My wife of 11 years is going thru a phase I guess you would call it and I don't understand or know how to handle it. I know shes not on drugs but she is acting off the wall. We have/had a great marriage, no figts, no arguements no nothing. We loved to spend time together and were best friends. Great sex life and best Christmas ever. BUT...two weeks after Christmas she tells me she doesn't love me anymore...out of the blue. I can't believe it and ask why and she tells me "you call the kids dogs names" and the kids don't want you here. She asks me to leave. I end up staying with a friend to try to figure this out. She changes the locks next day and in a week a guy she works with is living in my house and she is telling everone he is her new love and her life is great! I ask her how life can be great with no job and no money and she say we're just fine! I found out from her work they have only nurtured the relationship for the month of December so it is fairly sudden and new. On top of this, they both got fired by their employer for the affair. She made 50K and the dude make 15k. they both got denied unemployment and have no money and havent paid any bills in a month including mortgage. He is married and left wife and she says he hasn't made truck payment for two months and no child support to his ex wife. They were seen dumping my change jug thru the machone at the grocery store that gives you money for change. I tried to talk to the kids about this (14 and 18) and get them to see things are NOT ok, but they are her kids not mine and they say "we just want our mom to be happy" and I tell them she was with me, but it gets nowhere.
We had a good life and bills all were current and both made money and no money issues. All her friends have disowned her because of this and she says "screw them all I don't care what anyone thinks" and is just in total denial. She has not told her brothers, sisters or parents anything of the whole deal. I have tried to reason with here and get her to see the road she is headed down, but she is in lust or something and can't be reasoned with. She will only talk via text msg and that is only when she feels like it. I have told her I love her and wannt her back and will help her to straighten all this out but she doesn't want to hear it. A therapist says hang in and give it time for her to hit rock bottom and she will realize her mistake and want to work things out. She is very stubborn and I don't know if that will do the trick or not. She is an intelligent woman (usually) and just seems blind to the whole situation. I send her an I love you, miss you and want to work things out text every day. She sends back there is no us and nothing to work out. Any ideas on what is going thru her mind here ladies (or men) and would I be better off quitting texting her and ignoring her. I have heard both sides of this, that if I quit texting she will think she has lost her connection to me and it may help win her back, but on the other side I have been told it could be pushing her away. I am at wits end cause I love this woman and I just don't understand it. The guy is NOT good looking and is not in goood physical shape, is now unemployed and according to his wife is lousy in the bedroom and has erectile problems. This will not sit well with my wife because sex is a big part of her life. Nothing makes sense. Help? Advice? Anynbody?
Oh dear, Yet another Beta male who thinks he can beg his disrespectful wife back in his arms. The "lousy" guy you talk of would probably dump her azz if she started disrespecting him. He is the real man in her eyes. You need to man the hell up.
How old is your wife? Could this be some kind of mid-life crisis breakdown? Certainly no rational person would shrug aside being jobless (both of them) and carry on as if life were wonderful. Maybe you need to talk to her family, maybe they can talk her into getting some counseling.
Who's name is your house in and if its yours what gives her the right to change the locks?
You should not be doing all your doing in contact with her.If she comes out of the fog she's in and wants to come back,at least you'll be in a position of power should you also want to R.
She's gone,now you have to take care of all your financial affairs so you don't come out a loser on that end and she doesn't benefit from your hard work.It's never too early to see a lawyer.
Stay strong and don't beg.Work on things to help you move on,because at this time she already has.Financial difficulty may help break her fantasy.Hope things work out for you and remember to take care of yourself...sleep,eating etc.If you're finding depression or anxiety getting the better of you,I'm sure your MD can help.
Hi Gator sorry you are here I would make sure that she has no access to funds and stop funding her affair get rid of all credit cards joint accts etc open up a bank acct with yr name and who is the house titled to if it is both names or just yr name I would reclaim the house and force her to leave and seek legal advice as soon as possible. Are the kids hers or both of yalls.
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Men can be jerks but women can be incredibly cold and callous once they lose interest in you and become enamored with someone else! This marriage is DONE and you trying to get it back is truly perplexing.
How could you ever feel the same about her?
Even if you could past everything, she will see you as weak and NEVER give you the respect you deserve.
And not to rub it in but if sex is important to her, he's already rockin it how she likes. No woman is going to give up EVERYTHING for a partner that she is not sexually happy with, that's probably how he got her.
