I feel some of the saddest mistakes in marraige is when these things start happening early on & the emotionally healthy non addicted spouse doesn't call an "ultimatum" on the situation to either get help (Alcoholics Anon, Marraige counseling, etc), you'll stand beside them every step of the way if they are willing ....to do what is BEST for the marriage .... or I am leaving ! Too often we stay, hoping, praying, begging for change, infact becoming enablers of some addiction of our spouses, then the years slowly go past one after another, nothing changes, we find we are drowning in pain or have become NUMB by then.....Then we realize we can't breath anymore, where did the years go, I am still alive, don't I deserve some happiness !
Great post and so close to what I went through when I was young and in love, sounds you know what you are talking about. He has been an alcoholic since he was young, I married him knowing he was a problem drunk, but I was young and didn't know what co-dependant was. I thought I could change him. I thought if he really loved me, surely he would choose me over the bottle. As the years rolled on, here I sit 20 years later, older and wiser and I can see that I never had control of the situation. I was never going to change him. Also, he didn't drink to hurt me. As far as the affair goes, I am not going to go there. That would just cause more problems. My husband is not a monster, the night I posted this post, I was in a deep pity party for myself. I just needed someone to listen who has been there so I don't feel so alone.
But why do you stay with him? Are there children involved, of any age?
The fact that you would consider an affair may be a reflection of how damaged your self-worth is, after years in a "marriage" like this. I know it isn't funny at all, but I keep thinking, "Save yourself!" like a line from a bad movie.
I came here to share my innermost feelings with others who would understand. I wasn't expecting some of you to be so mean. I do not plan on having an affair, I know the other dude just likes the chase and he will just use me. My husband has been drinking heavily since I have known him. I married him knowing all this and did it anyway because I love him as a person. And, as a young girl with hardly any life experience, I thought I could change him. I know better now.
I just needed to vent my anger to others in this forum, a friendly ear (or eyes) so to speak. I didn't expect some of you to come at me with flaming sticks screaming MONSTER!!!!. I swear some of you had me checking my neck for bolts! I want to be honest in this forum, it's nice to let everything out. To share things I am not able to share with family or friends. I know I can divorce him any time I want. I just needed to vent. It's called EMPATHY my friends. Some of you need to retract your claws, no one is perfect.
There is no way I am going to cheat on my husband. When I posted my original post, I was angry and hurt. I am trying to make my husband into something he is not. Some of you were great and understanding. Thank you so much for your support. As for some of the people who had snarky answers, think before you type. I knowthe deal, I know about divorce, I just thought this was a safe place for people to go to complain, cry, whine, etc. to others who may be in the same boat.
You're free to vent, but it looked like you were on the cusp of making a horrible decision. Of course people were going to push you the other way.
You say you were making him out to be something he's not, but that's all we have to go on. Care to tell us the other side to this? What makes you stay?
I know, it is hard to tell all the information in one post. I am more clearheaded now and ready to answer your question. When I married him I knew he was not affectionate, didn't like to talk, didn't share feelings, drank like a fish, etc. I was so young with a mother who was co-dependant in her own relationship pushing me to take care of him. HE comes first. STAND BY YOUR MAN. I did that for 19 years. I begged, pleaded, prayed and he still hasn't changed. I got therapy and went to ALANON and am no longer a codependent.
Now that I am older and hindsight is 20/20, no one can change anyone. I had to learn that the hard way. When I posted my post about neglect and affair, I was fuming mad. Tired of being ignored, of having to speak only during commercials, blah blah blah.
So, my emotional needs have never been met by this man and this other dude who wants the affair always did (we worked together for years). The affair I was speaking of was a mental one, not a physical one. But I know better. He wants me only because he can't have me. What an ego on this guy!!! To tell the truth, I have been ignoring his emails for months. I only wrote what I did because I was like, "I gotta a guy who wants to worship me and I am married to a guy who doesn't know I am even here!" This dude almost ruined my marriage once, he will not be allowed to do so again.
After all that, my husband is still the sweetest, kind hearted, cute, and funny man. No one can make me laugh like he can. I don't cook or clean or act like a traditional wife. He never mentions it or complains at me. He is this huge hunk of a man with long blonde hair (I am attracted to heavy metal long haired bad boys) who is over 6 feet tall, yet he is gentle with me.
I guess I got angry the other night because he is in a deep depression, never gets out of bed, drinks rum every night even knowing I hate it. I just got tired of jumping through rings to get this guys attention. The other night I hit my boiliing point and found this site. It did feel good to vent.
He shows me he loves me to the best of his ability. However, he doesn't meet my high standards of affection because I am on the other end of the affection spectrum. It's like I am Pepe Le Pew and he is the black cat with the white stripe down her back! (I really hope you get that reference, because it fits perfectly).
I really see the issue of the potential affair is secondary. You obviously care enough about your marriage to stay.
Remember you are not even doing your husband a favour by maintaining the status quo. He is on a path to drink himself to death and your role seems to be spectator.
It may be the best thing you could do for both of you is set some boundaries and if that doesn't work, move on.
If he doesn't get help and you leave, there is a risk that he will continue to wallow in depression and self-destruction except now he will also try to blame you, but that doesn't make it true and that doesn't mean you have the power to change the path he is on.
"A man marries a woman hoping she won't change and she does. A woman marries a man hoping he will change and he doesn't".
Cut off your ex-coworker. The more you engage him the worse you'll feel about yourself (believe it or not) and your marriage.
Does your husband say why he won't exercise? The fact that he sits inside all day and gets up so late says that he is not getting enough sunlight. Sunlight is crucial for well-being. If you think about it, all over the world there have been different diets and lifestyles for many years, but the one consistent thing everyone everywhere has had access to is sunlight--it's very important.