My husband hurts me so much
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi. My husband and I have been married for 6 months but we dated over a year and a half and we lived together almost our whole relationship. We fell in love with each other right away and it seemed like the most romantic and beautiful relationship that I've ever had in my life. Everything was just wonderful, he treated me very good and he did everything he could to make me happy. He seemed to be the best man that I could ever wish for. I love him so very much and we never insulted each other for a long time but then everything suddenly started changing. Right before our wedding we had a lot of stupid fights and I thought it was just stress related so I didn't think much about it. A couple weeks later after we got married he started being very mean to me. Sometimes he would start picking a fight with me over nothing. He started blaming me for every thing HE did wrong which made me feel very bad. I react very explosively when somebody tries to blame me and pick a fight with me, I take too personally. First I would just be defensive and try to prove him wrong then it got much worse. Now I am so scared to even wake up because I am afraid that a new day will bring another fight about nothing. Let's say 4 days out of a week he can just be fine, he says he loves me more than anything and I am his happiness. Other times he becomes absolutely angry with me and say that he is with me only because I need him and that he really wants a divorce. For example today's fight started over his lies. I never cought him on not saying the truth but I did see him doing things behind my back before. He would hide he had a beer with his alcoholic ex-friend at a bar and even when I say "I have evidence that you lie to me" (like a picture of him drinking beer at a bar and his friend comments like : "today with my old buddy") I show him that picture and he says it is not what I think and he didn't stop for a drink. My husband had awful problems with alcohol for 2.5-3 years and when he met me I told him I don't want him to drink ANY alcohol. He said "deal" and now I find him lying to me about it once in a while. SO today he said he would call his boss and ask him for a night off because we had plans for the evening. He promised me and swore to me that he will not work today and that it is not going to be a problem. A couple hours later I asked him if he called his boss and he says "yes. Why wouldn't I" I had some gut feeling that he was lying to me so I asked him to show me a record of the call on his cell phone. He first refused but then he threw the phone at me. He started yelling that he wants a divorce! There was absolutely no record of the call and I asked him why he lied to me. He didn't want to explain to me and he just kept yelling that he doesn't care about what I think and that he needs a divorce. I just don't get. WTF?? Why does he always have to be a coward about everything, he can't even explain why he lied to me! I was so hurt because I think that somebody who loves you should never lie! I NEVER, seriously NEVER lied to him even about something little. I am very open with my emotions and I always encourage him to try to talk to me more. He said he doesn't talk to me because I wouldn't listen! But whenever he does talk to me it always sounds like an accusation! Then he said he has to go to work and I told him it is not OKAY to just leave me with these awful feelings. Instead of talking to me or trying to make me feel better he started accusing me of bull**** things even more. It hurts me so much, no, It drives me absolutely insane when he says he wants a divorce. He also throws his wedding ring in my face all the time. I don't know what I should do. I am trying to explain him that I don't want another person and I would like him to try to be a little better for me. I am not stupid, I am fluent in 3 languages, English is not my native, I play 2 instruments and sing, I am 106 lb, I was a model for fashion magazins, I cook professionally and I am devoted and loyal. I start doubting myself and think that I he just takes me for granted. He hates my emotions and my feelings and when I am sad or crying he just wants to move on. Yes, I yell and cry but I am so exhausted from his always changing moods...He says he doesn't mean those awful thing and then I ask him for the explanations on why he lied to me and he just gets pissed all over again and says even worse things..His careless " I am sorry" is so painful..When he blames me it sound so much more like truth, I even ask him to repeat what he said and he proudly repeats those things into my face. When he apologizes he never or rarely looks at me and sounds soooo fake.
What should I do?? I don't really have money for marriage counceling so it is not an option...
He also has abused me physically before but he said it was my fault and I hit him first.
I want to believe he is a sweet and very kind man that I've always known but I don't know what's true anymore. I love him so much, I look beautiful for him every day. I satisfy all of sexual desire daily, sometimes even several times a day. I try to be just what I am but he hates me when I cry or when he is guilty.
It seems like he wouldn't mind divorcing me although he says he only loves me and never wants to leave me...I am so confused
HELP
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

I'm worried for you. You two need to get help and talk things out. It is not ok for anyone to hit anyone ever! Please consider maybe taking a break from each other until you can talk this through or end it.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi1966 View Post
I'm worried for you. You two need to get help and talk things out. It is not ok for anyone to hit anyone ever! Please consider maybe taking a break from each other until you can talk this through or end it.



