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Old 02-27-2012, 06:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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never posted on a site like this before so I will jump right in to it.

Info: Married for almost 16 years in may. We have 4 kids. Both just graduated college and are starting work in the same place soon.

We recently were "friended" on facebook by an old boyfriend of my wifes from high school. He sent me a friend request first and I accepted, but it didnt feel right. He then sent her a request. She also didnt feel right about it at the time, so she left it up to me. I accepted it for her. He is currently going through a seperation from his wife. He's a truck driver, hard career to make a marriage work, I've seen it a few times.

I assume it's a brief sense of nastalgia (spell) and he will float away shortly. I am just worried that I may have opened pandoras box. I dont feel I can delete him yet because that will send a message to my wife that I dont trust her. On the other hand, I do not want them becoming too friendly....which has not happened so far.

I'm frustrated with myself for allowing it to bother me, however it is and I must deal with it. I think the main uneasyness is from the fact that this is the only other guy she had been intimate with.

I try to keep in mind that she did choose to leave him for me back then. I'm sure that our current financial state and transitioning from college to work and being in limbo with that is adding to my uncertainty...

looking for opinions on if I made a mistake by letting him catch up with old friends while he is going through a divorce. It seemed like the mature thing to do but I feel uneasy about it.
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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No way to know if you made a mistake or not but it is playing with fire. Old flames reuniting on Facebook is very dangerous and it can go south with lightening speed. For comparison here's what happened to me. Happily married to a wonderful woman, receive friend request from old HS flame I hadn't thought of in 20 years, 10 days later OW and I were exchanging I love you's and having virtual sex. 10 days! 7.5 weeks later DDay dawns, fortunately wife and I are reconciling and today are doing really well.

If your instinct is uncomfortable either just tell her and ask her to hide or block him, or keep a sharp eye out. Whatever you do at the first sign of something inappropriate act swiftly.
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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i think he friended you first to try and put your mind at ease so he could friend your wife, that was his main goal im sure.

i would be very uneasy about it.

him going through divorce makes it even worse i think.

does he live in your area?
if not, his job may put him running through there at times.

you said your wife was uneasy about it too.
talk with her to see if you 2 cant come to an agreement to block him, maybe see if you cant get her to believe it is her decision to do it. if not, i would just tell her then that it needs to be done.

fb IS the devil!!!!!
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Facebook isn't the devil.

Good god. You just have to be smart on whom you befriend. Which is why I only have about 60 friends, 1/2 of which are family.

I, personally, wouldn't have friended Hubs' ex. She's a crazy betch. Even if she wasn't, that would be MORE reason NOT to friend her.
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uncertainty View Post
never posted on a site like this before so I will jump right in to it.

Info: Married for almost 16 years in may. We have 4 kids. Both just graduated college and are starting work in the same place soon.

We recently were "friended" on facebook by an old boyfriend of my wifes from high school. He sent me a friend request first and I accepted, but it didnt feel right. He then sent her a request. She also didnt feel right about it at the time, so she left it up to me. I accepted it for her. He is currently going through a seperation from his wife. He's a truck driver, hard career to make a marriage work, I've seen it a few times.

I assume it's a brief sense of nastalgia (spell) and he will float away shortly. I am just worried that I may have opened pandoras box. I dont feel I can delete him yet because that will send a message to my wife that I dont trust her. On the other hand, I do not want them becoming too friendly....which has not happened so far.

I'm frustrated with myself for allowing it to bother me, however it is and I must deal with it. I think the main uneasyness is from the fact that this is the only other guy she had been intimate with.

I try to keep in mind that she did choose to leave him for me back then. I'm sure that our current financial state and transitioning from college to work and being in limbo with that is adding to my uncertainty...

looking for opinions on if I made a mistake by letting him catch up with old friends while he is going through a divorce. It seemed like the mature thing to do but I feel uneasy about it.
Unfriend him from both your accounts, then block him so your accounts dont show up when he searches for them. He is a stranger to you and you owe him no explanations.
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Old 02-27-2012, 07:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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yeah...ok so 3 for 3 so far on a bad idea

I have zero doubt that the only reason he friended me was to friend her.

It certainly seems to be bothering me more than it is her. There was only a little initial contact. Mostly just asking about how the kids are and stuff and how old friends were. He put out a couple attention seeking lines like when my wife said "your daughters are adorable" and he replied "yeah, I dont know where they get that from"....she didnt take the bait which is good.

