abcd1234

This might be long, but please read and bear with me. So, here it goes...My husband and I have been having some issues for a while now. We have 2 very young kids and we are young ourselves. The biggest problem is that he is quite possibly addicted to masturbating to other naked women. He will look up porn on the internet, buy it in magazine form, buy it in DVD form, make a one-time purchase through our cable provider, look for naked girls on YouTube, jack off to my celebrity gossip magazines, and now he is using his internet on his phone to find naked women. This hurts me so much. The reason why it hurts so much is that I have a very high sex drive. I will have sex any time, however he wants it, just about anywhere. I am an attractive girl, I am young, I am thin, and I have a rockin' body even after having 2 babies. So, that is where my confusion and hurt comes in. What married guy with a hot wife who gives him sex every day, still needs to jack off to all of these other women all of the time? This just kills me. It is affecting my self confidence and makes me feel bitter towards him. He has promised me multiple times in the last 6 months that he would stop and that he doesn't need to do it, blah, blah, blah. I have totally caught him doing it and I have just known by different clues that are dead giveaways. He lies straight to my face about it, he gets mad at me, he tells me I am just insecure and all kinds of other mean things. A couple of times after just totally busting him, he will lie and then eventually admit it to me when it is clear that I know 100% for sure that he has done it. I have told him how it makes me feel. I have told him that it is really affecting our marriage and is only getting worse the more he does it and the more he promises me on everything that he won't do it again and then fails to keep his word. He just simply doesn't seem to care. He doesn't try to make it up to me in any way. He thinks I am the one with the problem, I just know it. I am truly a very reasonable person and I try to be understanding about everything. If I wasn't giving him sex, that would be one thing, but I am! ANYTIME! I love sex and we have great sex. I have to say though, sometimes I wonder if he is pretending that I am someone else, a porn star or something. Does he not find me sexy so he needs to find other women to look at that he finds sexy? I just don't know what to do. I feel so confident around any other man. When I walk through a bar or whatever, I know I am noticed, I know I am seen as sexy by other men but I feel like my husband doesn't notice me. He often ignores my phone calls, he seldomly has a lot to say to me. I talk to him and he doesn't even listen often. He tells me he is happy with our marriage and that he thinks everything is fine but I don't feel like his actions go along with that. I have told him that he needs to stop this for good or I am going to leave him. I don't want to leave him, I love him very much but if he doesn't try harder in any way, I am going to have to leave him. I don't think he takes me seriously. He told me he thinks it's crazy that I would leave him for something so small and I must not value our marriage very much! I mean honestly, who thinks like that!? He has a hard time taking responsibility for anything he has done wrong. I just don't know what to do. I feel like he should be doing something to show me that he is trying and that things will be different but he is acting the exact same as he always does. He seems very apathetic. I just need some advice. I wonder if I am just not enough for him, if I ever will be. All of this makes me wonder if he has cheated on me. I know he loves me, but why can't he show me that? He says he wants me to just KNOW that he loves me and that he would never cheat on me but it is hard with all of the lies and jacking off to other women. I have gotten lingerie, I have tried many things to be sexier for him, I wear body hugging clothes every day in some way. I just wish he would stop and show me that he actually cares. I know I don't deserve this. I am a great lover and he should feel lucky to have me. Why doesn't he? Please help!

MarkTwain

In a way, you are, in that you are taking it personally, whereas he probably sees it in a totally different way.

However, it does sound like he is addicted, and if you don't like it, you are entitled to give him an ultimatum:
Just remember the rule of the ultimatum. Never make it unless you intend to deliver after no more than a few "chances"; otherwise you position becomes weaker not stronger.

When a man is addicted to porn, it has no bearing on whether his wife is enough for him. It becomes a chemical pathway in the brain/nervous system.

However, you probably feel that "if he loved you" he would tackle it.

The other thing that porn can represent is a kinky segment of someone's sexuality that is not indulged by his regular sexual partner. However, you don't sound shy so I assume that is not an issue.

One possibility is to try to get into his mindset, and ask him what he gets out of it. But it's going to take him some convincing that you are not simply asking him to judge him.

Oh well that's my two cents.

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MT

abcd1234

I wouldn't take it personally if he wasn't getting sex, great sex, from me. The kinky segment is definitely something we indulge in and that I have no problem with. I did ask him what it is about porn and other women he looks at and all he said was he likes it because he gets to look at all different kinds of beautiful, sexy, naked women. I was like, HELLO!!! You have a beautiful, sexy woman right here that can get naked in a snap! Do you think he doesn't see me that way?

swedish

If he didn't see you that way, I doubt he would admit seeing it in other women. I would imagine it's variety he's drawn to and he probably finds you just as beautiful and sexy.

I've done some reading up on the whole porn thing because I don't get it either (although I understand there are women that are into it as well) and one thing I saw over and over was that porn is more of a quick fix...no pressure to please your partner...and for some it can become very compulsive...frequent urges to do it just to get that feeling of excitement.

Blanca

Ah abc i feel for you. i know exactly what you are going through. except i dont have any kids. My H is addicted to porn too. reading your post felt like reliving the whole thing again. I really feel for you. i know how confusing it all is.

My H was so apathetic towards me when he was watching porn. Like yours he hardly answered my phone calls, never responded to me and lied to my face on a couple of occasions. I know how much that all hurts.

