Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?
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Old 02-15-2009, 03:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so I hope this is in the right place.

I am really frustrated at the moment. I love my boyfriend so so much and have been with him for four years this year and have lived together for two years on 28th Feb.

We both turn 29 this year and have known each other since we were 16 years old. Ever since we were 16 we have wanted to get together but didn't; we were good friends that turned into best friends so we watched each other date other partners, both long and short term, and we supported each other through everything, knowing deep down that we wanted each other. Anyway, after all those years of being best friends we got together in 2005 and it's the best relationship I've been in (he says the same).

We have a lovely house, we're not in financial dire straits, we're both happy in our careers and I feel ready (both in a romantic and practical way) to take things to the next level. I have asked him before about marriage and the best I got out of him was "yes, one day" ... however we're still not engaged and I don't want to ask him about it anymore as the last time I did he said I shouldn't pressure him and that he'll ask when he's ready. Fair enough I guess, but this is tearing me up inside. I realise that marriage isn't the be all and end all for a relationship but it's important to me, and he said that he wants to one day as well ... I'm just wondering if I'm doing anything wrong. For some reason I honestly thought he was going to propose last night (no idea why) over dinner but I must've read his behaviour incorrectly as I'm not engaged and I spent half an hour crying my eyes out before bed. I didn't let him see that because I didn't want him to know I was crying about 'that'.

What's not making it any easier is that I seem to be surrounded by engagements and weddings at the moment. One of my dear friends is proposing to his girlfriend this weekend (in fact he's probably already done it), another friend announced their engagement on Friday and I've been invited to four weddings this year (three friends, one family). Everyone keeps asking me when it's going to be my turn and I wish I knew.

I don't know why I'm getting so upset; I know I'm lucky to have someone that loves me but it just feels like he wants to bumble along for eternity - in ten years when my friends are all married with kids I feel like I'm going to be in exactly the same place. But hey, as long as I don't pressure him it doesn't matter what I feel - that's what I find so annoying! I can't talk to him about marriage because he doesn't want to be nagged, yet it's ok for me to feel torn up inside, as long as he's not being bothered? What's fair about that?

So sorry about the long post, it's been bothering me for a long long time and I don't know who to talk to. My close friends are either single or engaged so I can't talk to the single ones because I get "at least you have someone" and I can't talk to engaged ones because I'm just so jealous and all they say is "be patient, it'll happen", which doesn't help with how I'm feeling now.

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Old 02-15-2009, 04:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Why would he propose? He has everything he needs now without marriage. I think you made the mistake of shacking up with him before marriage. If you have already been together for four years and he hasn't proposed then I think the odds of him doing that now will be very slim and nill. You have to ask yourself a couple of questions. First, am I prepared to leave him if I don't get a marriage proposal. I would tell him this as well, firmly. However if he does propose under an ultimatum then you may not have a happy marriage. Second, if you won't leave him are you prepared to stay living together without being legally married? Stay or go. Pretty simple. And please don't get pregnant in hopes that will lead to marriage. The big loser in that will be the child who will come from a broken home. Guaranteed. You have some hard decisions to make. Good luck to you.
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Old 02-15-2009, 04:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Hi,

No idea where the pregnant comment came from at all, the thought didn't (and would never) cross my mind as I'm not into trapping partners.

I'm not sure where you live, but "shacking up" with a partner is the norm here and it made more financial sense than living apart. It's not something we entered into easily.

Thanks for replying so quickly, though.
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Old 02-15-2009, 09:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

29 is kinda young for a guy. most guys i know they start thinking about marriage once they hit 30 and then it might take him one more year to propose. the question is would you be willing to wait till you are 31? how many kids do you want to have?

in a meantime take him to all those weddings, engagement parties....he might get influenced...What about his male friends? are they mostly single, engaged or married?

My male co-worker is having the same issue. He's 28 but his girlfriend is 30. He's in love with her and wants to marry her one day but he would like to wait a couple more years just because he's just too young. But he's feeling pressured right now, the girlfriend doens't understand why they have to wait, they have been living together for 5 years, just bought a house together...

