My wife brings out the worst in me
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Old 03-05-2012, 10:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife brings out the worst in me

We end up in an argument and she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal. Once i turn into an animal, that becomes the reason we are arguing.

Example; yesterday we are in an increasingly intense argument. My 4yr old daughter is right in the middle of it all, which is terrible but not avoidable in our small space. My wife is also 8 weeks pregnant, and I want to keep her as far away from stress as i can.

So i pack my sh*t in a bag and i leave. On the way out I have her on the porch screaming at me that i am dead to her, don't come back, this is not a revolving door, etc. Meanwhile i just felt like I had to do the best thing for my family .. which sadly, was to get myself away from them.

Maybe an hour later i decide to try to go back and smooth things over. I dont want my daughter to see that this is how to handle things, I dont want my wife to think id leave her when times get tough, and I dont want to sleep in my car.

so i head back ... but the door is locked. I ring the bell, no answer. ring and ring again, nothing. Now im ringing the bell like an absolute psycho .. nothing. My landlord pops his head out, i tell him i forgot my keys and he lets me in.

Now i get upstairs but she has now taken my daughter into our bedroom and locked the door. I ask nice and calm to please open the door, nothing. repeat myself maybe 10 times, nothing. "your scaring the baby" and "just go away" is all i get. Meanwhile all i wanted was to smooth things over! Now i feel furious.

I explain to her i will be breaking the door down if she doesn't come unlock it. After repeating myself 3 times, i was a few seconds from doing it, she actually unlocked the door.

I went to hug my daughter and tell her everything will be alright ... my wife tried to stop me, saying she doesn't trust me. I took her anyway. I explained to her that sometimes mommy and daddy have arguments about something they disagree on, but its important to know they both still love each other very much. And my wife snickers at hearing that.

I am convinced she hates me. She knows exactly how to turn me into an animal, and then use that against me.


Its important to note, this argument, just like most of the others, was over something so insanely trivial and stupid ... and our tempers let it get blown into something CRAZY!!! To the point of scared children, broken doors, frightened people, and words implying a divorce.

I dont even know why im typing this, I just needed to vent. No offense but i really dont want to hear what you have to say if its just the usual "see a counselor" or "walk away when you see this happening" or "take deep breaths".

Im just venting. Im scared to lose my wife because i love her, im afraid of losing my daughter because i know thats what my wife wants, and now i have an unborn child im afraid to hurt before its born (by causing stress) and eventually ill have 2 kids to lose to this psycho.

And how ironic ... i call her a psycho, yet im the one about to bust a door down to go hug my daughter. I guess im the psycho ... but im only like this when she pulls it out of me! She knows exactly what she is doing, and what the result will be.

sorry for venting here.
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Old 03-05-2012, 10:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

And as usual, the next day I am trying to patch things up, and she says she cannot forgive me for how i acted ...

all the things i said (nothing about what she said)
all the things i did (nothing about what she did)
how i acted like an animal (nothing about her provoking me)

I swear i think she does this on purpose to provoke my monster, and then use it against me.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

i swear when we begin these arguments im not an idiot, i see them coming a mile away ... i try and TRY AND TRY to not let them get heated.

I talk calmly. I ask her to calm down. I ask her to stop speaking to me like that. I ask her to take it down a notch or i wont reply.

and she keeps spewing sh*t out of her mouth until finally something, one little tiny thing, gets my volume up slightly. She repeats this as needed until we are both full blown screaming at each other.

So yes, im a psycho. im an animal. Im a threat to everyone around me. But only after her continuous and intentional poking and provoking!
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

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Originally Posted by OnraSR View Post
My 4yr old daughter is right in the middle of it all, which is terrible but not avoidable in our small space.
Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.

And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.

Get help.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

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Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.

And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.

Get help.
And there it is.

Exactly what every other person would say, exactly what any court would say, exactly what i spent hours trying to avoid leading into this argument, exactly why she pushes me so hard.

im the bad guy, im the monster. All the "in between" stuff is overlooked, forgotten, or unrecognized.

EDIT, coincidentally i am the one repeating to her "please come in the other room with me" 60 effing times, and saying "the baby shouldn't be seeing this" and "please lower your tone in front of her". My wife couldnt care less ... because this is what she wants. Now my baby is scared of me. Now my baby will forever think im a monster.

Im the one who actually cares what my baby see's, yet im also the one who gets pushed so far it scares her.

ironic, sad, pathetic.

I am my own worst enemy.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

I think the relationship sounds unhealthy and you are dragging your daughter into it. For her sake and that of the new baby's, maybe you should have just kept walking.

The way she treats you isn't right, she hasn't learnt to behave in a calm, mature manner which is shown by locking herself in her room with your daughter and then sniggering when you try to explain to your girl not to worry.

You can stop this by not allowing it to happen and seep into the childrens lives. They don't need to see it, they didn't ask for it. And your daughter will remember it. Think hard about what's best for your family here.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

You are solely responsible for your actions and your behavior.

Your marriage sounds toxic. You both need to get help. This is a very unhealthy marriage.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

Both of you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. She provokes you and is immature, but you have the choice not to become "an animal" (to use your word: actually animals don't behave that way.) You're an adult human, not a puppet.

It sounds like this could really degenerate badly and damage yourselves and your children. Have you looked into MC yet?
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

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Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.

And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.

Get help.
I disagree that his wife is scared to death of him. She sniggered after he came in and spoke to their daughter. I think she's creating drama and doesn't care about how if affects their daughter.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

Your first mistake is this….
“she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal”
Your wife does not turn you into an animal. You turn yourself into an animal.

You have 100% control over your anger and animal behavior.

