General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am not a new member. The last time I posted on this forum was back in May of 2011. In case you are not privy to my history, I will provide just a couple of details. The reasons for my original posts on this forum have some relation to my current feelings about my marriage, but my husband's reasons do not relate.
I have been married to my husband for 12+ years. I am 32 and he is 49. We met when I was 19, and we got married a year later. He had two daughters (4 & 14) from two separate previous relationships of which he had custody of both. I accepted my role as a step-mother and raising his daughters. I have devoted the last nearly 14 years to both of his daughters, as if they had been my own. Well, I was more like an older sister to the eldest child as I provided as much guidance to her as I could.
Before my husband and I were married, we talked about everything we wanted for our future. I made it very clear that I wanted a child of my own, and that I had always felt like being a mother was my reason for being on this earth. He said that he wanted another child with me... maybe even two. He promised me I could have a baby of my own. After we married, he even told me not to continue birth control. As of that moment all was left in God's hands. We even went so far as to pick out names for our future baby. I was not really worried about the fact that I had not conceived right away. I figured I had time. I was not really even that worried when I miscarried at around 21 years old after not even know I was pregnant at all. I mean, hey. At least I knew I could get pregnant. I was so happy for the first couple of years.
Around the age of 23, worry began to set in. I would always count down the days when I knew I was 'late'. I would say to my mother on the phone "Two days late, Mom.", "Seven days late, Mommy.", "Eleven days late, Mommy!". Every call made her happier and happier. Inevitable she would call me and say "Thirteen days late, baby!", and I would reply "No, mom. I got my period last night." She knew I was hurt, but just kept trying to keep me going. My husband knew I was hurt, too. I had been wanting a baby so desperately. My OBGYN began trying to figure out what was wrong back in 2003. I underwent several tests, and everything looked fine. In October of 2004, my doctor wrote a prescription for my hsuband to do a semen analysis. You know, a sperm count. Over the next few years, my husband would not fill the prescription. During this time, he would assure me that he did want children with me. However, during arguments when he would get so mad at me, he would rip up the prescription in my face as I watched the little pieces of paper that meant so much to me fall to the ground. My husband did this to me three separate times. The first two times, I lied to my doctor telling him we had lost the prescription. The third time, I was so mad and desparate that I told my doctor the truth.
The filling of this prescription was preventing me from moving forward with other necessary tests. My husband knew this. My doctor had informed him of this. This time, I told my doctor that if my husband did not fill the prescription within 30 days, that I was leaving him. My doctor completely understood my situation. I followed through with this gave my husband my terms. He promised to have the prescription filled by April 30th, 2009. However, on the evening of April 30th, 2009 I searched his vehicle and found the prescription. It had not been filled.
I angrily and crazily confronted my husband on May 1st, 2009 as he attempted to get away from me by locking himself in his pick-up truck. I screamed at him for not filling the prescription and told him that I was leaving him. He asked me how I did not know that he did not already fill it. So I took the prescription out of my pocket and slapped it up against his car window so he could read it. Then the argument turned in my favor. Now he was begging me not to leave and apologizing. He promised he would fill it. So I set-up the appointment for him. I went with him to the required hospital to ensure it was done. He acted mad at me all day. He walked very fast so that he remained at least six feet in front of me at all times. I was scared and hurt by how angry he seemed, but it was more important to me that this test be done. I felt like he was trying to prevent me from having children.
I wound up separating from my husband in August of 2009. Several years of severe mistreatment by my husband led me to believe that I had to leave him. I had reached a breaking point. We were separated for approximately ten months. Everything that was wrong with our marriage was discussed during this time, including the issues with tyring to get pregnant. He assured me that he always wanted to have children with me. He said that he kept putting it off because I had not finished school.
Let's back- up a little. You see when we got married, he told me that he wanted me to find something to fall back on due to our age difference. He urged me to apply for the US Postal Service and UPS, etc. I decided I wanted to go to college to be come a teacher. We were not supposed to be hindering getting pregnant thought. Remember, we left it in God's hands. Well, once I began college, my husband said he'd make me a deal. he told me that once I finished my degree (I was attending a two-year college to obtain my AA degree), then we could have children. This was just after the first prescription for a semen analysis was given to him in 2004. Then, right before receiving my diploma, he told me that he never said that we could have children when I finished my AA. He told me that he had said that we could hae children when I finished my BA. I was devastated, but thought maybe I had misunderstood. Just after the end of the first term as I worked toward my BA, I brought up children. My husband told me then that he had never said that we could have children when I received my BA. he now claimed that he said we could have children when I received my Master's Degree. I thought to my self "Wait a minute! I never planned to get my Master's Degree." I was always a little scared of my husband's anger, so after a little arguing I gave in, but I never went back to school. I told him that I believed that he stealing my ability to have children.
