it would be on my shoulders.
There's a lot more history here, but this is already getting to be quite the novel. I had two reactions to her comments. Of course I wasn't taking her feelings into consideration, it wasn't about her. How egocentric could she be? I was concerned about our son, our expected daughter, and even the dog. My second thought was, how ruthlessly mean do you have to be to tell me that I now had to choose between the health and safety of my son or my daughter.
I did not respond to her email, rather I wrote a letter that I was going to give her when she got home. Meanwhile I spent all day researching options and dog bites and concluded that we can and should keep the dog, I will train him, several of our rules with him needed to change, and he is never to be in the same room with our son without an adult being actively involved with them and a muzzle on, at least until I could talk to a professional (trainer).
When she got home the dogs were downstairs with a gate up and she got furious and went and let them out. Told me it was impossible to keep them separated. We had quite a fight, I told her by reactions to her comments. My words weren't quite so harsh, but my tone was extremely harsh.
She didn't talk to me the rest of the night, and when she called on her way home from work the next day (today) told me that our marriage may be over because of what I said, and told me to take my things from our room down to the basement.
I know you don't have the whole story, but from what I've said, what did I do wrong? What can I do now?
To me, it sounds like you are doing the right things; researching all your options, not jumping right in to one of them without weighing the consequences.
I think your wife is feeling extra-emotional because she's pregnant, and the fact that she is facing losing a dear family member, her dog. Remember, she had this dog before she met you, so even though I think she clearly knows the dangers keeping the dog around your kids presents, she is still reluctant to let him go.
Let her calm down a bit and then when she is in a good frame of mind, sit down and talk through with her all the different scenarios. It doesn't sound like you want to get rid of the dog - you said you were willing to work with it to train it better so you could keep it. I think it's the hormones talking here, which is why she lashed out when she was so upset. Keep on talking to her, I think you guys can reach a decision together.
Given the details you have laid out, you have done nothing wrong. The catalyst is the pregnancy. Tell her you will move to the basement, if she will see her physician about anxiety/depression.
I have a friend that was in similar circumstances. He bent over backwards to tolerate his wifes increasingly bizarre behavior when she was pregnant. It got to the point where he was away on business and she would call, screaming, and blaming him for things that occured as a result of his absence - and demanding he come home. His demand was that she get help - or he wouldn't be coming home. A prescription for Paxil headed off calamity. Behavior resolved itself within weeks.
I hear two things going on here. One is the dog. it sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing with the dog, and your wife is showing a lack of judgement in this case. you are right as far as this is concerned. the dog needs to be contained. stick by your guns here.
Your wife, on the other hand, is also right. She is not talking about the issue with what should happen with the dog. she is talking about how she feels. she's feeling something much deeper then this issue with the dog. you can tell her she is wrong, in this area, until you are blue in the face. it will cause nothing but resentment and contention. Or, you can respect that this is a separate issue from the dog. Do you care how your wife feels? Or do you care that you are right and she is wrong?
I would have to agree with you on this one! When we had adopted our baby we had a Blue Healer. Needless to say we had to get rid of him because we were worried something would happen. That dam dog was all over the place! But it worked out ok because we got a new dog two years ago. My daughter is now 9.
you are definitely doing the tight thing. when i was pregnant, my cat got sick. although she was old, she was curable. but that would have cost thousands of $$$. it was either cure the cat or pay for our child. it was no decision and yet the hardest decision of my life so far coz i've had the cat since i was a child and i was very pregnant and hormonal. the cat did get put to sleep. when our daughter was starting to crawl and walk we had to get rid of our dog also. she wasn't dangerous, but very jealous. she would mess everywhere and there was no way i could retrain the dog and take care of a baby.
yes your wife is upset, but somehoe she needs to realize that yes, it's not about her. it's about your kids
She has been diagnosed with depression and ADHD and is usually on meds for them. However, the most effective of those meds can not be taken while she's pregnant.
Part of this could be the pregnancy, and lack of meds. But I know this would not be a non-issue if those things were different. In fact, I believe that she could react in exactly the same way. I don't know that she would, but I think that she's capable of it.
We just had a sit down talk. I tried to lay out my position and what I think are the options, and come up with a compromise. She would not listen. She does not think the dog is dangerous. As a teacher, I have seen parents that, despite mountains of irrefutable evidence, cannot see that their child has done anything wrong and will fight anyone who says otherwise. (Which doesn't mean the teacher/administrator is never wrong, just that sometimes it's just so blatantly obvious but the parent is not capable of seeing it.) I think this is very clearly the case with my wife and this dog. She actually said that she will never agree with me (that the dog is dangerous).
She doesn't think she can handle getting rid of the dog while she's pregnant, and she's hurt that I won't give her that. She thinks it means that I don't care about her. I told her I could accept waiting if the dog was either in another room, one of us was there actively engaged with them, or the dog had a muzzle on. She doesn't think this is realistic. She thinks I am putting obstacles out there that are so impossible that the only choice is to get rid of the dog. I've read MANY forums the past week. I've seen people saying three things... put the dog down, re-home the dog, or train the dog and the child, but the dog goes outside. This dog won't even pee outside if it's below freezing, and we live in MN. (He has a litter box in the house.) I've also read posts and articles by professionals (dog trainer, pediatricians, early childhood experts...) that recommend these kinds of precautions for ANY dog, even one with the best temperments, let alone a dog with a history of biting and aggression.
