Paulination

She's really being a piece of work today. Just snapping about everything. It is diffucult to stay calm and not let it escallate which is how I would have previously handled it.

Complexity

Putting this all on a thyroid problems and depression might be a little short sighted in my opinion. The two shouldn't necessarily cause this amount of anger and resentment to be deflected onto your significant other, especially for this prolonged period without any respite. As you've ruled out infidelity, I'm beginning to think this is a person who's gotten too "comfortable" in this marriage and has begun to take what you do to her for granted. I wouldn't be surprised if people looking from the outside would say that you do too much.

I really don't know what to say because it appears you're the one that's doing all the heavy lifting while she's being content with carrying on this hostile demeanour. For your peace of mind I would wait until the doctor's appointment to rule out any medical issues but after that I suggest you have serious talk about where this marriage should go.

LostWifeCrushed

"Up until one month ago I thought everything in my marriage was fine. My wife is a SAHM with her hobbies and we have two kids. Suddenly one night she seems sad and I ask her about it and she tells me, reluctantly that she is not happy. I probe her for the reasons and I get two reletively minor complaints which I rectified immediately.
She suggested an "in home seperation" and I reluctanly agreed because I can't force her to change her feelings.
She does not want a divorce and she wants time to "fix" her feelings for me which are "I still love you but something is missing" and "I just don't feel the same as I used to". She also informed that she has lost her sex drive."

Some of these things you took back later and mentioned you "assumed" this is what she meant...

You also seem to have a lot of "support" here from people telling you to cut her off, etc. Didn't you say you have 2 children together? You "agreed" to an in house separation because you "can't change how she feels". Why would you agree to it if it wasn't what you wanted? Why didn't you tell her you thought that was extreme and avoiding each other wasn't the solution?

You seem to be hung up on the fact that you are trying and she isn't doing enough. Tell her what you need from her. Stop trying to rule out the physical problem before you play "hardball". What if the problem is mental/emotional?

She is shutting down from you. She is closing you out. You seem to be mad at her for venting her frustration online (fb), but you allow yourself to do it here when you can't stand it.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to find out why she does not emotionally trust you anymore. And I really wish people would realize that taking care of 2 children IS A JOB.

I am not excusing her behavior, at all. She is not coping in a healthy or productive way. Put your foot down but do it with compassion. Tell her she needs to make repairing the marriage her number one priority in order for you to stay together. Don't let her tell you anything to the contrary. No excuses. If she fails to respond, put a separation agreement in front of her.

tiredwife&sahm

Could it be that being a SAHM has something to do with this? Reason I say this is because I am a SAHM. I have 4 little ones and I never feel that my husband values what I do. I feel no one values what mothers do. I've been out of the workforce for 6 years. I have tried desperately to get a job and no one will hire me. Not to mention that because I'm the primary care taker I will be the one having to work my schedule around my family and not vice versa so that makes getting a job even harder. It's depressing cause I feel like I have no sense of direction or purpose right now. Maybe she is frustrated with her life and where its going or the lack of going anywhere.

Paulination

So we went to the doctor today about the thyroid and as far as symptoms go, she only mentions not being able to lose weight. I chime in and tell doc "there are other things". Shes lost interest in all of her hobbies, no sex drive etc..the emotional side of hormonal imbalance and such so doc orders a bevy of tests which is what I wanted.

Get home, wife is bugged, I ask why and it is because I brought up the other stuff to doc. And BTW, she says she still has a sex drive but just doesn't want sex with me right now. I thought about this possibility so I positioned her vibrator in a way that it would be obvious if she used it over a month ago and it hasn't been touched.

So please help me clarify what I should do.

The situation:
There is no EA or PA (I have thoroughly investigated)
Wife is not happy, has lost something for me.
She is a SAHM
Says she doesn't want a divorce but needs time to work on her feelings.
It has been 1 1/2 months.

Me, have adressed her concerns and been working on bettering myself (working out, reading books on marriage and No More Mr Nice Guy).

There was no overt action that preceded this and it was a total surprise to me.

My biggest problem I've been having is trying not to talk about it since it always gets ugly.

Her mom thinks I should just lay low and give her time. My wife thinks I should just give her time.

Is that the answer? Is a 180 the answer?

I'm am not going to live like this forever and I most certainly won't stay in a sexless marriage.

You guys have given me alot of great advice and it is time to take some of it so help bring it home again, what would you do in my shoes.

bandit.45

I would say do the 180. What can it hurt? It's not like she gives a crap about your feelings anyway. She's not putting forth any effort at all and you're spinning your wheels. I think its time to take the focus off her and start focusing on your needs.

Start making plans, start packing your stuff into boxes, get rid of crap you don't need, so that on the day you do decide to leave her sorry a*s you'll have most of the work already done.

She'll see you doing this and ask you what you are up to. Say nothing. Just keep making plans: look for a new crib, get out and make some new friends, join a health club and stay there during the evenings.

Quit being so damn available for her. Let her pursue you and see where that takes things.

