General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
You are a hard working spouse and parent. You work a 40 hour week and your work requires night time hours on occasion. You do at least your share of the housework... probably more. You, unlike your spouse, are a social butterfly and are frequently socializing (you have accepted that your spouse will rarely go out with you because of how often you go out, but he/she is good about parenting when you are out). You also have a strong bond with your family, and visit with them often - your spouse comes once or twice a month with you as well but cannot keep up with your frequency and has grown to resent the activity.
You notice your spouse is drifting away from you and your marriage is struggling. When asked, the answer given is that you are too busy. In your opinion, you always carve out a few hours each week to be with your spouse if they want the time.
One night, your spouse is clearly agitated and is practically begging for your time. Of course, this would be the night that you have a very important event to go to, and your spouse knows about this event - you would feel very uncomfortable not going to this event on short notice, but there would be minimal lasting consequences if you didn't. Your initial reaction is anger that your spouse would bother you with this request on this particular night.
Your spouse asks you to stay home - he/she is frequently upset when you go out but rarely outright asks you not to go somewhere. When pressed, your spouse can give no articulate reason why it is important to them that you stay, but their body language is clear that this is extremely important to them.
What do you do on this night, and what is the key to a resolution for you long-term here?
If you have many social occasions, and only a few hours a week with your spouse then stay home. Give your quality time where it's needed.
And on that night, spend it talking openly about how the other person feels about the amount of time you spend socialising and reach a compromise ie how many nights a week that you're both happy with.
It would depend what the outing is...something important for business? Unfair to expect cancelling. A movie night out with a girlfriend? I could skip that.
For long-term resolution? More compromise. Yes you're a social butterfly, but your spouse is not. You probably are out more than you realize and your marriage is suffering because of the feeling of isolation/abandonment your spouse feels.
One spouse never suspects that their behavior is really as bad as the other spouse perceives. Usually it IS that bad. We all would like to think we're being the best spouse to our partner as we can be, but when your spouse is unhappy with the marriage, that's quite the indication that we're not being as loving, gracious, or considerate as we think we are.
It's time to check-in and find out. Have a talk and clear things up, come to some sort of compromise.
If, as you say, there would be minimal lasting consequences if you didn't go to this event, I would stay home. Especially if she was practically begging you. She wants you to show her she's more important to you than your social events.
You notice your spouse is drifting away from you and your marriage is struggling. When asked, the answer given is that you are too busy. In your opinion, you always carve out a few hours each week to be with your spouse if they want the time.
Your spouse time should not be carved out of your social time. Your other social activities should be worked out around your spouse time. Spouse time first or your spouse will feel like second fiddle, which is clearly the case here.
My mom messed up her health because she was always "too busy to eat". I told her that health is not something to pencil into your planner around other commitments. It has to be the other way around. It's the same for marital health.
Is the other spouse working as well? Sometimes work does have to come first. Are you sure the consequences of not going are minimal? Sounds like some clear rules need to be discussed as to how much time spent away from each other is acceptable. Other spouse may feel neglected and not on priority list. Feeling important to your spouse is a need. Don't go to the event if you can, and don't make spouse feel bad about you not going.
No one likes feeling like they are second. Your kids or your wife.
You may not see it that way... but that may be how your wife sees it. So regardless of whether you feel you compensate for it elsewhere... keep that in mind.
Long term... do you have family night or date night?
Is the other spouse working as well? Sometimes work does have to come first. Are you sure the consequences of not going are minimal?
Yes, you both are working full time.
Let's say it is a non-critical, work related event. Perhaps a team building or social event where you have some minor role like giving a toast. You really do feel like this event is important and should be the priority, but like your spouse, you cannot articulate exactly why you need to go to your spouse any more clearly than your spouse can articulate why they need you home.
I would stay home but I think that's because my wife has never had this issue. I could see it get tiresome if this was something she pulled all the time.
Team building can happen any time. After your regular 40 hour week, it's considered 'extra'. That's how your spouse sees it too.
I don't think either spouse should have to explain WHY they feel their view is important to them when it comes to this scenario. Both views should be obvious. What needs to be shown is consideration. For the spouse that is out most of the time, this would be an event that would be skipped, based on the response of the spouse that is home more. It doesn't have to be talked to death. It's giving, it's loving... I love you and want to be with you more than I want to do this activity without you.
If you choose to go, you're conveying the opposite. I value this outing and time away from you more than I value your feelings and being here with you.
What message do you want to send? You can send it without explaining a thing, or saying a word.
If my husband just carved time out for me, I wouldn't want that time. Seriously.
We may not have a lot of money (right now it's pretty bad, acutally) but we make ourselves a priority. We don't "pencil" each other in for time. Our time is together. We pencil OTHER things in...we carve out time in our time to do other things.
One thing my gramps said to me (and he was a business man. He died a wealthy man) was...."Don't invest too much into things that don't matter. Those things always die. Invest yourself in things that matter. Family matters."
Listen to my gramps!
Yes, he worked full time. Yes, he was busy...but on his death bed, was he worried about work? Nope. He was talking to me, telling me he loved me,etc.
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Hypothetical question 
Seriously. 
