General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Paulination- Please stop reading her stuff. Now, that you know there is no affair, stop. She is wearing a mask. I saw the same crap you are seeing. My wife's mask did not come off until we got into a month of weekly therapy. Once the truth about her "feelings" came out, it was shut down time.
She has tons of fears and what she is trying to do is keep you placated until she figures out what to do. She is ok having sex because, well, sex can be fun once you get into it. However, once the mask comes off, and she verbalizes those interior feelings to you, most likely the sex will shut down. You just have to keep on your path and just work on you. Sure, be nice to her, be friends and coparents with her. Hell, take her out and screw her brains out. But, just know that she is evaluating inside and playing a game of poker.
My wife said the other day (two weeks ago)that she is still "miserable" and still "wants" me to move out, and she "wants" a divorce. I say, "Ok, file the paperwork, and I will sign it." Two weeks ago. Not another word has been spoken about it. In fact, she is strangely nice to me. I'm not falling for it. I moving on with me. Working hard to become the best me possible while I'm still in difficult circumstances. Because if I can do it in this environment, I can handle anything within a relationship when all is said and done.
Your wife does feel trapped. You take care of her, and losing that security is a scary proposition.
Paulination- Please stop reading her stuff. Now, that you know there is no affair, stop. She is wearing a mask. I saw the same crap you are seeing. My wife's mask did not come off until we got into a month of weekly therapy. Once the truth about her "feelings" came out, it was shut down time.
She has tons of fears and what she is trying to do is keep you placated until she figures out what to do. She is ok having sex because, well, sex can be fun once you get into it. However, once the mask comes off, and she verbalizes those interior feelings to you, most likely the sex will shut down. You just have to keep on your path and just work on you. Sure, be nice to her, be friends and coparents with her. Hell, take her out and screw her brains out. But, just know that she is evaluating inside and playing a game of poker.
My wife said the other day (two weeks ago)that she is still "miserable" and still "wants" me to move out, and she "wants" a divorce. I say, "Ok, file the paperwork, and I will sign it." Two weeks ago. Not another word has been spoken about it. In fact, she is strangely nice to me. I'm not falling for it. I moving on with me. Working hard to become the best me possible while I'm still in difficult circumstances. Because if I can do it in this environment, I can handle anything within a relationship when all is said and done.
Your wife does feel trapped. You take care of her, and losing that security is a scary proposition.
I agree but am definitely not certain. Looks like she's playing you. She's confiding in the only person she knows she can depend on not to rat her out, accidently or otherwise. Thats why she doesn't want you around her friend, enough to start lying about it.
Hop you're printing this stuff off. Sooner or later your going to have to confront this situation.
Keep following her emails and keep working on yourself if only for your next relationship. Do not keep talking about your relationship as long as she is trashing it to any other people. Be nice and wonderful but in a way she doesn't think you are being fooled or are on board with her. When she tells you things are ok and you see her writing the opposite just act like you don't think she is telling the truth. Like you can tell when she is lying.
""I don't feel the same way about him, something is missing, I feel trapped, I can't/won't go anywhere because he'll give me the third degree, benn pretending the last 3 to 4 years, can't take much more...." "
I mean this says it all. She just can't figure a way out.
:When she tells you things are ok and you see her writing the opposite just act like you don't think she is telling the truth. Like you can tell when she is lying.
This is what I have been doing. I figure out a way to bring up some of the garbage she has written under the guise that I "sense" this or that is an issue and she becomes extremely defensive, assures me she doesn't feel that way and wants to know "where is this coming from". She then starts crying blah, blah, blah .... and it is almost all I can do not to laugh at the hysterics. Sick dynamic, not my doing.
Where is it coming from? It is coming from her just writing it a half hour ago. She has a poker face to. She's in there smiling away and typeing this crap which is another reason I think it is crap.
This is what I have been doing. I figure out a way to bring up some of the garbage she has written under the guise that I "sense" this or that is an issue and she becomes extremely defensive, assures me she doesn't feel that way and wants to know "where is this coming from". She then starts crying blah, blah, blah .... and it is almost all I can do not to laugh at the hysterics. Sick dynamic, not my doing.