Dedicated2Her

6 weeks??? Ha, that's nothing when dealing with SAHM depression. Try 1.5 years.
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Complexity

Give her more time, focus on the 180 and yourself. Don't ask her about herself, how she's feeling or any of that. You both clearly get irritated by this. I don't think you should terminate your marriage after only 1 1/2 months in limbo. At least if all turns out to be hopeless in the end, you can say you did everything possible to keep your family together.

MEM11363

Paul,

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

How much of "this" was going on before she told you she doesn't love you.

Paulination

She hasn't said she doesn't love me, that said, I am embarrased to say that this has been my relationship over the last few years to a T.

I really needed to read that. It clarifies everything. It even lessens the anger a little because it looks like I trained her to be this way.

I took it for granted that she would never leave me because she has no job etc.... but she obviously believes the same thing in me so she can pull back and be cruel without the threat of me ever leaving.

MEM11363

Paul,
Sorry - I meant to say she told you "she wasn't 'in love' with you". Big difference.

I have another post that will help you, but not until you get a handle on the "overheated" temperature in the house.

A couple quick things. I believe it is VERY hard to directly get yourself to love someone less. It is doable, but it typically takes a long, long time and is miserable. However it IS possible to completely shift your focus away from someone. The best ways to do that near term:
1. Ramp up your work schedule. Yes thats right, be home less. Focus on things at work that you excel at and do more of them.
2. Ramp up your exercise schedule. Ideally you would do this during the day so you get home even later. More work plus more exercise equals get home late most nights.
3. Take your child out with you on the weekend. Do not invite her, tell her you need one on one time with your kid.
4. There ARE no emergencies she needs your help with. If you disagree with this, then agree on a protocol. If she has a REAL emergency and you two should agree on what that is: medical, urgent, car accident, etc. she texts you 911 with a once sentence description of what has happened. So when she starts to try to get your attention, and she will, wait until your next meal is OVER before responding and do it in text and be brief. Ideally tell her "having a busy day will get back to you later" and then wait until you get home, and if she is angry because you put her off, just tell her "long day, not up for anything other than a friendly conversation, going to bed now" and sleep in the other room.
5. When home, be playful, friendly and fun to your CHILD, be polite and reserved with your W. Limit conversation to schedules and kid stuff and even then KEEP it SHORT
6. Do NOT get sucked into a relationship discussion. You are in NO STATE to have one. If she has something to say and can do so in a respectful manner, listen quietly and then say "anything else"? And go on about your day/night.

For now stay the heck away from other women. If you can stick with this routine for 90 days you will either see real change or you will realize your marriage is likely ending.

After you do this for a month, INCLUDING not responding every time she offers you a crumb to reassure herself you are still waiting for her to LET YOU RETURN TO KISSING HER A$$. BTW - that is a mutual problem, maybe even more yours than hers.

No matter what do not tolerate disrespectful comments or treatment. If that starts to happen just give her a look of disdain (like there is something wrong with her) and shake your head as you walk away and go in another room and shut the door between you. Do NOT SPEAK when she is being disrespectful. You need to learn to use body language and facial expressions and silence and indifference or you will never fix this.

Let me know when you have this part nailed and I will send you a detailed post on how to handle a very specific list of common bad behaviors.

Paulination

I have a question, the dynamic in the relationship thermostat is it intentional on her side or subconscious? Does her cold side happen as innocently as my warm side did?

I did not set out to become this way it just happened. I come from a family of affluence, am college educated, good looking and make decent money but I still fell into a pattern over the past 4 years of exactly what the thermometer says.

If you could rewind the clock you would find a 21 year old women kissing the ground I walk on. I guess she stopped doing that and my reaction was to disproportianly react accordingly the other way. I have had more clarity over my situation tonight then at any point since this began. It makes so much sence and resonates so well with my experience that it has got to be correct.

MEM11363

Over time - she had moments where she simply needed a cooler temperature. That was not a "calculated" thing at all. Simply a hardwired preference. When she pulled back a "little" to cool off you quite naturally worked harder at showing her love, which made her ever more anxious and desirous of space.

Her wanting a bit of space initially was not a ding on you, just a perference thing. If you had backed off and given her space, very likely she would have started feeling more desire to be with you in every sense of the word.

Simple example from about a year ago. My W was unhappy about lots of stuff. She told me she needed some space. In a very 'non-vindictive" way I started scheduling long weekend visits to see friends I hadn't seen in a long time. All guys - all totally harmless. After my 3 trip in about 6 weeks she told me she missed me and she meant it. I went back to our "normal" schedule at that point.

I told her during and after that period I was glad she told me she wanted/needed space. It was honest and it was important to her. And at that point in time it was also easy to fix.

ComicBookLady

I'm sorry that I didn't read all of the responses, so apologies if you've gotten this fixed already, but here's my opinion:

It sounds like you really love and care of your wife, and you want things fixed. I totally understand how you would now be feeling anger and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I do not agree that you should start playing "hardball" and do things like cutting off internet, and whatnot. To me, those seem petty actions, ones that do nothing but make the situation worse. You seem to want to make your wife to be appreciative for what she has, that's understandable. From your viewpoint she seems unaffected (I highly doubt she is) and you are the only one feeling awful. So under your viewpoint you feel she should at the very least appreciate the things you give her.