Of course the OM's wife is going to claim he's lousy in bed, she's angry and rightfully so.
Move on. The pain you have now will be dwarfed by what you'll feel if you pull out all the stops, get her back, and she betrays you AGAIN.
Yes I do have some insight and advice that may help you.
Before I begin I would like to preface this with the fact that what I write below is based on generalizations as such it may not completely apply to you. Please take from it what you need.
I do see situations similar to yours while counseling.
The telltale signs are men who say something along the lines of "we got along so well, we never fought".
The issue in these cases is repressed emotions on the woman's side and they develop along the lines of:
Most women have a natural emotional cycle in which they will periodically experience negative emotions irrespective of how well their relationship is going. During those times a woman will naturally express these negative emotions and look for validation and support in her partner.
This cycle is difficult for untrained men to understand and support for several reasons. Most men will assume that when their partner speaks to them about negative feelings she is actually asking for advice on a problem that is bothering her "i feel so tired at work" - "I told you you should quit if you are unhappy".
While the first few times the woman would reach out, and the man may be supportive as time progresses the man gets more and more frustrated when he finds her regularly talking about problems that he thinks where sorted the last time they spoke, and his advice does not seem to be headed.
In some cases the cycle degrades enough that the woman is being punished emotionally for expressing these feelings. The man not understanding her natural emotional cycle will invalidate and punish her for what he feels are irrational feelings.
This may happen at the beginning of a marriage, or it may already be in place if the woman growing up witnessed her mother and father exhibiting this behavior.
As such the woman learns that expressing these feelings is bad and she needs o suppress them. And a woman doing this is quite similar to a man trying to suppress having sex.
There are 2 outcomes when this happens for a long time:
- one the woman looses her ability to feel positive emotions. She will just gradually become apathetic and she may not even know why "We have a lovely marriage we never fight, the problem is me, I am just unhappy and I do not know why".
- two a woman in this position is highly vulnerable to her emotional needs being fulfilled from a different source. Just like a man who suppressed sex for years, when a woman feels the validation she has been missing she exhibits this kind of behavior.
The explosion is so strong that she will drop everything and against all reason pursue her new source.
If this is indeed your situation I agree with what your counselor said. As with most explosions you just have to wait until it dies down.
I strongly suggest you take this time to develop the critical relationship building skills you need to properly emotionally support your partner.
In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:
- both you and your partner ideally need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship.
You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to misunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.
- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them.
Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.
To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.
Listen Gator. I have 3 things you need to do
1. MAN UP!
2. MAN UP!
3. MAN UP!
all the advise above is great EXCEPT Freedomcorp's. This is no time do anything with your wife. She is in an active affair. It doesn't matter how difficult your communication was or how bad your relationship was. The affair is 100% her fault. Expose her affair to EVERYONE. Secure your financial circumstances. If the house is in your name, get current and seek a lawyer's help to get her out. FILE for divorce and have her served NOW. Even if you believe you want to reconcile, the reality of the divorce paper will shock her.
you gotta stay dark,since the kids aren't yours,there's no reason for ANY contact. rough? you bet, but all she's gonna do is drag you down. make doubly sure she has no way to get to any of your money, from saving,checking and cc cards and now that neither one is working and can collect unemployment, i would be keeping a real clo0se eye on if she is opening any new cc cards in your name. and see a lawyer quick about the house,hate to see you get current on the mortage and not be able to move in.
She's not acting crazy, she's in a freaking affair.
Expose it to her family, and file for divorce.
If your name is on the house, get looser boy out - since he needs your permission to be on your property. Currently he is tresspassing.
File for divorce against your wife. You'll shock her by showing her that you have a spine.
He has erectile dysfunction at home because he's been boning your wife for a while.
btw - you don't get fired from work that quickly for an affair - this has been going on longer than 1 month. you need to visit their work and get the details from coworkers and the boss.
and stop being a passive spineless man and trying to win her back through I love you texts. Realize she and looser boy are laughing at how you've rolled over , move out, and been so helpful to them.
btw - expect that they WILL take out credit cards in your name, try for a second mortgage on the house, sell your stuff - whatever they want to , and they will expect you to just take it - because you've shown that you will.
So change their opinion of you by seeing a lawyer today and putting a stop to all of this.