It's all about the age, that's the risk you take when you date a guy who's your age or younger...at the same time since i date guys who are usually 4-5 years older i have been in the same situtation as your boyfriend where the guys have wanted to rush into marriage and i have wanted to take it slow...catch 22

Last edited by T.O.girl; 02-15-2009 at 09:44 AM.
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

i think when the timing is right it wil happen.
your issue is more magnified because of those around you and your prob feeling a little left out.
if you have everything good at the moment , look on those as your positive life. as the negative feelings need to be pushed to the back of your head, or it wil interfere with how good you have everything now.
my h now was 30 when we married. i was 27. we were together cohabiting for 5 yrs before we married. i felt like you at times and its because it feels so good, you wonder why marriage isnt your next step asap.
believe me he really loves you. hes enjoying what he has and marriage isnt a thought and its not for the wrong reasons. hes just being him.
there is nothing wrong with you. but you could apply to much pressure to this issue, so be careful.
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Hi, thanks for replying

Would I wait until I was 31? I would, because I love him and I don't want anyone else but it's not ideal for me. Ideally I'd like to have two kids by my early - mid 30s, though I'm obviously realising that things don't always work out as one would want.

We spoke about it again today and he said that yes, he does want to marry me but he's not ready for it and he doesn't know why. My good friend that is proposing to his girlfriend this weekend is 27 (she's just turned 30) and they've been together three years.

We're going to the weddings and engagements together, they're all mutual friends. I don't know if that would influence him or not .. it might do, we'll see.

As for our friends, a lot of them are engaged. A couple are married (including a couple younger than us) but yeah, a lot of the men our age that are in couples are engaged.

I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue and deal with it. If I get upset I'll keep it all in ... not ideal, but I don't want him to think that I'm nagging.

Thanks for your advice. Male advice would be most welcome on this thread, especially if you've gone through the same thing!
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justean View Post
i think when the timing is right it wil happen.
your issue is more magnified because of those around you and your prob feeling a little left out.
if you have everything good at the moment , look on those as your positive life. as the negative feelings need to be pushed to the back of your head, or it wil interfere with how good you have everything now.
my h now was 30 when we married. i was 27. we were together cohabiting for 5 yrs before we married. i felt like you at times and its because it feels so good, you wonder why marriage isnt your next step asap.
believe me he really loves you. hes enjoying what he has and marriage isnt a thought and its not for the wrong reasons. hes just being him.
there is nothing wrong with you. but you could apply to much pressure to this issue, so be careful.
Hi, didn't see your reply!

The last thing I want is to pressure him so I'm going to try to push the negatives to the back of my head but it's so hard ... am definitely feeling left out as well, nail on head right there.

Can I ask ... were you engaged when he was 30 or actually married?

Thanks again
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Old 02-15-2009, 11:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

i be honest we didnt get engaged. didnt see the point. we were married when he was 30. we married on 4 feb 2000 but he was 31 on the 25th feb.
on another honesty note, what i found, you actually have something special in a couple, reading what you say.
i can promise you this, those marrying before you actually wish for what you got. and from my neck of the woods, the couples i knew divorced because it was for the wrong reasons.
your with eachother for the right reasons and that a huge thing to have. you wil have plenty of things and issues that come up between you in the future and some major ones at that, but you wil cope better than alot of couples you know.
dont feel left out for the wrong reasons.
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Old 02-15-2009, 12:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you about the pregnancy comment but I have seen a lot of women who have gone this route and things didn't work out to their expectations. Good to hear your opinion on that. Shows you've got your head screwed on right. I hate to see women compromise in hopes that the man their with will propose one day. I don't have a crystal ball but I think regardless of age he would have proposed by now. If you think about it you could still be engaged for quite a while before the actual wedding too. Statistically couples that live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate. I live here in Toronto, Canada and yes lots of couples live together before marriage but maybe that's the problem now? Years ago it was marriage then cohabitation. I think a lot of women settle and decide to "play house" before marriage and then wonder why their man won't commit. Seems to be the norm now. I also did live with my soon to be ex husband but I honestly never wanted to marry. He actually had to ask me three times before I said yes. I was quite happy living with him. Anyways, I honestly do hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.
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Old 02-15-2009, 01:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

The problem is that you have arrived at a way of thinking about your relationship that he clearly does not share -- despite weak protestations to the contrary.

You either did not tell him marriage was important to you OR you evolved to that position and he does not share that wish at all. He is savvy enough to realize that he can put you off by telling you this some day strategy.

