Want2Bfree

Hello,
I am not sure what exactly I am looking for or even where to start. I have been in a relationship for going on 20 years. The last few months have been hell. Right now I just want out of it. I knew two years ago we should have ended things but, I don’t handle confrontation well. After 18 years he asked me to marry him and I don’t know why but I was stupid enough to think things would get better if we made such a strong commitment to each other. On the other hand I have no desire to ever get married and just the thought of it makes me feel even more like I’m in a trap. We have two kids together and I know our relationship is very unhealthy for them. I do not wish for them to grow up in this environment and think that this is the way relationships are supposed to be. Now there is no abuse just a lot of non communication and from my view no cooperation for me this is a very one sided relationship. By that I mean that I feel that I am responsible for everything. I pay the mortgage, do all the house hold work, home maintenance, cook the meals, take care of the kids and so on. He does not even interact with the kids and now I am sure my oldest resents him. He is a good guy don’t get me wrong. He is just clueless.
I basically am taking care of three children just the oldest one is older than me. I would like to see him fix how things are between him and the kids but as for me I am done. He knows I want him to leave but he is determined to not give up and it’s really pissin me off now. I don’t want to fight anymore I want him to leave. He has become a stranger to me now. I know he’s going to make this difficult; I would like to find some easier way that wouldn’t involve the police. Does anyone have any suggestions?

swedish

If he is determined not to give up, maybe it's time to tell him what he needs to do: specific things he needs to take charge of with the house, interaction with the kids, etc. If he cannot step up, you will know you did what you could to make it work.

I know first hand that it's easy to resent your other half when you feel you carry the weight in the relationship, they should automatically help out if they really love you, etc. but everyone is different and some need to be 'clued in'.

I know you say you are done, but honestly, when you have kids together you will still have issues if you split and they could get worse if he is angry/upset about the break up. Since you say he is a good guy, and he wants to work things out, why not open up and confront him with exactly what it is you need from him?

Want2Bfree

I have told him what I want. This isn’t the first time I have been to this point in our relationship and every time it’s the same thing…empty promises. I have told him many times how I feel and what I want, he says he’ll be better but that last for a couple weeks maybe two months then back to the same o’l stuff.
He says he’s happy but always looking for old girlfriends on reunion or classmates. He even set up facebook and myspace accounts to be in contact with them. He claims he loves me but his actions don’t. I don’t believe that anyone whos happy in a relationship would be looking to connect with an EX. My rambling is probably confusing but there is a lot of history and right now it’s all hitting me between the eyes. I know one issue is that I am not the most affectionate person and he has told me he needs that from me but I just can’t seem to be able to. I don’t know any other way to say this but it’s way to much work. I unfortunately told him the truth about this just recently by calling it another chore for me to do but that has just been thrown back at me now. I also cant help but feel he’s just trying to hold on because he needs someone to mother him. I don’t know any woman that wants to be her boyfriends mother.

Want2Bfree

Well, this irritates me! He did warn me that he did something today and to not get upset. But, for the first time today he had flowers sent to my work. I realize he is trying to patch things up but I don’t want to. I told him I don’t want to and he knows I want him to leave. I do not feel I have anything else to put into this. I would like it to be a peaceful split for the sake of the kids. I do not want to hurt them or cause any harm to the relationship between them and their father. I simply just want out of the relationship. What do I do now?

swedish

Just say thank you.

I think as difficult as communication is for you, you need to talk to him...he probably feels as if you do not love him and do not find him attractive...you are feeling overwhelmed and totally agree major turn-off when you feel like his mom.

My first marriage ended and was very similar to yours. If it's too little too late and you honestly do not think he will change and/or really don't care if he does or not talk about what you need from him as far as interaction with the kids and let him know your heart is not in it.

If you decide to give him a shot, give him a fair one so he knows it's an ultimatum and no going back to his old ways. Sometimes wake-up calls work and sometimes they reaffirm what you already thought.

