General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm frustrated. Why does my wife describe our situation to her FB friend in a different way then reality.
Tonight:
Friend: "anything better?"
wife: "eh, not really"
friend: "you sound concerned"
wife: "I know I should be but I am so frustrated. He wants to talk about it all of the time but I want space"
friend: "yeah they say they'll give it to you but they never do. I told Kirk that but he didn't listen and now he's divorced. Just sayin'"
They then go on to chat about "kirks" situation and stop talking about ours. I'm frustrated because I have given her as much space as she wants as far as I can tell. I have been working later, I normally play an hour on the PS 3 and I have stopped doing that because it would mean us being in the same room. I even pointed that out and she said "I never asked you not to be in here".
I have talked about the situation with her but it starts mutually with something she says. It then progresses into something ugly but the last time that happened was Monday. I am specificaly avoiding the topic of us even though she says things every so often that could easily be interpreted as a conversation starter.
I usually take a half day on Fridays and I specifically asked her in a genuine non-threatening way if she would prefer to have the afternoon to herself with our little girl and she said no, she wants me to take the half day (she said our daughter enjoys it when I come home).
Things seemed wierd today (friday) so after we picked up our son from school I told my wife I was going out for a while and she asked me why and I just said I needed to think and I left. I got my head on straight and came home smiling. She took our daughter to soccer practice and I took our son to baseball.
I have been home now for over an hour and a half and have done nothing more than say hi and have kept to myself in a different room. HOW AM I SMOTHERING HER!!!!
Why does she say things to her friend that just isn't true?
Sorry, dude.
Only thing I can say is that as a woman... I would be feeling like this:
She has the issue with you. She will talk to you when she is ready and willing to have a real discussion and turn it around. Not when you bring it up. Does that make sense? And she might have been referrring to Monday when talking to her friend. It's still stuck in her head. Does space to her mean let her do the talking, let her bring it up, let her come up with the solution?
Good for you for spending some solo time with your kids.
Take a month off from talking about the relationship with her. If she brings it up don't take it as an excuse to give her your side, just answer questions and listen. Men want to fix things. Your hearing her but your not understanding what she is saying. Work on yourself
You are coming across as needy,clingy,scared, no confidence etc. All the things that disgusts a woman.
Giving her space. Doesn't sound like she needs physical space as much as mental space. Just shut up. Give yourself a month long vacation from worry and be a man. Build up a little mystery.
Did you ever read Married Man Sex Life and the Man Up Posts?
The biggest thing you need to work on is self respect.
I'll stop reading when she tells ME what she needs. I don't hear this from her, I hear it when she tells someone else. Now that I know she feels this way still, I will amp up the space and will take the advice to absolutely not talk about it.
I have ordered the MMSL and just waiting for it to arrive.
Maybe from her perspective what she said to her friend is true - it's how it feels to her, even if that's not how it feels to you. If you have been smothering and overheating her for a long time, it may take some time before she feels like you aren't breathing down her neck.
I agree with the suggestion to have a moratorium from talking about the relationship for a period of time unless she specifically brings up the issues.
And, I believe that everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy even within marriage. The thing they should not be entitled to is secrets. If your wife found out that you were perusing her FB conversations, how do you think that would make her feel - maybe even more smothered?
If you have no reason to be suspicious of her fidelity (which is why you snooped in the first place), then get out of those conversations. Because that in and of itself is invading her space.
Don't tell her you are giving her space. Like bringing up the ps3 thing. Just do it. A little "Space" is good for both of you. She needs to process, and you need to change. Change on your own and let her process your changes. Don't bring them up. Stop talking about the relationship and trying to figure it out because you wont ever figure it out. Let her come to you when she wants to talk and don't say much back. Get a male friend that you can vent to that is reliable and trustworthy. You have to learn to stop being a man who gets his identity from her approval and start getting your identity from who you are as a man. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe from her perspective what she said to her friend is true - it's how it feels to her, even if that's not how it feels to you. If you have been smothering and overheating her for a long time, it may take some time before she feels like you aren't breathing down her neck.
