growth

Married 12 years, together for 15. Finances equally shared in responsibility up until having children. If I had additional funds after putting in my share, I was criticized for how I chose to spend or save it. After having children, my partner demanded full responsibility of the finances, while my income stopped due to raising the children. I had no access to accounts. I was refused passwords by my partner and a say where additional funds would be allocated. Due to my partner's poor financial choices at that time, the house deed was returned to the bank, the car was sold, and my partner filed for personal bankruptcy. My partner requested I take over the finances at that point. I managed to rebuild our savings on a tight household budget, while my partner continued to live the lifestyle prior to loosing everything. Recently, my partner experienced job loss. My partner withdrew all of the savings and has refused to allow me access to the new bank account opened with the funds. 10% was immediately spent without consulting me. I plan to return full time to work shortly and will begin generating income, having our children in school. The pattern of financial instability is very concerning to me. My partner does NOT handle ANY crisis well and can be verbally abusive during these times, making irrational choices; financially and/or emotionally which have lead to long term emotional scars. Years of supportive family and marriage counseling have been unsuccessful to change the behaviors. I am writing on this forum to seek suggestions or thoughts on this.

Complexity

He sounds completely irresponsible and frankly clueless about the damage he's doing to you and his children. He messed up once and cost you your home now he's leeching again disregarding any of the consequences.

You have to make it firmly clear that you won't allow him to ruin the lives of your children. If he's content with the way he is, then there isn't any need for you to be a part of it. You have to issue him an ultimatum that from here onwards you will have

1)full access to all accounts
2)the return of all the savings
3)disclosure about any outgoing payments
4) a complete change in the way he treats you

If he doesn't get his act together then you have to seriously consider whether or not you want to be married to him. This is not a functional marriage nor a safe environment to raise children in. Not only is he financially irresponsible he's emotionally abusive too. You say marriage counselling failed? then to be honest I only see one route for you.

827Aug

After enduring a financial nightmare brought on by my estranged husband, I tend to see things a little differently. Get a job and put that money into an individual account. Then, perhaps you can put pressure on him to rectify his behavior. If he's not interested in having joint financial decision making at that point, at least you will have money.

My guess is that his behavior over the money and keeping secrets is the tip of the ole iceberg. How can you trust him? What else has he done that you know nothing about? That scary thought used to keep me up many nights.