My husband has the hots for another woman
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband has the hots for another woman

I trust my husband in that he wouldn't actually go through with having an affair. But we have bee fighting on and off more than usual for the past few months. I know that he has feelings for another woman that he works with. I find myself obsessed with checking his email and looking at history on the computer (without him knowing). I know this is really bad, but because I have found that he constantly checks her Facebook page and he constantly checks his horoscope and hers - never mine. This has made me so jealous with slight tendencies of not trusting him.because I have asked him about her and he denies that anything is going on. I cannot confront him about this because the evidence I have means admitting to spying on his Internet usage and reading his emails. My jealousy has gotten so bad that now when we have sex I can't help but think he's actually imaging screwing her instead of me! Am I going crazy? This is all causing me to have low self esteem etc, getting me really down at times. I'm not sure what to do about it. I try to tell myself to stop checking the computer history and his emails, but I think it has become compulsive behavior. Has anyone else gone through anything like this? How do I deal with it?
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

What be sides teh face book and horoscope checks makes you think that he is having an emotional affair ( EA ) with her?

You are not wrong for checking his computer. There should be 100% transparency in marriage.

Does he have a cell phone? Does he phone or text her?

From the little you have said it sounds like this is one sided, you have not said anything to indicate that she reciprocates.

While I think it’s ok to check his computer you do need things to distract yourself from doing it a lot. So get busy.. go work out, go out with friends, invite your husband out on a date. Do things that improve you. See an individual counselor.

Being needy is not attractive. So get active and happy.
And trust but verify.
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

Yes I check his phone too! I know that so bad, I feel kinda guilty for it, but no I don't think he communicates with her this way. And I don't think she has feelings for him. She is 10 years younger, and I guess I'm so jealous because she is really slim, attractive, clever etc etc. I guess I feel threatened by that, but I know that she is single and tends to like flirting with men, particularly married men, so she boosts her ego by doing this. Sometimes I think it's the old what you can't have you want even more. I have been trying to boost myself, taking small steps such as joining a gym etc. thanks for your reply, I'm interested in hearing other perspectives!
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

Sounds like you are doing what you need to... keeping and eye on him and working on yourself.

Do you work outside the home?

Do things to complement your husband, plan some fun things with him and hopefully he will get beyond this infatuation.
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

"I have found that he constantly checks her Facebook page and he constantly checks his horoscope and hers - never mine."

This behavior is very hurtful. It seems all just fantasy on his part but because she is a real person that he is in contact with every day and he repeats this behavior every day, it really bothers you.

Any normal person would feel the way you do.

I don't think his hurtful behavior will stop unless something happens to make it stop. This behavior is becoming a two-way addiction and eating away at your marriage. He is addicted to looking at her Facebook page and horoscope, you are becoming addicted to looking at him look at her Facebook page and horoscope. This will continue to eat away at your marriage until something happens to put an end to it. You cannot continue to ignore it. It's not healthy for him, it's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for your marriage.

You say you can't confront him because then he would know you are "spying." I don't feel "spying" is wrong when you're married. I think you should be an open book to each other.

I think you should tell him you were looking at the Internet history and noticed he is doing it. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him it is eating away at you. Ask him to stop. Then take it from there.
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

If she reveals her source of information just now he will get more careful. A keystroke logger intalled on the computer could be a good way to keep an eye on things until there is something more concrete.
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Old 03-03-2012, 02:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

He checks her horoscope? Lol. Sorry I don't know any man who seriously checks a horoscope.
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Old 03-03-2012, 04:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

You need to confront your husband and lay down the law with him. Tell him exactly how his actions are making you feel.

If he scoffs at you, minimizes, or balks, tell him to enjoy sleeping on the couch for a week or so.

You didn't say what kind of relationship he has to this woman. Is she a coworker?
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

Believe me, I have considered confronting him about my knowing of the computer history. But I think he will just be more careful and remember to delete the history so I can't see what he's been up to. I don't know what's worse, I think that not knowing would kill me more. I don't think she feels the same way. She has a very sociable life with many friends - I think she is just a huge flirt that loves to tease men, especially married ones. I think admitting to him about my spying on him would just cause a major fight. I'm trying hard to do what I can to make me feel ok, and I'm hoping like hell that his crush will pass with time. Thanks for the comments, it really does help
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:19 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

Change your Styles , Change your Persona to be a Dynamic,Stunning Woman...more desirable than the OW , whether she is younger or anything of any chic..!!
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Old 03-04-2012, 10:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

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Yes I check his phone too! I know that so bad, I feel kinda guilty for it, but no I don't think he communicates with her this way. And I don't think she has feelings for him. She is 10 years younger, and I guess I'm so jealous because she is really slim, attractive, clever etc etc. I guess I feel threatened by that, but I know that she is single and tends to like flirting with men, particularly married men, so she boosts her ego by doing this. Sometimes I think it's the old what you can't have you want even more. I have been trying to boost myself, taking small steps such as joining a gym etc. thanks for your reply, I'm interested in hearing other perspectives!
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Interesting irony here as my bf's EA was with someone, ok 20 years younger than me, 10 years younger than he. She said herself that she needed to lose 50 pounds and from photos that I saw of her, she looked like she had coarse facial features. Believe me, the fact that your partner is interested in someone less attractive won't make it better.

