General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello everyone!
I need some advice here please. I have been with my bf for 6 months. It has been wonderful! Except he is a bit controlling, does not like me going out with my friends and all. Besides that he has treated me better than any man I have been with. I know you all are going to say it is way to soon, but we put a deposit down on a house so we can live together. We both have children from previous marriages. They are all good with it. My problem is- my plan for the future is to be married again (in the future, not soon). I asked him when we met if he could see himself ever marring again, he said no, when his kid graduates, he's off to florida. Now I told him I was getting cold feet on the move cause I dont want to "play house" for 8 years and have him bail. Suddenly his views changed, he can see himself getting married again someday, and is totally in love with me ect....I asked how can you change just like that? He said I have changed his views on marriage and he now wants me to go to florida with him when the kids are grown and all that. I want to believe him, he has never lied.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
Now I told him I was getting cold feet on the move cause I dont want to "play house" for 8 years and have him bail. Suddenly his views changed, he can see himself getting married again someday, and is totally in love with me ect....I asked how can you change just like that?
His view changed only because you got cold feet. He wants to live with you but not get married. By telling you that his view changed he bought himself 8 years with you and hopes YOU will change YOUR mind by then.
Honestly? Do not move in with this guy; if he really wants you tell him to put a ring on your finger first. He's already demonstrated that he's quite capable of changing his mind when things aren't going his way...
Honestly? Do not move in with this guy; if he really wants you tell him to put a ring on your finger first. He's already demonstrated that he's quite capable of changing his mind when things aren't going his way...
I think you already know that you shouldn't be moving in with him. Controlling after 6 months? Saying whatever needs saying to get what he wants? NO NO NO.
I'd be more concerned about the "he is a bit controlling, does not like me going out with my friends and all" part.
This kind of thing does not get better with time and often gets worse. If you are living with him, that will give him even more opportunity to monitor what you are doing and when, which means even more opportunity for him to be controlling. 6 months of new relationship honeymoon when he would be on his best behavior and you don't live together is not the same as when the true colors come out and you see him for who he really is. (For that same reason, I wouldn't trust his sudden change of heart on marriage, either).
What is the rush to move in together about? Why do you want to live with him?
Thank you for the replies. I am not sure what the rush is to live together. We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.
Thank you for the replies. I am not sure what the rush is to live together. We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.
I understand that, and I completely agree about never pressuring a man into popping the question, but the discussion of marriage obviously has come up, and he said at the time that he wasn't interested. I'd proceed with extreme caution. If you move in with him, and 8 years down the road he's off to FLA without you, it's safe to say that you will be the one harbouring resentment.
Thank you for the replies. I am not sure what the rush is to live together. We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.
If you aren't even sure what the purpose is in moving in together, you really shouldn't do it.
It takes a lot of effort to change your whole life around to move in with, and become dependent on, someone. (And you will be dependent on him pulling his own weight financially and otherwise when you share a household). It takes a lot of effort to learn how to live together, to compromise when needed, to let things go when needed, to learn to be a team rather than two people sharing a house, and to learn how and when to give each other space. That kind of hard work shouldn't be entered into lightly or without even knowing what the reason is for it.
You can spend as much time together as you want without moving in together. And since you've only known each other 6 months, if you learn about more and more things that you don't like or aren't compatible in the next 6 months, you don't have to wait until a lease is up in order to move on.
very true- we're still in the whole "honeymoon" phase. I did not mean to make him out to be a jerk. He is a great guy, to me and my kids. Its just those few things that are red flags to me. I am going to sit him down tonight and ask him again, why the sudden change of heart. I want SO bad to move forward- but my gut feeling is telling me no. we talked about it while he was at work today (texting), he said we are in this together, forever. I told him my "plan" for the future AGAIN. (to be married) and he said he is on the same page 100%. Maybe people do have a change of heart I dont know.
Don't do it! Why give him he benefit of marriage without the ring? I'm sure as soon as you move in he is going to expect everything he would expect of a wife. What about your child? You want to move your child in with a man you've been dating for six whole months? How well do you really know him?
You also need to think real hard about his controlling behaviors. Like Maya Angelou said: The first time someone shows you who they are...believe them!!! Now he wants to change his story but I'd stick with his first response. Someone who changes their mind that easy is shady. A controlling partner who rushes you into co-habitating and is willing to tell you what you want to hear. Red flags are all over this one if you care to pay attention.
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Should I move in with bf or not? 