Your husband is abusive, abusers seldom change. Counseling may help, but you need to do it while you are apart - for your own safety. But usually in abusive relationships the other partner has two choices - #1 put up with it or #2 leave.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Abuse is NEVER acceptable whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical. I had a physically abusive husband now I have a verbally abusive one, so I know what your feelings are.
I am getting therapy (and one of the main reasons I joined this forum) to seek answers and help in coping and dealing with it. Have you talked to any counselors-OR-when he is calm and not upset, tried to talk these things out?
It's a hell we live with sometimes, we're all here for you to talk to tho.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

He is an abuser and is emotionally manipulating you so that he can continue his abuse.

I would leave this type of relationship. It's going to get worse, and much more dangerous.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Caligyrl, I tried talking to him when he was in a loving and good mood and he just says "I will be better for you, I promise. I won't lie to you."I used to believe his promises and always give him a second chance but now his 50th promise sounds a little phony.
Thank you for the support!
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Old 02-21-2012, 08:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Next time he says he will be better to you and promises, ask him how he plans to do that. What steps will he take to be a better husband?

And hold him to it.

I am still concerned since he has physically abused you in the past.
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Old 02-21-2012, 08:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Well he thinks I am the one who is abusive! He thinks I always start everything and It is impossible to prove him wrong. I think he never felt sorry for anything. Sometimes I doubt if he can feel anything at all.
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Old 02-21-2012, 08:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

You really need to sort this matter out before it gets even more out of control. You have only been married for 6months this is the time that you are supposed to be enjoying marriage bliss. Not having the worrys and stress of a marriage yet, isnt there a relationship support group that you could go to sometimes they are free depending on your circumstances. You shouldnt put up with this I think you should call his bluff if he says he wants a divorce again and say fine sort it out then because you are sick and tired of hearing his crap. See what happens from there I think because you have let him get away with it, he sees it as though he can get away with saying it all the time
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Old 02-21-2012, 09:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Everything you describe are the typical signs of abuse. You just don't know you are being abused because he doesn't beat up on you all the time. But, there are many different types of abuse, and you are experiencing emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. They all fall under the definition of domestic violence right along with physical and sexual abuse. And, the emotional, mental, and verbal kinds are just as bad as if he beats and rapes you. In fact, what you are going through is often considered even worse than if he beats you because you continue to suffer the emotional scars and post traumatic syndrome for the rest of your life.

I know you think he loves you. I know how he makes you feel when he says things like you are his happiness. But all of that is only stated to make you stick around and keep taking all the terrible things he does and says.

I know you feel awful when he says he wants a divorce. But you have to recognize his manipulation when he also tries to make you think you need him so badly. All of it is to make you stick around so he can keep on abusing you.

He is very typical in all of this. It feels awful to you because you love him and cannot imagine why he treats you so badly if he loves you the way he says he does. But he tricked you into falling in love with him. His awful behaviors seemed sudden to you because the relationship did not start out that way, but there was nothing sudden about his tactics. He targeted you and played you like the instruments that you play. You would not have fallen for him if he constantly did these awful things when you first met. He knew he could not hook you with his meaness, so he hooked you in by "treated me very good and he did everything he could to make me happy" and made himself seem like "the best man that I could ever wish for." You were targeted by an abusive and controlling man. It's exactly the same kind of thing Bernie Madoff did to all the people he swindled. They were his victims, and you were your husband's victim.

Everything he did and the way he went about it are the same for all abusers, and the women ALWAYS fall for it, so you don't have to feel alone. I'm sure that more than anything you are feeling very confused and simply cannot explain his behaviors. Don't even try because there is no explanation. Other posters suggested you and he should talk, but talking is pointless. He will apologize and tell you how much he loves you, and then he will turn back into himself soon enough. I know you feel he flipped the script on you, but all the kindness is when he flipped the script and should have won an academy award. You just didn't know the real him.

A really great article to read is Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong. This will tell you all about your husband.

There are many, many books and articles on abusive men and abusive relationships. You can read any of the articles here to help you understand the dynamics of abuse.

Last edited by River1977; 02-21-2012 at 09:20 PM.
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Wow..you described my hubby there. He was the most romantic, loving sweetest man I had ever known. He flew to the east coast to 'drive' me to the west coast to begin life with him. As soon as we got here-things changed, and yes-he's thrown things including his wedding ring. He's never hit me, but I think the verbal abuse is just as bad-and truthfully hurts worse. Promises do begin to sound phony after awhile-because they really are.
That book looks like a good one.
I wish you the best of luck Want. I know how much you hurt. HUGS!!
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hurts me so much

Happy,

Your story is so classic for an abusive relationship. The abuser is usually very good while dating. Once they marry and 'have you trapped' they turn to abuse.

