Most people who are overly sarcastic tend to have low self esteem. Your H is trying to push you down, and its working. im going to also guess he unconsciously hates himself for doing it. but he justifies it because he's hurt by you (he claims) so he wants to 'get even'.
I think if it was me and my H wouldnt listen to me when i asked him to stop, i would start to avoid him. he certainly would not get his clothes washed or dinner made.
Today I finally talked with him. I told him that when he makes sarcastic remarks its just plain mean. Also, I reminded him that making the dumb remarks in front of guests not only embarrasses me, but it does the same with him and makes other people uncomfortable. I said "think about it, you don't wanna look like a jerk to all your friends do you?" He agreed.
Oh yeah, I demanded he bring me chocolate today. I'm PMSing and it will do him good to protect himself. lol
I've been direct with him before in the past but somewhere along the way we disconnected. We've been together for 2 years and have been through hell and back.
I had to look back at the tings he told me and one of them being that he is attracted to strong women. I had to then remember what was strong about me and summon the beast from within. My gears were grinding and so were my teeth. I became the hulk.
The strategy I used was to ensure that he has no choice but to agree and that his behavior is destructive to our relationship. To make sure he knew where I was coming from, the email about sarcasm was my power.
We've been inseparable since and the honeymoon is back on!
Most sarcastic people are covering for some area in there life where they are lacking. I would start getting even by making comments of my own. Next time he says something about paying for something, you can say "you owe me after your performance in be last night. In fact, where's my change." When he gets a taste of his own medicine and doesn't like it, then you can talk to him and tell why you did it and I'd bet this would prevent further occurrences. Just be careful not to become him while doing this. You don't want him to stop and then you become the sarcastic one.
How are things going with your husband now? I hope he has changed. There is no reason for anyone to be treated the way he has treated you. You are his wife and for him to act like you're a thorn in his side is totally unacceptable.
I can relate somewhat because my husband has serious arrogance and "tone of voice" issues. I'm starting to think he is missing the social skills gene because he truly doesn't seem to understand why certain things are/are not acceptable.
For example, the other day I slipped in our kitchen and hit my knee on the baby gate that closes off one side of the kitchen. The gate is there for our dogs who hang out in the kitchen when we are gone. His reaction was to heave a big sigh because he hates it when he has to fix the gate. As I'm limping back through the kitchen, he says nothing to me.
I let him know that I was NOT happy about his not asking me if I was ok and only caring about the hassle of putting the gate back up. He said to me "Well, if you were hurt, I figured you would have told me." He doesn't understand AT ALL that it's appropriate to ask someone who has injured themselves if they are ok. It's normal behavior to do so.
I have many other examples. It's just so difficult. We have talked about it many, many times and he has acknowledged the behavior and agreed to change, but it never lasts. After four years of marriage, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired of his sarcasm and his lack of attention to my emotional needs.
Tonight, I asked him if he was going to take the vegetables we got for his friend over to his friend's house and his response "Well, not right now I'm not..." Any other person would have said "I'm planning on dropping them off tomorrow" or what have you, but not my husband.
Living with him is almost like some kind of weird Twilight Zone episode. When I am out in the world at work or at school, people respond normally to inquiries, they ask how I'm doing...I do the same. With my husband, it's the total opposite. I'm tired of trying to explain appropriate behavior to him. I'm done with it.
If you make comments back to him you would be validating and reinforcing his behavior. I would simply ignore him until he does say something positive then reply to that. Let every sarcastic comment roll right off you with no effect at all.
"I used to be able to handle this like a champ but lately, I've been "shutting down" and becoming non-responsive and shrug it off. But inside, I am really hurt and feel like crying and am afraid even to talk to him. He is constantly throwing cutting remarks. "
i can't think of a circumstance where you should ever have to 'handle this like a champ'.
you need to read your descripton of your relationship as quoted above, and then read it again.
think: what does 'i used to be able to handle this like a champ' say about where you are: you are in an adversarial relationship fueled by the fears of those involved.
you ask for advice from strangers, and so that is what you receive.
you are in a power struggle.
and the best way to win a power struggle is to not engage.
The sarcasm can be tough problem to handle. I put up with that for years with my estranged husband. I have now been in individual counseling for many months and have covered this problem. In my estranged husband's case, it is attributed to his narcissistic personality disorder. The counselor says it can't be fixed at his age. He wouldn't dream of "fixing" it anyway--he is very proud of how well he can dish out the sarcasm. Over time the sarcasm can be very damaging to you and others. It shouldn't be taken lightly.
Sarcasm can be hurtful and I think of it how it makes the other look like an idiot. I also learned that he jokes around alot and at times, hits below the belt. Its not that hard to ignore, I've become very skilled. I've also become skilled in dishing it right back as if a battle of wits. It's playful banter. However, when he hits below the belt I stop and say "thats unfair" then I walk away recover then come back full force. I let him know that he went too far and he acknowledges it now.
The conclusion, overly sarcastic people look like dumb mannerless, neanderthals. *Le sigh* my heart bleeds for them. not.
^^You're right, he doesn't know the fine line and he's ignorant in that manner. Nowadays, instead of welling up and feeling like crying I take a few breaths and call him out on his behavior. He's in my school now.