At a crossroad.....
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Old 02-13-2009, 01:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default At a crossroad.....

I've been on this board for a while and I love the fact that everyone can give unbiased opinons of sorts. I post every so often, but mostly lurk and make the occasional post. So here goes....

A little back story.....

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for about 12. We also have a 4 year old son. Early on in our relationship (within the first year) wifey had a nervous breakdown and ended up being diagnosed with depression and became very clingy. Me, being the male that I am and not understanding what was going on, tried to break up with her because I was being smothered.

During the course of our relationship, she's been on anti-depressants fairly regularly until now. She's not taking anything because of financial issues that i'm currently resolving so that she can get back on them.

Anyway, about 4 years or so ago, she started to gradually become verbally abusive to me. It didn't matter what I told her, she'd flip out on me. Yelling, screaming and telling me what was gonna happen and making it seem as if I had no say so in the matter, no matter what it was.

To avoid the tantrums and abuse, i'd just tell her half of the truth or withhold information so that she wouldn't get upset. Obviously this was not the way to go because if i got caught not giving her the entire story, i'd be called a liar.

Now I'm no saint. I'd been caught talking to women online. Nothing serious, but admittedly wrong nonetheless, and this compounds her trust issues. Keep in mind that my wrongdoings didn't start until after a couple of years of abuse. I was just trying to find an outlet to decompress and relieve my stress. Talking to other people helped (which led to a little cyber, that i also realize was not right). Yeah...not a good idea. I got caught and fessed up to all of it as well as my feelings.

More verbal abuse! Yelling, screaming yadda yadda yadda over the next couple of years....which brings me to now.

We are currently in marriage counseling, which is helping a little. My problem is that i'm still afraid to talk to her. I keep thinking about all the horrible things she said to me over the course of that 4 years. I'm having a hard time getting over it still.

Outside of my marriage, i'm a happy-go-lucky type of guy. Easygoing is my normal nature. Pretty upfront and honest with everyone. Rather than tell my wife anything, i just say nothing for fear that she'll blow up at me. She's getting better at curbing her temper sometimes and i'm trying to give her time. But i'm soo stuck on the abuse, and can't see past it.

My thought process now is "Damn, it doesn't matter what I do, i'm still gonna get yelled at." Now i've been more vocal and putting my foot down on things, but I'm still not at a point where I can say that i'm over the abuse. I'm being totally honest these days when i do talk to her, but I'm still having a problem getting over the past.

I've got one foot on the "stay with her" side of the fence and the other foot is on the "leave while you are still sane" side. I don't know what to do. Am I normal to have these thoughts?

I just want to be happy. I just want my son to be happy. I just want her to be happy. But what if what makes her happy, makes me miserable, or only a shell of my real self? I'm conflicted in what i should be doing. We'll have a really good day, followed by 4 or 5 days of drama.

I don't know if I should stay and keep trying to make it work, or if i'm better off cutting my losses and moving on and being happy and taking care of our son.

I'm open to any comments, criticisms, advice....anything!

Thanks for listening/reading.
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Old 02-13-2009, 08:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

I have a temper like your wife. i have flown off the handle at my H and said/done some really mean things. My H told me one night that he was afraid to talk to me. You know, i think the sad thing was i was glad. i wanted to get even. i really think that's the underlying cause of the tempers- getting even. my brother told me he's surprised my H is still with me. that was a real eye opener to how out of control i was getting. im also trying to curb my temper, and i think im doing better.

if your wife is trying, i think you out to try and work it out. all things take time to heal, but if you can work through this, your relationship can be better then anything. if you leave, you'll have to start all over. no one is perfect and you'll have to deal with other problems, too. if you run, you'll run into another problem. but if you stay and work through this, you coudl have the best relationship, the one you've always wanted.
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Old 02-13-2009, 08:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

Did this happen during your dating period, the verbal abuse. I am wondering for you if rebuilding your relationship is worth it. I am not a expert, and me posting this I feel that my help is not good. I have not said much.
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Old 02-17-2009, 04:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ljtseng View Post
I have a temper like your wife. i have flown off the handle at my H and said/done some really mean things. My H told me one night that he was afraid to talk to me. You know, i think the sad thing was i was glad. i wanted to get even. i really think that's the underlying cause of the tempers- getting even. my brother told me he's surprised my H is still with me. that was a real eye opener to how out of control i was getting. im also trying to curb my temper, and i think im doing better.

if your wife is trying, i think you out to try and work it out. all things take time to heal, but if you can work through this, your relationship can be better then anything. if you leave, you'll have to start all over. no one is perfect and you'll have to deal with other problems, too. if you run, you'll run into another problem. but if you stay and work through this, you coudl have the best relationship, the one you've always wanted.
I hear you and it makes perfect sense. I am having a problem letting go of 3 plus ears of abuse. If she was capable of that for so long, then she could possibly be capable of doing the same things in the future if she decides to. I'm trying to be positive, but i feel like i'm a bit too beat down from it. I'm trying to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt.
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Old 02-17-2009, 09:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

I'm kind of on the other side, being the female and the verbal abuse. I couldn't approach my husband without him yelling at me and telling me I'm ridiculous for saying such things or that I'm so mean and finally him saying "I'm done!" when I've barely said anything.

With that said, I don't think your feelings are stupid. I've been married for almost 5 years and been together for 9. We don't have a kid but have been trying until now. My head is in the same place....do I stay? Do I cut my losses? Yes, I'd have to start over but I'm not actually afraid to do that, but do I want to just leave?

Have you tried counseling? I'm considering this, although I suggested it before (years ago), he just now wants to try. How much is too much, right?
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Old 02-18-2009, 01:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

We've been going to counseling for almost 6 months. It's helping with the smaller issues. I'm having a hard time dealing with her depression this time around though. She's very negative and down. Not to sound cold, but i've been through this with her many times. She waits till it gets to this point to get help. Why must she fight it so much as far as getting help. She has to see what it's doing to me. She gets depressed and upset and i become the punching bag. I'm so very tired of being beat up.....and i mean verbally. Her other avenue is to beat herself up and then get me to console her. It's not worked in a while though. im just tired.
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Old 02-18-2009, 02:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

I fundamentally believe that people want to do the right thing ... most of the time.

If a loved one has a disease, or a mental illness, your first instinct is to be loving and supportive. To give them "whatever they need."

However, what people don't like to acknowledge is this level of selflessness has a ceiling. You can only give so much before you realize you are in an emotional deficit. You are doing your best to meet the needs of your partner, but no one is meeting, or even acknowledging yours. It becomes even worse when that partner refuses to take the necessary steps for self-care; medication, counseling, diet, etc. At it's worst, as a result of the level of investment you have made for their well-being, they may actually blame you for their failures and setbacks rather than accepting any degree of accountability.

My view may be mercenary, but I also believe it is the healthiest. There is most definitely a point where you need to 'cut your losses'. I believe that relationships are inherently selfish. You invest in a relationship with the expectation of getting something from it (children excluded). At the point where there is no benefit, and effectively no prospect of a positive outcome for you, or your partner, it's time to move on.
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Old 02-18-2009, 02:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: At a crossroad.....

Deejo, i think you've hit the nail on the head for me. I'm at a point where i feel i've done all i can. Self preservation is kicking in and its kicking in hard. I've tried, and tried, and been beaten down, and I keep getting up. She's managed to help me get through some of my own issues, but i got through them. She's choosing to not deal with some of her issues, therefore I can't make her deal. I can however control what happens with me.
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