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Old 02-20-2012, 12:03 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Privacy and boundaries in relationships

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Good question! I can't put my finger on the answer because it seems to be multi-faceted.

Since that post about the money issues I've actually broken off the relationship twice but he keeps worming his way back in, mainly by contacting me to ask me to justify why I'm breaking up with him (this is where the "I'm a great guy!" schtick comes in). I know that part of it is the amount of time we've spent in each other's company, which leaves a huge gaping void when I dump him... I end up feeling vulnerable and allow myself to get sucked back in.
Breaking up is really hard. I was once 2.5 years with a guy but 1.5 of that was spent trying to break up with him. He was a nice guy, and I cared deeply for him. We just didn't have any kind of relationship, and it wasn't getting any better no matter what.

Another guy I dated soon proved himself to be just like your guy and even worse. After knowing him my whole life and thinking he was a really, really great person, it only took me a few months after we got together romantically to realize he was a terrible and abusive boyfriend. He was also useless in bed, which I thought we could have worked on in time, but I sure wasn't willing to stick around and be mistreated. I broke it off after 3 months and 1 day. No amount of talking and begging was going to change my mind.

The void that follows and the uncertainty is part of breaking up, and breaking up is a part of meeting and dating. And, that's where the problem lies. Most people, especially women it appears, don't seem to understand what dating is for. Most of us meet a man and immediately begin flying down the aisle to the altar. The purpose of dating is not to meet a person and decide you will get him to marry you. The purpose of dating is spend the time trying to determine if he is the man for you, the man you WANT to be married to. Usually, we get hung up on what we hope the relationship will be, rather than recognizing what it actually is.

If you keep a level head, you will realize you are in love with hope and not him. Just in love with love itself, as they say. Breaking up is especially difficult if you don't resign yourself to it. Talk yourself into not wanting to be with him. Remind yourself he is not good for you. Be determined to want better for yourself. In the very least, love yourself enough not to put up with being treated this way. You don't need him tooting his own horn about how great he is. You already know he is not.

Breaking up does not require self esteem. You seem to think your issue with self esteem plays a role, but it doesn't. It's just another part of life you have to snot through (cry and sniff a lot) like all the other difficult times. You will quickly realize what I'm talking about - that your only problem is the void of wanting (wanting to be loved and wanting to be in love) and that being alone is not so bad. You'll certainly be free and available to find what you want.
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Old 02-20-2012, 12:54 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Privacy and boundaries in relationships

If you are married, there is NO right to privacy, in my opinion. Secrets do not belong in a marriage, even if it's just the simple title of a self-help book. However, neither does disrespect which is what your SO is doing by mocking/belittling you.

If you aren't married/serious or living together, then I feel you have a right to a limited privacy, including what kind of book you are reading.

Your background info seems familiar... Have you posted before?

Like the other posters have asked, why are you still with him? He doesn't sound like a very...charming individual. What would turn me off the most is him not pitching in and spending most times at your house. Sounds like he's mooching off of you & belittling your personal business in the process.
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Old 02-20-2012, 01:32 AM   #33 (permalink)
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So you think your SO is emotionally unavailabe and you were reading an ebook about that and you didn't want him to know.
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Last edited by Unhappy2011; 02-20-2012 at 01:37 AM.
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Old 02-20-2012, 02:13 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Privacy and boundaries in relationships

If you want privacy stay single

In a relationship, you are entitled to your privacy---its when you get married, and take your vows to each other, that the 2 of you have agreed to be as one, and be open books to each other-----so if you want privacy DO NOT MARRY
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:51 AM   #35 (permalink)
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So you think your SO is emotionally unavailabe and you were reading an ebook about that and you didn't want him to know.
Other way around, he often tells me I'm "emotionally cheap", distant, etc and I was investigating to see if his accusations had any merit.

I just didn't want to admit that and go through the daily barrage of "What does the book say you have to do to fix yourself? Are you doing it?".

When I have more time later I'll post a recent scenario as an example.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:57 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Your background info seems familiar... Have you posted before?
I've only ever posted here with the TwoDogs name but I've been around a few months.

There was a woman posting recently about a similar situation with her fiance that really resonated with me. Actually, there have been a few that sounded familiar... nice to know I'm not the only one!

