I am at a crossroad and need help!
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am at a crossroad and need help!

This is my first post, so please bear with me. Here is some background info first: I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have 2 small children 5 & 3. My husband is in his late 40's and I am in my mid 40's. I work part time from home and make a good salary (after working full time until my second child was born). My husband makes a very good living and is out of the house between work and commute approx 50 hours a week.

My husband will go out after work and not come home for hours and hours, will not answer his phone (no matter what) and normally does not tell me in advance that he is going out. It has been going on throughout our marriage. The frequency of this has been reduced to about once every 6 weeks or so. However, twice in the last 3 months, he never came home and was out all night. When he does return, he is so drunk and hung over the next day it is terrible.

The first time he stayed out all night, he was with his "best friend"...a guy he has known since they were kids who drinks and smokes pot every day, is married and has cheated on his wife many times. Every time my husband does something that he shouldn't he is with "Joe". The day after he stayed out all night, I packed up his clothes and left them on the front porch. He begged me to forgive him, told me that he would not associate with "Joe" anymore, come straight home from work and not go to the bar where they are both "regulars" for lunch and after work ****tails. Well...this lasted 9 weeks. On Tuesday, he stayed out all night...did not get home until 5 am. I finally received a text from him at 4 saying that he was on his way. I had been calling him and leaving 911 messages since 9 because my littlest one had woke up vomitting and I needed help. I must have called him 100 times and texted him 5 or 6 times and no call back.

Obviously, I was beyond angry. I admit the next morning, I called him a few choice words as he layed on the bathroom floor sick and told him how disgusted I am with him. I am not speaking to him, will not let him sleep in my bed and am really confused and disgusted. He says he knows what he did was wrong, he is sorry and that I am acting crazy and taking it to a new level. He said that he has been really good for 9 weeks, so that is something.

I don't want to wonder every night if he is coming home. I don't want to wonder what he is doing. My kids love him, I don't want to break their heart by making him leave, but I don't want them to think that this is how a marriage should be.

I was just starting to trust him again when he pulled his latest stunt. I feel so betrayed and humiliated. He swears he was with his friend "Jim" who is almost as bad as "Joe" and that he has never been unfaithful.

I almost want to have him sign a set of "rules" that I need in order to stay in the marriage. I know that sounds crazy....

What should I do???
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at a crossroad and need help!

Hi Marcia sorry you are here I feel that you have to set what is acceptable to you and not move from that boundary. You let him off the hook the first time and within 2 months he is doing the same thing if this ok with you then he will continue to do these behaviors in my opinion. This is the question that you have to decide do you accept unacceptable behavior or not ? If you dont like what is happening then something needs to change. this is a decision that you need to make if a good friend of yours told you the same story what would your advice be ? therein is your answer
Good Luck
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at a crossroad and need help!

Yikes. That sounds super annoying. Especially for your children to grow up and see. He sounds very immature and irresponsible. He may be cheating on you with "Joe"...or rather with Joe when he does his cheating. Or Joe could just be his excuse.

Sounds like he has a drinking problem.

The only thing that works is boundaries. Consequences.

Tell him what you will and won't tolerate. If he bends, great. If he doesn't, decide whether you want to stay with someone who does not care enough to stop.

I'm friends with someone IRL who has a partner like the one you describe for the past 10 years. It's still happening. Like your husband, this guy will stay out til 4-5 and not even come home sometimes on the weekdays. People rarely change.
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Old 03-02-2012, 02:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am at a crossroad and need help!

MarciaB,

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but your husband has a drinking problem. Unfortunately, getting him to do something about it before things get a lot worse can be a challenge.

If either of you could see the damaged future your husband's drinking is causing for your children, I guarantee it would be stopped immediately. But because the visible damage is delayed until much later and the people who suffer most are not the current actors, it is easy to see yourselves as the only victims. My advice is to act sooner rather than later.
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