Back to the separation. Once I moved back home, my husband and I agreed to wait about a year before trying to get pregnant to ensure that our marriage was strong enough to handle it. It was definitely the wise thing to do even though I wanted a child so much. Within three months of my being back home, my husband was all of a sudden pressuring me to have children. He would say things like "I don't know why you have not gone back to the doctor for futher testing.", "Do you even want children anymore?", "What are we waiting for?", etc. So, I just went ahead and scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. Not that I did not want to. I desparately wanted to. I was just reluctant due to our marital situation. But, I figured what the hey. We were happy right now.
I came home from the doctor, and announced to my husband that I had been prescribed clomid (fertility drug) and was scheduled to begin it in what I think was about eight days from then. He seemed so happy. I excitedly, half-jokingly, cutely, goofily told him that he needed give it up whenever I said so. He laughed. I did everything to not make TTC a job for him. I kept track of all schedules, test strips, temperatures all to myself, so as to keep things normal and light for him. I simply made sexy or cute advances toward him or fun demands of his time and affection. He never helped me. He would not have sex. Immediately after starting clomid (which you can't just stop) he began leaving every weekend to work on the renovation of our little cabin a few hours away. He would always tel me he was too tired. During month once on clomid, when several sexy and/or cute advances did not work, I carefully and shyly told him that my fertile window was closing and he became irate with me and told me that he was so tired due to working so much. He claimed he had no idea when I was ovulating. I told him that I was tracking everything and asked him if it would help him if he had a copy of my tracking sheet. He said it would. So I gave it to him. Month two... same thing. Only this time, when I carefully and sweetly approached him he used the excuse that I was turning this into a job in order to get mad at me. Month three... I gave up. I did not even ask.
Between then and now, about a year's time, the topic has come up in several arguments and he has just continually assured me that he did want to have children with me. He has also repeatedly told me over the course of the last couple of years that he does not want to have a baby past the age of 50. Well, last December he turned 49. Just a few days after his birthday, the topic came up again. I cried as I told him that I only had a three month window to get pregnant in order to have a child before he turned 50. He had no solid response to this. It seems he just found a way to end the discussion.
Also during this last year, his youngest daughter turned 18 and went nuts. Both of his daughter's have turned out to be serious disappointments. Neither of his daughters call or visit, not even when he has had a Cancer scare. He tells me that he believes that I am the only person in the world that truly loves him.
Now, here's the kicker. A couple of weekends ago, must haudand asked me so sit down and not get mad. He proceeded to tell me that he did not want anymore children, as he did not think he could go through what his children have put him through again when he is 65 or 70. He said he just could not handle it. He told me that I needed to know that he always did want a child with me, and would give me a child if I really had to have one, but that this has just been too hard on him and he really did not want to. I have been fighting so hard to have a baby for so many years. It was so painful to hear. I am fighting tears as I write this right now. However, I felt that I had to be a good wife and that I could not let my husband suffer. No matter how much it hurt me. I told him that we did not have to have a baby. I explained however, that I was so mad at his children for being so awful that it has cast me my most precious dream. I told him that they were not welcome in my home.
After I agreed not to have a baby, I began to hurt even more. I have gone through feeling sorry for myself, sadness and anger. I am still experiencing all of this today. Last weekend, he was complaining about his children and I told him that if they were to show up or call, I would not answer the phone or tell then to leave as they were not welcome. He told me not to do that. He told me that he did not want them to have a problem with me, as the younger one already resents me because I am her step-mother. I was so mad. I felt like he cared more about how they will feel, rather than how I feel due to what they have done to me. He told me that he would like to reconcile with his children one day. Look, I want nothing more than to see my husband and his children have a happy and healthy relationship, but have a certain amount of anger toward this most likely outcome. I am the only one who gets screwed in the end. He became so mad at me for this. He told me that I was very selfish and asked why I always had to make everything about me. He screamed "Just go get f*****g pregnant!" Now, why would I want to get pregnant knowing that he will not want the baby? I just can't do that. I would have to make a choice. I either leave my husband to find someone else who will want to have a baby with me, or stay with him and give up the idea of having children altogether.