Where is it coming from? It is coming from her just writing it a half hour ago. She has a poker face to. She's in there smiling away and typeing this crap which is another reason I think it is crap.
Do you mean she doesn't believe what she's writing to her friend or you don't believe what she's telling you? Good poker face is a nice way to say she can lie with a sraight face. That makes her a hard case thats well practiced at lying.
It's hard to say what someone's motivation for not being honest is. If I'm being honest, I did the same thing to my wife, still do sometimes (it's something I have to work on). I'll be pissed off or disappointed or depressed about my marriage in some way, and not wanting to upset her, I'll just tell her nothing's wrong.
Before her EA, I would do similar stuff to a friend that your wife is doing. Say how miserable I was but tell my wife everything was fine.
I have no idea what motivation your wife has for saying this stuff to her friend, but you better believe she means it. I can think of 1000 reasons someone would hide their sad feelings from their spouse, but I can't think of any reasons why someone would lie about how horrible they feel about their marriage if they didn't.
I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Play it cool. Work on yourself. See if she starts to come around. But DEFINITELY be on the lookout for other guys to come in the picture. Her mental attitude is ripe for being swept away in the fairy tales of an affair.
And for the love of God don't give up your hand. You're doing it exactly right, don't let her know you know what's going on.
I want to agree with what the guys have said above. Also, though you're right not to assume an EA, I want to reiterate your need to be careful that she doesn't head in that direction. Just because soccer guy wasn't someone she was interested in doesn't mean she wasn't thinking about cheating, which is common in the kinds of contexts you've described for us here. My wife got close with a guy who sounds a lot like soccer guy, somebody I wouldn't have ever worried about. But that just meant she wouldn't cheat with him. Not that she wouldn't cheat. She admitted all this much later and basically said she may have cheated had the OM been more worth it. Point is, a lot of the problems that occur in marriage can lead to the affair-having mindset, and she only needs the right guy (or even the right opportunity with the wrong guy) for something to happen.
I don't know why she embellishes our problems with this friend. I feel as if she simply enjoys the drama and feels confident she can be that way with her and not have it come back on her. I could be wrong but definatley not in denial.
She can be talking about how she is pretending in the relationship while I am walking through the room with her smiling at me. Then I find a way to call her on it and here come the water works as she desperately tries to convince me that it is all in my head.
As far as MC, she went once by herself, my first appointment is coming up and then we'll go together.
BTW, she's called me three times today to chat about basic stuff for the first time in two months.
You need to keep on the track you're on HARD. I think she's starting to snap out of her nonsense and beginning to realise that there's so much someone can put up with. I want to tell you to call her out on the stuff she's saying about you but that would make you look like you've been spying on her but it's definitely BS that she's doing this, I wouldn't put up with it to be honest.
We've had a beautiful evening tonight. Went to our 6 year olds baseball game and had a nice comraderie with other parents. Had nachos, a couple of laughs and picked up pizza on the way home. Still not out of the woods I'm sure but certainly a nice diversion from where we have been.
The last thing I want to do tonight is fight and I haven't been able to say that for a long time.
I don't think fighting is in the 180 or MAP is it? You don't save a marriage by fighting. Thats the last thing you should be doing unless you're just trying to run her off. It takes two to fight and you don't have to respond to anothers barbs. Be above that, be strong.
We've had a beautiful evening tonight. Went to our 6 year olds baseball game and had a nice comraderie with other parents. Had nachos, a couple of laughs and picked up pizza on the way home. Still not out of the woods I'm sure but certainly a nice diversion from where we have been.
The last thing I want to do tonight is fight and I haven't been able to say that for a long time.
Wow. Well, you know where to start. Remove your expectations of her and work on the friendship and be coparents. Somewhere in your marriage, you lost a connection and it starts with the friendship. But, take this for what it is, a moment. Be thankful for it and move on.
We have these "moments" frequently. I used to get excited about them. However, when you do your expectations for her to change become higher. No expectations of her, but high expectations for you. That is how you become the best you possible.
I don't know why she embellishes our problems with this friend. I feel as if she simply enjoys the drama and feels confident she can be that way with her and not have it come back on her. I could be wrong but definatley not in denial.
She can be talking about how she is pretending in the relationship while I am walking through the room with her smiling at me. Then I find a way to call her on it and here come the water works as she desperately tries to convince me that it is all in my head.
