General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I never want to do anything to hurt my marriage, but my husband just has no regards at all for my feelings. I can't talk to him about things I feel. I used to try, but I stopped. I learned to bottle them up because talking about them led to mocking me, telling me I was crazy or being that "Suzy" had it harder than me that I should just be thankful and not complaining. I never thought needing to share how I feel about something that was bothering me was complaining,but I guess it is. To be honest, I don't "complain" anymore and I don't think I was complaining then. I just wanted to be heard. In the beginning of our relationship, I used to try to tell him about things that were bothering me. He never wanted to hear it and oddly it escalated into arguments every time even when my troubled thoughts had nothing to do with him. I needed his support and I was crying out to him for it in hopes that he would hear me. The more he shut me out the more I bothered him. Somewhere in the first two years of our relationship I stopped. I stopped asking for him to hear me or be shoulder I could lean on. I don't tell him anything anymore, I don't approach him with my thoughts feelings nothing. I deal with all of the frustration alone. It has left me very depressed but functioning. I'm now at a place where I can't bottle things up anymore, as I sense that I will self destruct but I don't want to force him to hear me. I really want to talk to and express myself with someone who is willing. There's someone that I could that I know would listen, he's a good friend that I've known for years. We stopped talking shortly after my marriage as my husband was sort of possessive at the time and I didn't want to make waves. Yet he is past that now and my friend reached out to me on FB recently. I haven't began to engage in lots of conversation as I didn't want to start an emotional affair. I'm not even sure what that is, but I've been told that sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with someone other than my husband is. This guy is my best friend and was a wonderful person that I could lean on then and am sure I could now. Anyway, I just wonder is sharing your thoughts with someone other than your spouse an emotional affair. I've never had any type of sexual conversation with this guy in all of the 10 years I've been knowing him and never would so that would never be an issue, we just aren't that way with each other, but he has always understood me and I seriously need someone to talk to from time to time.
I dont think you should talk to this guy about your feelings problems between a husband and wife should remain between them. I think you should try marriage counselling so that both you and your husband can open up to each other. Your marriage will get worse if you continue to hold your feelings in and if you speak to this other guy about your feelings, if roles were reversed how would you feel if your husband was talking to another woman about his feelings uit would hurt you alot.
You are in an extremely vulnerable position right now.
Your husand's lack of respect/regard/empathy for you is going to make anyone right now seem like George Clooney compared to him. It's a given.
Your husband and you have serious serious issues in your marriage. You need to either mutually work on resolving them together or get a divorce.
I understand you wanting to talk to someone who can hear you out and listen to you vent, just be sure if you do talk to someone, it's not someone you have any history with, any feelings for, any flirtation with (i.e. like a girl friend).
You said you stopped talking to your friend when you got married.
Why was that? Was your husband only possessive about this guy or all men?
Your marriage is bad and will not get better on its own. The things your husband is doing are not ok and do not make for a happy/loving/close relationship. You are also enabling his behavior by tolerating it. you need boundaries. And consequences.
I have been in your situation before. It's awful. The very fact you said you stopped asking him to listen to you and to hear you out says it all. You can't even be bothered to voice your feelings to him anymore for fear of either being shut down or ecause you know the status quo hasn't/isn't changing. Basically there is a fire righ tnow and it's growing all around you. Either your husband helps you put the fire out or y ou choose you can choose to burn.
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. The way he treats you is not loving nor compassionate.
I dont think you should talk to this guy about your feelings problems between a husband and wife should remain between them. I think you should try marriage counselling so that both you and your husband can open up to each other. Your marriage will get worse if you continue to hold your feelings in and if you speak to this other guy about your feelings, if roles were reversed how would you feel if your husband was talking to another woman about his feelings uit would hurt you alot.
You are right, but he won't do counseling. He sees nothing wrong.I know if roles were reversed I would not like it. He doesn't want to try. It makes me so angry cause I feel like the bad person here. I hate when spouses make relationships so complicated as to leave a person with no other options than to divorce or separate cause they won't try and they just want you to accept it. This isn't a deal breaker. I couldn't tell my kids "hey me and dad are separating cause he won't listen to me". So idk, maybe I can figure out a way to deal with things within myself without feeling the need to talk to anyone. It's just that I've gotten very lonely over the years. I'm isolated in my marriage and in my social life that I don't have so there is no one other than me, him and our kids.
Ok so what do you plan to do about it? Cause the status quo isn't working. Neither is engaging a third party. The problems are still there. And it takes two to fix them. So now what?
I recommend you try one on one counseling. There's a chance that when you're trying to communicate things with your husband that you're doing it in a way that makes him defensive.
I wish my wife had posted on here and got advice before her EA went rampant.
If you value your marriage at all, go to one on one counseling. You'll pick up some skills to help, and, maybe after going for a while, your husband may be willing to join you.
Venting to another man is dangerous, and you may wake up one day and realize that something that started out innocent turned into something less than innocent.