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Like the other posters have asked, why are you still with him? He doesn't sound like a very...charming individual. What would turn me off the most is him not pitching in and spending most times at your house. Sounds like he's mooching off of you & belittling your personal business in the process.
He can be charming at times, he's not all bad. Just that the un-charming has become more and more apparent as I've been becoming less of a doormat. Things between us were peachy-keen as long as everything went his way and I didn't rock the boat.
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:00 AM   #37 (permalink)
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You will quickly realize what I'm talking about - that your only problem is the void of wanting (wanting to be loved and wanting to be in love) and that being alone is not so bad. You'll certainly be free and available to find what you want.
Yep, that's it in a nutshell.

Awesome break-up pep talk, River!
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Old 02-20-2012, 09:55 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Alright, as promised (threatened, lol) here are two examples of what I see as his manipulative behaviour.

Episode 1

As I've mentioned, he doesn't drive. A few months ago we'd arranged that I would pick him up at his place at 5:00 and we'd go out for dinner.

Just as I was about to leave my house to drive to his, I got a call to go and pick up a key that I needed early the next morning to set up for an event that I was volunteering at. SO was aware of this, and knew I needed to connect with the woman who had that key. I arranged to pick it up on my way to SO's house. I phoned to tell him I'd be late, but got voice mail so I left a message saying, "I'm going to be a few minutes late... I'm going to pick up the key from R's house.... she's over by my dad's place [to give him an idea of the driving distance]".

I pulled into SO's driveway at exactly 5:22, 22 minutes late. He comes out of the house and I can see by his face that he is absolutely furious. He got in the car and I said with horror, "OMG, you didn't get my voicemail message!" He informed me that he did get it but that I'd said I would be a few minutes late -- not 24 minutes late (2 minutes have now elapsed since my arrival) -- and "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!" I apologized several times, and he just kept insisting that "a few" minutes wasn't 24 minutes. He was so white-hot angry that I asked him if he just wanted to get out of the car and forget the evening; he declined. Eventually he apologized for getting angry, saying he'd had a "bad day".... but I was still late.

So, yeah, I screwed up by being late but I don't think I was the evil woman incarnate that he made me out to be, particularly considering his 24 minute wait was spent in the comfort of his own home with full cable TV, internet, etc. Fairly typical for him to brush off an extreme overreaction (in my view) as the effects of a bad day.

Episode 2

This just happened last week. He works from home, basically part-time, while I have a typical 40 hour/week office job. It has long been my habit to send him a brief hi/good morning email as soon as I get into work at 8:30 -- he responds when he gets out of bed.

Things are in complete upheaval at work right now, everything is upside-down.... I didn't get a response from him, but didn't think much of it... figured he was a) sleeping in b) busy with work c) having problems with his email (this happens fairly often). I was still getting internal emails (within the office) so I didn't suspect a problem with my own email.

I went to talk to a colleague on another floor, then I left the office for about an hour, so I didn't realize that he still hadn't responded until I returned to the office around 11:30. Within a few minutes the phone rang, and it was him -- telling me he was soooo worried, he hadn't heard from me, he'd thought something bad had happened to me. I asked, "Didn't you get the emails I sent you? I sent you two," and he said he hadn't. At the same time I overhear a coworker nearby commenting that she didn't seem to be getting many emails, and it started to dawn on me that perhaps there was a problem with our external email. I mentioned this to him, and said that it hadn't occurred to me that there might have been a problem as I had still been getting internal emails all morning and apparently IT hadn't announced anything. I also wondered why he wouldn't have thought that there might have been an email problem, as this has happened a few times in the past. Last thing he said was, "Visit at lunch if you get a chance" and I said I'd see how things went. Issue resolved, right? (Wrong!)

I ended up leaving for lunch later than usual and had some errands to run. Just as I was finishing up, he sent me a text: "All is still quiet at 1:18. Not having a good day here." [Normally I would call him around 1:00 if I was going to drop by at lunch] I called him, asked if he still wanted a visit, he said yes. As I almost always do, I picked up a coffee and a snack for him. I got there and he was like a thundercloud -- sullen and low, seething anger. He repeated how he wasn't having a good day. I asked him what was wrong (thinking there must be something else), and he reiterated that he'd been really anxious worrying about me. And went on to say that I "should have known something was wrong with the email" when I didn't get a response from him (apparently forgetting that he sleeps in past 8:30 fairly often so it's not that unusual) and should have found an alternate means of contacting him so he didn't worry. This is TWO HOURS after he had learned that I'm alive and well!