There's a book called the 5 love languages by Chapman...you may want to check it out....it sounds like sex, affection, gifts are ways he feels loved/shows you love....and you need acts of service.

Want2Bfree

First of all, thank you for your advice. I did thank him for the flowers. We had a good talk; he is seeing a therapist today. I am not ready to go and I let him know that. He said he was okay with that. I know I didn’t explain in my post everything it’s very long and complicated but through this hole ordeal there has been alcohol and guns involved. He has never been abusive or threatening. But with this combination one can never be too careful. He knew I was very upset about his drinking but didn’t know I knew about the guns. We talked about it and he admitted the gun was for using on himself that hurting me or the kids never was and could never be something he would do. In 20 years he has never displayed this behavior and I feel I have lost a lot of respect for him. I hope he finds the answers he needs in therapy. The really crazy thing is that everything came to a head over me getting a breast reduction. I have been waiting 12 years to do this and have never been quiet about it. I finally had enough courage to pursue getting the referral from by OB this year and saw a surgeon. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my SO would ever react this way. I know this just shows we have deeper problems than we think if a person would consider ending their life because their SO was getting a breast reduction.
I am not a vain person this isn’t for looks, he knows this. He told me if I went through with it that it would ruin our relationship and that he would never look at or be able to be intimate with me. That my breast are what our entire relationship was based on. This is something I need to do for myself. This is for years of pain. Years of numbness in my arms and hands. I can’t even buy a bra off the rack I have to special order them and there not cheap. Just for the record I wear a 38HH bra so; it’s not like I just have big boobs there huge. So I told him that if the relationship would be broken over this than fine. I’ll take the blame because this is for me and my quality of life. He then took some initiative and has been doing some research. Has a clearer view of what I have been going through and says he will support me on this. What would you advise for us to get through this? I know the BR is not the big issue. I don’t want to look back a year from now and regret caving in again and things going back to how they have been. Right now I cannot seem to find it in myself to want to put a lot of effort into saving it because of all the past disappointments. I don’t’ want to continually nag him about finances, the kids or just the daily house necessities. I have rambled enough so thank you for and advise.

swedish

I'm glad you had a good talk. I think that's where it needs to start. Even the mention of using the gun on himself is a huge red flag that his issues run deep and I'm glad he's seeing someone. At this point, I think he should be having individual sessions where he can talk through how he's feeling.

There's a good chance he isn't happy with himself and your BR has little to do with this. If anything, it may just be another area he feels he has no control over. I would let the counseling play out for a while. He is likely to learn things about himself and hopefully better ways to cope with how he's been feeling.

If he has been feeling depressed, the lack of support you've been feeling is likely related. When you said you felt he was hanging on only because he wanted to be taken care of, boy can I relate to that one with my ex. If you can be patient with his counseling, hopefully at some point you can go jointly and this is something that I think he needs to hear.

I would get frustrated with everything I had to do with working full-time, having three small children and taking care of them, the house, the finances & translated that into he must not care much about me at all but he likes the security of me taking care of everything...I tried asking him to help with this or that and either got a 1/2 a$$ed attempt that was temporary or 'don't be such a martyr' comments...but I never really told him how he was making me feel...unloved, unappreciated, walked all over, tired and done...

I don't know that it would have made any difference, but being older (and hopefully wiser ) that would have been a better approach. I think he took my asking for help as the typical nagging wife, nothing to take seriously.

Want2Bfree

Wow! You really hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly how I feel here. So, he went to the counselor today and when he got back I just asked how it went trying to be supportive and not pushing for info or anything. He said it was okay and he would still like me to go sometime. But all it sounds like they talked about was the finances or at least that’s all he mentioned. I think your right that he needs to go a few times him self to get to the root of the issues with himself and that I think if I were there he might not be as truthful. So we’ll see what happens but as for now I will try to be understanding and supportive, I don’t want to get my hopes up just to be let down again.