You said you stopped talking to your friend when you got married.
Why was that? Was your husband only possessive about this guy or all men?
He was like that with all men. He is 12 years my senior, I was 18 when we met so he was really territorial. I understood it. What's weird is he's very social, has so many friends. He didn't want me to have a lot of friends, said all I needed was him, if I needed to talk I could talk to him. I thought great, my dh can be my bestfriend, but its not that way. He has so much time for everyone but me. Our house is full with people everyday and I'm just sort of off by myself holding down the fort while he chats. Then if I try to like engage myself in their conversation he becomes really put off by it and will tell me to go do xyz to send me away.
[QUOTE=tiredwife&sahm;598371]He never wanted to hear it and oddly it escalated into arguments every time even when my troubled thoughts had nothing to do with him. I needed his support and I was crying out to him for it in hopes that he would hear me. The more he shut me out the more I bothered him.QUOTE]
I never want to do anything to hurt my marriage, but my husband just has no regards at all for my feelings. I can't talk to him about things I feel. I used to try, but I stopped. I learned to bottle them up because talking about them led to mocking me, telling me I was crazy or being that "Suzy" had it harder than me that I should just be thankful and not complaining. I never thought needing to share how I feel about something that was bothering me was complaining,but I guess it is. To be honest, I don't "complain" anymore and I don't think I was complaining then. I just wanted to be heard. In the beginning of our relationship, I used to try to tell him about things that were bothering me. He never wanted to hear it and oddly it escalated into arguments every time even when my troubled thoughts had nothing to do with him. I needed his support and I was crying out to him for it in hopes that he would hear me. The more he shut me out the more I bothered him. Somewhere in the first two years of our relationship I stopped. I stopped asking for him to hear me or be shoulder I could lean on. I don't tell him anything anymore, I don't approach him with my thoughts feelings nothing. I deal with all of the frustration alone. It has left me very depressed but functioning. I'm now at a place where I can't bottle things up anymore, as I sense that I will self destruct but I don't want to force him to hear me. I really want to talk to and express myself with someone who is willing. There's someone that I could that I know would listen, he's a good friend that I've known for years. We stopped talking shortly after my marriage as my husband was sort of possessive at the time and I didn't want to make waves. Yet he is past that now and my friend reached out to me on FB recently. I haven't began to engage in lots of conversation as I didn't want to start an emotional affair. I'm not even sure what that is, but I've been told that sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with someone other than my husband is. This guy is my best friend and was a wonderful person that I could lean on then and am sure I could now. Anyway, I just wonder is sharing your thoughts with someone other than your spouse an emotional affair. I've never had any type of sexual conversation with this guy in all of the 10 years I've been knowing him and never would so that would never be an issue, we just aren't that way with each other, but he has always understood me and I seriously need someone to talk to from time to time.
My heart goes out to you. I've been in a marriage like that for 20 years. It's heartbreaking and lonely.
You have every right to expect your spouse to be there for you, for you to lean on. When they're not there for you, you really do feel like you're going it alone. If it's not fixed, resentment will build up and if it gets bad enough, it's too hard to fix.
You're husband needs to work on the marriage with you and if he won't, you'll have to make a decision.
You can't change your husband. The only one you have any control over is yourself. If he absolutely will not change, you will have to decide what you will tolerate and what you will not.
Maybe you should let your husband know how serious this is to you, that you can't keep living this way and if it doesn't change (possibly with the help of counseling)... X, Y or Z is going to happen. Now if he's like my husband, nothing worked, not a separation, not putting my foot down, reacting differently towards him..just nothing... So, I really do only have one recourse and that to eventually leave. My husband knows all of this, but still...nothing from him.
But do not put yourself in a position for a possible EA to happen. You are very vulnerable right now and it could happen quite innocently.
For myself, I make sure I have my family to lean on. I also realize how vulnerable I am and I am super vigilant about it. You need someone to talk to though, for holding those emotions in will wreck havoc on your health over time, or you will expolode.
Sounds almost like my situation, except I was there to listen and didn't get mad or defensive. I have no clue why my wife decided to shut me out and quit talking to me about her problems. Now she speaks with her ex and feels he's the only one that understands what she's going through.
My advice is to be completely honest with him and let him know how it makes you feel that he doesn't listen and you need him to be there to talk to without getting bent out of shape. Otherwise you will be tempted to take your emotions elsewhere. Try to get to a counselor. Good luck. Posted via Mobile Device
Try working into it slowly. Start going to IC, get the book His Needs Her Needs, read it then ask him to. He might not want to go to MC but you might be able to get him to read a book. After he reads it he may realize MC is needed. You could also try showing him this thread to let him know how desperately you need that emotional connection.
What defines an emotional affair 
. So idk, maybe I can figure out a way to deal with things within myself without feeling the need to talk to anyone. It's just that I've gotten very lonely over the years. I'm isolated in my marriage and in my social life that I don't have so there is no one other than me, him and our kids.
