General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
It's time to set some boundaries. Are you willing to put up with her having an "in home" separation??
To me, that just sounds ridiculous!! She gets all the finer parts of living in the home while enjoying all the benefits of you putting up with it while she gets to "find" her feelings again?
I'm sorry to have to say this time after time in my posts, but don't enable her to do this. Sounds like the harder you try..the more she manipulates.
Love is blind and it stinks when you love someone so much that you're willing to just put up with whatever the person you love dishes out. She know that and if you don't set some boundaries..you'll continue to be unhappy.
Nice guys like you don't always have to finish last...so take some time to think about what you want to do with YOUR life instead of putting up with whatever she wants to throw at you.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're better than that. Do something about it and quit being her speed bump...in the long run, you'll be thankful you did!!
I see what the preview post before me means, however I must add to the other side of this. As there's kids involved I actually don't feel an in home separation is too bad, considering that having mom or dad move out would be a lot more jolting to the family, especially as she's made it clear that she's not really thinking about divorce, just needs space, and reconciliation is still not he table. They still live together, they still go about their daily lives together, take care of the kids together, they still talk sometimes (or so all this I've gathered, correct me if I'm wrong). So to me this sounds like a mis-labeling of "separation" on her part. Sounds like she just needs some time to think and figure stuff out so put a halt to aspects in attempt to do so (not arguing whether that's right or wrong however).
She could be thinking about the kids and the life they've built in all this, and doesn't want to be hasty to throw it all away when she's so confused. I don't understand why so many are quick to make her out to be this "leech" as people are trying to make her out as.
I see what the preview post before me means, however I must add to the other side of this. As there's kids involved I actually don't feel an in home separation is too bad, considering that having mom or dad move out would be a lot more jolting to the family, especially as she's made it clear that she's not really thinking about divorce, just needs space, and reconciliation is still not he table. They still live together, they still go about their daily lives together, take care of the kids together, they still talk sometimes (or so all this I've gathered, correct me if I'm wrong). So to me this sounds like a mis-labeling of "separation" on her part. Sounds like she just needs some time to think and figure stuff out so put a halt to aspects in attempt to do so (not arguing whether that's right or wrong however).
She could be thinking about the kids and the life they've built in all this, and doesn't want to be hasty to throw it all away when she's so confused. I don't understand why so many are quick to make her out to be this "leech" as people are trying to make her out as.
While I tend to agree, I think the OP needs to do more to make it closer to a real separation. By that, I mean he should go do his thing and let her approach him for conversation, etc. I would recommend hitting the gym or taking up a hobby to do at night, preferably so that he can be out of the house in the evenings a couple of times a week. Reconnect with your friends in person. Go out and have some fun without her. I would also take the kids on an outing without her on the weekends. Even just down to the park is fine. To be clear, you need to take care fo your end of the household. Don't be rude, mean or unkind about it, but do go have appropriate fun.
She has all day to take care of herself and her needs while you work. You need to practice working on yourself. If she needs space to think about things and can't help you with what you need, then you need to focus on you a bit.
I hate to say this, but you need to hear it. First off, many of these stories go on for 10-15 pages and come to much the same conclusion, there is another man/woman in the picture somewhere.
None of us want to believe this, I didn't either.
Most of us who have been through this have done nothing to warrant this treatment except to them the marriage become like an old car, dependable, get's good gas mileage , but is now boring compared to the lives of others on the media, divorced friends on Facebook or on games like "World of Warcraft".
If you have not committed any "divorce-able offenses", before you waste your time doing anything mentioned in this thread, I'd make absolutely sure there was no other man in the wings. If there is, there's no point in doing anything but exposing it, asking her to leave and doing the 180 to save yourself.
Once a wife's emotions have left you for another what ever changes you make will seldom ever be enough, that's if they even give you a justified reason for their displeasure of your company. They're too much in the fog to even notice, unless you catch it very early and tell them it's either you or the highway.
