I don't know where to start, if I started at the beginning my post would go on for days and days.
I have been married since 1990, and things have always been rocky - it's weird. I always thought in some ways we had a good marriage, but I don't understand him really.
My husband has been a musician from a young age, that's the only job/career he had during our entire marriage. I was always the one who worked and brought home the money to support our family. I started my own business in 1998 and he's always been a house husband and played in bands.
Now, he 'retired' about 5 years ago, and the ONLY income we have had has been from my business. I do resent the fact that the entire burden and responsibility has been on my shoulders all these years. He was also really bad about not wanting to discuss bills with me, then when something wasn't paid he would yell at me and tell me I couldn't manage money. It was never a team effort for sure.
Money is not the only issue, actually, it's quite small in comparison to the other issues.
I do think he is bi-polar or something. He is an alcoholic. He is verbally abusive to me and has been for some time. He does not call me names, he does yell and slam things, and throw things.
This usually starts when I voice my opinion and it's different from his. When we were a lot younger, it could have been because I liked country music - that would send him into a rage.
Now, it's politics. I disagree with him, speak my mind and never here the end of it. it's not a normal discussion, he wants to win at all costs, and I don't like that.
Every single time we have had a 'big blow up' - its been because I have spoken my mind about something and he didn't like what I had to say.
He takes everything way too seriously, and yet tells me he's easy going? what?
There are times when things have started and we ahve been fighting for hours, he calms down, takes a turn, and makes everything look like it's my fault.
Our pattern, we fight, I leave, he leaves the house, I go back to the house, he calls in 2-3 days and apologizes cries that he has nothing and can't make a living now and he will end up on the streets if I don't take him back. Also, when we are apart he always just drinks the whole time. I am not going to say he stays drunk because he has such a high tolerance now, that is his normal I think.
So, that's our pattern, and I just want to stay strong to break this pattern.
What do I do when he says he has nothing and it's my fault?
What do I do when he says I am turning our kids against him?
He will call and cry and say he loves me - how do I not feel guilty?
* Also, our kids are almost 20 and 22, they have seen this cycle for the past 10 years. The first 10 years, we didn't fight because I let things go and avoided the conflict.
Also during the first 10 years in my 20's we hardly had sex at all - and I always felt reject - only in the past few years has he been interested in sex at any deep level. AND he pretends all those early years didn't' matter. I am sure he wasn't cheating, just had sexual dysfunction and was embarrassed - but I always thought it was me - he never told me the truth about it -anyhow - now he takes Viagra so problem solved for him. AT 45 my drive has dipped a bit and he says I don't love him anymore - he's very needy emotionally now. weird. I
n my mind he had his chance when was in my 20's and 30's and now he needs to be patient and wait for me. If we get back together, and it's looking more and more like we won't.
He always tells me not to dredge up mistakes from the past, that's his get out of jail free card for sure.
I need to stay strong to move on.
Any advice is welcome.
Thanks for reading my post.