toomuch

I don't know where to start, if I started at the beginning my post would go on for days and days.

I have been married since 1990, and things have always been rocky - it's weird. I always thought in some ways we had a good marriage, but I don't understand him really.

My husband has been a musician from a young age, that's the only job/career he had during our entire marriage. I was always the one who worked and brought home the money to support our family. I started my own business in 1998 and he's always been a house husband and played in bands.

Now, he 'retired' about 5 years ago, and the ONLY income we have had has been from my business. I do resent the fact that the entire burden and responsibility has been on my shoulders all these years. He was also really bad about not wanting to discuss bills with me, then when something wasn't paid he would yell at me and tell me I couldn't manage money. It was never a team effort for sure.

Money is not the only issue, actually, it's quite small in comparison to the other issues.

I do think he is bi-polar or something. He is an alcoholic. He is verbally abusive to me and has been for some time. He does not call me names, he does yell and slam things, and throw things.

This usually starts when I voice my opinion and it's different from his. When we were a lot younger, it could have been because I liked country music - that would send him into a rage.

Now, it's politics. I disagree with him, speak my mind and never here the end of it. it's not a normal discussion, he wants to win at all costs, and I don't like that.

Every single time we have had a 'big blow up' - its been because I have spoken my mind about something and he didn't like what I had to say.

He takes everything way too seriously, and yet tells me he's easy going? what?

There are times when things have started and we ahve been fighting for hours, he calms down, takes a turn, and makes everything look like it's my fault.

Our pattern, we fight, I leave, he leaves the house, I go back to the house, he calls in 2-3 days and apologizes cries that he has nothing and can't make a living now and he will end up on the streets if I don't take him back. Also, when we are apart he always just drinks the whole time. I am not going to say he stays drunk because he has such a high tolerance now, that is his normal I think.

So, that's our pattern, and I just want to stay strong to break this pattern.

What do I do when he says he has nothing and it's my fault?

What do I do when he says I am turning our kids against him?

He will call and cry and say he loves me - how do I not feel guilty?

* Also, our kids are almost 20 and 22, they have seen this cycle for the past 10 years. The first 10 years, we didn't fight because I let things go and avoided the conflict.

Also during the first 10 years in my 20's we hardly had sex at all - and I always felt reject - only in the past few years has he been interested in sex at any deep level. AND he pretends all those early years didn't' matter. I am sure he wasn't cheating, just had sexual dysfunction and was embarrassed - but I always thought it was me - he never told me the truth about it -anyhow - now he takes Viagra so problem solved for him. AT 45 my drive has dipped a bit and he says I don't love him anymore - he's very needy emotionally now. weird. I

n my mind he had his chance when was in my 20's and 30's and now he needs to be patient and wait for me. If we get back together, and it's looking more and more like we won't.

He always tells me not to dredge up mistakes from the past, that's his get out of jail free card for sure.

I need to stay strong to move on.

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks for reading my post.

N.

trey69

It sounds toxic, whats keeping you with him?

My suggestion, is both of you need counseling if you want to try and salvage this, and even thats no guarantee. There is several issues that need to be dealt with. He might need to seek out AA and he needs to be seen by a doctor for his bipolar. Is he on meds for that?

All you can do is try and all you can do is try to take care of yourself. You can ask him to go to counseling or the doctor or AA but that doesn't mean he will. So you need to do whats best for you. If he wont go to counseling you still need to go. Talk with them and tell them what you have told us here, maybe they can offer some suggestions for you.

In the end after you feel you have tried all that you can and if he hasn't done anything to make an effort, then you will need to make a choice. If this how you want to continue to live your life? If you feel you deserve better, then you probably do.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

debs

Break the cycle.....I can hear that you are at the end of your tether. Ask yourself why? Is it because you love him? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you feeling responsible insome way? Do you really think anything will change at this stage? You sound like the stronger one in the relationship. Think what you want for a change. Its so difficult to break the habit of a life time.

I think he is trying to take control of your thoughts and opinions because he feels its the only power he has. He maybe sees that you have all the power in other areas of your relationship.

When he upsets you and makes you angry it has given him power. Then he can sit back and watch his work at work.

He is and always has been in controll of his own life and choices. You are not to blame for any of the above.

He sounds like he is emotionally weak and he is taking you down the giult road because of his weakness.

Be strong. He needs you more than you need him.

In_The_Wind

Hi Too Much sorry you are here It sounds like he could benefit from from some IC. I feel that you should set some boundaries and if he cant live up to them then you should make other arrangements as he will stay enabled for as long as you let him. The saying Nothing changes Nothing changes comes to mind. Why are you the sole provider ? I thinkl i would encourage him to get a job and help you provide for your household just my opinion

Good Luck

accept

The previous posters speak a lot of sense. He has to get a job. You must 'force' him into it. Your kids are old enough what do they have to say. I wouldnt advise you to fight or to voice your opinion to him.

toomuch

Thanks for those who responded so far. I am fed up, I do feel guilty, but I realize I must move on and relinquish that he is in total control of what he does with his life.

