General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
"I'm frustrated. Why does my wife describe our situation to her FB friend in a different way then reality."
It is as real as anything could be. You just don't understand what she is telling you. Men and women have entirely different thought processes. I am never sure what I am hearing when a woman speaks. Plus you are expected to know things they don't tell you. The number one rule is "listen but don't try to fix it" Listen and answer questions just offer very very little.
I have another question. I have a FB acount that is used rarely and only to look for someone. My wife doesn't even realize it exists because I rarely go on it.
I said to her the other night that I was thinking about making FB a regular thing because I have old friends I have been thinking about. She got obviously taken back by this and said things like "I didn't think you liked FB and who are you trying to find", stuff like that which really came across as WTF are you up to?
At first it seemed I touched a nerve and really wanted to proceed but just before I did, I was wondering if this comes across as a desperate attemp to replicate what she does or invade some of her space that I have never been apart of. I abdolutely do not want to come across that way.
Paul, some advice. STOP reading into things. Just do your thing. I wasted over a year manipulating and trying to fix stuff. 2 months ago, I said screw it and totally focused on me. Tonight I planned an babysitter and we went out to dinner. At dinner she says,"You know it is hard for me to give compliments so really take this for what it is worth. This does not mean things are peachy or does it mean I don't want you to move or does it mean I don't want a divorce, but I have notice how much you have developed in your masculinity and It is really incredible.". This is HUGE for her to admit. Work on you. Raise your sex rank. Leave her be for a while. Posted via Mobile Device
she might think this is another attempt by you to snoop at what she's doing
or
she feels anxious that you might reconnect with old flames
Thats the problem, If she believes option A, I'm pathetic (in her eyes), if she belives option B, then I add a little mystery to it which is good.
I think I'm going to do it. I really do want to find friends or have an easier way to keep in touch with the ones I have so it really is not some strategy. She doesn't own FB and could hardly blame me for signing up. If it makes her a little insecure in the process, well that may be helpful but it is not my intent.
You know what, I have a huge problem with that. I do it at work to. The boss looked at me this way, or that way, what does it mean? I have got to get over that. I do it all the time and it makes me paranoid (not to a mental health level but still.
Thats the problem, If she believes option A, I'm pathetic (in her eyes), if she belives option B, then I add a little mystery to it which is good.
I think I'm going to do it. I really do want to find friends or have an easier way to keep in touch with the ones I have so it really is not some strategy. She doesn't own FB and could hardly blame me for signing up. If it makes her a little insecure in the process, well that may be helpful but it is not my intent.
You're walking on eggshells, I understand. Just do what you want to, you don't have to update her on every little thing like this. She finds out, she finds out.
You know what, I have a huge problem with that. I do it at work to. The boss looked at me this way, or that way, what does it mean? I have got to get over that. I do it all the time and it makes me paranoid (not to a mental health level but still.
Good advise.
Okay, maybe you do over analyze things.
What's the point in reading her FB? "When she tells ME what she needs"... hasn't it been made clear that she has been telling you what you needs, for the past 4 years, but you don't see it as an issue, thus it must be something else. That is mis communication.
Be practical. By your own account, you:
Play PS3 for an hour every night.
After 7, you have a few drinks to unwind.
You tend to fall asleep on the couch because you are really tired from work.
Are snappy with the kids.
Reaction: ZERO interaction with your wife in the evenings.
Here's the message you might send:
I'm not sooo tired that I need to go to bed. But your company is so un-stimulating that I can fall asleep while you are talking to me.
Alternative:
Announce you are going to bed at 730 pm and get some rest. So you don't fall asleep on the couch. Reaction: "my spouse sure is tired. Maybe there is something I can do to help".
Same with the PS3.
So maybe you are in rut. It's a habit. Take the advice given to you. Change your life. Stop drinking. Go to the gym. Read books. Stop playing PS3 and watching tv. Play with your kids. Make yourself available for a real conversation with your family.
It's not about doing these things because your wife has asked you to do it for 4 years (you don't like being told what to do) but because it's healthier, it will make you less tired, you will spend more time with your kids, and may even benefit in becoming more focused on happier things. (not what she is doing or thinking). Just try it. For a month.
Yep another long post from me! Sorry in advance for the wordy-ness
I think you are a good husband for just being happy for her being able to spend her day in a way that makes her happy.
I mean no disrespect or insult by saying this at all, but I feel that the mere fact you face the family income as "yours" may not be a helpful way of thinking. I get the sense you think she "owes" you for your work. Yes you are literally the one who makes the money, but that was decision by you both of you to have one work and one stay at home. So really, in a marriage you're partners so the money is both of yours despite who makes it. I feel she is not meeting your need of acknowledging your hard work. It's a common mistake women make. So that's definitely something she needs to work on, but you'll have to make that need of yours known to her in the right way.
My own husband recently did something similar. He felt I wasn't acknowledging him enough, in which I felt I was, but after he talked to me I realized it wasn't quite in the way he wanted, and apparently he had felt this way for years. So now I go out of my way to try and show him my acknowledgment. It really did help in that area of our marriage, he even noted to me he felt better recently. So once you two are communicating again, maybe you could bring this are of your need up to her.
Again you are so understanding And I hope you don't mix up understanding with "doormat" as others try to make it out to be. There's nothing wrong with having an understanding, caring frame of mind when it comes to your spouse. You are more the stronger by continually giving that to her when you feel so much resentment.
Yes, as I mentioned above I feel she should be acknowledging you more for what you do. (I mentioned before, that men need to feel "needed" or acknowledged often, same as a women needs to feel cherished) so she is also not meeting your basic need in this marriage.
