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Old 02-26-2012, 01:55 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

I am a full-time working mother. I have been my whole adult life. I was married before and my husband made good money, but he didn't want me staying home. Then, I was single for 10 years, and I had to work. Now, I'm married again, and I earn 2/3 of our income. My husband and I each work about 40-45 hours week, about 55 hours each with commutes, but he just doesn't bring in as much as me. My son is grown and has moved out, but I have a teenage step-son at home.

For me, it's all about doing household chores in the few minutes between getting home from work and going out to play tennis in the evenings. I keep a very clean home. I can mop, put dishes in the dishwasher, throw clothes in the washer and dryer, etc in 15 minutes or so. I cannot stand a dirty house. My husband usually does not help out with household chores inside the house, but he does the outside chores, like mowing, edging, etc. I do some outside work, too. My stepson also mows the yard. My husband and I both take care of the pets.

I don't cook much. Really, I have always hated cooking and cannot ever seem to find enough time to get to the grocery store regularly(especially when it's so crowded on the weekends). Plus, I have about an hour to clean my home, get changed and dressed and drive to play tennis several evenings a week. I love playing, though, and with my stressful job, I need some stress relief. It's a great hobby for me. I should cook more, but I just run out of time to do it all. I rely on sandwiches, frozen dinners and take-off often. I know it's not as healthy, but one can only do so much and stay sane.

Through tennis, I know a lot of SAHMs. I understand that taking care of young kids is a lot of work. But the ones I know have grown children and spend a lot of time shopping, going to lunch, playing tennis, etc. Some of them tell me how they are soo busy and how it's so hard to be a SAHM. They assume I have a housekeeper, etc because I work. Sometimes, it frustrates me because I would like them to have to work all day and still keep their homes clean and do all the chores. Then, tell me about being busy.

Like I said, taking care of small children is lots of work and I'm sure it's very tiring. And I know some SAHMs that do a lot around their homes and make their husbands as comfortable as possible. I also know some who do little of anything. I think, sometimes, before complaining about how busy they are, some SAHMs need to think of working mothers who have to work all day, often at stressful jobs, and then, do everything around the house.
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Old 02-26-2012, 02:24 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

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To Somelady: there have been many great views shared in response to your thread. My wife is a SAHM (nice acronym BTW) and this year is the first year where our three boys are all in school. There are definitely two aspects of the SAHM role: the mom who is at home taking care of the kids and everything else because there are children home and then the mom who is just that -- the mother who is at home but without the kids. I am going to tread lightly here but follow me for a moment. It sounds like you are doing a great job -- if you aren't working and your husband is, the team concept dictates that taking care of the home is, for the most part, your contribution to the team effort. Gonefishin stated (very well) that, if your house is clean the the kids are good to go, then you are doing what you need to do. If this is the case, goof off on the computer all you want. You have done your part and, if your husband isn't saying that you aren't holding up your end and you sense that his feelings are genuine, than you are in the house (pardon the pun). Others have stated above that you should get a hobby and I can't agree more. There is nothing more important to a human being than being to do something that has nothing to do with anyone else and is the source of his/her inner strength necessary to repeat the previous days actions again and again. Everyone needs this, those who deny it or try to live without it are more unhappy that most.
Yes, a SAHM definitely needs some sort of hobby or interest or SOMETHING. I took up knitting and joined a knitting group when we lived in an urban area. Now that I'm in a rural area, I still knit but I participate in an online book club. There's also volunteering at a local museum. These things are really important for one's sanity!
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Old 02-26-2012, 02:29 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

When my friend got married, her husband was having trouble at work and suggested she get a job (no children).

She said, to me, "I didn't get married so I would have to work!"


Well, her husband didn't marry her to support her stupid ass.

I told her that her entitled attitude and her idea that wives don't work is rather offputting. i asked her how she gives to the marriage and she looked at me like I was crazy. No cooking, no cleaning, no working, nothing.

No wonder her husband cheated on her and basically left without leaving. They are still married, but she has stepped up and got a job and does more around the house.

I just couldn't get over her childish attitude about marriage! LOL! What a shet she was.
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Old 02-26-2012, 02:38 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

Thatgirl, that attitude drives me crazy too. I was taught that we all have to support ourselves, no one is entitled to anything. I hear women complaining their husbands work too much and don't spend time with them. It's the same women who don't work and don't do too much around the house.
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Old 02-26-2012, 02:41 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

So, I just had to reassure myself that I'm OK, and not selfish...

I spent the weekend shampooing carpets and running errands, and spent today cooking and baking. Made dinner with/for the kids. Husband had a nice nap on the sofa with football on the telly.

