My husband left me, claims he doesn't love me anymore...
I apologize in advance for the fact I practically wrote a novel. I understand if you skip reading it. <_<
A few weeks ago, my husband of five years (we've been together seven) revealed that he doesn't love me anymore. This came as a complete shock to me, as I was totally unaware he had any doubts about his feelings toward me. He wasn't one for talking about his emotions, despite my many attempts to get him to open up to me. I knew he was unhappy in general though, that was apparent. He has seemed extremely depressed ever since the birth of our daughter back in June of '10 (we have two children together). He seemed irritable and listless, and I wasn't sure why. I had thought, at the time, it was because of his lack of employment. He hadn't had a stable job since the birth of our son in '07 and I knew that upset him. Yet he never made an attempt to change his situation, which I'll get to a little later.
Anyway, then sometime in late 2010 he began playing an online game that I had previously forbidden in our home. The reason I had forbidden it was because when we first lived together he cheated on me for almost a year (behind my back) though means of explicit IMs and webcam chats. All with a woman from that game. However, I forgave him and let him back into my home on the agreement he would never play that game again. I did this because we were both young at the time and new to long-term commitment (he was 19) and I was his first girlfriend and therefore his first ever serious relationship.
Fast forward to 2010 and he's back to playing it. I should have been furious, I know, but I trusted him after so many years of marriage. I even tried to play it with him! Yet he just ignored me for the most part, so I quit. He, however, did not quit. In fact, after I quit he played even more. Eventually he started hanging out with a younger girl in-game all the time. I'd catch him smiling and laughing at the computer while he was talking to her. Meanwhile, he started completely ignoring me and our kids. After awhile, he became so engrossed in the game and his friendship with her that he never did anything else. He'd forget to feed our kids until they started annoying him for food (I'd end up feeding them), or do the simple tasks I asked him 10 times to do.
This led to arguments between us. Basically me telling him he had to start searching for a job (I was making ends meet on my own) or that it upset me how much time he spent on there, talking to that girl. I was in desperate need of his help daily, since I have fibromyalgia and bad pain my my legs (since having my daughter), and he was never willing to help me. I'd beg him to bathe the kids, and I usually had to end up doing it on my own, which hurt. So yes, the arguments ensued. Still, while I knew he was becoming increasingly distant, I never considered that he didn't love me. He'd still take me aside and tell me he loved me and how beautiful I was on a pretty regular basis.
That was until recently (about November), when all of the sudden he just shut down emotionally. It was like he just turned off what little romance we had and began to treat me with anger and indifference. Which of course, led to more arguments. Everytime I tried to get to the bottom of what was going on, he'd act as if I were crazy. Then I'd storm out of the room in frustration. It became a daily occurance toward the end. Still, I never dreamed in a million years he'd end our marriage. Not after all we'd been through, after all I put up with off of him. I thought that me taking him back after the betrayal of what he did made our bond stronger, but apparently not. I finally got fed up with his behavior and gave him an ultimatium, me or the game. He was quite angry, but he chose me.
The next week that followed was horrible. He was incredibly mean to me and I could tell he resented me for making him quit. So one night, after him being mean to me again, I confronted him about his feelings. At first he wouldn't admit anything, just that he was depressed and unhappy. Finally I said, "Do you love me?" and he replied, "I love you, but it isn't the same." So of course I was like, what the heck? So I said, "Do you have romantic feelings for me in the way a man does for his wife?" and he said that he loved me but he did not have romantic feelings for me anymore. Of course, I was devestated. However, this revelation was like some new lease on life for him. Shortly after our talk he decided he was moving down to Texas to live with his mom (he has no family, besides me and the kids, in the state we live in). I asked him if he was coming back, and he said he didn't know. He claimed he was confused and wanted to sort out his feelings away from me, but that he still loved me. In fact, he kept wearing his wedding ring.
This brings me to the last two weeks. He's been in Texas, meanwhile I'm caring for our children alone. While he's only been gone a short period of time he's completely shut off any remaining feelings he had for me. Now he claims he's unhappy and he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he can't ever see us being happy again. Of course at first I was hurt and angered by this sudden ephiphany, but eventually I decided anger wasn't the answer. So I brought up the possiblity of him coming back and us working on our marriage, especially because we have two young children together (who are very attached to their Daddy). I suggested marriage counseling and "dating" again. Rebuilding our marriage from the ground up. Needless to say, he shot me down cold. Now I can't have a civil conversation with him. I'm just too angry and upset. He offers no explanation for anything, he has no answers.
I just can't believe it put up with five years of him refusing to look for work, refusing to help me in any capacity and then he leaves me. I simply don't understand how your feelings can just "disappear" overnight, because according to him he had them and then they went *poof*. He wronged me in a ton of ways and yet I never stopped loving him. Even now, I still love his sorry butt. And the worst thing is, he knew about his lack of feelings for a long time and pretended to still have them for me and let me think he loved me like some naive fool. Oh yes, and this class act also dumped me the week of Valentine's day. I forgot to mention that. Just a month before our five year wedding anniversary. In fact, he even picked out the restaurant for our anniversary dinner.. fully knowing he didn't love me.
I just feel like such an idiot. For ever taking him back, for trusting him, for believing he loved me. It's like he's a complete stranger. I don't even know if he ever really loved me or who I even married. He's been so cold to me since he left. How could you do all this to someone you loved? Who had your babies? Who took care of you for seven years? It's just mind boggling to me. I wish there was some way to salvage our marriage, but even if he wanted to (which he's made clear he doesn't).. I don't know if it would work. How do you ever trust a person like that again? I just feel so lost. So incredibly destroyed. I'm trying to keep it together for our children, who are both begging for him daily, but it's hard. I just want this pain to go away...
Oh, by the way he still wants to be my friend! What a joke...
(Any feedback, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. I'm so hurt, confused and lonely right now.)
Edit: I also wanted to mention he maintains he has no feelings for the girl he was talking to in-game, but I have no reason to believe him. I definitely think it was a factor in his losing feelings for me. Even if he never acted on his feelings for her, I believe he had them and that they were enough to make him want something more than what I had to offer.
Last edited by chibi; 03-07-2012 at 09:29 AM.
Reason: Additional info.