Watch out for something that seems too good to be true, it probably is.

There is a good book about this: "Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why" by Susan Forward,Joan Torres

If you read the book you will see your life with this man played out.

You need to go to individual counseling because you need to find your strenght.

When he yells a you, calls you names, etc do not respond to him. Just tell him to stop. Put up your hand in a stop sign and firmly tell him STOP. Then say "I'm going to go somewhere quiet and give you the room to calm down."

If he follows you, tell him to stop again. If he keeps at it and especially if he puts a hand on you call the police.
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I dated a man after my first marriage. get out now. He went back to drinking he apparently was an alcoholic before we met. Huge problems he had abused me. I had to get a restraining order followed me. If they hit you once they will again. The one time he hit me drunk I almost hit my head on the wood table that was it for me. I had two kids in bed asleep and they needed a mom. He could have killed me.
qoute:When he yells a you, calls you names, etc do not respond to him. Just tell him to stop. Put up your hand in a stop sign and firmly tell him STOP. Then say "I'm going to go somewhere quiet and give you the room to calm down."

If he follows you, tell him to stop again. If he keeps at it and especially if he puts a hand on you call the police.


when they are fired up and drunk telling them to stop or just leave dont work. walking out of the room they follow you. leave for your safety.
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Old 02-21-2012, 11:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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This guy is an abusive jerk, who was probably raised to treat women like crap. Guys like that can say whatever they want, and unless caught with something credible,will usually say what you want to hear and try to confuse and mindf&*$ you.

My current gf (whom I'm having major problems with now) dated guys like your husband almost exclusively, in fact, shes out with one EXACTLY like your husband right now.

IMO, I would cut your losses with him, I think deep down, you know you shouldn't be in that environment, its not healthy and eventually leads to worse things.

As such a talented person, you should be happy with someone else you has similar talents as you.

You describe yourself as everything I wish my current gf had. I'm a musician, but I barely play my instruments. You deserve someone more...respectful.
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Old 02-26-2012, 04:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I too feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. People like your husband are great manipulators and can turn things around to where you think you are the problem. I was raised by a very verbally abusive father. The things he said to us kids were so awful, I don't want anything to do with him to this day.

When I went to therapy for anxiety attacks, I stood up for my father's abuse. I said, "it was the 70's, there was a huge recession, he hated his job, so he came home and took his anger out on us kids. Truly, HE DID THE BEST HE COULD." When I said those last words, my therapists head exploded. THE BEST HE COULD EH? she said. DOES HE CALL PEOPLE IN STORES HORRIBLE NAMES? DOES HE VERBALLY ABUSE YOU KIDS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? The answer was NO he only abused us in private and never spoke to others outside the family like that. So she said THEN HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE WAS NOT DOING THE BEST HE COULD. HE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG SINCE HE DOESN'T LASH OUT AT STRANGERS OR IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

Your husband sweeping you off your feet when you met is like a lie. He knows how to behave like a gentleman, he knows how to be loving, he has proved it. It's like he knew in his soul he was evil and had to "act" in order to win your love. Once he won it, the true him came out. I imagine my father's heart rotted and black with maggots. I'll bet your husband has a black heart as well. It sounds like he is mentally ill. You cannot reason with someone who is mentally ill as you have found out. He feels powerful because he can manipulate how you feel from day to day. Inside, he might hate himself. He may have been abused. There are so many things that could be going on here it makes my head spin.

There should be an automatic annulment law if your spouse changes drastically within one year after marriage. You married a ghost, a fantasy, a lie. You would never have married him if he acted the way he does now. This is a time in your life where you are going to see just how strong you really are. You are going to do what is best for you and move on and be happy. You will be more knowledgable and you will never let someone treat you like that again. At first you will be wary of anyone who tries to woo you, that is natural, but your current husband? He is off his rocker. If you leave, do you think he will stalk you? Will he let you go? If he views you as property, you may have an uphill battle.

Eventually, the resentment towards him will grow so great you will fall out of love with him. He may or may not notice, but he will be surprised. Abusers always act the victim when confronted or when their taunts no longer work as they used to.

You shouldn't have to live like this. You are vital and talented and kind. There are all kinds of men and women in the forum who feel your pain, you are among friends. Thank you for sharing your story, I only hope that something that someone says to you in here hits home and helps you cope. In the end, the decision is yours.
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