At a crossroad.....
I've been on this board for a while and I love the fact that everyone can give unbiased opinons of sorts. I post every so often, but mostly lurk and make the occasional post. So here goes....
A little back story.....
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for about 12. We also have a 4 year old son. Early on in our relationship (within the first year) wifey had a nervous breakdown and ended up being diagnosed with depression and became very clingy. Me, being the male that I am and not understanding what was going on, tried to break up with her because I was being smothered.
During the course of our relationship, she's been on anti-depressants fairly regularly until now. She's not taking anything because of financial issues that i'm currently resolving so that she can get back on them.
Anyway, about 4 years or so ago, she started to gradually become verbally abusive to me. It didn't matter what I told her, she'd flip out on me. Yelling, screaming and telling me what was gonna happen and making it seem as if I had no say so in the matter, no matter what it was.
To avoid the tantrums and abuse, i'd just tell her half of the truth or withhold information so that she wouldn't get upset. Obviously this was not the way to go because if i got caught not giving her the entire story, i'd be called a liar.
Now I'm no saint. I'd been caught talking to women online. Nothing serious, but admittedly wrong nonetheless, and this compounds her trust issues. Keep in mind that my wrongdoings didn't start until after a couple of years of abuse. I was just trying to find an outlet to decompress and relieve my stress. Talking to other people helped (which led to a little cyber, that i also realize was not right). Yeah...not a good idea. I got caught and fessed up to all of it as well as my feelings.
More verbal abuse! Yelling, screaming yadda yadda yadda over the next couple of years....which brings me to now.
We are currently in marriage counseling, which is helping a little. My problem is that i'm still afraid to talk to her. I keep thinking about all the horrible things she said to me over the course of that 4 years. I'm having a hard time getting over it still.
Outside of my marriage, i'm a happy-go-lucky type of guy. Easygoing is my normal nature. Pretty upfront and honest with everyone. Rather than tell my wife anything, i just say nothing for fear that she'll blow up at me. She's getting better at curbing her temper sometimes and i'm trying to give her time. But i'm soo stuck on the abuse, and can't see past it.
My thought process now is "Damn, it doesn't matter what I do, i'm still gonna get yelled at." Now i've been more vocal and putting my foot down on things, but I'm still not at a point where I can say that i'm over the abuse. I'm being totally honest these days when i do talk to her, but I'm still having a problem getting over the past.
I've got one foot on the "stay with her" side of the fence and the other foot is on the "leave while you are still sane" side. I don't know what to do. Am I normal to have these thoughts?
I just want to be happy. I just want my son to be happy. I just want her to be happy. But what if what makes her happy, makes me miserable, or only a shell of my real self? I'm conflicted in what i should be doing. We'll have a really good day, followed by 4 or 5 days of drama.
I don't know if I should stay and keep trying to make it work, or if i'm better off cutting my losses and moving on and being happy and taking care of our son.
I'm open to any comments, criticisms, advice....anything!
Thanks for listening/reading.