However, do you want your wife to appreciate the things you give her, or do you want your wife to love and respect you as your wife and partner once again? Rest assured, resorting to petty actions will only make her trust you less and cause resentment and anger, she will not appreciate you or her life more by doing those things.

To me it sounds like it could be a couple things. This is my first guess:

Your wife has been internally pushed away from years of miscommunication. She is not effectively feeling validated or heard by you. Even though you feel you really listen, men often skip the validation women need in favor of "fixing" the problems for them. This is miscommunication. Eventually over the years the woman feels unloved and uncared for. To make it worse, once children, work and daily routine enters the picture, there's less special nights between you two, you tend to forget to do the little things you used to do to make her feel special (little things go a LONG WAY with women) .

I could go into more detail with this, but you should read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The book explains that what women want more than anything is to feel "cherished" (on the other side, men want to feel "needed"). If women do not get that from their husband, they pull away over the years. She may have decided on this separation in an effort to get you to pursue her again, make her feel cherished and special like when you first met. She wants to feel like she matters to you. This is her attempt to spark you to finally see her pain and hopefully make you want to treat her special again. However, that does not work on men, so she isn't going to get what she wants. However if it is not this, then there's a chance the miscommunication between you two over the years has pushed her away too far away and her feeling for you are truly fading. If this is true, then (and only then) is divorce probably inevitable. But I am betting it's the former.

IF this is true (and really I have no idea if it is as I don't know you both, but it's my best guess as this happens a LOT in marriages) then it's up to you how to follow up. Do you have to put up with the separation? No, you can always walk away from your marriage. Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to find a way to work with her to do so. And shutting off internet is not one of those things.

My suggestions are to answer honestly and think about these things:

1. Do you let your wife just TALK? Really talk, with you listening, and not saying a word. Sometimes a woman needs this (and yes I say NEED, again read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus) Especially when she's upset. If you want to help her and make her feel validated, then truly let her talk and you listen for as long as she needs it. DON'T argue, even if she says something that makes you mad. Sit back, put your arm around her and really listen. And really you could try this today if you wanted. Maybe this is all she needs to get over whatever resentment and pain she's feeling towards you, and may move on with you past this separation.

Fair warning: what often happens is the woman will seem to get WORSE. She will get angrier, cry louder, get more upset. Do not react with anything other than love, let her get it out. Eventually she'll come back to herself, calm down and be okay. After that, not only is her stress and inner pain relieved, but she'll respect and appreciate you being there for her. You just gave her your undivided attention for as long as she needed it, you BET she feels cherished at this point!

2. Do you REALLY think she does nothing all day? Because that's how you make it sound. She's a SAHM with 2 kids, I highly doubt she does nothing all day. Even then, this is the agreement you both came to, if you feel unfairness or resentment towards her staying home, and treat her like she does nothing, you bet she does NOT feel cherished. Try looking at what she DOES do instead of what she doesn't and appreciate it.

3. When's the last time you did something nice for her? Buying her a divorce fix it book does not count. *I* know what you did by getting the book is considerate and loving, but she doesn't see it that way. Again you were tapping into your manly "fix it" nature and gave her a fix it book in tough times. That's not wrong, but it's not what she needs. Try buying her flowers, or saying something nice instead, clean the house a little for her, send her a card.... anything that makes her feel special. And do it often. The little things count for women.

4. Are you willing to try anything to save your marriage? If yes, then you need to be willing to get over your feelings of entitlement and pride. You are the one working, but that does not make you better than her. She is your partner in this marriage and family. Right now she is hurting badly whether she shows it or not, or whether you agree with her methods or not, and she is not letting you in for whatever reason. You need to find a way to help, and nothing else should matter right now.

None of this is saying she's is doing nothing wrong, I am sure she is too, but right now I'm only thinking of things YOU could do to help. However I believe you both are in the miscommunication tango and need to figure things out fast to be able to fix things and move on

Good luck, and sorry for the novel! Just want to help.

deejov

I didn't want to post this... as it may come across as too harsh.
But please take this as it is intended, as helpful and not critical.

I don't know your wife, but I would have taken all that you have done in the past few months as a bit controlling. Behavior changes in the past 1.5 months, and you are asking her to read books, go to counselling, and you even went with her to her dr's appt and spoke up. And she got mad about it. Almost like you demanded a reason, an answer, immediately. If she doesn't know the answer, you are providing it for her.

Just my opinion from the other side of the fence.

The more you seem to push her, it seems that she is pulling away even more and maybe she really does need some space. To make her own decisions.

Who wouldn't be frustrated? (I can easily see how these behavior changes would make a person upset) But keep a thought in mind.
You have offered her suggestions of how to fix her life.
Is it possible that she won't do them because you suggested them?