If you have not committed any "divorce-able offenses", before you waste your time doing anything mentioned in this thread, I'd make absolutely sure there was no other man in the wings. If there is, there's no point in doing anything but exposing it, asking her to leave and doing the 180 to save yourself.
That was my first thought. So I:
1) Checked her schedule for descrepencies in time.
2) Checked phone and text records
3) Set up a computer spying program to monitor her usage including snapshots to catch messages that might be deleted.
4) Straight up asked her.
There is nothing. I don't think she would even know how to go further underground than this. If you think I am missing something, where else should I look?
As far as the in-home seperation is concerned, she doesn't want physical space, she wants emotional space from this issue. She initiates conversations about everything but us. She also doesn't want sex.
Our life almost seems normal besides what I have described but it still kills me.
1) Checked her schedule for descrepencies in time.
2) Checked phone and text records
3) Set up a computer spying program to monitor her usage including snapshots to catch messages that might be deleted.
4) Straight up asked her.
There is nothing. I don't think she would even know how to go further underground than this. If you think I am missing something, where else should I look?
As far as the in-home seperation is concerned, she doesn't want physical space, she wants emotional space from this issue. She initiates conversations about everything but us. She also doesn't want sex.
Our life almost seems normal besides what I have described but it still kills me.
How old is she, some women hit peri-menopause and have similar behavior, give the same speeches. She might even be suffering from some sort of depression...In regards to the OM issue, she could have secret phone, or see the OM at soccer. I'd pop a VAR in the car she drives, or in places in the home she could talk unheard ( basement, laundry room, bathroom etc... just to cover all bases.
I can't remember seeing this sort of thing happening where there was not a OM/OW, it could be you caught it so early she's not had a chance to get to that step, but has been thinking about it. In the short term upping you sex rank could not hurt ala the married man's sex life Married Man Sex Life
1) Checked her schedule for descrepencies in time.
2) Checked phone and text records
3) Set up a computer spying program to monitor her usage including snapshots to catch messages that might be deleted.
4) Straight up asked her.
There is nothing. I don't think she would even know how to go further underground than this. If you think I am missing something, where else should I look?
As far as the in-home seperation is concerned, she doesn't want physical space, she wants emotional space from this issue. She initiates conversations about everything but us. She also doesn't want sex.
Our life almost seems normal besides what I have described but it still kills me.
Sounds like you have done your due-diligence.
I did not read all 9 pages so not sure if this was covered, but is MC an option? If so, you need to both agree to the same person together or move to the next MC.
Glad to hear you are reading Divorce Busters. This helped me alot with the patience part of these fall away wives. At least yours did not walk away. Mine just came home after 4 months and we are working our way back to the loving relationship.
Not sure what sets them off, chemical change, mid-life issues, who knows, but if you want to save the marriage patience is the key.
She needs to know that there has to be a point where you are moving towards reconcile or moving on. Let her know you will give her space and time but not for too long as limbo is very painful and you don't want a room mate.
How old is she, some women hit peri-menopause and have similar behavior, give the same speeches. She might even be suffering from some sort of depression...In regards to the OM issue, she could have secret phone, or see the OM at soccer. I'd pop a VAR in the car she drives, or in places in the home she could talk unheard ( basement, laundry room, bathroom etc... just to cover all bases.
I can't remember seeing this sort of thing happening where there was not a OM/OW, it could be you caught it so early she's not had a chance to get to that step, but has been thinking about it. In the short term upping you sex rank could not hurt ala the married man's sex life Married Man Sex Life
Well, it happened in mine without an om. It just depends on the wounds she has carried around with her since childhood and the amount of resentment that she has allowed to build up. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, it happened in mine without an om. It just depends on the wounds she has carried around with her since childhood and the amount of resentment that she has allowed to build up. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe not that you were aware of? Women seldom leave a marriage without conflicts with no backup plan, unless there is some sort of mental illness at play. I think in some cases there is an OM we never hear about. The OM gets cold feet and splits when the wife leaves her husband. To cut their losses the wife moves back home.
