General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
Might be time to take control over your life and make your own decisions, not only because it's the healthy thing to do, but also because it's the fair thing to do. Don't put the entire decision on whether your marriage survives on your wife.
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
After reading the thread over again, I have to wonder if she is simply using all this to control you to some extent. But in terms of your final paragraph, why do you have to wait for her to decide all that? If you could live with either one at this point, why don't you figure out what you really want and make it happen? You can't just wait for her to make up her mind given that you have little leverage over her.
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
Some aren't sure what they want, but they are almost sure it isn't you. They'll make your life miserable in the hope you'll finally blow and do the dirty work for them. You get pissed off and file for D and they become the hard done by spouse.....
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
This is why I suggested that you start taking care of yourself. She can't or won't do that right now, so you need to. Work on yourself and give her space while you are doing it. Be out of the house a couple of evenings and take the kids out on the weekends. Take care of your share of the household, but start looking out for yourself. It will cool things down, was well as give her space and a look into life with out you.
It will also help reduce the resentment by avoiding an unbalanced relationship. It is human nature to get resentful when one person is doing all the work and the other still gets the benefits. You doing less work will help reduce your resentment.
Again, not being mean or nasty, just backing off and looking after you. Go have fun and be a fun person. If she asks, just tell her that you are giving her space and looking after yourself since she can't do that right no.
This is why I suggested that you start taking care of yourself. She can't or won't do that right now, so you need to. Work on yourself and give her space while you are doing it. Be out of the house a couple of evenings and take the kids out on the weekends. Take care of your share of the household, but start looking out for yourself. It will cool things down, was well as give her space and a look into life with out you.
It will also help reduce the resentment by avoiding an unbalanced relationship. It is human nature to get resentful when one person is doing all the work and the other still gets the benefits. You doing less work will help reduce your resentment.
Again, not being mean or nasty, just backing off and looking after you. Go have fun and be a fun person. If she asks, just tell her that you are giving her space and looking after yourself since she can't do that right no.
This is good advice for me to follow too. thank you.
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
God, you and I are so alike. It sounds like you are reading my thoughts from 1.5 years ago. You are not masculine. Get some mentors. Start getting serious about why you are here. Dump the PS3 and the drinking. Time to redefine yourself. Most likely, she will come around once you LEAD by changing first. Some women are more stubborn than others because of their wounds or upbringing. (mine is as stubborn as a mule) Don't wait for her to decide anything. You start making yourself into the man you always wanted to be in every other part of your life. DON'T YOU SEE THE PRESSURE SHE IS UNDER WITH YOU WANTING TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS??????
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
Maybe informing her that you're starting on divorce proceedings might snap her out of this ambivalence and then you'd really know what she wants. You could always halt the divorce if she begins pitching in to fix the marriage? However you need concrete action to show her that you're content with living without her at this point.
Thank you. Limbo is the worse part. I feel as if she just doesn't want to deal with her emotions so she leaves me hanging. I can't understand how she is not sympathetic to the pain she is causing me. She just operates as if nothing is wrong unless I bring up the relationship or try to show her affection (both of which I have stopped but I am still obsessed with the situation).
Addressing the post before yours, she is 33 and I really don't think there is any indication of OM. She even told her mom that I had asked her that and then said "I haven't been hit on by anyone since before we were married". She also told her toxic friend "he asked me if I was cheating on him, can you believe that?"
Have you talked to her mother? Have you read "His Needs Her Needs"?
Shes an athlete, runs teams etc. very alpha. You do the house work and other girl stuff. She may not conciously even realize it. The worse part is she is a prime candidate for being a target for an alpha male.
Since she wants space and she's a Sahm, go over the housework with her and make a list of what she has to do and you will do. You should not be doing more than 25% of it.
Then you have time to go to the gym, fishing,golfing etc. Up your sex rank now. If your wife isn't into video games she probaly thinks you look like a wienie.
Where do they go after the soccer games? I don't know how many affairs I've seen revolving around team sports. My brother kicked his first wife out after catching her with the softball coach.
I feel for you Paulination. I heard that wishy washy stuff from my wife for many months before her EA officially started and she ended up going off the deep end. My attitude towards her was much the same as yours. She was young when we were married, from her mothers house to mine, and I sheltered her because I cared so much. That sheltering in the long run is damaging, because it puts this expectation on you that everything must go alright or you fail her. It also puts an unrealistic expectation on your wife that her life is going to be all roses and cinnamon buns and she will never have struggles in her life.