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Old 03-04-2012, 11:12 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

What kind of feelings do you know or think he has for her? Is it lust or does he have some sort of work relationship where he knows her at another level? If she is making a difference to him at work your situation may be serious.

I put my wife through something similar but the she was not someone from work, she was a mutual friend. The OW made a real difference in my life from which I developed feeling for her which were very confusing to me because up to that point I didn't think it was possible to be in love with two people at once.

My wife let me know that she knew how I felt about the OW through some offhand remarks and this was a wakeup call for me. The remarks were hints and side statements about my “girlfriend”. In retrospect I wish she had not only hinted that she knew what was going on but had had a real discussion about it. Like you she trusted me but it could have ended much worse if the OW had similar feelings pursued me. Our marriage was strong at that point which really made the difference. I reconciled my feelings and examined my relationship with my wife and saw that it was the one that I wanted. I stopped unfaithfully escalating contact with the OW and reinvigorated my marriage. I then began to put it behind me by making a full disclosure to my wife about how I felt about the OW. This hurt her but let her know that I knew what was bothering her and was going to fix it.
I suggest two things. The first is to work on your marriage quality to address whatever problems you may have. The second is to let him know you know how he feels for her. Shine the light on what he thinks is now unknown. This really does change things. You don’t need to say how you know. You need to keep checking on their relationship as the others have said. Trust but verify.
Remember you are not doing anything wrong. You are protecting your marriage. In the course of your discussions with him you need to establish boundaries with the opposite sex that the both of you agree to and can live with. These boundaries will address and help prevent what started this in the first place.
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Old 03-06-2012, 09:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

Two days ago I told my husband that I knew about his crush. At first he denied it and said I was making assumptions - this hurt the most. I then had to go into detail and say that I stumbled across the computer history and found his checking her Facebook page all the time and looking up her horoscope. Eventually he admitted to it and said he felt stupid because he knows that nothing will ever happen between him and her. He says that I should have trusted him because he's trying to work through his feelings. He also said that I have driven him to his crush because I am "always" miserable and she is happy and cheerful. I feel better that I have told him that I know, and I realize that now he will do a better job at hiding his internet usage. The past couple of days have been ok between us, but I am unsure if this is a cover up / mask. I am worried about how we can keep a good relationship into the future. I have started seeing a counsellor so I'm hoping that will help
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Old 03-06-2012, 10:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband has the hots for another woman

First, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. That's got to be an awful feeling. I would say he's a terrible human, worst human being on this planet etc., but sadly I think it's only human. While I would never cheat on my wife, I still look at pictures of attractive women from time to time. I do my best to hide it, and I tell myself as long as I'm only fantasizing and it's not happening all the time (ie damaging to our relationship), it's my little thing. However, I don't have the ideal relationship so what I do might not be normal (nor right). All I'm saying is, don't go into a downward spiral where you think he's a terrible human being - it may be that your husband is the type of guy who, while faithful, has to work through feelings from time to time. Although, checking her horoscope is pretty lame...you should tell him how lame that was hahah (jk don't do that).

As a guy that was caught contacting an old-ex through internet history, yes I can confirm your suspicions that we just become better at hiding what we do. However, what I can tell you from my experience is that, you becoming better and more clever at checking up on him is NOT the solution. You certainly do need to lay down the law, but do so in the way you know he responds best. Some guys don't respond to their wife just giving them hell. On these boards, I read about these great relationships where the husband is still crazy attracted to his wife in his 50s and 60s. The requirement is of course that they have a great relationship. Physically improving on yourself, while that is awesome and I applaud it, is not the whole solution. Just because he isn't paying attention to you does NOT mean that you aren't attractive. It just means you have some stuff to work on in your relationship. He has his responsibility in the relationship, and part of that is thinking with the right head and not fantasizing about someone younger than you. However, like I said above, don't just go in guns ablazing and telling him off. My wife did that and I am very bitter and resentful, even though I know I'm wrong. While I've changed for the better, I still harbor resentment and am working through those feelings towards her.
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Old 03-06-2012, 10:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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You really should not feel bad for checking up on him or for feeling the way you do about his crush on this girl.
Really who cares what her fb says about her no one really shows their true full on self on fb just the stuff that makes them look shiney, fun, perfect, so you should not buy into it either (really what you see of her on fb is not all who she is for all you know she picks her arm pits at home on the couch alone or has a hidden dirty sock fetish)

I would really avoid checking up on him ALL the time. Up untill I found this site I was into every inch of my H's online life and phone and even went through his things, pockets, bags, car. I went nuts with that kind of behavior for a year. Now I check once in a while but mostly when he seems off or his phone is going off all the time at any hour of the day.

In my opinion if his actions towards another woman is bothering you, making you uncomfortable in any way you should be able to demand he stop. You are his wife you are his first priority you and your feelings come first before any other woman in his life. I hope things turn around and he sees how silly he is being and knocks it off.
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