I said I was sorry that he'd worried, explained again how I'd still been getting some emails so things looked pretty normal to me, and how I wasn't really paying attention to whether or not he'd replied because things were so nutty in the office (he's aware of this) and I'd been out for a while anyway.

I returned to work, and noticed that a couple more texts had come in after his 1:18 text (texts are sometimes delayed from his phone) saying: "Sorry, just too much worry, but with the same annoying undertone that you don't really care." and "Screw this. I'm in a rotten mood now."

External email capability had been restored by this time, and I got a couple emails from him again accusing me of "not caring enough" about his anguished morning of worrying and not showing him enough "TLC". I thought the whole thing was completely over the top ridiculous, but certainly didn't tell him that.

So my external email fails, and he goes overboard with his Worst Case Scenario thinking -- and I get demonized for not feeding his emotional overdose.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:09 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Privacy and boundaries in relationships

hes a nut case.

and youre still there because....
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:05 AM   #40 (permalink)
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A girlfriend asked me to pick her up from the airport and take her home. The airport was 30 minutes from me, and she lived an hour and a half from me in the opposite direction - a total 4 hour trip. I really didn't want to do it because I HATE that much driving, but she's a friend, so I said okay and told her to meet me at baggage pickup. My boyfriend (different guy from the other two I mentioned) knew the whole story and was expecting me to come by afterward.

When I arrived at the airport, she wasn't at baggage pickup, so I went to check that her plane arrived on time, which it had. This was quite a trek and then back again to BP, but she still wasn't there. I called my boyfriend from a pay phone (had left my cell in his car earlier) to see if by chance she had called, and he told me no. She still wasn't there 30 minutes later, so I called him again. Still no. I went searching the airport for her. Quite some time later I called him again, and she had called wondering where I was because she was waiting at BP but never saw me. He told her I was indeed there and to stay right where she was in case I called him back. That way, he could tell me exactly where to find her. She insisted she had been waiting all the long at BP.

How could we keep missing each other if we both were at baggage pickup? I was waiting and looking inside, while she was outside. Outside was right at the door of baggage pickup. It made more sense, as she was trying to prevent me from having to park and come inside for her. The problem was she didn't tell me she would be outside, and I didn't tell her to wait for me inside. We both had our individual images of what/where BP actually was without really communicating. When we finally found each other, it was still quite some time later (nearly 90 minutes at the airport). I was incensed and extremely tired but tried to make the trip pleasant. I wanted to blame her but realized I was equally to blame.

Wouldn't you know that just as I dropped her home, a major snow storm began. So, my 1.5 hour trip back home ended up taking 3 hours. My total trip ended up being almost 7 hours. I was totally exhausted and mentally drained.

When I arrived at boyfriend's house, he was waiting with great anticipation, as he'd been worrying all that while. Not only was he in the middle of the two us being unable to find each other, but I was much, much later than expected. He quickly opened the door, but then.....he......just.....stood there. I waited for him to step aside and let me in, but.....he.....just.....stood there like a limp tree planted in the way. I didn't know what to say or what was going on. Finally, I said something, which was "move." I was soooo tired and in my perplexity of these awkward moments, I didn't even have the presence of mind to say "excuse me" or anything else. "Move" is what came out, with no particular inflection or emphasis. I was just too tired and wanted to get inside to sit down, lay down, die - it didn't much matter at the time LOL.

He responded with "MOVE???!!!! Is that all you have to say to me?" He finally stepped aside and went off on some kind of rampage about how worried he had been and how inconsiderate I was for not hugging him when he flew open the door.

HUH???

The overly-dramatic-movie-script ending he had imagined was that I was supposed to jump into his arms at that moment, relieving him of all his worry and suffering. After about 10 minutes of his madness and unbelievably realizing I was being forced to actually focus my energy and attention on him, I yelled back reminding him that the whole thing was MY ordeal and if anyone should be hugged at its ending, it is ME. I told him I was tired of him ALWAYS turning every single event into being all about him and made him see how ridiculous he was being.