However, the amount of time you two have known each other and been romantically linked and lived together is clearly enough time for him to know whether of not he wants marriage.

He may love you, but he does not want to be married.

The idea of having children was brought up. It would be sad to not be married before having children. Yes, I know you are so modern at 29, what's a piece of paper, right?

It matters.

So where does this leave you?

You, holding off your desire to be married, to have children within a marriage. You accepting his put off strategy until you're well past your best child-bearing age. Then you realize it is not going to happen and this fear you have now, your gut telling you it has begun, it is accomplished.

OR, OR, OR

You change your reaction to this put off strategy.

You can either accept this fate, one you do not enjoy, or you can make the price of his strategy be that you move out. Yes, I'm saying that you drop out of this pseudo-marriage and live on your own. Or if money is a problem, you get a room mate or move in with your parents, something.

If this turns into a deal killer for your guy, then so be it. It will air his true feelings about you. It could result in him finding out what he is losing is a prize, a bride he could be proud to have. It could be that he realizes that his true feeling is that he does not want to be married, doesn't really want kids.

It could be that he realizes what he wants is five more years of this pseudo-marriage because he has all the comforts of a marriage and none of the responsibilities. Then after those five years? Let's have five more.

What I think has occurred is you are finding out that marriage is important to you and it is not important to him.

Your emotional connection to him is stronger than his is to you. So you are hoping that a stronger connection can be forged by marriage. You also fear that any strategy to get him to commit will drive him away.

This is why I think you need to step back, and you be the one to establish your needs. That this pseudo-marriage no longer works for you. You either have to go to another level, or move out.
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Old 02-15-2009, 01:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

I think he wont marry you because he has everything he already wants. what would be the point of getting married.
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelica View Post
Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so I hope this is in the right place.

I am really frustrated at the moment. I love my boyfriend so so much and have been with him for four years this year and have lived together for two years on 28th Feb.

We both turn 29 this year and have known each other since we were 16 years old. Ever since we were 16 we have wanted to get together but didn't; we were good friends that turned into best friends so we watched each other date other partners, both long and short term, and we supported each other through everything, knowing deep down that we wanted each other. Anyway, after all those years of being best friends we got together in 2005 and it's the best relationship I've been in (he says the same).

We have a lovely house, we're not in financial dire straits, we're both happy in our careers and I feel ready (both in a romantic and practical way) to take things to the next level. I have asked him before about marriage and the best I got out of him was "yes, one day" ... however we're still not engaged and I don't want to ask him about it anymore as the last time I did he said I shouldn't pressure him and that he'll ask when he's ready. Fair enough I guess, but this is tearing me up inside. I realise that marriage isn't the be all and end all for a relationship but it's important to me, and he said that he wants to one day as well ... I'm just wondering if I'm doing anything wrong. For some reason I honestly thought he was going to propose last night (no idea why) over dinner but I must've read his behaviour incorrectly as I'm not engaged and I spent half an hour crying my eyes out before bed. I didn't let him see that because I didn't want him to know I was crying about 'that'.

What's not making it any easier is that I seem to be surrounded by engagements and weddings at the moment. One of my dear friends is proposing to his girlfriend this weekend (in fact he's probably already done it), another friend announced their engagement on Friday and I've been invited to four weddings this year (three friends, one family). Everyone keeps asking me when it's going to be my turn and I wish I knew.

I don't know why I'm getting so upset; I know I'm lucky to have someone that loves me but it just feels like he wants to bumble along for eternity - in ten years when my friends are all married with kids I feel like I'm going to be in exactly the same place. But hey, as long as I don't pressure him it doesn't matter what I feel - that's what I find so annoying! I can't talk to him about marriage because he doesn't want to be nagged, yet it's ok for me to feel torn up inside, as long as he's not being bothered? What's fair about that?

So sorry about the long post, it's been bothering me for a long long time and I don't know who to talk to. My close friends are either single or engaged so I can't talk to the single ones because I get "at least you have someone" and I can't talk to engaged ones because I'm just so jealous and all they say is "be patient, it'll happen", which doesn't help with how I'm feeling now.

Has he proposed yet?
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Old 02-12-2010, 10:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he propose; what's wrong with me?

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I think he wont marry you because he has everything he already wants. what would be the point of getting married.
I agree.
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