My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.

Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.

I made the mistake of asking him if my weight gain was the reason he isn't very interested in sex anymore, and he said yes, mostly, but also my lack of motivation in getting fit. He said men are visual and appearance is so critical to attraction.

Even though I asked, when he said this, I felt so angry, disillusioned, ashamed, sad, and bitter.

How do I overcome this situation? I am focusing on my fitness and weight with a vengeance now, but I still feel angry and do not want him to touch me.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Originally Posted by Fieryredhead View Post
We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.

Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.

I made the mistake of asking him if my weight gain was the reason he isn't very interested in sex anymore, and he said yes, mostly, but also my lack of motivation in getting fit. He said men are visual and appearance is so critical to attraction.

Even though I asked, when he said this, I felt so angry, disillusioned, ashamed, sad, and bitter.

How do I overcome this situation? I am focusing on my fitness and weight with a vengeance now, but I still feel angry and do not want him to touch me.
you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth.

you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all.

what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

You knew what the answer was...which is why you asked in the first place.

I know it's only human nature to feel hurt and to manifest that through anger, but you're really not justified in this case.

My sex life has dwindled down to a couple of times PER YEAR. I've gained a considerable amount of weight since we first met. If she told me this is the reason I'd have to find a way to lose the weight (pain from injuries + sports is the culprit) and not blame her. She fell in love with my 6 pack and I bring a keg and a half to bed everynight. Not fair.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Originally Posted by Fieryredhead View Post
We've only been married a year, but are both older (I'm 46 and he is 50), and over the last two years, I sold my property, horse and other livestock, and moved to the suburbs into his home. I basically changed my whole lifestyle, which was my call of course. However, during the last two years, I've also put on 25 pounds, and am struggling with getting it off, going up and down in weight.

Over the last couple of months, our perfect sex life has rapidly dwindled down to a couple times a month, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at my naked body.

I made the mistake of asking him if my weight gain was the reason he isn't very interested in sex anymore, and he said yes, mostly, but also my lack of motivation in getting fit. He said men are visual and appearance is so critical to attraction.

Even though I asked, when he said this, I felt so angry, disillusioned, ashamed, sad, and bitter.

How do I overcome this situation? I am focusing on my fitness and weight with a vengeance now, but I still feel angry and do not want him to touch me.
I think you should really focus on trying to get yourself back in shape. I hate when men get all sulky about their wife gaining weight, yet they do nothing to be productive about it....One thing I have to say for my H is that he never outright said anything about me losing weight, well not losing, toning, but he did everything he could to get me to go to the gym with him, or we would take the kids hiking all the time in the summer, we would get active....I feel like if your H had that big of a problem with it, so much so that it was affecting your sex life, he should have been a little more proactive...

That being said when you are married I think you need to try just as hard to stay in shape and take care of yourself as you always have so that the attraction stays there...Under certain circumstances I know that gaining weight happens, but then once you're in the clear from whatever it is that made it happen, get back out there and work yourself back to where you were....
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

Gotta wonder what it'll be like when you're both in your 60's...think it'll matter much how 'hot' either of you are? You can't base the whole marriage on appearances, especially since you're both older. Your husband especially, should be past all that.

Get up, get fit, try your best, and do it for yourself, not your selfish a$$ of a husband...
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

Thanks for the feedback. I will continue to work to get back to where I was physically two years ago, that's for sure. I'm hoping a physical change will also help my confidence come back too.

And yes, the point about worrying about how "hot" I am or he is, when we are in our 50's and 60's is a good one.

This is the first place my mind went, when he told me my weight was an issue. I kept thinking, what if I get a disease/cancer or injured/incapacitated in some way as I continue to get older? Will he leave?

One last thing, I have been trying for two years, since I left my rural outdoor lifestyle, to get a sport, activity, or other active hobby for the two of us to do together, and he has not been interested in that.

I finally decided recently that for my own sake, I would re-start horseback riding, and volunteer at a nearby horse rescue organization on my own, since time was passing and he has not been able to meet me halfway on coming up with a sport the two of us can do together.