I was contacted by an old girlfriend a few months back...she was laying on the compliments pretty thick and I choose to block her. I am hoping that she will choose to do the same if it gets out of hand....

I just need to keep in mind, we've been together 16 years, have 4 beautiful kids, we are both college educated and are getting ready to start decent paying jobs for the same company. This guy really has no card to play other than a little reflecting, which was some high school stuff.

I cant "tell her" not too, she will take that as controlling which would only lead to trouble...but this just feels wrong
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Tell her how you feel without telling her what to do.

Tell her it feels wrong...in your gut, this guy's return feels wrong and you think he has other motives than just a quick hello.

Tell her as her husband, how you feel! If my husband was that upset about something I could easily control, I would do it! I would do anything to make him happy (anything that doesn't harm me, our children or himself). And if this stranger means SO MUCH to her that she can't block him after only a couple of weeks? Then yea, you got a problem. for me, it's a no brainer.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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4 for 4
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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geeze both male and female say the same thing.

If I block him, before he actually tries to start manipulating too much, she will just see it as me being paranoid and controlling. I'm sure of this
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Talk to her first.

Why are you so scared to talk to her? Is she THAT far involved with this guy that you can't just talk to her and tell her in order for you to feel like you're protecting your marriage and vows, he must be deleted and blocked?

I would be a little shocked if Hubs did this...only because he's so mellow and chill and I don't befriend people of the past unless they've been on my page forever . But if i did, and he said it bothered him, then it MUST be important.

And if she thinks you're being controlling, then she's up to no good.

A stranger shouldn't matter all that much. Just sayin.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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If you have to, look up stats about how these things ruin marriages....EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS. Show her what that is. I had to enlighten my husband on them (he or I weren't in one, but wanted him to be aware)...and he didn't even know they existed.

This will prove you aren't paranoid. You are just looking out for your marriage.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yeah, I am going to talk to her about just simply re-blocking him today just for my own piece of mind. but I just have to time it right. I dont want to hit her with it right when she wakes up. I need to focus on getting 3 of the kids on the bus right now, maybe making some coffee and breakfast and make sure one of our twins that is sick right now gets her meds...it probably wont be as big a deal as I think. I choose to accept him. She's done nothing wrong, she hasnt lead him on in anyway. It would simply make me feel more at ease.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uncertainty View Post
I was contacted by an old girlfriend a few months back...she was laying on the compliments pretty thick and I choose to block her. I am hoping that she will choose to do the same if it gets out of hand....
Good Job on your part. This in no way guarantees that your wife's boundaries will be as good as yours.


Quote:
Originally Posted by uncertainty View Post
I just need to keep in mind, we've been together 16 years, have 4 beautiful kids, we are both college educated and are getting ready to start decent paying jobs for the same company. This guy really has no card to play other than a little reflecting, which was some high school stuff.
Did you read my first post? On the day I got that friend request we had 13 years very happily married, 21 years together, two great kids - picture perfect marriage. Just because the world looks and seems perfect does not guarantee for a second that she's impervious. In reality my wife and I had stopped being each others boyfriend/girlfriend but we didn't realize it - we didn't know we missed it until the blow up of my EA and the subsequent conversations and analysis of what happened.


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I cant "tell her" not too, she will take that as controlling which would only lead to trouble...but this just feels wrong
No - you can't tell her what to do, but you can tell her how you feel and tell her what would make you more comfortable. If behavior that makes you comfortable continues you can tell her what your reaction will be if said behavior continues - but that's way premature right now.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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It's never too late to establish boundaries in a marriage. I came here with a problem similar to yours almost a year ago. At first, I was a bit like you, giving H the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to be controlling. But then, I realized that it was bothering me TOO MUCH. I spoke to him honestly about it, and we established boundaries. It was that simple.

You are obviously posting this problem of yours here because it's bothering you. Why not act on that now, instead of coming back in 3 months (or less) telling us your wife is embroiled in an EA?

I'm not saying that's what's going to happen, but it could, especially where old flames are concerned. Take care, best of luck!
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
If you have to, look up stats about how these things ruin marriages....EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS. Show her what that is. I had to enlighten my husband on them (he or I weren't in one, but wanted him to be aware)...and he didn't even know they existed.

This will prove you aren't paranoid. You are just looking out for your marriage.
Do THIS. Many people have no idea what an emotional affair even is. My husband certainly didn't, and he HAD one (not on me). It took a long time for him to realize that even though there'd been no sex, it was still an affair. Over 10 years, in fact...I now refer to these as sexless affairs with him.
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