Having eaten with the kids, I'm not hungry. There are some nice leftovers from last night's dinner (steaks and mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes). I told him to boil some frozen vegetables and nuke the leftovers for his own dinner. Basically, I said, "You know... make dinner for yourself. I'm gonna sit here and listen to music on Youtube."

So, he's in the kitchen making his own dinner (lots of questions about how to do various things/where are things/is this microwave safe) and I thought, "You know, that was selfish of me. It would have been such a nice thing to just heat that up for him and serve it to him in front of the TV." I said something to my husband and he said, "What?? Are you crazy? You've been doing everything all weekend. You're tired. Sit down!"

And, so I am.

Still wish I'd taken that opportunity to do that one nice little thing for him, though. I need to think beyond what's "fair" and go wholeheartedly into what is LOVING.
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Old 02-26-2012, 03:01 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

SomeLady, if your husband is the only one working, shouldn't you be doing everything else? Isn't that the only fair division?

Going to work and putting up with all the bs all day is tiring. When one gets home from work, the last thing one wants to do is pick up a bunch of chores because the person staying home is tired. I'm not saying you are doing this, SomeLady, but some do. They gripe about being tired from being home all day. What about the person working? Do some SAHMs think working is a breeze or the husband somehow got a break because he's at work all day.
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Old 02-26-2012, 05:25 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

Yes, all SAHM's are Peg Bundy.
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Old 02-26-2012, 07:56 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

I'm not a SAHM, never have been and never will be (I feel 'safer' having my independence and I would NEVER feel good about being dependent on a man, hey just my opinion) but my opinion is a SAHM should be doing all of the housework and even extras as well.. If I stayed home while my husband was at work all day, I wouldn't ask him to do any thing when he got home, either.

During his days off, he could spend time with the kids and while they're out, I would have my "me" time. I do not feel that bathing kids, putting them to bed, etc is quality time spent with children and IMO my husband would resent me for that (understandably! I wouldn't want to have to come home and do all the bathing and putting to bed if my H didn't work)....

Other than home repairs that you can't do yourself, I think you should be doing basically everything in regards to housekeeping, cooking, etc. If I can do most of that while working FT I don't see how a SAHM can't do it plus more while staying home all day.

Sorry, I get a bit heated on this topic. I think there are some wonderful SAHMs who do a great job at what they do - but there are also a lot who just use it as a cop out to be lazy. They are the ones who give them a bad name.
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Old 02-26-2012, 08:00 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

i worry about what will happen to this home while I recover after surgery.

i work full time, but as a teacher, I'm home by 3:30 and take care of the kids/home. In the summers, I'm a SAHM. It's the best of both worlds

My recovery time is anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks--- not sure yet.

I told Hubs today that a chore list will HAVE to be written up for our older daughter and himself. I know he works SO HARD for our family, (5 twelve hour days a week) but if he doesn't pick up my slack, along with our 12 year old, this house will go to hell in a handbasket.

I told him i didn't want to insult him with a list, but there are a lot of things that i do that go unnoticed unless they aren't done. Does that make sense?

He wasn't insulted, and actually said it was a good idea. Whew. I hope it works.

Ima freeze some homemade meals for the first week or so, and get the house SPOTLESS before surgery...that should help a bit...
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Old 02-26-2012, 10:54 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

I never believed that I would EVER be a stay at home wife.

I always dreamed of earning my degree and having a great career.

Sadly, there were some severe health problems which put me out of commission during those years when most people complete their education. I also snapped my right arm in two places right at the beginning of university-bad luck with health.

I have been struggling with dependence on my husband because it goes against everything I believed in when I lived alone as a single woman. That is why I am in college, so that I can earn enough to support myself if need be and help out financially. My husband will always earn more than me, but I still need to have my own money to feel good about myself.
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Old 02-27-2012, 06:18 AM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

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SomeLady, if your husband is the only one working, shouldn't you be doing everything else? Isn't that the only fair division?

Going to work and putting up with all the bs all day is tiring. When one gets home from work, the last thing one wants to do is pick up a bunch of chores because the person staying home is tired. I'm not saying you are doing this, SomeLady, but some do. They gripe about being tired from being home all day. What about the person working? Do some SAHMs think working is a breeze or the husband somehow got a break because he's at work all day.
It depends on what the husbands do for a living. A man with a white collar job is probably going to be less tired than a mother of two preschool children. Plus, there's a lot to be said for a change of scenery and venue.

So, I don't think it's unfair for a husband to help with things that must be done in the evening, if the SAHM has done everything that can be done during the day.
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Old 02-27-2012, 06:32 AM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)

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I'm not a SAHM, never have been and never will be (I feel 'safer' having my independence and I would NEVER feel good about being dependent on a man, hey just my opinion) but my opinion is a SAHM should be doing all of the housework and even extras as well.. If I stayed home while my husband was at work all day, I wouldn't ask him to do any thing when he got home, either.