Any other advice on how to move past this situation and back to feeling good about him and myself is appreciated.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth.

you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all.

what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.
Are you kidding me? it's only 25 pounds........ he sounds like an insensitive ass to be honest.

You're in your late 40s, you're not supposed to have a body of a supermodel, I'm sure he isn't a spring chicken either.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

Hearing about weight issues is hard, but on the other hand it is nice that you have a husband that can be honest about his feelings and needs.

This board is filled with husbands and wives that are in sexless marriages and their spouses are completely unwilling to give even a clue as to what would fix it.

Some of us would kill for valuable information such as that.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Old 02-24-2012, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

Yes, his physical appearance has changed also, since he was a competitive mountain biker when we first got together, then had significant neck/herniated disk issues as well as needing an operation to get his bicep tendon replaced, which required a lot of time and physical therapy to recover from. So he has lost a lot of his muscular frame.

I had no problem with this, as I accepted the fact that we are older and I married him for more than his looks.

In any case, I do realize I should be thankful he answered honestly. I just need to figure out how to move on in a positive way since my emotions are in a tangle, and I do not feel attractive or attracted to him.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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thanks for the info on myfitnesspal.com. I'm starting Medifast on Monday, but can certainly use more tools to help me get fit!
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Originally Posted by Fieryredhead View Post
Yes, his physical appearance has changed also, since he was a competitive mountain biker when we first got together, then had significant neck/herniated disk issues as well as needing an operation to get his bicep tendon replaced, which required a lot of time and physical therapy to recover from. So he has lost a lot of his muscular frame.

I had no problem with this, as I accepted the fact that we are older and I married him for more than his looks.

In any case, I do realize I should be thankful he answered honestly. I just need to figure out how to move on in a positive way since my emotions are in a tangle, and I do not feel attractive or attracted to him.
I think he found a convenient opportunity to put how he really feels about himself off on you.

My husband has gained several pounds since we were married almost 10 years ago. He readily admits to me that HE feels unattractive, and our sex life has been affected because of how he feels about himself. I don't have anything to do with it. I've gained too, but I feel attractive, and I still find him attractive. I don't press the issue with him because I know how he feels about himself is something he has to work on alone, but I'm supportive and make sure I tell him that no matter what he looks like I'll love him to pieces.

Work on yourself, but don't do it for him.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

You know, if he had a medical issue and lost a lot of his attractiveness, it is entirely possible that he is angry at medical issues he had that he couldn't control, and now interprets your weight gain as a response to his physical changes.

"I am now less attractive to my wife, who is obviously less concerned about her appearance since my medical issues."

Not a healthy way to think but it's possible.
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

Wow. I never thought his feelings about himself being part of this issue. He has always been sensitive about his appearance when we are intimate. In fact, I've always been the one boosting his ego and telling him how much I desire him, because when we first got together, he was self-conscious about being naked with me and actually had some "performance issues."

I had to assure him over and over that I found him attractive and sexy. He always thought I was too pretty for him, and "out of his league."

I thought this was all in the past, but perhaps not.

Thank you for the continuing insights into this complicated issue. In a way, this actually makes me feel a lot less angry at him.
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:33 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't think I'm sexy anymore

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
you should be angry with yourself. you asked and he told the truth.

you had the unrealistic veiw that once your married you could stop trying to look sexy for your husband because he loves you and love trumps all.

what if you married him for his disposition and then after two years he started being over critical of you would you still find him sexy.
This woman is clearly in pain and is confused and hurt. Do you really think your smartass respoinse is what she needs to hear? She is not stupid. She came to this forum because she wanted someone to listen to her. Of course she knows the truth about what her husband thought, and it took guts to come out and ask. Confirming her fears is very painful. I just went through this for myself.

Telling this woman that she got married and stopped trying to be sexy for her husband was a terrible thing to say. Empathy, you should look into it. Next time someone reaches out and is in pain, keep your opinions to yourself if you are just going to respond in a snippy way. Yes, yes, you have a right to your opinion, but please, think before you type. Some people need someone to listen, to understand. Don't make her feel worse.
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