I feel I dont have a partnership

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 01:18 PM

Hello, I am feeling as if my wife does not understand what it is to be a partner in our marriage. The problem I am having is she wants to have a child. She told me she wants to have one when we are financially stable and are able to have some time to enjoy ourself first. I am 32 and she is 24. I have a 8 year old daughter that lives with her mother in a different state. The court is making me pay child support which is more then I should because her wages are under the table. Because of this my wife feels that if I can pay to support my daughter then she should not have to get a job to help me here because it would only be to help support my daughter in another state. I keep trying to tell her that if she wants to have anything and would like to make sure that if we have a child she needs to help me. She believes that as long as my ex wife doesnt work and I need to pay child support then she does not need to help here either and that I should take on all the responsability to do everything. Am I wrong for feeling that there is no partnership here or is she right that she doesnt need to get a job and help out since i pay child support and my ex wife doesnt work. Please help me as I have many problems that I need help with.

(Wifes thoughts)

The problem is I want to be stable to have a child. I want to wait 5 years before having a baby, but if I decide to have a baby before that I cannot because my husband wants me to go to work to help support our child when we decide to have one but he does not make his ex wife do this to help support the child they have. The only thing the ex wife does is take his money and make the child disrespect him and his new found family. Why do I need to worry about supporting our child when we decide to have one and help support his daughter to. If I get a job it will only help to support his child more. The problem here is he works now and is barely able to pay the bills and the court still makes him pay child support. If I get a job it is gonna help us to pay our bills and child support so I will be working only to help support his ex. Why do I need to work to support our child but he does not do anything to fix what he needs to pay in child support.

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 01:32 PM

to the wife-

I'm going to guess you knew he had a child before you married him. When you married him you chose to support him, and his daughter is part of him. I think the way you are treating his daughter, and his efforts to support her are very selfish and even cruel. If you love this man you will help him out financially, and help support his daughter. He is suffering and you are being very jealous and insensitive.

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 01:55 PM

This is myself and my wife replying back and forth. I appriciate you guys helping me. I will also let you guys know that this is a 2 different culture marriage as well. I am american and she is brazillian.

My wife doesnt treat her bad she does do everything for her. She makes plans to goto all her enjoyments when she is here visiting us.

The problem my wife has with the child support is my ex wife treats me like a bank. I pay child support and all my responsibility, and my ex wife does not let me talk to my daughter or even if I do my exwife tells her what to say and has her disrespect me by hanging up , screaming, talking over me and my wife does not agree with this. The way my wife sees it is that she is my daughter and she needs to respect me and my ex wife does not work. So my wife wants to know why she needs to work to support them but if she chooses to have a baby she needs to support it. But why does she need to support both my child and our child if I cannot support both.

I would like to say I feel it is gonna be hard for me to support both children if I do not have the support of my wife. Yes I pay child support $650.00 a month but it is the court who decides how much I pay. This was based on my 40k a year and now I make 55k a year. I cannot goto court to try and change this court order because if I pay $650.00 a month based on 40k how can I make it lower if I now make 55k. The situation is she feels that by getting a job and making iteasier for us it is only meaning she is taking up the slack that I cannot do alone. I feel that I have no choice in what I send in child support because the court ordered it and I have no control on what my ex wife does. I do feel very strongly that it will be hard to take on more if I cant barly afford what I have now with out the support of my wife. I also feel that our marriage will not last long if I cannot support my wife , my daughter, and my unborn child if she is not willing to help me support them.

1nurse · 02-15-2009, 02:09 PM

I feel like I'm seeing a pattern in both your ex and your wife. BOTH sound lazy and irresponsible. If you compare the two can you see what I'm saying? It may be you're with a visually different and culturally different person but in the end wound up with the same problems. Or it could just be me?

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 02:23 PM

Let me explain about my wife now. She is a wonderful wife. She does alot for me around the house. Keeps the house very clean and takes care of me like a king. The problem we go back and forth over is why should she help support us if I need to send money to support my daughter. She feels if she helps us here it is only to help support the ex wife. She dont have a problem with sending the child support but she feels that when I send the child support it is only supporting the ex wife and not my daughter.

I am writing exactally what she is saying to me because she feels no one understands what she is saying....

Wife Speaking:

For fix the problem is easy.... we are together, we love each other and he has said in past he is more old and dont want to wait to long for to have a baby but i am more young and want to wait so.... to make this problem done we dont need to have a child and he can still take care his bills. Im here for support his family and my self.

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 02:31 PM

My wife said to me that I need to take on 2 jobs here to support there and to support here. There is no reason for her to get a job to support there and here.

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cleanbr

My wife said to me that I need to take on 2 jobs here to support there and to support here. There is no reason for her to get a job to support there and here.

well now it seems like you have two women that see you as a bank.

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 03:01 PM

I want to thank you guys for your help. My problems became worse because of all this so I will not come here anymore for advice. My wife is always right and I need to do everything I can to only support her and my daughter. If I want to keep my marriage I need to work till I am dead to make everyone happy.

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 03:25 PM

well of course its ultimately your choice. but if you keep choosing to be the martyr you will just be miserable.

you really should read about codependency.

cleanbr · 02-15-2009, 03:29 PM

What is codependecy?

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 06:50 PM

Patterns of Co-Dependency

The intensity of codependency varies. It was originally described for those in alcoholic relationships, which i know you arent, but on a less extreme case (yours) the jist of it is an unhealhty enabler/controller pattern.

Im sure you have a hard time standing up to your wife because you feel like you're miserable one way or another. And in the moment it just feels easier to say, 'do whatever you want.' and in the moment it is easier. but over time you'll build up so much resentment and you'll end up leaving. Its better to learn how to compromise with each other.

Always Something · 02-15-2009, 09:08 PM

cleanbr,
hi I'm new, but I have firsthand experience with the latin culture. I understand your confusion about why your new brazilian wife doesn't believe she has to work, and work the situation together. It's definitely a cultural thing. She really and truly believes that her work around the house and caring for you is what she is does to contribute, and is very jealous about another woman having a place in your life at all, and the idea that any penny she earned would go into the hands of another woman. They have a perception of "what she has, I want". Which is the perception of a life of leisure, while she contributes 'her part' by staying home and looking after you. She doesn't get that money doesn't grow on trees just because we're in North America and women work too in the partnership, especially when there's child maintenance to consider. Sorry, just my opinion and my experience.