I don't think I'm left with any options but to get rid of the dog, but I'm very worried about what it will do to my relationship with my wife, her family (she tells them everything, and I can only assume that they agree with her that I'm being an absolute a..hole) and more importantly, the health of our unborn child.
To the person that asked if I was more worried about being right or wrong, or if I was more worried about how my wife feels... you're absolutely right. She has accused me of being narcissistic and the more I learn about narcissism, I realize I do have some narcissistic qualities, actually we all do, it's a matter of degree, but nevertheless I have tried to be hyper-aware of anything that might indicate that I'm being narcissistic. One quality of a narcissist is one who thinks that they're always right, because they are. I don't want to be that person here. As I said, my wife tells her family (mostly her sisters) everything. All of her problems, all of the things that I do wrong, etc... So she's obviously told them about this. Based on her actions, and some things that she's said, they are obviously supporting her here. This concerns me on two practical levels beyond my own ego. First, if they agree with her, and think I'm being an a..hole, maybe I am. Maybe I'm the one who is being too emotional and not seeing the situation for what it is. If that's the case, no matter how much it hurts, I need to see it, so I can fix it. My second concern is, as I alluded to earlier, I worry about my relationship with her family. We've had issues in the past where she (and her sisters) basically think I'm being an a..hole, and isn't she just an angel because she doesn't leave me? The immediate situation gets resolved and when I see them later, I am very uncomfortable. Maybe it's my problem that I need to get over, but it is a problem.
So, while I know I worry about who's right, and who's wrong more than I should, in this case there seem to me to be reasons. Then again, maybe I'm just rationalizing an irrational behavior, when I should really just be concerned about my wife. Then again, I also need to be concerned about my children. Then again...
If I concentrate on her perspective, it is obvious that she feels as though I am doing this for me, and that I'm doing it TO her. If there was a way to make her see my perspective she might not feel as bad (she'd still not want to get rid of the dog, but might not take it so personally). But I don't know how to make her see that.
Wow, another novel. Would you believe that I actually get criticized by my professors for being too succinct?
How about one of her sisters taking the dog? They know so much about your business, which in my opinion is not right, they should step up to the plate and take the dog!! The dog has become a family member but the children have to come first, safety first right? I feel for you. Tom
I fully 100% agree with you that the dog needs to go or at the very least the steps you mentioned need to be taken... However, please try to put yourself in her shoes- she probably knows you are right, however she is off her medication (I know what it's like to have a spouse off medication... not pretty), and she is pregnant which as you probably figured out can make women totally, completely irrational and emotional. The dog was probably like her baby before you and the kids came along and she likely feels like she is letting the dog down. Like yes, you were here first, but now you are the bottom of the list, you need to go. She probably knows in her heart you are right and doesn't want to endanger the kids, however she is irrational and emotional about it. I remember crying at the stupidest things when I was pregnant- I remember breaking down crying because I felt so lonely and my husband was only outside in the workshop. He'd only been out there about 20 minutes. Pregnancy hormones combined with the lack of medication she needs... please, just try to see it from her point. As I said, I fully believe you are right and agree with your postion 100%, it's just maybe how you handle the situation.
Junebug, I see her point, at least to the point that I know she is hurting. I want to handle this in a way that is easiest for her, and yet not put my children in danger. However, other than try to have calm discussions with her, or before today, allowed the discussions to be extremely short because she couldn't handle it, trying to find a way to safely keep the dog, etc... I don't know what else to do to help her.
Junebug, I see her point, at least to the point that I know she is hurting. I want to handle this in a way that is easiest for her, and yet not put my children in danger. However, other than try to have calm discussions with her, or before today, allowed the discussions to be extremely short because she couldn't handle it, trying to find a way to safely keep the dog, etc... I don't know what else to do to help her.
Do you just see her point, or express to her that you understand her point? You may know you see her point but maybe she doesn't know and feel that you understand how much she is hurting.
my sisters cat bit her daughter. it was bad. my niece had to have surgery because the infection got so bad. she still has not gotten rid of the cat.
my sister loves those cats and getting rid of them would break her heart. so i can understand where your wife is coming from. i feel for my sister here.
but i would get rid of the cat if i had any say in the subject.
I know you say your wife doesnt want to get rid of the dog, but i read in your earlier post that she broke down and cried and said to get rid of the dog. what happened there?
You two have a lot of issues that do not center around this animal. if your in laws think your an a-hole, its because your wife thinks you are. that probably started long before all this ridiculousness over the dog.
and i didnt mean to imply you are a narcissist. its really easy to get caught up in the 'im right' game. i do it too. everyone does it. its really hard to let go of ones stance and just realize whats at stake by continually being defensive when ones spouse feels unloved.
Yes, we have issues that go far beyond the dog. I'm trying to make an appointment with a marriage counselor.
I didn't think you were implying that I am a narcissist. I brought that up because it's been on my mind and, as I said, that is one of the qualities-if I understand correctly.
I honestly can't see the other side 