During his days off, he could spend time with the kids and while they're out, I would have my "me" time. I do not feel that bathing kids, putting them to bed, etc is quality time spent with children and IMO my husband would resent me for that (understandably! I wouldn't want to have to come home and do all the bathing and putting to bed if my H didn't work)....

Other than home repairs that you can't do yourself, I think you should be doing basically everything in regards to housekeeping, cooking, etc. If I can do most of that while working FT I don't see how a SAHM can't do it plus more while staying home all day.

Sorry, I get a bit heated on this topic. I think there are some wonderful SAHMs who do a great job at what they do - but there are also a lot who just use it as a cop out to be lazy. They are the ones who give them a bad name.
I agree there are some SAHM who do very little at all. But, do you think it's lazy because, after the wife doing all the house cleaning during the day and preparing the meals and cleaning up after, the husband is expected to do a couple of things with the children's evening and morning routines?

I think that's absurd. I also think that daily mundane parenting things like bedtime is "quality time." My husband told me that he only sees the kids for a few hours a day. He'd feel like a jerk if he sat and watched TV while I put them to bed. Not because it would be unfair to ME, but because it would be unfair to the kids. He likes to be the one to read them their bedtime stories.

Last edited by SomeLady; 02-27-2012 at 06:40 AM.
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:54 AM   #88 (permalink)
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I can not believe all the negativity there is about being a SAHM.

My husband had asked me to quit my job to stay home and take care of the kids before we married. It took me a year after our first child was born before I got the courage to leave. I loved to work.

We had discussed that there was a very good chance I would not be returning to work, which is proven to be true since I broke my neck and I'm housebound due to severe pain.

My husband and I have a fabulous marriage. Not once have we held resentment that I'm not ever going to work. I do not expect him to do anything. He also does 100% of the grocery/supply shopping since I'm housebound. He's never complained.

He comes home, eats, sometimes does the dishes and spends the night with the kids and I. He cooks breakfast every weekend due to the kids request. They love HIS pancakes, plus he makes them into fun shapes and dyes them with food coloring.

Anyways, I'm a forever SAHM and I love it! I took up chicken farming and cooking/baking everything I can from scratch. I love trying new things. I'm never ever bored. Most my neighbors are SAHM's too, which we have very few neighbor's living out in the middle of nowhere.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:32 AM   #89 (permalink)
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I agree there are some SAHM who do very little at all. But, do you think it's lazy because, after the wife doing all the house cleaning during the day and preparing the meals and cleaning up after, the husband is expected to do a couple of things with the children's evening and morning routines?

I think that's absurd. I also think that daily mundane parenting things like bedtime is "quality time." My husband told me that he only sees the kids for a few hours a day. He'd feel like a jerk if he sat and watched TV while I put them to bed. Not because it would be unfair to ME, but because it would be unfair to the kids. He likes to be the one to read them their bedtime stories.
I think that is reasonable, but perhaps it is because that is what my wife and I do. The kids (we have three) don't stop making messes just becuase I come home from work or am home over the weekends. My wife still does more of the house work (laundry, cleaning, etc.) during those times, but I chip in as needed. I also take on the more physical tasks (fixing the door or moving stuff) as well as outside work.

Neither of us like the housework, but it has to be done. we both look at it as something we do so that we can get time together. That means that on some evenings, she has it all under control before I walk in the door (actually most of the time), but on other evenings, I have to do more for us to get that time.

As I think about it, my perception is that my wife works hard at her job. Maybe she could do more, or be more efficient, but I really have not thought about it. But because I feel she is working hard to keep up her end, I am happy with what we accomplish together.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:20 AM   #90 (permalink)
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It depends on what the husbands do for a living. A man with a white collar job is probably going to be less tired than a mother of two preschool children. Plus, there's a lot to be said for a change of scenery and venue.

So, I don't think it's unfair for a husband to help with things that must be done in the evening, if the SAHM has done everything that can be done during the day.

White collar jobs are not physically demanding but they can be mentally draining. By the end of the week, I'm exhausted from putting up with the stresses of the week. So while I agree taking care of small children is hard work, don't discount the husband going to work. I think it's unfair to think your SAH work is more demanding. Both have their demands.

Having your husband participate in the nighttime routines for the children is probably a good way for him to get quality time with the children. Having him do the morning routine when he has to get ready for work....well, personally I think you should be doing that as you're the one staying home. Just my opinion.

I am certainly not trying to say you are lazy or any SAHM is lazy. I know many work hard caring for young children. What irks me is when some SAHMs forget that a lot of working moms have to come home, clean the house, cook, run children to afterschool activities etc. They have 2 jobs.
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