It's very similar to what would happen if you shelter, coddle, and baby a child, they grow up spoiled and rotten.
After I got my balls back, and I spent some time on TAM, reading about divorces and infidelity and walk-away wives and in-home separations, I realized how much of a dumba$$ I was before. The more wishy washy she got, the more I tried to be the super hero. It's totally the wrong way to go. The correct response is the opposite, even though it is much harder to do and runs contrary to our personality type. The correct response breaks the addiction of needing to feel needed by our spouse. The correct response, if she wants to "find herself" and she "isn't sure what to do," is to politely, lovingly, tell her she is not welcome in your home anymore until she is committed to being married to you 100%. That means that she works to your needs and not just her needs.
Get serious about separating/divorcing. Get serious about moving on. Get serious about living your life without her.
One of two things will happen: she'll stay wishy washy and chase happiness in all the wrong places, you will be in a much better place to move on and find a successful relationship and save yourself months, maybe years, of effort and pain hoping she changes. Or her ass will snap back into reality so fast you won't know what hit her.
Best time to do it is now, otherwise you're just wasting time till one of you has an affair or you slowly die from apathy and disappointment.
I feel for you Paulination. I heard that wishy washy stuff from my wife for many months before her EA officially started and she ended up going off the deep end. My attitude towards her was much the same as yours. She was young when we were married, from her mothers house to mine, and I sheltered her because I cared so much. That sheltering in the long run is damaging, because it puts this expectation on you that everything must go alright or you fail her. It also puts an unrealistic expectation on your wife that her life is going to be all roses and cinnamon buns and she will never have struggles in her life.
It's very similar to what would happen if you shelter, coddle, and baby a child, they grow up spoiled and rotten.
After I got my balls back, and I spent some time on TAM, reading about divorces and infidelity and walk-away wives and in-home separations, I realized how much of a dumba$$ I was before. The more wishy washy she got, the more I tried to be the super hero. It's totally the wrong way to go. The correct response is the opposite, even though it is much harder to do and runs contrary to our personality type. The correct response breaks the addiction of needing to feel needed by our spouse. The correct response, if she wants to "find herself" and she "isn't sure what to do," is to politely, lovingly, tell her she is not welcome in your home anymore until she is committed to being married to you 100%. That means that she works to your needs and not just her needs.
Get serious about separating/divorcing. Get serious about moving on. Get serious about living your life without her.
One of two things will happen: she'll stay wishy washy and chase happiness in all the wrong places, you will be in a much better place to move on and find a successful relationship and save yourself months, maybe years, of effort and pain hoping she changes. Or her ass will snap back into reality so fast you won't know what hit her.
Best time to do it is now, otherwise you're just wasting time till one of you has an affair or you slowly die from apathy and disappointment.
So how do I process this???? Last night my wife and I went to bed at about 11 which is normal for me but early for her (remember she doesn't have to get up early).
I wake up at 1:30 to her typing away on her laptop. I look at her and she looks at me and says "what??" very defensively. I put my head down and she continues to type. I look again and she says "what??" So I ask her what she is doing so late. She says "I can't sleep". I ask her what she is typing and she makes some lame excuse about typing a response to a friends e-mail to her. I could tell though she was having a conversation with someone.
I ask her to show me the e-mail and she flips out. 1:30 in the am, I have to be up at 6:30 and now I have drama. She closes her laptop and tells me that she is going to finish answering messages in the next room.
She comes back a few minutes later, puts the laptop down and storms out.
Obviously I think the worse the next morning and check out her activity and come to find out, she was having a perfectly benign conversation with a male fellow soccer fan that I have no problem with.
She was obviously trying to hide the fact that she was talking with him so late at night but here was nothing in their conversation that was the least bit inapropriate. On top of that, even though I have some beta traits, this guy makes me look like alpha male extroidenaire so I am not threatened whatsoever either physically or mentally.
Why would she feel the need to hide this from me?
Now for the capper. When she was pissed and took the computer out of the room, she was changing her password to make sure I couldn't find out what she was doing (she previously has told me the password and probably remembered doing so). Know what the new pasword is?????
fu<koffphd. PHD are my initials. Ofcourse I am not supposed to be able to see this so I don't know what to make of it. I think my wife has problems. You can't make this stuff up.
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Re: When the Pain Turns to Anger 
