shy_guy

I read often on TAM a tactic being recommended that uses fear of loss. I recognize the "fear of loss" tactics from something in sales training many years ago where they were teaching that fear of loss is a greater motivator than opportunity to gain, but they were teaching this to sales people who needed to close one deal with people they were dealing with, and not sales people who needed longer term relationships. I haven't worked in sales in many years, so I don't know if this is still taught, but I think it is.

In sales, this is visible in everything from the "hurry, these deals won't last ... " ads to the sales person negotiating a price and telling the person if they leave the lot, the deal will not be in effect when they return ... and there's the fear the car won't be there, or don't delay your purchase because interest rates will be rising next week ... you get the picture. The sales person must find some pain point, sell to that pain point, and develop a fear of a loss based in that area.

I agree with the statement of fear of loss being a greater motivator than opportunity to gain in the short term, but I really dislike using it in negotiations on anything in longer term relationships. I think it only works for short term, and overuse of this tactic will get the bluff called in a longer term relationship, and once the fear of loss is exposed, it never has the same power again. Even more than that, I have a problem using this in relationships because it always feels manipulative to me, and I don't like to be on either side of that. Particularly, in marriage, I know my spouse has to be vulnerable with me, and I don't want to betray the trust they have in being vulnerable with me.

I like to work with the whole person, respect where their boundaries are, expect the same from them, and find where we can work together. I've been successful with this even in some pretty intense negotiations where both parties are required to make some significant changes. I may use fear of loss in things where loss is a real possibility if we delay, but honestly, I very seldom employ fear of loss to get anything from my spouse, and the threat of loss I have used has never been that I will leave ... of course, I've never wanted to leave, either, so it would have been hollow and dishonest for me to use that ...

I'd like to hear from other people. Do you use fear of loss in your negotiations with your spouse? Does your spouse use it with you? Do you think the way it is used is healthy in your relationship? Even if either gets what he/she wants in such a negotiation, do you find it to be healthy longer term in your relationship?

I'm just interested to hear other viewpoints on it as it relates to negotiations with married partners.

Jellybeans

My ex used the fear of loss with me all the time. Eventually I didn't fear anymore. And it worked to my advantage.

One tends to grow tired/exhausted with the threat of divorce at every turn.

shy_guy

This is exactly what I meant by thinking it only works short term. Yes. I can see that.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

That kind of negotiation doesn't work for me. I could accommodate it in the short term and offered alternatives like marriage counseling or viable options (switching job, etc.) but threats of divorce or mention of suicide, they just don't grab my heartstrings the way they used to. Just makes the person using these 'negotiations' look old, tired, and single-track mind, desperate for you to agree to their view of things (which is dangerous in a marriage, for both parties to always agree to one spouse's decisions and thoughts and values.) I think these sorts of tactics get stale when used too many times. The person loses his power and looks like a little flea under a glass hopping around trying to say something. Also, after a while, the person compromising might not have anything left to give, and may simply walk away realizing that even too much is not enough. Also, they might decide that their adrenal system is being compromised and it's not worth the roller coaster ride.
If someone is negotiating but they're not showing their cards, the tactic doesn't really matter. That's not negotiating, that's just playing to win, and there's a huge difference.

Jellybeans

Made me Haha.

And the adrenal system too!

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lovesherman

I agree with you that the fear of loss is not a good negotiating tactic in a healthy marriage where both spouses have each other's best interest at heart.

However, this tactic is necessary with a cheating spouse who is in the emotional fog of an affair. It also works to change the relationship dynamic when constant fights have caused spouses to lose love for each other. They must realize what is at stake if they are to change how they relate to each other.

Jellybeans

I agree. In fact, that negotiating tactic is the ONLY thing I have seen work with a cheating spouse. But the consequence has to be enforced, or else, no nice.

But if it's just threatening everytime there is an argument and withholding affection/sex/emotional needs, it will blow up in your face eventually. It's simply a sickening controlling thing to do to someone to manipulate them to get what you want. Ew.

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tacoma

Yes I use it subtly.

I never threatened my wife with divorce but I will withhold affection and become indifferent to her when she`s taking me for granted.

Been working for awhile now, she comes around quickly when she thinks I`m losing interest.

shy_guy

Good distinction.

abandonedcompletely

I can't handle any kind of manipulation in a relationship. Using manipulation tactics does not show respect and concern for your partner. Manipulation is all about getting your own way at any cost.

Now, if it's being used because of infidelity, that's different, that is if you're willing to follow through.

I

tacoma

I`ve never known a romantic relationship to be anything other than a series of mutual manipulations.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Oh, I agree entirely.
The issue is that after I moved out, and said I was filing for divorce, I did get him back. But he was even worse than he was before...and wouldn't go for counseling, and threatened suicide and then said he felt abused :-o then he suggested divorce (for like the 20th time, whereas I was only serious the one time, when I moved out), so gee, if someone feels that depressed around me and feels abused and wants a divorce and has their very own house and I have my very own apartment already, easy peasy! Take yo stuff and go. Obviously he didn't read Ury Fisher 'Getting to Yes'.

If you're into negotiating, this is a good book to read.
I think there's a chapter on walking away.
If you continue to bargain with someone who cannot deliver, you pretty much scrr*w your options of being able to engage with someone who can. There is this thing outside the direct equation called next best option/opportunity cost also something called 'cutting your losses'.

But to answer question, yes it works. The question is, are you pleased with the outcome, and how many times can you use the tactic? If you are rational, and you move out once, and you expend your resources on this, then you don't have the same option again. Most people don't have unlimited funds, or want to be considered as the person who goes back and forth with a cheating H. A woman can lose her pride and also respect of others which in small communities especially if you have children, is a very real asset that affects quality of life. There's also how the decision affects your options once you have gained success. Sometimes you turn the corner, and wow, look, now instead of a nice horizon there's a brick wall with a sign on it. The sign says 'Bang Head Here.'

Edited to add: you have to be careful, because if you're dealing with someone who makes the same threats just to maintain control but has no intent to give up a relationship where they will REMAIN in control (forever), they might think you're DOING THE SAME THING, when you're not, and they will play the game by agreeing to everything, thinking that permanent change is not really being asked for. They can't experience from external sources what they don't already have inside of them. They'll interpret your behavior according to what it would mean if they were doing it. In fact, it might be comforting for them! Here is a relationship they can understand, and finally you are playing along. Ugh.

abandonedcompletely

I've seen manipulation being used with many couples and sadly, it only makes the situation worse. I don't know why it's so difficult with some to be honest with what's going on in their head and heart?

I really do believe in "speak the truth in love"

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Yes, but those are fun! Or should be, and open you up to the world in which your partner lives, and allows you the opportunity to share your own.

And, it is important to practice on the little things, because there will always be big things, and you need to have a 'style' established, AND be aware of that style and how it could trip you up as a couple.

What I'm talking about is things like deciding on the recreation for an evening out...or what movie to see...or what grocery store to go to... then you get things like where to live, how to arrange work life/home life....how to manage when sex drives don't jive for a while...where to vacation, kid matters, retirement...

Getting to Yes is written for diplomatic matters, but it also applies to individuals.

shy_guy

I'm sure I'm missing what you're saying here ... others seem to be getting it. Could you expound on that a little bit, please?