Of course, nothing I said mattered one bit. He apologized, but the next time was soon to come. Just like your guy, there was something wrong with him. The way he turned this around may seem innocent enough, but he usually twisted everything into something awful, disastrous, and, of course, being all about him. I was the demon culprit for allowing it to happen.

Well, that guy lasted about 3 or 4 months, if that long. I grew soooo tired of him. Aren't you exhausted yet?

It's beginning to sound like your guy is several of my rejects all rolled in one. Girl, you are stronger than you think because goodness knows I could never tolerate all that you put up with.
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:54 AM   #41 (permalink)
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My work in progress marriage is nuts but you have a whole thing of sh!t going on here. If my husband can not return a text because he has things to do I am not sitting at home thinking he died, becoming an emotional reck, because I know he is at work. If I am going to be late and he knows it he does not count down the seconds I am running behind.

You have a controll freak on your hands and I do believe that if you were to marry this man that you would soon be no longer working and your whole life will be living in fear of making him un happy. Abusive people can seem nice as heck, like a charming man to it is how they work.

I hate to say this but in your case I have to. Leave him. He sounds very abusive and manipulating and you can see that in just the few post you have put in here. I am sorry but that is my opinion. He is not good so you should go.
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:44 PM   #42 (permalink)
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hes a nut case.

and youre still there because....
I'm the boiled frog. Had he acted like this in the first few months we were together, I wouldn't be writing this now. But the Crazy didn't start coming out for a couple of years.
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:48 PM   #43 (permalink)
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I told him I was tired of him ALWAYS turning every single event into being all about him and made him see how ridiculous he was being.

Of course, nothing I said mattered one bit. He apologized, but the next time was soon to come. Just like your guy, there was something wrong with him. The way he turned this around may seem innocent enough, but he usually twisted everything into something awful, disastrous, and, of course, being all about him. I was the demon culprit for allowing it to happen.

Well, that guy lasted about 3 or 4 months, if that long. I grew soooo tired of him. Aren't you exhausted yet?
I'm beyond exhausted. We're disintegrating rapidly at this point.

Unlike you, I can't make him see that he's being irrational and ridiculous and self-absorbed -- he turns it around so I'm the one who's insensitive or coldhearted because I won't play along with his vision of his victimhood. Arrghhh!
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Old 02-23-2012, 07:04 PM   #44 (permalink)
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I really had to laugh at this comment ...in our world, I can honestly say ....this is the only thing my husband doesn't want to share with me, his moments wiping his ass....seriously.

Otherwise his world is mine, he offers it willingly, no question is off bounds.



I am THE 100% Tranparency woman on this forum- did a thread on it.... I understand it does not work for all (your situation is one reason it can NEVER work)

I want that in my marraige - I want that in a spouse , a willingness to allow me into his world in a trusting manner in all things, and I give from my end as well. We are both approachable, understanding, humble about our own faults & forgiving of each other - always ..... we wouldn't have it any other way, we are on the same page & it is 1 thing (among many) we LOVE about our marriage..

But in your situation....... it is very obvious from what you say here...your Boyfriend has derailed & twisted any hope for you to be more willingly open with him .....due to his belittling you at every turn, by taking your private moments and plastering them as weaknesses to others in your life, he might as well hold up a sign! ....

He has taken your interests to better yourself & threw them in your face - emotionally spitting on you -saying "look at you ...you are defective"... When accually he is the defective one for needing to belittle you like that !! This is so very obvious... he has issues.

He could be the poster boy for...."This is how to act if you want your significant other to become secretive and hide things from you !!"

I am with the others.... move along.

What is sad to me about this is...because of what HE has done to you & how it has made you feel, pushing up those boundaries even higher...... you may go on to meet a GOOD man who is capable of TRUST in all things, even allowing him access to what you read, how you think....that would never belittle you...but just sincerely wants to know & understand you better... but you will hesitate to allow him into your world.

That is the shame in all of this.

Anyone who belittles others when they are vulnerable - well - it speaks volumes about THEM ! That is the bottom line in these things...those are the types we need to PUSH out of our lives -if we are seeking a wholesome genuine "give & take" relationship based on mutual respect and love.
I wouldn't even attempt to add to this. SA nails it as always!
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Old 02-23-2012, 08:04 PM   #45 (permalink)
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I wouldn't even attempt to add to this. SA nails it as always!
she ALWAYS does!

(unless its about porn)
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