As far as MC, she went once by herself, my first appointment is coming up and then we'll go together.
BTW, she's called me three times today to chat about basic stuff for the first time in two months.
You really think it's embellishing? How condescending of you.
Your wife indeed wants out. She has no job, no way to support herself or her child on her own though, so that makes that dream a little out of reach doesn't it? She's not just telling her friend these things about you to pass the time or entertain herself. I think it's pompous of you to think she's not serious. She's very good at hiding how she feels from you and deflecting (waterworks when pressed). You would be good at it too if you knew you had no other options but to tolerate what you have instead of run away with garbage bags full of your clothes to live god knows where.
Bottom line is, you want this marriage and she doesn't. She can pretend and fake it till she makes it as long as she needs to. Woe to you the day when she figures out how to do it and not have to depend on you to help her in any way. She's been trying to figure out a way for 3 or 4 years now. Someone who works that hard on looking for an escape finds one.
You really think it's embellishing? How condescending of you.
Your wife indeed wants out. She has no job, no way to support herself or her child on her own though, so that makes that dream a little out of reach doesn't it? She's not just telling her friend these things about you to pass the time or entertain herself. I think it's pompous of you to think she's not serious. She's very good at hiding how she feels from you and deflecting (waterworks when pressed). You would be good at it too if you knew you had no other options but to tolerate what you have instead of run away with garbage bags full of your clothes to live god knows where.
Bottom line is, you want this marriage and she doesn't. She can pretend and fake it till she makes it as long as she needs to. Woe to you the day when she figures out how to do it and not have to depend on you to help her in any way. She's been trying to figure out a way for 3 or 4 years now. Someone who works that hard on looking for an escape finds one.
Absolutely. That is why I emphasize wholeheartedly that YOU need to become new. It starts NOW. Work on you as hard as you can. That way, she starts to see the new you and then can choose to reengage in the marriage or walk when she does figure out how to do it. At that time, though, it is HER decision. SHE has to live with the fact that she didn't take responsibility for her part in the relationship. She will have to tell the kids, "Mommy just wanted out." While you, will be able to tell your kids, "I did everything I could, and you can point to things that you did." You will create a legacy for yourself with your children. They will see honor and courage in you instead of just a "divorce because mommy and daddy grew apart". Becoming a better person and enjoying life more is more pressure on her than you can ever imagine.
The bottom line is, she needs to choose what she wants. If she chooses you, you guys can make it and develop the marriage. If not, she is setting herself up for a life full of regret. I am unwilling to give ultimatums in my marriage. That is NOT LOVE. It is selfishness. This is about legacy and the kind of legacy you want to leave to your children and grandchildren. Your wife has forgotten what love is and how to do it. It's time you showed her, by loving--------you.
You really think it's embellishing? How condescending of you.
Your wife indeed wants out. She has no job, no way to support herself or her child on her own though, so that makes that dream a little out of reach doesn't it? She's not just telling her friend these things about you to pass the time or entertain herself. I think it's pompous of you to think she's not serious. She's very good at hiding how she feels from you and deflecting (waterworks when pressed). You would be good at it too if you knew you had no other options but to tolerate what you have instead of run away with garbage bags full of your clothes to live god knows where.
Bottom line is, you want this marriage and she doesn't. She can pretend and fake it till she makes it as long as she needs to. Woe to you the day when she figures out how to do it and not have to depend on you to help her in any way. She's been trying to figure out a way for 3 or 4 years now. Someone who works that hard on looking for an escape finds one.
Wow, I don't know where to start with this. First off for someone who knows NOTHING about my marriage you seem to have it all figured out.
Call me condescending, pompous, an a$$ whatever you wish but at the very least I am a loving husband trying to make my marriage work and save my family. I have been doing everything to that end wether it is through conventional means, nefarios means or otherwise. I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and will respond as such regardless of negative doomsday predictions from you or any other.
My wife would be an absolute FOOL to give up on me, the life I have provided and the future we will inherit. You have no way of knowing that I understand so take it at face value. If she does leave, then the problem is hers not mine and I will move on smiling which I am prepared to do as well.
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Re: When the Pain Turns to Anger 