I got to devote myself to and raise two children that were not mine due to the fact that my husband had custody and their mothers were pretty much absent only to be uncared for by both and hated by one of them. Now, I can't even have a child of my own because of them. I have to try so hard not to blame my husband. I have to try so hard not to feel anger toward him, as some times I feel like this is just a way out for him. Some times I feel like he never wanted to have children with me. I feel like I was tricked. He has children with two terrible women. Why was I not good enough? He says he loves me so much, but I don't feel like he does.
I am trying so hard not to be angry. I am trying to move past this, but my life no longer seems to have any purpose. I always thought I was supposed to have a child. I saw myself pregnant and giving birth. I used to talk to my husband about how cute of a pregnant woman I wanted to be. This hurts so bad. How do I move forward. How do I get rid of the pain. I feel like some one very close to me has just died. My drem is dead. There is now a void. I have no reason for living anymore. I am not going to do anything to myself, as I know this is not the answer. But what is the answer? The heartache is so immense that I can feel it in every bone. I think about it all day, everyday.
How do I get the desire to have a baby out of my head and out of my heart. I need to get it out of my bones. Please, help me. What can I do to move past this?
How do I get the desire to have a baby out of my head and out of my heart. I need to get it out of my bones. Please, help me. What can I do to move past this?
Remind yourself that you made a choice to stay with your husband who doesn't want any more children.
If your desire to stay with him is greater than your desire for a child, there's no conflict. The choice you made ends that.
If your desire for a child is greater than your desire to stay with your husband then you know what you have to do. He isn't changing his mind. He made his decision a long time ago. It's unfortunate it took him so long to be honest with you about it, but really his actions had been telling you all along.
If I could just find new meaning... a new purpose... a different reason for my being on this planet.
I have tried to tell myself that maybe I just need to be there for my little nephews, but my husband does not like the older of the the two, and does not like my sister either.
I have asked my husband if he would be willing to hang out with other the couples that are either empty nesters, or have decided not to have children, as there are groups for people like us. He does not want to do this either.
Maybe, traveling will help, but there is no money for this. I am pretty sure he would not really want to go anywhere anyway. He pretty much likes to just sit at home and watch reality TV, or play madden football.
He seems so happy. Yet, I am so sad. I want to find a new reason for being born. How do I find fulfillment?
He used you to raise his kids and mislead you knowing how important being a mum is to you. Now you're trying to find artificial happiness to fill your natural calling.
That's a depressing end if you ask me. You'll just grow to resent him as the years go by and by the time you realise enough is enough your body will be beyond the capacity to have children.
If I could just find new meaning... a new purpose... a different reason for my being on this planet.
I have tried to tell myself that maybe I just need to be there for my little nephews, but my husband does not like the older of the the two, and does not like my sister either.
I have asked my husband if he would be willing to hang out with other the couples that are either empty nesters, or have decided not to have children, as there are groups for people like us. He does not want to do this either.
Maybe, traveling will help, but there is no money for this. I am pretty sure he would not really want to go anywhere anyway. He pretty much likes to just sit at home and watch reality TV, or play madden football.
He seems so happy. Yet, I am so sad. I want to find a new reason for being born. How do I find fulfillment?
Do you work? Have you thought about volunteering your time? Giving to others helps you to not be so wrapped up in yourself. You should try that.
Your husband is happy because he's free. He's living his life exactly like he wants to live it. Why don't you do the same? He can't fix you. He can't give you what you want either.
Hi Crisis Sorry you here My spouse and I have similar age differences I am 49 she is 35 we met 13 years ago, when we started dating she shared with me that she would like to have children as i had already had a daughter who was like 9 at that time and so I knew if we were going further then I would need to have children with her as I did not want to take this away from her. We have been married for 12 yrs now and have 2 daughters 7 and 10 who are the pride and joy of my life, they make feel a lot younger than I am lol on some days. Anyway That is my experience and I agree with what others have said if that is your calling then you will need to go and do that and I agree that he has said one thing but his actions have shown another.
Your husband is a schmuck who played you for years. I can't figure out why you came back to him, or why you are still with him. This was a HUGE part of life that he lied to you about over and over and over. He deceived you.
You have the right to be angry and hurt. "No skin off his nose". Time for you to start making a life of your own, with or without him. Maybe teaching IS the way to go... maybe divorce is too. After all he's put you through, it would not be wrong of you to leave him, and find someone who WANTS a family with you. Wanting children is a biggie....and being played all that time is more than a biggie! It's not even about the kids now, its about how could someone profess to love you and then treat you soooooooooooo crappy.
I'd finish school while you are still with him, bide your time and figure out what you want to do.