Let her know you will give her space and time but not for too long as limbo is very painful and you don't want a room mate.
I wish you well!
Thank you. Limbo is the worse part. I feel as if she just doesn't want to deal with her emotions so she leaves me hanging. I can't understand how she is not sympathetic to the pain she is causing me. She just operates as if nothing is wrong unless I bring up the relationship or try to show her affection (both of which I have stopped but I am still obsessed with the situation).
Addressing the post before yours, she is 33 and I really don't think there is any indication of OM. She even told her mom that I had asked her that and then said "I haven't been hit on by anyone since before we were married". She also told her toxic friend "he asked me if I was cheating on him, can you believe that?"
Dear Paulination- i have read thru your messages and have been on both sides of this issue. For 20 years i led a great marriage to a wonderful man. I knew he loved me and never ever complained or belittled me. I got married with alot of baggage and a very vocal and blunt way of speaking i would 'speak my mind' openly to him on what bothered me.
i met him at our drs office ( we work together) and he was dating a girl that i knew was not good to him. He showered her with attention and gifts and would drop everything to please her. Then one day he dropped her and we started dating.
So we married and in the back of my crazy mind i kept playing this crazy record that he never loved me as much as he loved her because he wasn't as attentive to me. Fast forward 20 years and i still hold alot of resentment towards him. I have said things i wish i never said, but blundered them out out of frustration. I gained 50 lbs and i hated myself. I wasn't doing well at work and i just lost my father after taking care of him for many years.
Out of the blue he asks me for a separation. He told me i live in the past and have a lot of anger and he's afraid of my hostile way of driving and going off on people. I know i have been angry. I am mostly hurt. What hurt me the most was when my father died, he never held me or consoled me and i hold alot of anger toward him for this.
after we spoke he also told me that he has been losing weight bc of the nervousness he feels when around me. He's always been the passive and quiet type of guy. Now we walks around with a face i've never seen before.
so now i'm on the other side of the relationship, first being the one who disrespected my husband and now he's wanting nothing to do with me at all. Now i'm the one trying , pleading and begging him to let me work things out.
i sit crying alot, reading alot and now i'm writing on blogs which i never thought id do. but i find them helpful. i love him so much and i wish i could undo how i treated him. I guess you could say i came with too much baggage and never wanted to let it go.
Paulination- i think that your wife does love you and all she needs is space. Space to feel better about herself. But you, like me are smothering her. I realize this this morning. i've been trying to hard to fix what will take some time to fix.
I can say for myself, what would make me melt is for my husband to wrap his arms around me and tell me "i know it hurts, but lets try agin"
Not telling me to get tested, or go to therapy. I just need to feel loved.
I'm praying for you Paulination. You sound like a very caring and committed husband. I applaud your honesty and your devotion to your wife. Good Luck!
Maybe not that you were aware of? Women seldom leave a marriage without conflicts with no backup plan, unless there is some sort of mental illness at play. I think in some cases there is an OM we never hear about. The OM gets cold feet and splits when the wife leaves her husband. To cut their losses the wife moves back home.
I went full on spy mode with a sahm that has 4 kids that homeschools. Keylogger, spy stuff on the phone, var, etc. Nothing, nada, zilch.
Of course, she hasn't left physically and doesn't ever go out at night. Maybe she has a made up fantasy guy in her head. Lol Posted via Mobile Device
I'm willing to give her the time and the emotional space to get back on track with me but she won't declare what she wants. It is always "I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want". She says she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't know what she wants. It almost feels like she is intentional being ambivolent as some sort of control mechanism. Meanwhile th uncertainty and estrangement of affection is killing me.
I am starting to feel real resentment that she is putting me through this for no good reason.
If she would just decide, we could move forward with either a divorce or a plan to fix the marriage. I could live with either one at this point.
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