I agree with the suggestion to have a moratorium from talking about the relationship for a period of time unless she specifically brings up the issues.
And, I believe that everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy even within marriage. The thing they should not be entitled to is secrets. If your wife found out that you were perusing her FB conversations, how do you think that would make her feel - maybe even more smothered?
If you have no reason to be suspicious of her fidelity (which is why you snooped in the first place), then get out of those conversations. Because that in and of itself is invading her space.
Have you been doing any IC on your own, Pauli?
Best wishes.
I haven't but my wife is scheduled to go on March 15, and then I'm going next.
I'll admit guys, I'm new at this. I'm 43, married 11 years and up until 1 1/2 months ago I thought everything was fine. I have inundated myself with information to understand my wife, my relationship and what I personally have done to create this problem.
Before this I knew nothing about Nice Guy syndrome, relationship thermometers, cooling down, heating up, smothering, space, clingyness, letting go, 180's, ILYBNILWY, EA's etc.....
I just thought I had a relationship with my wife that was good and not complicated.
The advice I get here feels so unatural in regards to how I must behave but in my heart I can see how it is correct. I never imagined I would be relocated to spying on my wife but she doesn't want to tell me what I need to know.
Paul, stop spying. It shows your insecurity and bleeds over into how you treat your wife. Trust me, I spied for over a year. Women can tell when you are being sneaky. Just stop. Be your own man and take care of you. Posted via Mobile Device
I think the ball is in her park now, you're just going to have to stop asking her about her problems. Give her the complete space. Marriage isn't a one person endeavour, she's going to have to pitch in if she wants to save it. You can't do it alone yourself.
I am definately not going to talk about the relationship for a long while. I forgot to mention that last night shortly after complaining that she was being smothered by me and needed space she comes out of the room and sits where I am and proceeds to talk my ears of in a very friendly manor for over an hour. We didn't talk about us at all which is good but what a mixed message. Though in her defense, she didn't know I read those things.
I probably know enough now to knock off the spying but I don't regret it as it has helped me get some insight as to what I'm dealing with.
Yes, spying is ok to verify no affair. We are in the same boat with the mixed messages. It is a roller coaster, but stay focused on you and increasing your abilities/looks/manhood. There will come a point when she starts to talk to you and pursues you. Mine has really just started to talk to me in a completely different way. When we started she was an 8 and I was a 4 as sex rank. It has taken massive work on my part and her losing her self a little but I am probably an 8 and she is a 7. Get massively fit, work hard on your daddy abilities, win the hearts even more of your children. Kick the ps3 to the curb. Read a ton. This will all eventually peak her interest and she will get a little "fear of loss" to kick the chemicals up. Posted via Mobile Device
I am definately not going to talk about the relationship for a long while. I forgot to mention that last night shortly after complaining that she was being smothered by me and needed space she comes out of the room and sits where I am and proceeds to talk my ears of in a very friendly manor for over an hour. We didn't talk about us at all which is good but what a mixed message. Though in her defense, she didn't know I read those things.
I probably know enough now to knock off the spying but I don't regret it as it has helped me get some insight as to what I'm dealing with.
Awesome If she keeps up this coming to talk to you thing, and she talks your ears off for a long time with you just listening and caring, I bet she'll gradually shift conversation to your relationship and finally open up. I bet you anything!
Awesome If she keeps up this coming to talk to you thing, and she talks your ears off for a long time with you just listening and caring, I bet she'll gradually shift conversation to your relationship and finally open up. I bet you anything!
I hope you are right. She threw our situation into a couple of unrelated conversations and I didn't bite. Just didn't even address her comment.
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Re: When the Pain Turns to Anger 
If she keeps up this coming to talk to you thing, and she talks your ears off for a long time with you just listening and caring, I bet she'll gradually shift conversation to your relationship and finally open up. I bet you anything!