You sound like soooo many, way tooooo many stepmothers, always blaming the stepkids for everything, while refusing to see your husband for what he truly is. You won't even see yourself. "I can't stand my stepson because my husband ignores me on their weekend visits." or "I hate my stepkids because my husband won't make them clean their room." Stupid crap to blame on the s-kids. It is ridiculous, so ridiculous that it's sorry and a darned shame. And here you are doing the same thing. How can you not see your husband picked the perfect person to be a mother to his children, a bedmate for himself, and housekeeper for all of them? A person who would believe every word he said no matter how senseless. A person who would go along with his program for 12+ years. You wrote it and still don't see it. And you blame the s-kids?
While I do have animosities toward my step-children, I think I am trying to blame them. It may seem unfair, and childish on my part, but I need someone to blame. Blaming my husband makes for huge fights and his asking me why I can't let just one thing be about him. I had the mind set that a good, loving and understanding wife would sacrifice for her husband. I loved his children very much. I still do. I raised the youngest almost as if she were my own. I gave her all of my time, money and heart. I would stay up late at night to help her with homework, or projects. I guided her through her first period and first couple of boyfriends. I made her my life's priority, but when her natural mother came back into the picture when she was a pre-teen, my relationship with her began falling apart. You see, her mom just wanted her daughter to like her. So, she just undermined all of my discipline and teachings of respect and responsibility. She would just give her daughter everything she wanted and let her do whatever she wanted. Soon enough, my youngest step-daughter wanted to be at her mother's house all the time. The unmonitored cell phone her mother purchased for her at the age of 13 allowed her to have a secret life my husband and I knew nothing about. She began seriously and constantly disrespecting me (i.e. evil looks, refusing to do what I say, rude words and tone of voice, sucking of the teeth, snatching items from me, etc.) and making my husband believe that she was doind nothing to me. She had him wrapped around her little finger as she tried to destroy our marriage (admitted to this husband during separation). She just did not like me because I was the only one attempting to provide structure in her life. She could not see that I was trying to be the best parent to her and raise her the best I could. She wanted to party and do whatever she wanted. I even began homeschooling her when she was sixteen to help her graduate high school I had her making straight A's. I would get home from work every night around 6:30 or 7pm, while she slept all day, then cook dinner, quickly inhale my meal and begin working with her until the wee hours of the morning. Two weeks before she turned 18, she told her older sister that her plan was to quit school on her birthday and move in with her natural mother. She moved in with her mother the day before her 18th birthday. I tried so hard for her and she hates me for it. She is now bouncing from friend's house to friend's house, doing drugs, not working, allowing people to take pornagraphic photos of herself (posted on internet) and claiming she is going to apply for food stamps. My husband is devastated. He claims this is what he cannot take going through again in his later years. I am angry. If his reasons are true, then she would have been the one to make him not want children. She does not care about he or I at all. She does not care about herself. And yet, I am still paying for her medical insurance coverage. Her natural mother has never helped financially. All she ever gave was $150.00 per month for child support. I asked her to help out with my step-daughter's health insurance once she turned eighteen, but she said she had no money. My husband then told her that we would have to drop her daughter from the insurance, and she told us to go ahead. My step-daughter does not care for or appreciate me at all.
I thought for many years that I was gaining something that was intrisically rewarding by loving my step-daughters and being the best parent to them that I could. I always told everyone that nothing that occured in their lives was their fault and that all children were deserving of someone who loved them. I was wrong. I can no longer stand being around my youngest step-daughter and want to slap my oldest step-daughter for her horrible actions as well. She was worse than the younger one when she turned 18, but kept it hidden fron us. She recently just gave her son away to his dead-beat father who has never paid more than $50 and one pack of diapers in any form of child support.
Inevitably, being a step-mother has left me disappointed and extremely hurt. So, I may seem as though I am being selfish, but it is only because I have lived my life so unselfishly for them and need someone to blame for my shattered dreams.
He used you to raise his kids and mislead you knowing how important being a mum is to you. Now you're trying to find artificial happiness to fill your natural calling.
That's a depressing end if you ask me. You'll just grow to resent him as the years go by and by the time you realise enough is enough your body will be beyond the capacity to have children.
I have to agree with this. Your life is allowed to be about you too. The desire for children cannot be replaced.
If you choose to stay with your husband for the future and resign yourself to no children, find something where you can utilise the nurturing side you want to give. Adopting animals, perhaps visiting children in the hospital as a volunteer, helping out youth agencies that deal with homelessness. If you're looking for a new life purpose perhaps one that can help you and others in the process.