You need to develop a way to handle your anger.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for not going down that path. You need to learn how to not become angry when your wife starts pushing your buttons. When she starts that just do not let it get to you. Tell her at that point that you do not want to argue with her when it the argument gets to this point. That you are going to another room to so that each of you can calm down. You could also take your daughter to the room with you and just read her a book, play a game … do something calm.
OR you could go for a walk. Just tell her that you are going for a walk to calm down and will be back in about an hour. The physical exercise causes the brain to produce brain chemicals that calm you down. Packing a bag and leaving is just drama… so stop that.
Tell your wife, when all is calm (or write it in a letter), that you will no longer enage this these angry outbursts. That when a discussion between the two of you gets out of hand you will either go to a quiet room in the house or for a walk. This is because you will take responsibility for calming yourself down. That she is also responsible for calming herself down. Than later, when you are both calm the two of you can continue discussing, in a calm manner whatever the topic was. Tell her that you will no longer be causing drama by packing a bag and that you expect her to stop standing outside yelling things at you.. .this is nothing more than a dramatic performance for the neighbors.


BOTH of you need anger management. And both of you need to learn the right way to fight/argue in a marriage. IF she will not go, then you go by yourself.

I also suggest that you read the book “The Dance of Anger”. You will learn a lot about your life and your situation from it.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I disagree that his wife is scared to death of him. She sniggered after he came in and spoke to their daughter. I think she's creating drama and doesn't care about how if affects their daughter.
Thank you. And to add to that .... so this morning not a single word was said. She ordered me to leave the house last night, but i refused and just slept on the floor. Nothing said in the morning

until she was walking my daughter out she said, loud enough for me to hear ..

"when your father acts like that you need to just ignore him"

then my daughter said something i couldnt hear, my wife replied "yea, your father doesnt listen well..."

and then the real wrench in my gut "if thats what you call a daddy ..."

i immediately texted her and said that was 100% wrong to say. She denied saying it, but i know exactly what i heard.

she was once again pushing and provoking. and it almost worked. I ALMOST ran down the stairs, grabbed my daughter and pushed my wife out, locking the door.

then id be in jail, and my daughter would be even more scared of me.

thankfully i did not.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Your first mistake is this….
“she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal”
Your wife does not turn you into an animal. You turn yourself into an animal.

You have 100% control over your anger and animal behavior.

You need to develop a way to handle your anger.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife brings out the worst in me

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I dont even know why im typing this, I just needed to vent. No offense but i really dont want to hear what you have to say if its just the usual "see a counselor" or "walk away when you see this happening" or "take deep breaths".
Okay, don't see a counselor. It's your life and you have a right to choose how you live it. But you obviously don't think the way you are living it, vis-a-vis your wife, is healthy.

When you come on a forum like this, even to vent, you are writing with the expectation of getting responses. Coming here to vent is fine. The only thing I can tell you is, I think you should have stayed away for several days. First, to cool off and then to give your wife a chance to think about her own behavior.

If you don't want to walk away when the wife starts pushing your buttons, you can continue to get into screaming matches with her. Or you can sit in front of the t.v., stare at whatever is on, and just remain immobile - no matter what she does. It's hard to argue with someone who won't engage.

Other than that, since you don't want any advice, I hope venting helped you calm down.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you. And to add to that .... so this morning not a single word was said. She ordered me to leave the house last night, but i refused and just slept on the floor. Nothing said in the morning

until she was walking my daughter out she said, loud enough for me to hear ..

"when your father acts like that you need to just ignore him"

then my daughter said something i couldnt hear, my wife replied "yea, your father doesnt listen well..."

and then the real wrench in my gut "if thats what you call a daddy ..."

i immediately texted her and said that was 100% wrong to say. She denied saying it, but i know exactly what i heard.

she was once again pushing and provoking. and it almost worked. I ALMOST ran down the stairs, grabbed my daughter and pushed my wife out, locking the door.

then id be in jail, and my daughter would be even more scared of me.

thankfully i did not.
She is wrong for saying this to your daughter. It's really f-cked up actually.

I am glad to hear you didn't run downstairs and do what you were going to. Be the light for your daughter. Let her see a strong man who doesn't enable or engage in this behavior.

You and wife need to sit down and talk as mature adults. This is really really bad---your relationship. Can you mak ean appointment for a marriage counsellor?

You need to work on changing the dynamic (both of you). If nothing changes, decide wehther you want to stay in a marriage like this or not.

Your daughter is the one being hurt the most.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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And there it is.

Exactly what every other person would say, exactly what any court would say, exactly what i spent hours trying to avoid leading into this argument, exactly why she pushes me so hard.

im the bad guy, im the monster. All the "in between" stuff is overlooked, forgotten, or unrecognized.

EDIT, coincidentally i am the one repeating to her "please come in the other room with me" 60 effing times, and saying "the baby shouldn't be seeing this" and "please lower your tone in front of her". My wife couldnt care less ... because this is what she wants. Now my baby is scared of me. Now my baby will forever think im a monster.

Im the one who actually cares what my baby see's, yet im also the one who gets pushed so far it scares her.

ironic, sad, pathetic.

I am my own worst enemy.
Don't let her push your buttons. If she starts, leave. Just leave. Then it can't escalate into anything. There will be no more argument if you're not around.

In the long run, fix it. Now. For your daughter and the new baby. If you can't have a mature conversation about it, then do counselling. If she won't or it doesn't work, then don't be together. Because it's not just about the two of you anymore. Your daughter doesn't have a voice in all of this. Give her one.

You're both as guilty as each other. Until one of you can recognise what's going on and care enough to change it, you have no right exposing your daughter to it constantly.
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