Yes, as she says something is missing for her, maybe she doesn't feel cherished, maybe she is trying to get you to pursue her again (in which this is not the way to do it, really) She wants that excitement with you again. However as it seems you two cannot communicate well she hasn't been able to get it across to you.
Was it truly out of nowhere this happened? There was no fight, or event that happened around this time?
Yeah... seems to me she does NOT want to divorce you, she loves you, but is trying to get her needs met by putting in this situation. I believe she's trying to startle you into seeing that her needs are important, and to get you to finally listen. Again, not the right way to go about it. But for you, it's your choice if you love her enough to be the first one to go in and help pull her back to a position where you can both communicate effectively. I heavily suggest that "letting her talk" event if you can make it happen. It can't hurt anyway, and you never know, it may make things known to you that you could only guess at before.
Maybe, but I don't think she even knows how crappy you feel, or that you're hurting so bad, because SHE is feeling crappy and hurting too. I do feel like she's using the big "D" as a way to make you see her needs, to listen finally. But I truly don't feel it's a way to gain power, I believe it's something she's doing out of desperation, and I don't think SHE even knows why she's doing it.
I don't know you or your wife personally, so I could be waaaay off base, all of my posts and opinions are based off of years of research that I've done for my own marriage, and I'm trying to relay some of it for your consideration in case it may help, but I could be totally wrong. I just had to speak up because I saw so many try and tell you that you are a doormat, you are giving too much, you need to take things from her. None of that is true. You are acting in the most respectable, strong way, and are in fact being a good husband in the best way you know how. Doing all you can, sometimes bending over backwards to be there for your wife, and pull her back from whatever slump she's gotten herself into is NOT being weak. it takes the strongest person imaginable to power through something like this, going against resentment to give more. At least if things do end in divorce, you REALLY know you tried everything you could to fix it.
I feel in one sentence this situation is the result of miscommunication between both of you, and all it takes is a little understanding on both parts to fix it. Please read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus! It's an older book but it has a lot of truth in it. Also my husband recommends the Eric Thomas' "Thank God I'm Married" on YouTube, said it really opened his eyes to my womanly craziness
Let's cut to the chase, it sounds to me like the wife is having a MLC, possibly peri-menopause is kicking in. These forums of full of virtually identical stories, it's just in his case he seems to have caught it very early before she developed an EA or A. That would be her next step, telling her problems to some POSOM online.
Her quick disconnect is classic, another forum I visit has 520 pages of virtually identical stories where the W over a short space of time goes from calling you at work just to hear the sound of your voice, to acting like the aliens have taken her over.
I don't know what else to say, the outcome of this situation almost always ends up with the W leaving, and an OM showing up shortly after. With some this MLC process is mild and they come through it, but generally it ends in divorce.
You should get a divorce. Get an apartment, where you can play video games, drink every night, fall asleep on the couch, and no one will complain.
You are right. She should just accept that you ignore her and hte kids every night. That's the way you are. If she doesn't like it, she should get a job and leave. You work hard. You deserve it. In fact, she should be pouring your drinks and have the PS3 turned on for you when you get home. She's very ungrateful. She's probably having an affair.
Paul, some advice. STOP reading into things. Just do your thing. I wasted over a year manipulating and trying to fix stuff. 2 months ago, I said screw it and totally focused on me. Tonight I planned an babysitter and we went out to dinner. At dinner she says,"You know it is hard for me to give compliments so really take this for what it is worth. This does not mean things are peachy or does it mean I don't want you to move or does it mean I don't want a divorce, but I have notice how much you have developed in your masculinity and It is really incredible.". This is HUGE for her to admit. Work on you. Raise your sex rank. Leave her be for a while. Posted via Mobile Device
You should get a divorce. Get an apartment, where you can play video games, drink every night, fall asleep on the couch, and no one will complain.
You are right. She should just accept that you ignore her and hte kids every night. That's the way you are. If she doesn't like it, she should get a job and leave. You work hard. You deserve it. In fact, she should be pouring your drinks and have the PS3 turned on for you when you get home. She's very ungrateful. She's probably having an affair.
Is this directed at me? WTF??
The PS 3 thing was what I did when she was scrapbooking in the same room. She was doing her thing and I did mine in the same room while talking and exchanging pleasentries. I explained this but some how I'm a PS 3 addicted drunk who ignores his family?? I don't fall asleep on the couch, I fall asleep in the bed while watching a show at 10:30 or 11 at night. I get up at 6:30, she gets up at whenever.
I'm not expecting you to be nice. But giving sarcastic advise that isn't even based on reality is just rude.
I have another question. I have a FB acount that is used rarely and only to look for someone. My wife doesn't even realize it exists because I rarely go on it.
I said to her the other night that I was thinking about making FB a regular thing because I have old friends I have been thinking about. She got obviously taken back by this and said things like "I didn't think you liked FB and who are you trying to find", stuff like that which really came across as WTF are you up to?
At first it seemed I touched a nerve and really wanted to proceed but just before I did, I was wondering if this comes across as a desperate attemp to replicate what she does or invade some of her space that I have never been apart of. I abdolutely do not want to come across that way.
Probably because she's wondering if you're up to anything. Trying to figure out if you're doing it because of her or you are truly interested in Facebook. Apparently Facebook is her "safe zone" too, where she can vent feelings to understanding friends, so having you broach suddenly into that probably did touch upon a nerve, though she would never stop you from venturing onto Facebook if you wanted to.
I agree with those that say if YOU are interested in Facebook, go for it, but if you are truly doing it for her, maybe not. Can't blame you for wanting too though
Also don't let off the wall posts on here get to you. People are going to react to your situation wildly in this forum, in as many ways as there are types of people. Ignore the negative and focus on things you deem positive and progressive in terms of help.
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Re: When the Pain Turns to Anger 
Sorry in advance for the wordy-ness