I don't want to blame my step-daughters. I feel like I have to. The only time I felt like they wer not to blame came at the exact moment that I told my husband that I knnew having a child of my own was never in the cards. He told me that my words just told him that I was selfish and did not understand. He reminded me that when he told me he did not want another child, he had assured me that he had always wanted to have a child with me. He told me that I did not believe him.
I want to believe him. I want to love my step-children and be loved by them.
I just feel like all three of them have stolen my life from me.
However, these were not the feelings I wanted to deal with. I want to move past these feelings. I am trying to be happy with my life. I want to fill the void. My feelings have totally gotten in the way of my ultimate goal. When people who desparately desire to have children of their own realize that they never will, how do they find new meaning in their lives and happily move on?
Hi crisis sounds similar to my experience: My 21 yoa daughter I have had custody of her since she was 3 yoa, her mother is more like a sister than a mom in and out of jail etc her mom is now 43 and currently in jail for drug charges at 18 she also went to live with her mother and we had a few rough years her step mother my wife is the exact opposite of her real mother and she to was a god send for my daughter. Anyway I have been trying to get my daughter to move back in with me and my wife It was my wife's suggestion and back in school "college" she has resisted although she has been talking recently about moving back in with us the thing is she is technically an adult now and free to make her own decisions as much as i would love for her to come live with us I am truly powerless in what she decides. Its wild that they always cling to the absent parent or the least responsible parent until the actually see for themselves how messed up they are. You have been a great example for your step-daughter and i pray that one day she will realize this and let you know. I feel you blame whomever however it is what it is and i feel you need to decide what you want and do that. as others have said continue your education and when you are done make whatever decision you need to make for yourself.
Wow, I feel bad for you in way, you keep saying you raised his kids like they were your own,(but are not really yours)dont you see that they really are yours, YOU are thier mother, then one who taught them, was there for them when they were sick, guided them, helped with the home work, there for them during school functions, proms, sex talks, first date advice, heart breaks and on and on..if thats not a mom i dont know what one is.
My wife is a step mother too, my daughter and son (actually mystep-son from x wife 1st marriage, but I've always called him my kid) Both will tell you that she is more of a posistive influence in thier life than thier birth mother...and you sound like the same type of great mother....I hope that you can see that you already are one.
I hope you can find the happiness you are searching for
How do I get the desire to have a baby out of my head and out of my heart. I need to get it out of my bones. Please, help me. What can I do to move past this?
Hi crisis1008...I just registered on this forum only for replying you.
I was crying while reading about what happened to you.
But let me come to the point.
You do not have to "GET the desire to have a baby out of my head". You have done SOOOOO Much already for your husband and the two daughters.COME ON...it is your life...you had and have only one dream..do not leave that for that LIAR.
Tell him (DONT ASK HIM) tell him that if he is not willing to give you a baby then OKAY..Tell him that you will adapt a newly born child.If he'll say that he can't handle then tell him that he DID NOT have to handle.
And that new adapted child will not do same with him as his other children did.You'll nurture the child with great ethics and morals.
My dear, you ARE A MOTHER.you really are. You just don't have a child of your own.Your purpose was and is to BE A MOTHER.So,at least all you can do is to adapt a newly born baby.Name him/her which you planned in the beginning of the marriage.Nurture him/her.HE/SHE WILL BE YOUR VERY OWN CHILD.
Don't leave this dream.Because YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!!.
Thank you so much for your post. It has made me feel a bit better about my current relationship with my youngest step-daughter. I have hopes that one day she will wake up a grown respectable woman and remember the love and guidance I showed her. I hope to one day be appreciated by her.
I desparately want to continue my own education, but am one of those individuals who has never really figured out what they want to be when they grow up. I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I was wrong. I thought I wanted to be an attorney. I was wrong. Now, my husband wants my to find a career that will allow us to be nomadic. While this has really narrowed things down for me, the selection of careers appears to be too limited. I would love to be a radiologist and know I would excel in this field. It would allow me to travel to any place in the world at any given time and or an duration I wish. However, it takes about 13 or 14 years to become a radiologist. Out of the question. My husband's age does not permit. He cannot wait 13 or 14 years to finally settle into a career at the point in his life. Another factor is money. I qualify for no government assistance.
I am still looking for ways though. I just need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Believe it, or not, I am great at philosophy, psychology and mediating others internal and external disputes. I see so clearly objectively. However, my subjective vision always remain cloudy... no, murky... no, opaque. I am thinking of becoming a clinical psychologist of some sort. Not yet sure though.
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Help me, please! Need new life purpose. 