And i know how much it hurts to try so hard to make things work. i did the lingerie thing, tried to talk to him, etc. I became really angry and bitter. at one point i actually really hated my H. and ive never hated anyone.

I really feel for you. im so sorry you are going through this, too.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

abcd1234

I have thought about the whole quick fix thing, but we have quickies together that can take less time than looking up porn or naked women. I am also pretty easy to please. Do you think he just has to see other naked women besides me?

abcd1234

so how did you resolve things? or did you?

swedish

He doesn't have to, but he has urges to so he does. The problem is that since he does not see it as a big deal he's not willing to stop. From what you've posted about yourself, I would imagine he is extremely happy with you, but I think many men masturbate to porn at some point prior to being with a woman and can become another way to relieve sexual urges once they are in a committed relationship.

For me, if my husband needs variety, I'd rather have him do that than the real thing but as long as he respects my feelings on this subject it's not an issue. Interacting online with women, date sights, etc. are totally not cool with me...and it hasn't affected our sex life.

You are in a difficult spot because if he will not accept your boundaries you will be left feeling his urges take priority over your feelings.

MarkTwain

If it's a definite addition, it has become more than just simple choice. There is a dopamine rush that comes with the expectation of porn, followed by the porn itself and possible masturbation.

So if he is to unwind this, it's going to take dedication.

__________________
MT

Blanca

We have resolved things and I am very grateful. I am still dealing with some residual self-esteem issues, and he's still dealing with the post traumatic stress of my temper, but all in all its getting better.

This has only been within the last couple of months. Prior to this we fought constantly- for three years straight, no joke. We would fight at least every other day, and generally had a full blown fight on the weekends. never failed. I was always angry and hurt. I've left him more times then i can remember, ive tried to provoke him into caring by starting fights, i destroyed things of his, and the list goes on. it was just horrible. For awhile i became engrossed with trying to understand why he was doing it. I started reading a lot about sexual addiction. One thing that really struck me was an article I read that concerned the person married to the sexual addict. The article said something to the affect of, who should one worry more about? the sexual addict, or the person continually engaged in an act that brings them misery? That was me. I was constantly fighting with him. i hated having sex with him. i was bitter, and the sex was never very good. So i started to wonder why in the world would i keep going after something that was making me miserable? And i started to realize I had a problem.

So I went to counseling myself. My counselor introduced me to boundaries and it turned my life around. Well, actually I had read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, but I dont think i was in a good frame of mind to take his advice. Dr. Phil told me I needed to change. and i thought, THE NERVE! so after reading the book for a little while, i burned it. i was pretty upset. After my counselor talked to me, though, i started to understand why I needed to change. It was a slow process, but the intro to boundaries was the start of actually making progress.

A huge key factor was that my H did want to change. He wanted to quit, which is not something i realized until just recently. A little while after i went to counseling my H went to a counselor. After he came back from talking to her, he said, "she thinks i can beat this." i was struck. I had no idea my H was feeling so unsupported, so lonely. I was so selfish in my desire for him to quit. I just wanted him to quit for me, because it was hurting me, i didnt even think about how he was feeling. I felt so bad after that.

Now i ask him how his struggles are going. I know he hates it, i know he's sorry for the pain he's caused, and i know he's trying to be better. I try to show him that i care about how he is doing.

Of course, i still struggle sometimes with wanting to be supportive. It always makes me so angry, even when i hear about another man doing this to someone. my temper swells at the selfishness of a porn addict, especially at their cowardliness and their lies. i think its a deplorable lifestyle and the person that engages in it sickens me.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

MarkTwain

The problem is, porn pushers are everywhere, and unlike heroin it is not illegal. Most people know that heroin will lead to a downward spiral of misery. Porn on the other hand promises an escape from the mundane with seemingly no side affects.

Some people can view it, and not get hooked. But for others it sets up a terrible syndrome: it creates an itch that just has to be scratched.

__________________
MT

Blanca

That's fine. I know plenty of addicts, drug addicts, alcohol addicts, porn addicts, shopping addicts, video games addicts, etc and I understand the lure of feeling good. I understand their torture and the cycle that entraps them. But to lie and hide it is despicable. It sickens me how selfish the addict becomes. It is their choice to hide it, lie, and manipulate to protect their habit. That is where i draw the line between someone who has an addiction and someone who has decided become a selfish manipulator.

I know many will say its part of the addiction to lie and hide it. I will disagree. That part is the addicts choice. Once the addict makes the choice to lie and manipulate they have been worse then their addiction.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

beast

Wow! are you kidding me? You really think you can control a mans masturbation habits? You do realize men are not monogomous creatures by nature right? You should be thankful he is only masturbating and not having real sex with other women. Im sure he loves you otherwise he would have already fulfilled his fantasy with a real woman. Its kinda like that old car he owns. It may still look and run great but its still the same ol same ol. You sound very insecure and a bit pathetic making a big deal over this. If you keep it up he will surely leave you then you can start the same cycle over with another man. Stop nagging him about masturbating and you will both be happier for it.

dixieangel

"Its kinda like that old car he owns. It may still look and run great but its still the same ol same ol."

If you look at your partner as a non living thing, I think you have a problem and probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

chasing_rainbows

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