To the one who asked about my kids - my son is fed up, my daughter is too but she's more sensitive to her Dad. Neither of them want us to together if we will continue to hurt each other.

I really know what needs to be done, it's just overcoming the guilt I feel for leaving him. I do love him, but I can't be in love and be in this situation anymore.

I agree with the control issue; I never thought of it that way but that's probably true.

I failed to mention earlier that my Mom - who I was very close to - just passed away a few months ago from a 3 year battle with cancer. He did not go to the funeral with me; as he didn't want to be around my family. My Mom loved him dearly and they had a connection. It really hurt that he didn't go with me and support me at that time. I never really told him that, I just pretended to be okay with it.

In_The_Wind

Sounds like he has already checked out I would do the same and not look back
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trey69

[QUOTE=toomuch;616964]

To the one who asked about my kids - my son is fed up, my daughter is too but she's more sensitive to her Dad. Neither of them want us to together if we will continue to hurt each other.

/QUOTE]

This speaks volumes. In a good way actually. I see so many people afraid of divorcing who are in not so good situations because of the kids. I agree divorce can sometimes be painful for all involved. However so can staying in a situation that isn't healthy or thriving. So its good your kids realize this and see it that way. They want you to be happy and they probably want to be happy. Not many people I know of remain in unhealthy situations are happy.

As far as the guilt goes, I can understand and I think thats human nature to feel that way. I also think over time that guilt will eventually subside. Take one day at a time and do what you know you need to do.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

toomuch

thanks so much Trey69 - that helps alot. All the words everyone is sharing is really helping me today.

Prodigal

To begin with, you are dealing with an alcoholic. DENIAL is the name of the game. He says he's an easy-going guy, but you see the exact opposite. Again, classic denial.

Of course it's your fault. His not working and sponging off you is your fault, you disagreeing with his views on anything is your fault. Heck, original sin is your fault. It's the denial that fuels the perpetuation of the addiction. It also fuels the drama. And once you get involved with an A ("alcoholic"), you are in for one heckuva wild ride.

Sure, he cries and begs for you to come back. You are his meal ticket. He will continue to do this as long as you allow it to continue.

I want you to read this. It was written by the founder of a recovery board for addicts and codependents (who frequently are married to, or involved with, addicts):

WHAT ADDICTS DO

My name is Jon. I am an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.

You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth becuae love is imossible for someone in active addiction. I would not be using if I loved myself, and since I do not, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by drugs and/or booze, that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using and/or drinking, and then follow up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that is what addicts do.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

toomuch

Thanks Prodigal - all makes perfect sense. I really do get it. I watch Intervention and Dr. Phil - but it's different when it's someone else's life!

He has been 'pretending' to not drink as much - I know he should not be drinking at all - but it's still 6 pack a day - and wine if we have it.

He's bad about not leaving wine in the fridge - I know, I know - there's booze he's not gonna save it. I had chocolate wine that he tasted and did not like - guess what??? I had 1 glass and the rest is gone, gone, gone.

He is so good at hiding it, most of the time I can't tell when he's been drinking and when he hasn't. And if I ask, he get's really mad.

Whatever, I am pretty much done with the marriage at this point. I don't see anyway of looking back now.

I am going to seek counseling for myself, and my kids as well.

Thanks

toomuch

quick update on my situation -

He's now in the 'i will do anything to get you back' phase. Calling; emailing telling me he can't believe that I have changed so much in a week. That 'you are not the same girl I married' - you are not my wife. Why are you acting this way?

I will do anything..I love you...how many times do I say I'm sorry.

What he doesn't get, is that just isn't enough anymore.

RoseRed

My situation does not deal with alcohol specifically, but an addiction nonetheless... this is something I learnt over the past 6 months...

"When a man repeats a promise
again and again,
always with apoligies,
he means to fail you”

Be strong with steadfast boundaries.

charlie18

He is in a pit and he is trying to bring you down with him so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. He is a child. Get away from him if you have any intention of enjoying the rest of your life.

Do it and do it now.

Prodigal

Here's a suggestion: Tell him "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Tell him to get his a$$ into A.A. and start working a program. Tell him to get a sponsor and get sober.

Then come back here and let us know what song he starts singin' .... My guess is he'll start turning the tables and blaming you again.

Get away from this train wreck, and allow him the dignity of hitting his bottom or destroying his OWN life - without you.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.